Posts you had second thought about and decided not to post - put them here

(but that said, on the hostility scale where 0 is neutral and 10 is graphic death threats, saying someone is "shouting at" someone is a 1, at best, whereas the posts I had mentioned are more like... 3-5 range.)

I think the trickiest part is that people really do have wildly different ideas of what being mean is and that’s ESPECIALLY true online.

...is a terrible idea

If someone says something you don't like on ILX, you have the option of flagging their post or addressing the problem directly with the poster in question. If you feel that someone is being abusive, you have the option of alerting a mod to the behavior in question. Beyond that, you have no real recourse for controlling another poster's posts. As is true in the wider world, we may wish for others to be more civil or more polite or kinder but we have no control over that. We have control only over our own actions, our own words. We can choose to grouse or to retaliate or to 'be the change' or to disengage entirely. The choice is up to each of us, and no other poster can control our posts beyond the methods outlined above. It's a pretty decent system, all told. Maybe not everything you might wish for, but it's about as good as it gets in this life, and especially on the internet.

Sorry, sorry: namaste.

I know that's how you perceived it. Which is why I feel comfortable saying you are hypersensitive.

imago you should apologize to tlg for that comment imo. he is being completely fair and frank in as far as i can tell a v genuine attempt to help here.

― Dmac TT (darraghmac), Friday, 21 September 2018 00:31 (forty-five seconds ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

oh i agree with what he's saying but the way he's saying it is a little unnecessarily strong at points? but yeah soz 'jerk' was in turn unnecessary

he can take it tho

If someone says something you don't like on ILX, you have the option of flagging their post

does absolutely nothing, is just a "vote to be banned forever" button

or addressing the problem directly with the poster in question.

this is what I've been trying to do all afternoon and it hasn't helped

"being hypersensitive in this conversation" and "are hypersensitive" are two different things

I'll make a pledge to not be "hostile" or mean to you if you can make a pledge to try not to give a solitary fuck about a friggin mag board. Peace.

does absolutely nothing, is just a "vote to be banned forever" button

They're not banned forever. More's the pity.

or addressing the problem directly with the poster in question.

this is what I've been trying to do all afternoon and it hasn't helped

― aloha darkness my old friend (katherine), Thursday, September 20, 2018 8:37 PM (fifteen seconds ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

i don't have time to draw you a flowchart but the next arrow would point to the "disengage entirely" box

The DENNIS system of ilx

I mean, again, these are people I know and interact with in real life. It seems both reasonable and entirely in keeping with human nature that I should care about their thoughts. everyone else is still a person that I might encounter at some point in some other setting, so again, it seems reasonable and in keeping with human nature that I care about their thoughts. and even if there were somehow a guarantee that I would never encounter someone at all, ever, outside here -- which there isn't -- the person is still a person. being online doesn't remove their humanity. I could understand not caring if it were, like, a Twitter bot that randomly generated insults with no more opinion than a RNG has about any individual number it spits out. but they're people, and their opinions come from an actual place, and are not temporary.

Still don’t get what is so hard about not looking at a thread

the same thing that's so hard about not being hostile things

s/being/sayin

imago otm

i admit it's getting a little frustrating which is why the politesse is slipping

a bit like talking to geir hongro ... not even a tiny bit of "i hear what you're saying but" or "ok i can see point x but i disagree on point y" ... just pure push-back and stubborn restatement of the original thesis

But you don't know me in real life. So why are you reacting to something I said just as you would to a coworker or "somebody sitting in the same room"?

because you're still a person and I don't think you're somehow lesser than that person?

katherine your fixation on the problem of existing within the minds of others is understandable, I suggest you read Proust and see how that makes you feel about that problem afterwards

Tlg otm. K you are extremely exasperating and it's a bit like talking to an alien new to the ways of humanity.

I'm sorry, I really don't know what to say to that

can we all stop behaving as if this actually was a case of katherine being treated awfully as opposed to willingly finding any and every excuse to take the worst from any possible slight and then fanning it? eventually this is going to lead to an actual mean post but please can we not pretend its just an assault out of the blue?

i mean

katherine i know you wont agree to do so, but everyone else behaving as if this is a factual bedrock for this carry on is really just stoking what is at best a bizarre performance of attemoted passive-aggressive control and at worst genuine out-of-control distress

katharine you have a couple of posters willing to coddle you and tell you every time anything like this happens (and it seems to happen very frequently dont you think?) that it was terrible what was done to you.

i dont think, well-meaning though they are, that these people are helping you.

i think you react terrifically badly and out of all proportion to anything you decide you dont like said to you, and i frankly find it hard to believe your chasing of each such minor up over multiple threads at a time wouldnt strike you as absurd behaviour perfectly likely to provoke a reaction that is not going to be ideal.

and yet again: this is an internet message board and isnt your workplace. your insistence that it is in any way analogous is ridiculous no matter how much you might believe it to be valid.

