Makes more sense than meters.
― ✈️✈️ (pplains), Wednesday, 19 December 2018 18:53 (five years ago) link
Did you hear that Duplo Valley is threatening to leave Legoland?
They're calling it Brickzit.
― peace, man, Thursday, 31 January 2019 14:34 (five years ago) link
Not a homemade joke of my own, but an anecdote that I think is so funny that I wanted to post it somewhere:
My ex-boyfriend is Filipino, and I sometimes attempted to cook Filipino food for him. A few years ago, I made him leche flan. (Typically it is steamed on stovetop, but I, like many other cheaters, cooked it in the oven.) You make a syrup and put it on the bottom of the muffin tins. You make a curd and you stir it slowly and put it on top. You cook it and it should come out just fine.
Not having a candy thermometer, I heated the syrup a touch too hot and it settled hard instead of soft. As a result, the top of my flans were kind of jagged and didn't have anything more than a veneer of caramel-ly sweetness. It turned out OK nonetheless.
My ex-boyfriend was always very stingy with praise in private, and made a big deal about how the flans were "ok, whatever" but ate several of them.
We were visiting his family a week or so later. He has an aunt named Tita Dan who was very, very funny, and an excellent cook. "fgti made leche flan," my ex-bf bragged to her. She made a beeline over to me. "You did, did you?" Yes, Tita Dan. "Did you stir the curd slowly?" Yes, Tita Dan. "You need to stir the curd very slowly so as not to get bubbles in it." Yes, I know, I had no bubbles. "How slow did you stir it?" Very slowly, Tita.
She came close and she said, "In the Philippines, I learned a trick to leche flan. You think you're stirring it slowly enough, but you never are. So what you do is you say one rosary for every time you turn the spoon around the pan. You take your time and say the rosary. That's how you know you're making it right."
She stepped back and pointed accusingly at me and my boyfriend. "And that is why non-believers like you will NEVER make a good leche flan!!"
― flamboyant goon tie included, Wednesday, 20 February 2019 01:30 (five years ago) link
ok i laughed out loud
― they're not booing you, sir, they're shouting "Boo'd Up" (Will M.), Wednesday, 20 February 2019 16:29 (five years ago) link
Mathematician: Somebody keeps biting the tips off my triangles!Ecologist: Sounds like an apex predator.
― mick signals, Thursday, 7 March 2019 21:44 (five years ago) link
Q: What is Tigra and Bunny's favorite of the standard spars on a classically rigged sailing ship?
― mick signals, Saturday, 9 March 2019 15:23 (five years ago) link
I don't know, what is Tigra and Bunny's favorite of the standard spars on a classically rigged sailing ship?
― imago, Saturday, 9 March 2019 15:28 (five years ago) link
We are Tigra and Bunny and we like the gaff
― flamboyant goon tie included, Saturday, 9 March 2019 15:30 (five years ago) link
(this one will start a fight)
When someone is being a jerk:
Hey, do you think humans are alone in the universe?
(Hopefully they say "Yes" here, otherwise run away)
Okay, try to make a better impression when they get here.
― Totally different head. Totally. (Austin), Wednesday, 3 April 2019 01:03 (five years ago) link
holy shit i typed that completely fucking wrong. maybe that was the joke?
that was THREE HOURS AGO?
sorry everyone.
this was REALLY funny. for me and me and me alone.
oh, boy.
― Totally different head. Totally. (Austin), Wednesday, 3 April 2019 03:59 (five years ago) link
I get what you were trying to say, Austin. I'm going to use that.
― ☮ (peace, man), Wednesday, 3 April 2019 11:43 (five years ago) link
you must have a pH of 7 or greater, because you're basic
(i'm sure i didn't come up with that but i don't get out much)
― rip van wanko, Wednesday, 3 April 2019 13:25 (five years ago) link
The young playboy was always running up debts, gambling and such, but this time it was looking severe. They were threatening to break his leg -- or even his handsome nose.
One fine afternoon, he picked up his elderly aunt from her country estate to take her for a drive in his sporty new roadster. Before they got far, though, the motorcar went off the road at top speed and struck a boulder.
