Homemade Jokes

I've got a fetish for feet, but only for white girls' feet. I went to the doctor and he told me I'm black toes intolerant.

what did the Japanese noise musician say when his wife gave birth?

new sooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

The local pub has started selling a pop-themed buy-one-get-one-free craft ale.

Dual IPA

Didja, didja hear that it's going to take longer to count people in 2020?

XTC's already got a song about it called "Census Working Overtime".

I did think up that brilliant take on my own, but I do have to mention that it was also made here about 15 years ago: I need a good title for a boring paper

My opponent claims that I am an alcoholic who is more interested in vodka than helping my constituents. But that is a baseless smirnoff.

how long does it take to find a mummy's home?
two minutes (tomb innits)

puns requiring parentheses are one of my fav ilx tropes

*Emily Litella Voice* "Why is everyone so up in arms about ice raids at 7-11? When I was in college, we did those all the time, how else are you going to serve cold drinks?"

Drove past Herman Munster's Shoe Emporium

Big place, covers several thousand square feet

*answers the phone*
sorry you're going to have to speak up, i'm wearing a towel

Homer-made jokes

Herself- we still have that sauce you bought, I think you owe me a duck dinner
Meself- hoi-sinned on my own canard

teal a l'orange.xls

(Someone must have made that joke already right)

If I ain't heard it it's new to me

Why did the blood chop off a digit from a rival gang member’s foot and then wait for it to go up in value?

Because it was crip toe currency.

Q: What do you get when you kick Batman in the junk?

A: a Bruised Wang

Doesn't he wear a reinforced cod piece?
So more bruised foot innit

That wouldn't work tho would it as a joke it wouldn't work because foot does not sound like Wayne whereas Wang sounds a little like wang

Computer Programmer #1: Why are you tapping the keys so loudly?

Computer Programmer #2: I'm teaching myself Java and the manual said it's a strongly typed language.

nice

"You must be Balaam, 'cus your ass is talking"

Reading the Bible at the moment, that joke was what I've gotten out of it so far.

There's a new movie about a Jewish guy from Brooklyn who was known around the neighborhood for his crazy sunglasses addiction.

They called him...

Fifty Shades Freed

Ha!

I enjoyed the first movie, in which he was trying to acquire the impressive sunglasses collection of Macy Gray.

Or the second movie, about Freed's mobbed up, sunglasses-addicted uncle, Fifty Shades Shtarker

I ran out of faux pas so I’m going gauchery shopping

oh matt

Software Function #1: Hey, I heard you broke up with that cute loop! What happened?

Software Function #2: Yeah, she called me all the time, but there were just too many arguments.

what's your favorite lou barlow song? mine's 'walk like an egyptian'. oh wait, that's the bangles.

this more of a bad pickup line thing but

"Hey baby, what's your name?"

"You first."

"Everyone calls me 59. I'm just looking for a 10 to make 69 with."

"Well, everyone calls me 418 because I'm just looking for a 2 to hook me up with some 420 but I can see that's not happening tonight."

"Maybe you should hook up with that 1 down at the end of the bar, cause you look like a fake-ass Nigerian prince."

"Never trust a person whose name can be pronounced the same forwards and backwards, like 'Bob' or 'Snatans.'"

- "The top of Three Mile Island's reactor core was exposed and the intense heat caused a reaction to occur between the steam forming in the reactor core and the Zircaloy nuclear fuel rod cladding, yielding zirconium dioxide, hydrogen, and additional heat. This reaction melted the nuclear fuel rod cladding and damaged the fuel pellets, which released radioactive isotopes to the reactor coolant, and produced hydrogen gas that is believed to have caused a small explosion in Three Mile Island's containment building."

- "Whoa, whoa, whoa. TMI, man. TMI."

hahaha works for me

What do you call the tendency to over-medicate allergy symptoms?

Over-Reactine

I just walked into the restroom at work and, seeing that every stall was occupied, thought to myself, 'wow, full house...or is it a royal flush?!?'.

(I swear that this popped into my head with zero conscious effort. I've already scheduled an appointment with my neurologist, so no worries.)

What kind of hand were you holding?

good one old lunch

thats when lbron james coems out of a stall in a cloud of weed smoke and says "nah, just a king high."

These homemade jokes are every bit as good as the industrially manufactured ones!

'Sleeping together'.... you don't sleep!

as long as it wasn't a couple of deuces in the pocket

What does Lebron James eat for breakfast? Lebran flakes.

Walking down the street, overheard some guy exclaiming to a woman "You're from Bolivia ?!"

and I really wanted to say to the woman "he doesn't believia"

my fave classic ilx joke is the one about stevie nicks

where did stevie nicks do her lines?

in the bathroom

http://wallpaperen.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/unique-images-of-the-strongest-man-in-the-world-here-are-the-2016-world-s-strongest-man-groups-and-events-images-of-the-strongest-man-in-the-world.png

Look at this guy! Even without seeing his body, you can tell he's ripped, from the head lines.

*groans*

^ not just my reaction, but my caption to the image.