I'm an alcoholic

I find social situations a little tricky, intimidating even, when sober. I'm super conscious of myself and don't feel like I have much confidence in having anything to say. When lubricated, that all seems to change. But that's not really a way to be, is it?

feeling you on this, except i tend to drink way too quickly and then just blather on like a complete idiot for the rest of the evening. always wake up the next day full of regret about the dumb stuff i've said, the shabby figure i must cut in public

where would my life be without regret about the dumb stuff i've said and the shabby figure i must cut and the complete strangers who tell me i spoke to them for 3 hours last weekend?

hey if they listened for 3 hours, it couldn't have been all drivel

feeling you on this, except i tend to drink way too quickly and then just blather on like a complete idiot for the rest of the evening. always wake up the next day full of regret about the dumb stuff i've said, the shabby figure i must cut in public

That thing where you're walking around on a Sunday lunchtime and get a flashback to that stupid thing you said and let out an audible 'UGH!'

ugh yes

isnt that everyone

like, thats "the fear" it has a name i meam cmon

yes, it's common as anything, ofc

sounds like you own it though deems, whereas, i fear, it totally owns me

deems otm

the thing about this is, i think alcoholism in its varying forms is often addressed as being a bit like drug or substance abuse where you're addicted to the high, which of course is true for a lot of people.

But for me it's a mixture of not wanting to feel lonely, having FOMO, and therefore wanting to socialise and meet people quite a lot, but at the same time not really feeling like i have the confidence or imagination to do this without getting hammered. the last thing i want to do these days is stay at home with my thoughts and feelings on a Friday night. i wish, like the friend i mentioned upthread, that i had that confidence to be able to drink soda water all night and still feel upbeat and interesting ,but it doesn't come naturally. And the thing is, I've actually become quite good at dealing with hangovers. As a light sleeper and insomniac, I've always been good at ignoring tiredness. Now I find I'm able to let alcohol-induced anxiety wash off me quite easily, and that worries me a bit.

would you say you are dry-curious?

lol NV

Even without alcohol (or alcoholism) as a component, regret and guilt are rarely useful/productive emotions.*

Even when completely sober I've said a boneheaded thing, cringed about it for days, and had it haunt each subsequent night like a chain-clanking ghost.

It's liberating to remember this: the other people in the room have probably forgotten it by now (if not within a few minutes). Everybody's dealing with their own shit, pretty much constantly, and they don't have a lot of leftover time for your shit. They're not spending time meticulously scrutinizing your behavior. Their mental cycles are all occupied with pointlessly regretting their own mistakes.

* = By this I only mean _useless_ thought-spirals of guilt and regret. If realizing you fucked up makes you change your behavior and make amends, that's not useless.

yea I had what you might call a "moment of clarity" one morning when I got a random FB message from a stranger saying "dude, what is your problem?"

god, i dont own it nick, i hate it

it's the fear tho i mean what are you gonna do

ymp otm, continuing a good average tbfttp

ymp otm

more on topic, i've been giving up drinking for months at a time lately and it's great. somewhere between fortunately and unfortunately i have replaced it almost entirely with weed

Over the 3 years, my usage of pot has been naturally decreasing down to "creative and/or recreational"

helpful to go back to the papawheelie post from a little over a year ago, looking forward to potentially winding down to this

happy to see this thread, dealing with this myself. in outpatient and doing AA regularly. still can’t wait for 5pm tho

this definitely runs in my family, people have done AA, people have been in hospitals, etc. there is an alcoholic (addictive) gene that can take many forms, not just alcohol itself, but that sensory/chemical/mental addiction, which can be gotten from anything: liquor, drugs, movies, videogames, relationships, (online) interactions, etc. anything that triggers a little part of your brain. some people do not have it and some do and it is v genetic. someday i intend on reading the books, i have heard great things about them, and seen many peoples' lives changed for the better.

imo it is v dangerous that alcohol abuse is treated so lightly in the public at large. there is a marketable coolness about it, the coolness of consuming yourself, so prevalent in pop culture. it is romanticized: the brilliant alcoholic writer, the mentally damaged self-harming painter. look at Prince, Tom Petty, Elvis, etc. all dying of prescription pain killers, something the claims more lives than street heroin, the modern plague of mass addiction.

It’s funny, so much of how people talk about this stuff has no resonance for me at all. I remember everything I said the night before and it’s pretty much all good stuff

If I’m afraid I made an arse of myself there will probably be other substances involved

When I was going to Inclusion meetings (which were great btw) there was a definite assumption that your drinking had become antisocial, that you had wrecked relationships maybe irrecoverably &c. None of that is really true for me (if anything, I’m a great drunk) but it was important to realise that that doesn’t change the fact that I’m a slave to it and it’s having a detrimental effect on my physical and mental health

Definitely relate to dog latin’s anxiety about facing social situations sober, that’s the most difficult thing to overcome - it’s also a direct result of alcohol misuse tbf

I quit a few years ago and can handle most social situations just fine but my number one annoyance now is the "late-night final round and/or dance party" that many of my friends (and spouse) love. At that point in the night I've just about had it but consider it a penance for my past mis-deeds. another big annoyance is ppl asking why i don't have a drink in my hand, but generally they're coming from a good place.

it's the non-social (solo) times that are my problem and I'll never get completely over that.

and it sure helps to know a circle of ppl around the neighborhood who are going through similar things. it's like the most accepting, supportive secret society and I love hanging w them amongst the drinkers.

