Blue Saturday

it had already come to bits before y/day's bereavement, like i'd pre-cogged it without realizing.

just when i think i'm out i drag me back in again. the same mistakes, or new versions of the old mistakes. i keep trying to fix me so's to make nice with the world but the world is indifferent and won't ever try to meet me halfway. i try to show sad or frustrated or some version of "look i'm trying here" but i don't believe i'm trying and i don't know what i want except evaporation. indolence carried to the point where i just flake away like a parsee to mingle with the detritus filling the house. i think the indolence is much easier than trying to untangle the actual wishes and ideas and desires that still swoosh through my brain periodically.

the mistake was trying to get right one-sidedly without addressing what to do or how to live. i tell myself or other people tell me you have to fix the one thing first. you have to become functional and useful and then if you do that for long enough maybe you can work on digging your tunnel or maybe the world will give you a holiday for good behaviour. you have to earn your self-actualization and it's doled out in small chunks, if at all. evenings and weekends as they say. tho the evenings and weekends don't work because the chunks are too small and you have to be careful not to cross-contaminate work time. industrial space-time.

i'm trying very hard to stay sober this week because a) i don't think non-sobriety is helping and b) i have no better ideas to cling onto. mainly b. i don't like leaving the house unless i have to get food. i want to try to manage with less and less food but then my brain gets hungry and i start eating. i don't think my stomach is hungry at all. just the idea of food comes along and irritates. when the irritation weighs more than the need to stay inside i drag some clothes on and run to the nearest shop and back quick as i can. tho the shop takes too long because i just stare at aisles of things i don't want and i don't really know what i want - something effortless, something that needs as little preparation as possible.

i feel 70, whatever that feels like. i mean i feel like i'm retired, on the way out, no more skin in the game. sometimes i tell myself a drink will at least shake me out of this but i don't want to be out of it and see above. i'm in a great nothing that can't aspire to meditation. just distracted apathy, video games and a little reading. sick of the world without nausea. the language of tv adverts is the language of limbo, dream voices nagging and cajoling you to the worst kind of extinction: participation.

i type all this out to get a handle, to try to get a handle. to try to understand where i am. from outside: what's wrong. but here i'm not wrong i just am here, stuck, maybe a smidgeon bored or wishing i could get out of this still but that'll pass, again, and it'll be bedtime soon enough and i'll be up again tomorrow with the great weight pressing me into the bed, keeping me in here which might as well be everywhere.

dream voices nagging and cajoling you to the worst kind of extinction: participation

damn

that's a lovely and lyrical post nv. i hope writing it out has proven some form of consolation

thanks :/

i've got no idea what i'm doing

that is probably preferable to dull certainty

Hi NV

that hits pretty close to home tbh

there's a little-known phrase that i find really helpful in trying times, and i can't believe more people don't know about it

hold on lemme google it up for you and make sure i get it right, i think you're really gonna like it

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/6f/Keep-calm-and-carry-on-scan.jpg

hope that helps buddy

well i'm calm and i don't half carry on so

:D

keep on truckin' NV

jeez neil way to pick a cliche

hah it's just what I do

<3 all the best NV

great post. some familiar feelings summed up beautifully in there.

thanks

i opened some Beaujolais, i'm v short on ideas :)

look after yrself NV

(online is not nothing: ppl like having you around here)

it's true. i am doing some things better which lets me justify continuing to do most things badly

online is not nothing: ppl like having you around here

this is v true on both counts

i think i'd be appreciably more of a basket case without ilx providing me an outlet to vent about climate change, cannibalism, late-stage capitalism and comic books

tbth i do always appreciate my online chums and the space to mumble

it's not nothing

"little internet buddies" as my GF refers to you all

as a hulking monster-man i appreciate being referred to as 'little' tbh

np, will pass that on

fyi i use the big big font on my browser

Browse big, post small l, isn't that what they say?

I'm in the pub hearing beautiful football stories

make sure you tell them about your little internet buddies

I tell them everything bu

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1dlaikCaa4

in my head on a loop all week

This song began my realization of the Buddha as my teacher. I was a 8 year old British Caribbean boy born to Christian family. Today as a man i am a Buddhist.

The artless Jew : medieval and modern affirmations and denials of the visual
Bland, Kalman P

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102

Seamus Heaney: Poet, Critic, Translator
Ashby Bland Crowder, Jason David Hall (eds.)

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103

The Breast, 2-Volume Set, Expert Consult Online and Print: Comprehensive Management of Benign and Malignant Diseases, 4e (Breast (2 Vol. Set)
Kirby I. Bland MD

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104

Flex 4 in Action
Tariq Ahmed, Dan Orlando, John C. Bland II, Joel Hooks

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105

Representation Theory (Spring 2013)
Joe Harris, J. Bland

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106

Toric Geometry (Spring 2013)
Carl Mautner, J. Bland

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107

Algebraic Number Theory (Spring 2013)
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108

Deciphering Chemical Language of Plant Communication
James D. Blande, Robert Glinwood (eds.)

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I was a 8 year old British Caribbean boy born to Christian family. Today as a man i am a Buddhist.

his bar mitzvah must have been wild

The old mama-San at my regular has been replaced by a carbon copy 15 years her junior. I’m not complaining

i'ma listen to JTimbs's "Mirrors" on a loop and then kill myself. peace, you're all lovely

sorry kids. I'm a drunky cunt. I slept it off

thx for not dying, appreciate it

But look if you go take Eric Dier with u yeah?

no worries. I'd go into details but it's a bit much even for me. Bottom line is I spend too much money on day-long benders and I was needlessly, casually cruel to this guy last night.

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/26/65/e6/2665e65f0ece9d6d89bf195e51115664.jpg

life's probably reached a low point when you consider going to watch Gaz Coombes as a conceptual jape

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization_disorder

Hmmmm

I've often wondered about that, irrespective of going to Gaz Coombes gigs, but I'm just too functional to be really crazy. or something.

anyway I feel ok today, those posts were light-hearted fun.

I meant for me you fucking narcissist

ah i see now

you're so fecking tangential, what do you expect? what we need is clear statements of facts in here.

i'll note that for a diagnosis it has to be sufficiently disorienting to interfere with your day to day existence but then that's a pretty nebulous concept anyway

Well it would be wunt it

My tangentialism is a symptom u brute

who knows what the day to day would be like if we weren't being interfered with

If anyone wants to sponsor my conceptual jape . I'm willing to get a full back tattoo of a Gaz Coombes trypticon with lasers firing out of his eyes, and the Progress logo on my forehead. Then I will do ridiculous dancing with a wooden rattler for a few cans of lager. No, just joking - I won't be that desperate until next month!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2xdCvhvyqY

Twenty-three members of a Melbourne family were removed from a Carnival Cruise ship in southern NSW today after a violent brawl broke out on-board between passengers and security staff emerged.

i need to lol

In dramatic footage of the fight, up to 30 people on-board the 10-day Carnival Legend trip to the South Pacific can be seen fighting while others are screaming and attempting to hold them back, before the ship's security guards step in and pin them to the ground.

let's do it and be carnival legends

I'm gonna straight up say Irish heritagr