When the police arrived, they found the lady lying several yards from the crash with a broken neck. The lad, though, was securely buckled into his seat and perfectly unscathed apart from a scratch or two. Indeed, he was smiling benignly, and in his right hand he held a clump of high-denomination banknotes that was slowly dripping spunk.
What happened, asked the constable?
"Oh dear," replied the lad. "Terribly shocking, but when poor Auntie died, I seem to have come into a bit of money."
― mick signals, Sunday, 16 June 2019 15:08 (four years ago) link
Q: What's a vegetarian's favourite breakfast cereal?A: Quorn flakes
― van dyke parks generator (anagram), Sunday, 16 June 2019 15:15 (four years ago) link
mick signals
― flamboyant goon tie included, Sunday, 16 June 2019 15:40 (four years ago) link
Johnny Cash falls in love with a woman of mesoamerican heritage who keeps a menagerie of wild animals, or something. Punchline: "Because you're Mayan, I walk the lion".
― fetter, Monday, 17 June 2019 15:04 (four years ago) link
The grizzled detective took in the bizarre, gruesome scene. From the deceased man on the blood-drenched motel bed, whose groin appeared to have been suddenly torn apart from within, to the incongruous piece of antique harvesting machinery lying halfway across the room.
"His date was pinned under that thing, leg broken," reported the patrolman who had responded to the neighboring room's report of a crash and scream. "Ambulance just left. What is it, anyway?"
"I don't know what the hell he thought he was trying to do," sighed the detective, "but it looks like he came a cropper."
― mick signals, Tuesday, 18 June 2019 13:21 (four years ago) link
mick I am enjoying these
― d'ILM for Murder (Hadrian VIII), Tuesday, 18 June 2019 13:42 (four years ago) link
― fetter, Monday, 17 June 2019 15:04 (yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink
this is p much ideal
― godfellaz (darraghmac), Tuesday, 18 June 2019 14:46 (four years ago) link
bit odd that my gf only listens to music by richey edwards, bob geldof's daughter and tv physicist brian cox. guess you could say she's a manics, pixie, d:ream girl
― devvvine, Tuesday, 18 June 2019 15:15 (four years ago) link
:D
― Uptown VONC (Le Bateau Ivre), Tuesday, 18 June 2019 15:42 (four years ago) link
Ahhhhhh that last one, yesssss.
― emil.y, Tuesday, 18 June 2019 16:04 (four years ago) link
lol that got zero traction on twitter but several people confronting me to groan irl
― devvvine, Tuesday, 18 June 2019 16:05 (four years ago) link
"My boyfriend is crazy about poetry, but I find I have a hard time getting into it."
"Oh my god, mine too! He keeps a whole book of cummings by his bed but when I borrowed it I couldn't open a single page!"
― mick signals, Wednesday, 19 June 2019 12:52 (four years ago) link
- D34thdr0ne
― Uptown VONC (Le Bateau Ivre), Wednesday, 19 June 2019 12:55 (four years ago) link
sometimes a cigar box is just a cigar box
― pplains, Wednesday, 19 June 2019 13:09 (four years ago) link
mick you shld elaborate w/ shaggy-dog windup, that is the best part abt this series imo
― d'ILM for Murder (Hadrian VIII), Wednesday, 19 June 2019 14:40 (four years ago) link
LL Cool J walks into a bar and sits down. He orders a shot of Wild Turkey with a beer chaser. The bartender happens to be a lifelong fan of LL Cool J, and in fact finds him extremely sexy, but plays it cool: "Whiskey, beer back, there you go. And just allow me to say I'm a big fan."
The next night, LL Cool J returns to the bar, and the bartender is very excited. "Sir, sir, if you'll allow me to suggest one of our house specialties you might like! It's a shot of Wild Turkey with a shot of pickle juice. It's called a pickle back! Sounds a little weird, I know, but if you don't like it it's on the house. I mean, it's on the house anyway!"
Gamely, LL Cool J tries the drink, and finds it pleasantly bracing.
The following night, when LL Cool J walks in and sits down, the guy already has a shot of Wild Turkey poured and waiting for him. But by now the bartender's been excitedly touching himself under his apron all day with anticipation and, unable to contain himself, he ejaculates and it squirts all over LL Cool J's drink, face, and hoodie. The bartender stammers, trying to apologize or explain, but LL Cool J coolly holds up his hand.