So then it has nothing to do with knowing posters irl

I mean, the "factual bedrock" seems to be that it was just banter, despite the post patently and clearly not being banter, and that there was absolutely no hostility intended, despite the hostility being obvious and doubled down upon

I think it's time to rearrange the seating assignments in this classroom

So then it has nothing to do with knowing posters irl

― A True White Kid that can Jump (Granny Dainger), Thursday, September 20, 2018 8:47 PM (twenty-eight seconds ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

well, it does in the sense that the stakes are higher, that I might run into them and have an additional worry in the back of my head whether they secretly hate me

like no one, including the OP, has given a satisfying explanation of how this is possibly good-hearted, light banter: "Oh for fuck's sake stop whining and filling every fucking thread with your fucking self-pitying tears."

and stop invalidating people's feelings because Internet?

as an aspie myself i really gotta ask, from a place of attempted empathy, whether you're knowingly on the spectrum

one might as well ask whether people knowingly have anger management issues

Fun fact: Nobody has ever secretly hated anyone in the history of time. Most people who hate you will make it obvious by avoiding you or telling you they don’t care for you. Everyone else on earth either likes you well enough or (get this) never thinks about you.

I won’t say this should be obvious; I had to learn it! But it’s true!

because once i too had to work out how to deal with abuse and criticism on here

it took several years

It took some time, but there was a great sense of liberation in realizing that I don't have to actually click the 'Submit Post' button every time. Or even most of the time. Sometimes just typing out the words and making them real for a moment before deleting them is sufficient. I recommend giving it a shot, if you haven't already.

Now you're getting the hang of it! Screw these jackasses with their anger management issues! What is THEIR main malfunction???

It took some time, but there was a great sense of liberation in realizing that I don't have to actually click the 'Submit Post' button every time. Or even most of the time. Sometimes just typing out the words and making them real for a moment before deleting them is sufficient. I recommend giving it a shot, if you haven't already.

― I Don't Have Any Ears, I Am Positive (Old Lunch), Thursday, September 20, 2018 8:51 PM (twenty-one seconds ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

but... why... can't anyone else do this

1. white male posters say some shit
2. other posters not fitting that description are like wtf, dude
3. white male posters react predictably to having their language policed
4. circle of "it's the internet nothing matters calm the fuck down" > "words matter stop telling me they don't" on loop
5. everyone loses because 3 happened

just suck it up, know when you've been a dick and move on

also

Fun fact: Nobody has ever secretly hated anyone in the history of time. Most people who hate you will make it obvious by avoiding you or telling you they don’t care for you. Everyone else on earth either likes you well enough or (get this) never thinks about you.

I won’t say this should be obvious; I had to learn it! But it’s true!

― faculty w1fe (silby), Thursday, September 20, 2018 8:51 PM (one minute ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I'm really glad this has been your experience but it is not my experience. I am frequently blindsided by people I thought were basically OK with me not being basically OK with me. this thread is a great meta-example of it, I didn't think anyone currently in it had a problem with me

lads i bumped the lads thread we can all go in there and chat about a very important question ive just raised

For the 10th time: it is much easier for you yourself to do that than for everyone else on planet earth to

but for the 10th time: if it's easy for me to do it then it must be easy for others to do it. so why am I the one who has to do it?

but... why... can't anyone else do this

― aloha darkness my old friend (katherine), Thursday, September 20, 2018 8:52 PM (twenty-three seconds ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

oh believe me, i am

hey hey hey wait can we wrangle a few more posters in here to give advice and tough love to Katherine?

hey Katherine, if you don't like this country, you can get outufhere!

hey Katherine, you've expressed a modicum of uncertainty and insecurity - VOMIT

my ass hurts

the cemetery is beautiful at dusk

oh believe me, i am

― call all destroyer, Thursday, September 20, 2018 8:57 PM (nineteen seconds ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I'm really sorry if I upset you

Ok I'll put the word out to everyone else on earth. Don't say anything that katherine may perceive as hostile. I'll keep you apprised of the results.

the only thing i will add to the eminently reasonable points that others are making is that if i knowingly had colleagues on ilx, and even if ilx were somehow related to my area of employ, i would not be anywhere near this place.

speaking from experience / part of the problem / yup