Blue Saturday

If I could pull off that look, I'd be the CEO of a second tier tech company.

never stop posting iirc

http://memegenerator.net/img/images/5103481.jpg
"Always... Be... Cposting..."

Finally, they come along
The weight upon their shoulders, it just can't be wrong
If you'd only seen, the trauma and degeneration
I just can't describe it, oh no no

Finally it has happened to me, door slammed right in my face
My heart's lost forever

like at the end of a shower when you turn the hot off

good session with my counsellor yesterday, feel like I'm making real progress, so obviously I went on a fourteen hour bender, came home, passed out, slept all day, missed work. fucking fuck's fucking sake I fucking hate myself, worthless useless feckless cretin, some merciful god kill me and stop fucking everybody about

You are worthy

i'm sure you'll shrug those feelings off quickly if you haven't already but you're none of those things nv & you don't deserve to hear that shit, from yourself or anyone else.

i just don't understand why i keep failing in the same way. 30+ years of drunk. one of the stories i told my counsellor on Thursday was about how i turned up to my Oxford Uni interview with the remains of the bottle of cider i'd be drinking on the way down.

now i keep saying i'm not an alcoholic cos i'm not fucked up every day. i manage to go a week or more before caning it so hard i end up injured or put at risk or lost or off work. same kind of pattern for 30 odd years, sometimes more frequent, sometimes a little less. 6 months of sobriety maybe 3 or 4 times. endless debt and failed relationships. and tho i still feel like today - ok that's enough, no more, only an idiot would keep doing this, i know for sure that in another day or two i'll start to wheedle myself around - gotta go out for the end of term, gotta go and watch the football, gotta keep in touch with my friends, one or two won't hurt, just need a bit of control, i can do that. and round we go again.

i know the dramarama self-loathing doesn't help me. i don't know much that does help me. breathe deep, keep working on the counselling, keep trying i guess. and you can't dwell on the past or feel constrained by it but sometimes you leave enough wreckage in your wake and it makes the path forward very narrow.

might be important to not view your life as one unified item. some days go badly, some relationships fail - but sometimes it's good, some weeks you get on top of things, some seasons you storm the league. and what feels like constant regression to booze is just one of many modes you operate in. anyway, good luck with keeping the demons at bay, we're all rooting for you

some days charlton lose, millwall and palace win, and england's faint ashes hopes get murdered into the earth with a thousand jagged stakes

Eyes know nothing of these pleasantries; they do not recognize exchange. When our eyes meet someone else's they become uneasy, as if they could make out their own empty, soulless reflection in the other person's pupils. Hardly have they met when they slip aside and try to dodge one another; their lines of flight cross in an invisible point, making an angle whose acuteness expresses the divergence, the deeply felt lack of harmony. Sometimes unison is achieved and eyes connect; the beautiful parallel stare of royal couples in Egyptian sculpture, the misty, melting gaze, brimming with eroticism, of lovers: eyes which devour one another from afar. But most of the time the eyes repudiate the superficial agreement sealed by the handshake. Consider the popularity of the energetic reiteration of social agreement (the phrase 'let's shake on it' indicates its commercial overtones): isn't it a trick played on the senses, a way of dulling the sensitivity of the eyes so that they don't revolt against the emptiness of the spectacle? The good sense of consumer society has brought the old expression 'see things my way' to its logical conclusion: whichever way you look, you see nothing but things.

not sad but peaceful, i have very forgiving friends, i shd learn to accept to deserve them

rum: loneliness: weekend: let's go

7:30:2:30::coffeeshop:bar

high five

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFfOgtTEji4

Fin.

findeed.

bad and self-hateful hangover.

with reference to ongoing flirtation thread i may be not checking my "libido flattened by age and antidepressants" privilege.

maybe a less harsh and self-hating way of putting that would be "a kindly disposition" or "avuncular". Well, that's what I tell myself, but ugly old bassa is closer to the truth!

work smarter, not harder

that feeling when you're that bored that you end up clicking on ILM threads or Chapo Trap House just because

it's a very bad feeling

I recommend incognito view so ILX doesn't keep reminding you of your lapse.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=il6OKhd5iyM

Sure as fuck is a loooong Saturday this particular one, this fucker, this comedown. If it will ever come down at all. And if it will, down to what exactly? (i'm floating fyi)

Murmurs. Frost-bitten soul gnawed away at. Not terribly much left iirc. The bottles rolling over the floor when I accidentally kick them annoy me to no end; they get in the way of my feet when I try to get up from the sofa tryna find my way to the bedroom, the bed, unsuccessfully. I sure as hell didn't bring them bottles in aye? "Of course you didn't! Dem fucking drunks, fucking drunks bringn them in!"

Fucking drunks am I not right, fellows? More murmurs, more bullshit, all this bullshit, never-ending stream of bullshit. If I die tonight that's quite alright, just give me summat nice to listen to. Not a lot to ask tbh. Something sedative, something nice. Pretenders? Why yes aren't e all.. Oh the song yes, yes that will do, yessir ty. And I didn't get those bottles in here tbh, really didrn't wasn't me iirc but it's ok, mann this is a looongg saturday, this will do, quite nice chaps, ah yes that's nice

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-7Hy7uAb_eU

scratch all that; just a long saturday. long.

deepest blue, lost boy blue, pub blue because what else blue?

that feeling when you're that bored that you end up clicking on ILM threads or Chapo Trap House just because

tfw when you realise you and ilx poster noodle vague are in fact the same person

Love you tiher

That was supposed to say tiger ffs

https://geekwisdom.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/mary-jane-watson.jpg

*shwoon*

drink this mess around

some days god throws you a mutual crush and some days she's married anyway

can really feel how peaceful and sleepy death could be today but i've made promises to people for the week ahead and i don't want to mess them around

godspeed

also as will have been known, people can always become de-married

i'm not even going there, i'm not about that any more, and to be honest it's only throwing an extra shade of blue into the long standing indigo, imago

anyway really sometimes it's just drinky friends isn't it and that's just okay

aye

anyway, as Catherine Wheel put it, Indigo Is Blue :) maybe have a nice invigorating 90s indie sesh

i am hammering the B-52s and Beaujolais tbh

at least the odds of me running into Cindy Wilson in the Haworth are slim

noodle will join you at the virtua bar but I have to wait for the world to turn about a quarter of its rotation, it’s still morning here

no worries bud when you're ready

tho there's an increasing probability i'll head out for the non-virtua bar when this wine runs out

Already at a real bar tbf. Not in Haworth, mind. They're playing Nerd and Timberlake but there's so many people at the bar already it's barely audible. At the very least, you're not alone. Godspeed NV <3

the Haworth is actually my fave pub in Hull, and just to make it weird they pronounce it Hay-worth

bonne chance LBI

Ah ffs, some grey matter slowly starting to bubble, indicating you've told me that once already.

Hay-worth like Rita? The place sounds more like How-arth iirc. No lovely Rita's there.

yeah the pronunciation difference is as you describe

i don't think i've ever met a Rita irl

PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUB

Same!

And same.

pretty sure I'm quite battered and at work tbh also I would v much like to drop dead thank you come again