It’s funny, so much of how people talk about this stuff has no resonance for me at all. I remember everything I said the night before and it’s pretty much all good stuff

Haha this rings so true. I do hate it the times I get maudlin or confessional, but this is rare. The (deadly) appeal, in social settings, is that I become such an excellent version of myself. But I am barely an alcoholic in society. The real drinking I do is solitary, pure bliss. And it's very productive, still, sometimes. I really get work done. If it weren't for the qualms of the body, I would be hard at it nightly forever.

wow! ambulance rides are expensive! especially stupid since all they did at the hospital was put me in a robe and tell me to sleep. could have called me a 7 dollar lyft home and draw up a cold shower instead and experience similar outcomes

sometimes medical intervention is required. acute alcohol poisoning is a real thing.

at least give me an IV is all i’m saying

An IV at that point is just the front end to a catheter

thanks all for explaining why i went to the hospital

global :( i'm rooting for you from afar <3

just one trip was all i needed! hope the same for you, glob

once i see the bill for my
little foray to the hospital and once i have been quietly explained to how i’m not allowed in my favorite bar i’m sure it will all make sense

<3 global

It will make zero sense! You fucked up. We all fuck up. Take time for yourself, go for a hike, dry out, remember the bill but don’t kick yourself.

idk, sometimes you just do the same things you do every other day and suddenly people are telling you that you fucked up! shit creeps up on you

global—

That is hard. I'm really lucky that I was an alone drinker. I'm sure something similar would have ended up happening to me had I ever ventured out into the bar scene. I guess, if there's a positive, just be thankful you didn't have to deal with police and / or face arrest / detainment.

i’m an alone drinker! just in bars sometimes. at least the guy who called them on me is probably the crustiest and most classic ‘door guy’ in town, he’s surely seen some shit

Pulling for you, keep it positive!

Most of my problems come from drinking.
I’m an alone drinker as well, tho I have friends over as well sometimes. Hope you’re alright global

going to therapy tonight, outpatient mtg tomorrow, AA wednesday. i’ve got the resources

Good luck man. Good steps too!!

I hope you can get something out of AA. I forced myself to go many times and hated it just as much the nth time as I did the first time. I'm not just trying to ironic or funny when I say that going to AA actually made me want to drink more. But, if you can get something out it, then go for it.

ya, i had a friend who bailed on AA after one session and instead just found a therapist to talk to.

AA can be great if you find a mtg that suits you. meetings can vary widely depending on who's there. they can be really fun or serious. they can lean heavily on the higher power stuff or barely mention it. the one consistent thing that I've noticed are that they are very welcoming and non-judgey. definitely worth giving it a shot. good luck!!!!

good luck! my little brother OD'd over ten years ago and has been using AA to stay clean ever since. i know several people that have maintained sobriety thru AA, it can definitely be a big help. especially if you travel often, you can find AA meetings pretty much everywhere.

Yeah aa isn’t for me - I want to quit drinking, not join a cult thx - and it can be a bit annoying when it’s pushed as THE treatment to the point of crowding out more effective/appropriate things. Luckily here in the uk there are a ton of group therapy programmes on the nhs that have nothing to do with 12-step doctrine - you sometimes get a tiny bit of culty talk from some members but on the part of the ppl running the sessions it’s not like “you must follow this method a couple of randos came up with a century ago”, it’s more about practical evidence-based advice. I can’t say I got much from Inclusion on the whole, I barely saw my case worker & never got the drugs I was supposed to get but the groups I attended were helpful I think. “Welcoming and non-judgey” about sums it up

i dont think i’m getting a ton out of AA, but my work wanta me to go and the people there are pretty interesting/funny and hey its a place to go that doesnt involve booze (generally, that is... apparently a guy got 86d the meeting before i joined because he was sauced)

I did AA for five years and it saved my life, and I needed every meeting I went to & am grateful for my time there.

huh there was a v drunk dude at one of the first meetings i went to and i was like OMG!!!! and nobody else even batted an eye.

i think it's totally possible to benefit from AA meetings without doing the 12-step program. It's just a nice place to sit and meditate and listen to ppl talk and I just about always walk away with a new insight into my own issues. i think maybe the meetings I go to are pretty low-key on The Program and especially the higher power talk.

this guy was apparently yelling and threatening people