Blue Saturday

I would hate anybody who spoke about other people the way I speak to myself in my head but lol, inner voices

yeah, and the cycle of hating yrself for yr hatred and so on. anyway yr smarter and cooler and more dashing than the clueless kids who have stumbled in & lots of them are just as miserable and self-loathing as their elders

Typed out a long whiny reply, pressed the wrong bit of the phone, lost it. Probably for the best.

Thanks ogmor :)

too much spoils it but just a little self-loathing is the sour note that really brings a dancefloor to life

:D

This afternoon could go on forever

I spent a fuckton on rum and bandits yesterday, I started smoking again, I can't get it together to fill out a job application without freaking out, every cunt wants me to have a licence and a car anyway, I'm struggling to cope with the demands of day to day living, nobody writes to this colonel. and I've got a twitching hangover. gah, 50 fucking years of snowflake uselessness.

smoking makes people look cooler, it's been proven

you should adopt a means of mobility other than a car. i suggest push-scooter but ymmv

also why the fuck would a potential employer care about what i was doing in the mid 90s?

Hannah Bedworth with the Gershwin classic The Man I Love.

DIDN'T SEE THIS, OMG. Love that song, and she killed it! When did she get so PERSON-Y?? Isn't she still 5, etc etc #olds

xp spiritual crucible for many

thanks io :) she got full marks in her musical theatre exams too, time's in such a hurry huh?

when you can't kill yourself cos the house is a mess

gloomy day getting nothing done -- one paragraph tinkered with, knowing there's something off abt the whole long piece -- but mostly stuck feeling the best is past and the good ones are gone

goofing at the table
You just don’t know
What don’t I know
How good this ham and eggs is
If you had any idea whatsoever how good this is you would stop writing poetry and dig in

Autumn kicking in. I dunno, the best might well be past but that sense of "this is how the future is" is always a fake foresight.

also the piece i'm writing is abt someone who died

all my stuff is packed up in boxes and the house is depressing and I'm spending too much on takeaway
and also I never get any sleep

i'm not properly blue because it's all for the good but I feel it

the romance of places where I am not

oh yes totally

where i am not was, there i am there shall be

shall have been

still working on this one

the crushing sadness of pedestrian things one needs to do in order to stay alive

I started into a long post last night then gave it up. I was talking to somebody yesterday about unnameable, never far away sadness. I think it might be the sadness of existing.

It's not the only feeling, but it waits for you at night, when you're alone, sometimes even in the middle of a crowd of people who feel maddeningly not quite in reach. I'm deep into it at the moment, bounded by feelings of unreality, inertia, utter isolation. But I think everybody knows this space. I think it's always at the threshold of our experience.

It's less painful or scary than the panic of anxiety tbh, my ongoing tumble towards not even being able to do the pedestrian stuff to stay - maybe not alive, but independent. But it makes it hard to know what to do next or how to escape. It feels like very slowly fading away. I wonder how many millions of people are fading the same way right now, dull little candles just out of one another's site.

It's ok, I think this is what life is.

I think it might be the sadness of existing.

It must be. I mean I need it to be this. For it crawls into every crack, the very tiniest. It washes over me, dyes my dying days, it's in the sky, the water, the rain, the sun, the oxygen... It's in doing fucking grocery shopping, it's in getting up in the morning, it's in having a good shag but straight after, it's in how we tie and relate to our loved ones. It is everywhere. I need it to be part of existing, because if it's not, it's... just me.

The crushing sadness is like radio static, the test screen on the tube. Most people *alive* will be sleeping when it airs, only some will hear or see it. But it's there. Yes, at night. Mostly at night, though that's hardly a consolation when the night rules over your day.

I think millions of people are fading away in the exact same eloquent way you put it. It's ok, it is what life is, I agree, but on the other hand: It shouldn't have to be this way. Why does it have to be this way?

(It's only Thursday, I'm duly aware, but I've a nagging suspicion the blue will still be here come Saturday)

emo post

sometimes even in the middle of a crowd of people who feel maddeningly not quite in reach.

There's a little scene in the first or second episode of Maniac on Netflix where there's a guy surrounded by friends at a table in a diner and he's telling a fun/funny story and he suddenly realises no-one gives a shit then they're all almost imperceptibly further away from him and he's trying to smile and finish his sentence but it's as dead and pointless as he is.

It's the most relatable part of the show so far.

Deep blue Saturday in the pub with a bottle of red and my angry Brexit mates

Late at night lately when I make myself stop playing Persona I just lie in front of the TV auditing my failure as a father and a human being. It passes in the morning tho.

Akshully just yarning thru the nature of patience and the comfort of human chatter is as good a medicine as there is, bar the payback of the inevitable comedown

do you wear one of those green visors during your audits

That might help!

I am a failure of a human, no request for cuddles or perspective wanted

Cheers brah man dude

Love your posts cals

Feel at the epicentre of a vast nullity and willfully refusing to do a thing about it. Click click shuck bing.

I just need to clear my remaining debts so I can die

well

yeah

hey, it's a gesture towards responsibility

i was more recognising it tbh

https://scontent.fhuy2-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/16114728_964843260283491_4832604270920672090_n.jpg?_nc_cat=110&_nc_ht=scontent.fhuy2-1.fna&oh=6c09fa2fb8c806302b08bfe083b0d0f6&oe=5CF147F6

nan, cousins, vague

at least in them days Walkers Crisps weren't getting bummed by Lineker! I was looking at an old pic from October '78 of me + bro in garden with dog, and that world seems so distant now - I literally feel like some embalmed relic.

my cousin shared this, there's always a shock. there's a Larkin poem where he talks about "lately I've caught myself saying '30 years ago'" or words to that effect, that rattles around my head a lot lately

Is that you in the striped tie? That tie (and that facial expression) are awesome.

No, that's my little brother. I'm holding the football on the right with an equally awesome expression.

A+ jacket!

great top. great photo.

Thanks!

Incidentally, that's my sister to the right of my brother. They're twins.

What a bunch of beautiful small people!

The moral of this story is that going to the pub raises many interesting philosophical issues