Blue Saturday

It's hard, this stuff innit.

xp seems a strange conclusion but i mean this stuff is tied to the intensely personal so

nah overthinking is 100% the devil. everyone is so focused on hammering the oblivious it's bleak for the overthinkers and v hard to build up habits of stopping agonising and just getting on with it. just doing things is always either nearly effortless or basically impossible, all this shit about effort and trying really hard is completely offtm

you have to take advantage of productive moods when they hit. remember coming home at 5am coming down off mushrooms and really drunk once and ringing up the bank to sort out all the financial shit I couldn't face for weeks bc I knew it was then or never

holy shit jeffrey archer is an ilxor

i should stress that this story is not at all representative, i'm not that type of player

there's a zen kind of "don't overthink" which is good and feels good and applies to lots of life but sometimes there's a "don't overthink" which feels like an exhortation to not think at all and i don't believe in it

tbf i'm overthinking right now as i always do when i'm at my mom's and it feels like being 17 and stuck and stifled and really i just need to live in the moment until i'm back home and able to start doing things and making decisions

xp well, you have to get on with things and not overthink them (NB I'm not at all good at this) but you also have to be able to work at things when those mercurial bolts of inspired productivity are just not happening (alas I am even worse at this), which perhaps is a different kind of thinking and getting on with - maybe even polar opposites, mortal enemies - but sometimes your brain refuses to acknowledge the difference

overthinking is so seductive though; if you try to turn it off it will tell you that you are missing valuable thoughts, that all this shit is a convoluted many-layered puzzle just for you, and if you don't work your way through it you could be missing your only chance to understand, to save yourself

(this is not true, there is nothing inside the puzzle except more puzzles and more self-loathing and more wasted time - ah, but how can I be sure?)

or that if you're not thinking thoughts then everyone else is and some of those thoughts might be about how bad you are for not thinking thoughts, especially thoughts about how bad you are and how you're not keeping up with their thinking rate

(this is hopefully also not true, most other people are just blundering through and are probably either too oblivious or too wrapped up in their own many-layered puzzles to think about you)

I fear I have veered quite far from what NV was talking about but that otm too, sending my best wishes <3

i just got hit with a subtle subtextual blast of "don't abandon us, don't do anything odd" against a background of shitty family values "charity builders"/"let's live in Australia" docs and i had to howl somewhere just for a minute

I had a post, it was ugly, early morning isn't, too many words I. The world, gurgle of water and stripes of cirrus, out

Was with some Welsh, Irish and Scottish ppl yesterday, showing them around. Met a Welsh man who's been a Wolves fan all his life (he's sort of bouncing back and forth between being wary of and excited about the Mendes project).

He said The Great Western in W'ton, near the train station, is the best pub in the world. Can you conform this y/n?

I am aware of it but I've never been in it.

i haven't smoked since last Thursday, i'm trying v hard to lay off the booze...i've got nothing to wash away this vast sump of sadness with, damnit

good man anyway

What about whatchamacallit, football

that’s a weird way to spell ‘masturbation’

Went for a walk into town, bumped into a friend, we had coffee and chat in some deck chairs outside a caff in Queen's Gardens. Afterwards in the space where the pub was whispering at me I bought a couple of games and some snacky food and am on my way home to behave. Even the coffee triggers little anxiety bubbles tho.

international football to one side - because that's really just joeks, aesthetic posturing and the ball-rolling game alluded to by Mencap elsewhere - there's nothing new or remarkable or unexpected about being disgusted and exhausted by your birth nation. it's been happening to people since the notion of nations first appeared, whole boatloads of malcontents getting the fuck out of home and sailing off to make their own dystopia somewhere else. right now mine is probably made up of self-loathing and hatred of family and mundane expressions of culture and more misanthropy than i think is good but it's ok, it's ok to feel out of place and tired of other people's bullshit orbiting around the dense pointlessness of yr own. at least i'm lucid, it'll pass, Shangri-La isn't out there, we remember to look back at our feet and not upset ourselves dreaming beyond them.

smashong pumpgong (Noodle Vague) wrote this on thread Blue Saturday on board I Love Everything on 23-Feb-2018

i just watched Calvary, it was great, but i've got nothing clever to say about it.

right you

get the fuck back in here and defend this

which bit? it's an entertaining movie but that might be the most of it

thought it was pseudo deep and apart from main role and performance was poorly written and poorly performed

"great" fair enough i wont hold u to that

Agree with that really, tho I enjoyed most of the main cast and obv Gleeson can do no wrong. Think we've discussed the shallowness of both brothers before, I can't decide if they fail at what they set out to do or if you're just meant to enjoy the language at surface level and not worry about content.

