Real England

It may involve a Scotsman and a Dutchman, but
Darts players accuse each other of farting
at a darts tournament in Wolverhampton is Real England.

https://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/parents-shock-after-reindeer-puppet-15445779

god, the lowry outlet mall has surpassed itself. I was once working a shift there around this time of year and briefly snapped out of the seasonal discount haze to have a moment of supreme clarity while taking a break from the paul scholes autobiography to discreetly filter painkillers for codeine under the counter to take the edge off the afternoon stretch as simply having a wonderful christmas time played for maybe the 30th time that day. consciousness is nature's nightmare.

the internet just justified itself with one article

https://xenogothic.com/2018/11/28/blob-blob-blobby-towards-a-new-blobjectivity/?fbclid=IwAR1WUgE1JxlXLE0plmfFAtnHcjWrsKYijf7iFM7lva7O3IdvsQmIHlfMfpA

that is seriously amazing.

The media class had mistakenly thought they had won, overcoming the nation’s hysteric love for this monstrosity, believing they could write him out as easily as he was written in. And so, the media turned on Blobby, declaring him “unfunny”, a symptom of a national dementia, and, unfortunately, it seems like these panicked rejections of the Blob, who threaten to rupture the internal processes of neoliberal subjection, ultimately won out.

We forgot ourselves. They forgot themselves too. But Blobby remains the last true embodiment of rave frivolity, of impolite abandon, of libidinal excess. Blobby is all that we have repressed given a life of its own.

Some dude in a Stoke Newington FB group asked if there's "street security" around; someone answered that there is community police, and OP said that this wasn't really what he was asking about, he meant "security officers that patrol the local community and runs protection for shops and people in the community, Ilford has it".

Pretty sure there are at least two rival groups running protection for shops in Stoke Newington.

Dunno if they're keen to advertise on FB neighbourhood groups tho.

Does he mean the Stamford Hill Orthodox people who guard synagogues etc?

https://www.vice.com/en_uk/article/59vq5a/christmas-behaviour-a-timeline

Lots of reality here

Re local security groups my local fb is full of 'this ex serviceman offers to patrol streets for 50p what could possibly go wrong'

The Ilford patrol iirc is the Asian community responding to burglars targeting family jewellery. There has been an incredible crime wave targeting family gold across London for at least six or seven years with the police apparently not able to do much to stop it.

Earlier today a friend asked me if I knew anywhere she could find Gaze of the Gorgon, a film that Tony Harrison made for the BBC in 1992. I couldn't but it did lead me to watch Harrison's TV version of his poem V for channel 4. That's pretty RE!

There’s a streamer from the north of England (Bouphe) who uses blobby sounds etc. Has he been rehabilitated?

Ladbaby

Come the dawn and the only sign of shipping we could see was a distant Destroyer hovering about outside the harbour entrance. Odd groups of troops started wandering about the beach searching for food or amusement. One or two dispatch riders had got hold of a couple of motor bikes and enjoyed some sand racing until our Luftwaffe friends put a stop to that! A young officer, (Unit unknown), had dug himself into an adjoining fox-hole and drunk himself into a stupor from a large cask of rum - probably lifted from the Quartermasters’s stores. Having finished it off he proceeded to draw his revolver and threatened to shoot one and all. He eventually collapsed into a drunken slumber and was relieved of his gun - he’s probably still there!

By mid-afternoon a couple of Destroyers had anchored some three quarters of a mile off-shore. This was somewhat encouraging but, as yet, no beach control organisation had been set up. So once more it was every man for himself and one clever lad in or group (I believe it was Jack Birch) had been on ‘recce’ and found a small dinghy (apparently ownerless!), it was seized upon with great relish. It had no oars and the bung was missing from the bilge - this was soon bunged up and the boat launched. This nearly caused a disaster as most of the BEF attempted to board her and very nearly pushed it to the bottom. At this time Baron von Richthofen and his mates decided to take a hand and spray some lead around. This had the effect of producing a massive display from the Navy who turned all their Oerlikon and POM-POM guns on them. It also scattered the raiders attempting to hijack ‘our’ boat - which allowed us to paddle with make-shift bits of wood and rifle butts to HMS Javelin. We were hauled aboard, ushered below to a small cabin and served with large mugs of tea and unlimited sandwiches, which were most welcome as we’d forgotten our last meal.(...)

https://www.bbc.co.uk/history/ww2peopleswar/stories/37/a2047637.shtml

^ A goldmine I've been digging through for 'serious' research but finding much realness

Saw advert over Christmas for Blighty Bingo. Tagline: make bingo great again.