"Don't call it a come back," LL Cool J says.
― mick signals, Wednesday, 19 June 2019 15:40 (four years ago) link
My friend (12):
Why did the chicken cross the road?To talk to the asshole.
Knock knock.(Who’s there?)The chicken.
― flamboyant goon tie included, Saturday, 29 June 2019 05:24 (four years ago) link
Never mind we googled it and it’s on Reddit, my friend (12) is a LIAR
― flamboyant goon tie included, Saturday, 29 June 2019 05:26 (four years ago) link
Why do plaice tend to suffer from obesity?
It's the sedimentary lifestyle.
― Thank You (Fattekin Mice Elf Control Again) (Noel Emits), Saturday, 10 August 2019 17:54 (four years ago) link
what do bison parents say when their little boy goes to school?"bye, son!"
― Tsar Bombadil (James Morrison), Friday, 4 October 2019 09:35 (four years ago) link
it’s true i do say that
― i'm not a garbageman i am garbage, man. let me handle my garbage, damn (m bison), Friday, 4 October 2019 10:58 (four years ago) link
What does a buck say to his wife when he comes down for breakfast?
"Morning, deer"
― Hideous Lump, Saturday, 5 October 2019 16:23 (four years ago) link
step it up guys
― The Ravishing of ROFL Stein (Hadrian VIII), Saturday, 5 October 2019 17:06 (four years ago) link
Let me tell you something, pal, I know a thing or two about baseball. There are bats, and the players wear clown wigs.
― longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Wednesday, 16 October 2019 19:37 (four years ago) link
my pet doe, francine, got terribly sick after eating nothing but cured meats for seven months. the vet said it was vitally important that i feed her oats and grain instead. the problem is she has become so used to her meat diet that she refuses to eat anything else, no matter how many times I tell her “frankie, my deer, I won’t give a ham"
― devvvine, Wednesday, 23 October 2019 19:25 (four years ago) link
"Can you explain this lengthy gap in your CV?""Yes. That's when I was carrying you."
― Tsar Bombadil (James Morrison), Sunday, 27 October 2019 23:49 (four years ago) link
lol
― ☮ (peace, man), Sunday, 27 October 2019 23:51 (four years ago) link
loooool
― jmm, Sunday, 27 October 2019 23:51 (four years ago) link
wow
― that said, I’d prefer a single serving of you (flamboyant goon tie included), Monday, 28 October 2019 00:16 (four years ago) link
hee
― kinder, Monday, 28 October 2019 15:11 (four years ago) link
Brilliant!
― mom tossed in kimchee (quincie), Monday, 28 October 2019 15:47 (four years ago) link
I invented a new format of joke:
What do you call it when you steal something from a store?Shoplifting.And what do you call it when you’re in the market for an elevator?Liftshopping.
What do you call it when you abduct somebody?Kidnapping.And what do you call it when you are only pretending to sleep?Napkidding.
― that said, I’d prefer a single serving of you (flamboyant goon tie included), Friday, 15 November 2019 21:25 (four years ago) link
ah the inverted "what's the difference between...?"
― deems of internment (darraghmac), Friday, 15 November 2019 21:30 (four years ago) link
“So babe what you in the mood for tonight”“You know the singer Lana Del Rey”“Ya”“You know what her name is backwards?”“What”“Yer Led Anal”
― that said, I’d prefer a single serving of you (flamboyant goon tie included), Thursday, 28 November 2019 05:48 (four years ago) link
It really annoys me that I have to carry around a large furry paw with a chitinous exoskeleton. It's a bit of a bugbear of mine.
― never knowingly otm (Noel Emits), Monday, 23 December 2019 15:22 (four years ago) link
What did the time traveler say to Mozart after returning from a hip-hop concert in the year 2010?
“Odd future, Wolfgang”
― longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Sunday, 29 December 2019 03:32 (four years ago) link
What's Jean-Paul Sartre's least favourite Irish county?
Wiiicklow
― Number None, Thursday, 13 February 2020 06:52 (four years ago) link
My nephew's horrible at playing violin!
As soon as he starts practicing, I curl up into a fiddle position.
― pplains, Friday, 14 February 2020 03:46 (four years ago) link