Plus I was probably gloomily receptive to the mood, god knows I usually am.

oh hes a long way off his brother, who is at best a very enjoyable dialogue, big theme and empty but stylish character writer

this guy is a looong way off that. second only to ben elton in overwritten dialogue tho tbf in this gleesons is a very well written one. frankly suspect it was re-engineered by himself tbh.

i apologise all day for martins excesses up til billboards.

the two of them would want to stay away from themes for a while, they havent the heft

trying on shirts in a 3-mirrored fitting room this morning, surrounded with the landslide bulk of myself, i swear i nearly bust out crying or came home to lock myself away forever

been there.

there are ppl want to have sex like that, wtf

they are maybe more aesthetically pleasing than me idk

it was the alien nature of the desire that struck me, even so

l'ecrivain is one of Dublin's posh restaurants (rather living offve it now imo) and their downstairs wc is set up four walls like this

that was a shock tbh

mirrors are disorienting at the best of times, i have no idea why some posh bars/restaurants think bathrooms are the ideal place to induce psychic breakdown

I don't even like accidentally catching my vague silhouette in reflective surfaces, mirrors are full torture!

Hannah Bedworth with the Gershwin classic The Man I Love. pic.twitter.com/ShWuLXYhHi

— Hull Music Hub (@HullMusicHub) July 19, 2018

<3

awesome

mighty!

I picked a silly weekend to reach a personal crisis but maybe that's part of the point. Sitting in the middle of a festival campsite enjoying the calm early morning sky and its underlying ripples of conversations and dance music off in the distance, birds cawing, tide of sound at low ebb.

I'm OK - 2 weeks with no more than 3 or 4 cigs and them a week and a while ago, a sudden realignment of my brain into weird areas of knowing when I don't want a drink, the hint of knowing how I need to get my shit together that might just beat out my regular inertia. I'm hitting a change that feels positive.

But I need to put it on hold until after this weekend's over, especially so I don't be the cloud across my friends's sunny day. I felt crushingly overwhelmingly alone in the middle of a crowded field last night and somehow I am alone - a somehow of my own making over decades, that I mightn't ever be able to undo. And I'm not sure on balance I haven't chosen it cos it's easiest or most comfortable.

Anyway my head's racing way too much and my self-criticism is running crazy but somehow it's OK. I'm blue but I'm not frozen. I dunno. I needed to write this out and it's not what I wanted to say but I have very strong urges to shut up, maybe for a long time. Absolutely mumbling to myself right now.

could take orders

not the first time I've daydreamed about that

maturity is when you turn your dejected apathy into a 12-hour Persona sesh rather than a 12-hour pub sesh

flash of insight - loving techno doesn't mean i enjoy being in clubs feeling old and fat and unhealthy and an object of faint ridicule

ime the best club nights have plenty of old and fat and unhealthy ppl & everyone is ridiculous. the exceptions that prove the rule, i suppose

I would hate anybody who spoke about other people the way I speak to myself in my head but lol, inner voices

yeah, and the cycle of hating yrself for yr hatred and so on. anyway yr smarter and cooler and more dashing than the clueless kids who have stumbled in & lots of them are just as miserable and self-loathing as their elders

Typed out a long whiny reply, pressed the wrong bit of the phone, lost it. Probably for the best.

Thanks ogmor :)

too much spoils it but just a little self-loathing is the sour note that really brings a dancefloor to life

:D

This afternoon could go on forever

I spent a fuckton on rum and bandits yesterday, I started smoking again, I can't get it together to fill out a job application without freaking out, every cunt wants me to have a licence and a car anyway, I'm struggling to cope with the demands of day to day living, nobody writes to this colonel. and I've got a twitching hangover. gah, 50 fucking years of snowflake uselessness.

smoking makes people look cooler, it's been proven

you should adopt a means of mobility other than a car. i suggest push-scooter but ymmv

also why the fuck would a potential employer care about what i was doing in the mid 90s?