Poundland have had novelty voices on their self-scan tills this year. First it was Elvis, then Dracula around Halloween, then Father Christmas now, all of them making "funny" jokey banter around the topic of unexpected items in bagging areas, etc. None of the customers seemed to enjoy it, and it was obviously not appreciated at all by the poor staff, who had to listen to it all day. Can't help feeling that we as a nation deserve this, but the pain should be equally distributed to Waitrose, yes.

Class difference manifesting in supermarket self scan tills extremely real england imo

Radio 3 presenters to do Waitrose ones

Fucking hell, I was in first class on a virgin train yesterday (somehow it was cheaper lol), I didn't think to check if first class toilets did all that fucking 'hello, i'm the toilet lol' shit, or if that was just for the plebs in standard.

Just didn't need to go :-<

2019: New Zealand celebrating New Years ‘early’ is provoking a lot of confused reactions among Mail readers. I’d like to think *some* of them are joking, but you can never be sure… pic.twitter.com/hRPWy2HWEr

— The DM Reporter (@DMReporter) December 31, 2018

not only does waitrose self-service not talk cheerily at you, it lets you scan drink and drugs w/o having to wait five minutes to be validated by a teenager

(in fact none of my local outlets -- sainsbury, tesco, co-op, m&s or iceland -- talk at me that i remember, so hurrah for hackney i guess)

The ones in Morrisons never shut up.

Can confirm stupid talking toilet is for first class virgin passengers also. Have mastered the art of not pissing between Glasgow Central and moorgate so as to avoid the innocent smoothies of toilets.

Believe me, having a carriage full of stupid drunken Aston Villa fans celebrating a 1-1 draw away at Preston North End all the way down to Birmingham New Street beats the annoyance of any talking toilet.

xxxp Choose your favourites, or have a browse!

An argument about some cats

We've got 4 cats and they are very well fed and loved. It would be better if you don't feed them thanks. The vet advised that it's perfectly ok that cats go outside in the winter so don't let it upset you. They live here and it's very distressing for us all when they go missing.

— AngelCakeLIVERPOOL (@angelcakepics) January 3, 2019

I cant tell how many people are in this argument about cats, but one of them is followed by Jamie Carragher and another one is followed by Neville Southall

The 210ft fatberg lurking in Sidmouth sewer

I promise you Sidmouth can offer no Real England: a Sidmouth fatberg will be composed of carefully curated heritage fats and traditional wet wipes. There is just no Real England there, not even the King of Chit.

Patient shot GP with crossbow at Watford surgery

Dr Gary Griffith avoided serious injury because his shirt was untucked and the crossbow bolt had to pass through layers of gathered fabric

He said the defendant looked down at the floor "dejected" and, realising he had failed to kill him, said: "I can't even get that right."

the Real England icing on this cake would be him finding out he's just got a much longer sentence than some dastardly repeat offender paedo or someone who actually succeeded at homicide but managed to wangle involuntary manslaughter.

'Nun with duffel bag' drops 'severed goat head' on pavement outside Cheltenham pub:

https://www.gloucestershirelive.co.uk/news/cheltenham-news/nun-duffel-bag-drops-severed-2452165

Your yearly reminder that Geordies are truly a warrior race. pic.twitter.com/c7Xpn2pttp

— Little Blue Oramic Thoth Mood (@joemuggs) February 3, 2019

#OnThisDay 1978: The British public were not impressed at the prospect of switching from miles to kilometres. pic.twitter.com/ubieUxCuuJ

— BBC Archive (@BBCArchive) February 3, 2019

https://www.nme.com/news/music/man-campaigning-statue-eazy-e-erected-small-sussex-town-2447473

The rapper has no links to Newhaven and, while they have yet to formally respond to Stevens, the council said they have “no idea who Eazy-E is.”

Deputy mayor Graham Amy added: “I’ve lived all of my life in Newhaven and I’ve never heard of him, not a clue. I’m 72 years old and more of a Beatles fan than anything. If I had my way I would have statues to them around the town.” Stevens responded by saying The Beatles “suck”.

Good work Guy Stevens

I don't think that deputy mayor will even listen to some NWA/Eazy E solo - closed minds.

my campaign to get a statue of Biz Markie put up in the town square in Walthamstow starts here!

aye a statue of Master Ace drinking an eight ball with Big Daddy Kane, in front of Dewsbury Town hall would be so cool!

a statue of Paris - aka the Bush killa. actually next to some bushes in the park.

freezer bags with no provided means of closure

Success! (ish)

https://www.theargus.co.uk/news/17445197.eazy-e-to-be-memorialised-in-newhaven-after-mans-bizarre-campaign/

lol

ILX fancy a pint at the Eazy E memorial bench?

very much

Ladz-n-the-Hood

Respect to The Argus for using the correct amount of asterisks to cover Real Muthaphuckkin G's, but with the best will in the world, 1988 was not in the early ‘90s, and Eazy-E does not appear even on the 12” of Express Yourself.