Blue Saturday

there were points yesterday when i just had to tell myself i was cosplaying Bukowski to preserve my own sanity, one of them was when the woman i'd met the night before aged 20 years before my eyes, then when i found out she was still younger than i am, then when the first pub turned us away cos she's some kind of notorious, then when i was sat outside Primark with a broken plastic bag spilling shoplifted underwear all over the pavement and really kinda hoping she wasn't coming back

panic marksie dream girl

lol v good

thought I was dying an hour ago but I think it's just the usual slow mo too many cigs not enough sleep panic attack

My Saturday is guaranteed not to be blue thanks to you, NV and calzino

im a wedding out wesht itll be better than the other shite

NV my heart swells 4 u

I had a beer with breakfast while listening to Palace’s Days in the Wake. Ate some w33d chocolate for desert. It’s raining all day. Let’s see where this goes.

I'm back in bed with my cpap mask on as a regulatory breathing aid and I've got one week of work left and I got my notice of how much redundancy pay I'm getting and things will be OK for a decent while as long as I lay off the psycho binges which I feel pretty comfortable about doing right now

Totally nailed Chris Isaak on the karaoke last night

church has 16 harry clarke windows which is a result

contemplating putting into action my lifelong dream of getting HUME and KANT knuckle tattoos

DO THAT

It will show future employers that I am committed to liberal enlightenment and dialectic

left hand for awakening blokes from their dogmatic slumber, right hand for PUTTING THEM BACK INTO ONE

What hurts more, a constant conjunction or a necessary connection?

http://newhive.com/fanniesosa/a-white-institution-s-guide?&no_paging

what

idk man

https://www.costelloentertainments.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/rory_mcilroy1-gall_v2_th.jpg

the hell

http://lookalikes.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/alanpardewdouble.jpg

http://lookalikes.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/fergie11.jpg

http://lookalikes.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/arsene_wenger_01.jpg

Dennis Nilsen is looking smart these days!

Whenever there is a decline in righteousness and an increase in unrighteousness, O Arjun, at that time I manifest myself on earth.
To protect the righteous, to annihilate the wicked, and to reestablish the principles of dharma I appear on this earth, age after age.
Those who understand the divine nature of my birth and activities, O Arjun, upon leaving the body, do not have to take birth again, but come to my eternal abode.
Being freed from attachment, fear, and anger, becoming fully absorbed in me, and taking refuge in me, many persons in the past became purified by knowledge of me, and thus they attained my divine love.
In whatever way people surrender unto me, I reciprocate with them accordingly. Everyone follows my path, knowingly or unknowingly, O son of Pritha.
In this world, those desiring success in material activities worship the celestial gods, since material rewards manifest quickly.

Is that an Alan Pardew lookalike?

allegedly

Busy man, I'm sure.

fergie would be surprisingly good if he sorted out the smile

nose could be redder

always been stuck out in the no-man's land between the freaks and the normies

o hai, it me

just a sunshine wry observation. I think a lot of who I am is a history of chickening out when I get too close to one side or the other

the big day??

pubbed :/

you can't wack a good 10 minutes loathing yrself in the mirror

36 hours kids. I really don't know what I'm trying to get out of my system but I wish it would get out already.

and another day twitching like fuck, thinking I'm gonna have a heart attack or a brain haemmorage, everything that was funny yesterday turned to a rotten mouth full of ash, 40 years of self hate, afraid of dying the painful way, totally alone

Hannah was explaining to me who Kate Spade was the other day because I'm ignorant and old, and her and now Bourdain this week have really struck something in me. Too much horror, the darkness always way too close. This will pass, but I can't believe how hard it is to get better and to change.

aaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgh

something about families, militant normalcy, the kind of daytime tv shows that celebrate same, the friends i've slipped away from while i was in the throes of depression, the uncaring glacial pressure of my situation in the world, the guilt of jibbing against duty, can't list all this or express it, boils down to the sick joke of imagining my life might be my own

i dunno

feel quite calm and clear and functional and committed to sobriety still but god what do i do without turning my back on people

i dunno

Generally coming to the conclusion that overthinking is the root of all my woes... but to abandon overthinking and just stop worrying just feels like self-annihilation.

It's hard, this stuff innit.

xp seems a strange conclusion but i mean this stuff is tied to the intensely personal so

nah overthinking is 100% the devil. everyone is so focused on hammering the oblivious it's bleak for the overthinkers and v hard to build up habits of stopping agonising and just getting on with it. just doing things is always either nearly effortless or basically impossible, all this shit about effort and trying really hard is completely offtm

you have to take advantage of productive moods when they hit. remember coming home at 5am coming down off mushrooms and really drunk once and ringing up the bank to sort out all the financial shit I couldn't face for weeks bc I knew it was then or never

holy shit jeffrey archer is an ilxor

i should stress that this story is not at all representative, i'm not that type of player

there's a zen kind of "don't overthink" which is good and feels good and applies to lots of life but sometimes there's a "don't overthink" which feels like an exhortation to not think at all and i don't believe in it

tbf i'm overthinking right now as i always do when i'm at my mom's and it feels like being 17 and stuck and stifled and really i just need to live in the moment until i'm back home and able to start doing things and making decisions

xp well, you have to get on with things and not overthink them (NB I'm not at all good at this) but you also have to be able to work at things when those mercurial bolts of inspired productivity are just not happening (alas I am even worse at this), which perhaps is a different kind of thinking and getting on with - maybe even polar opposites, mortal enemies - but sometimes your brain refuses to acknowledge the difference

overthinking is so seductive though; if you try to turn it off it will tell you that you are missing valuable thoughts, that all this shit is a convoluted many-layered puzzle just for you, and if you don't work your way through it you could be missing your only chance to understand, to save yourself

(this is not true, there is nothing inside the puzzle except more puzzles and more self-loathing and more wasted time - ah, but how can I be sure?)

or that if you're not thinking thoughts then everyone else is and some of those thoughts might be about how bad you are for not thinking thoughts, especially thoughts about how bad you are and how you're not keeping up with their thinking rate

(this is hopefully also not true, most other people are just blundering through and are probably either too oblivious or too wrapped up in their own many-layered puzzles to think about you)

I fear I have veered quite far from what NV was talking about but that otm too, sending my best wishes <3

i just got hit with a subtle subtextual blast of "don't abandon us, don't do anything odd" against a background of shitty family values "charity builders"/"let's live in Australia" docs and i had to howl somewhere just for a minute

I had a post, it was ugly, early morning isn't, too many words I. The world, gurgle of water and stripes of cirrus, out