AGING PARENTS

One part I'm unclear on is just what the commissioner was getting out of the scheme. I don't think he directly benefitted from funnelling people into guardianship. My guess is that the same private guardians were a constant presence in his courtroom, whereas there was a continuous stream of wards and family members whom he never had to see again and who were much less practiced in talking in front of a judge. So he sympathized with the guardians. That and contempt for elderly people.

Sorry to detract from the article under discussion. But it’s time for one of my characteristic oversharings.

My wife’s dad had a massive heart attack over a week ago (last Monday night) and has been in ICU at Beth Israel Deaconess in Boston since then. So have we - my wife and I and her sister and her sisters longtime bf - except for going to my cousin’s house to pass out at night.

Apparently this was an extraordinarily severe cardiac arrest - the director of cardiac here said it’s the worst one he’s seen in twenty years. Father in law is 80 and as long as I have known him he has literally worked out at the gym every single day. If he wasn’t so fit he would not even have survived this heart attack.

He’s basically been on life support (for three systems: impella pump for heart, continuous dialysis for kidneys, ventilator for breathing) for nine days, except for part of Wednesday when they thought he could start breathing on his own, which he did for awhile but then he started struggling to breathe and the tube had to go back in. Except for that window last Wednesday he had been sedated to the extent that he has the aspect of someone asleep, except that occasionally his eyelids part briefly. He hears what we say a lot of the time. When my wife or her sis talk to him, his blood pressure improves: you can watch it on the screen. He sometimes answers yes or no questions via hand squeezes.

Incredible thing is, Monday and Tuesday there were some signs of his heart improving, starting to heal itself. The odds were very much against this. They’ve said a large portion of his left ventricle was ‘destroyed’.

He could be in this ICU for months inching his way back to autonomy, and months more of a regular ward/rehab type thing. We kind of need to live here for awhile. The NYC friends are being incredible about looking after the dog and birds and my job is playing ball with me so far but I’m scared some of these people will lose patience, especially scared that my cousin will tire of having us in her guest room and of us having to find another free haven in this ridiculously expensive city (we can’t stay at her dad’s house. Its legit not habitable. Long story.)

Her dad was a popular guy around here! Apparently (older) people all around Boston are talking about him being in here fighting for his life.

Monday there was a 17 year old girl in one of the family hangout areas who had just found out her dad had a cerebral hemorrhage and was not gonna make it. She was such a cool kid. Gangly nerd with a nasa t-shirt and a flannel, who wants to be an environmental engineer. It was AWFUL. I held it together until she went back with her mom to her dad’s room and then I cried and cried. This morning I saw that someone different is in that girl’s dad’s room.

Her dad’s status as the sickest guy in the whole hospital, which happens to be one of the world’s best, has clearly energized the cardiac team... I think for underdog-rooting reasons and professional challenge reasons they are incredibly determined to save him.

This morning when we were here for rounds there were two things. One: director of cardiac now says his heart is ‘livable’. Yes part of it is destroyed, but there’s enough there to power him. Two: the infection they started detecting yesterday is worse now, per his white blood cell levels, and is now an emergency.

Wife and her sister fight really badly. When their mom was dying of cancer three years ago, the fighting was almost as traumatic as the situation itself. They have kept it decent these nine days but today they went at it hard. Now there’s talk of shifts so they don’t have to ever see each other. It’s partly because of that relationship that I can’t go back to nyc and leave her here on her own. Her sister drives and she doesn’t. When it’s just the two of them that leads to SIL having the ‘power’ and then really bad shit goes down.

Primarily, jeez this guy who has clawed his way back from a world-record cardiac arrest surely can’t die from an infection? NB he and I aren’t friends. He thinks I’m a schlub who doesn’t make enough money for his daughter and I think he’s a fucking asshole who ruined people’s lives. But I want him to LIVE please.

man that's rough, sending you good vibes.

infections are a huge risk with heart surgeries (my wife is an RN cardiac specialist). she was just telling me how some patient has like 15 teeth pulled, that happens a lot when people with bad teeth get surgeries cuz of infection risks. so yeah, it is probably the #1 post-op concern.

Yeah he didn’t actually have any surgery other than immediate insertion of a stent. His heart was too fucked up for surgery. They think the infection probably originated with the extended time he has been intubated.

Wishing you all the best man, that's a terrible situation. Your description of the sisters fighting... Awful esp in that situation. I've been in a similar situation twice before, going to the hospital every day for months. The odd things you cling to (staff that are good people, others in the waiting room)...

Again, all the very best.

If only this were happening in the city where we live there’d be so many additional stress factors removed (Duh)

Gosh, horrible news. Best indeed to you for sure.

JnJ, it sounds to me like you will be absolutely critical support for your wife as she deals with this and the enormous stress it will put on her family. I hope that your father-in-law's condition soon settles into moving in one clear direction, so everyone involved can begin to prepare for one relatively predictable outcome. Nothing could be more stressful than a series of crises, complications, reverses, with hopes raised and dashed. Modern medicine has a way of prolonging this shit indefinitely, in a way that is not always helpful to the patient or the family. Good luck.

good luck jon -- don't forget about your needs in the process
they are no less important than those of well-liked trooper cardiac patients or their families
like if you need to go back to work in order to support yourselves longterm, that's as valuable as being sibling intermediary/chauffeur
imo
y'all are in my thoughts!

RIP.

this was an unexpected turn of events. He was improving so much he was about to 'graduate' off the external heart impeller today. But then this afternoon he suddenly went into "v-fib", but they shocked him and he was fine again. And then about an hour and a half ago he coded again for the same reason. And then again about an hour ago and they couldn't revive him.

This is going to utterly destroy my wife and her sister. Things REALLY looked good before this afternoon.

so sorry to hear this jon, sending love

Indeed -- best for you all on the road ahead.

oh man, sorry. good luck with everything <3

sorry to hear this, also sort of glad it wasn't protracted or agonizing. good luck -- "best for you all on the road ahead" otm -- esp since it applies to the living.

I'm really hoping that his circle of friends around here will help us with the funeral planning - he has no actual family here and it's just way too fucking much. Also the legal situation is a mystery and a mess. Unpaid bills, things put up as collateral against legal costs, probably no will etc etc etc

Good lord, that all sounds like nightmare fuel waiting to happen.

It sounds like the estate will probably have to bear the cost of some legal assistance to help you sort it all out. if other potential heirs (family members) object to this expense (it isn't cheap), ask them who it is they think will be doing all that work. the best you can do right now it take each day's problems as they arise and try to stay balanced and grounded. good luck.

One of his inner circle is a prominent Boston lawyer so I think that'll help. But yeah it's gonna be hard

Very sad, Jon. I'm sorry.

so my dad killed himself thursday afternoon

so sorry to hear that mookie <3

Ugh. So sorry. How old was he? Had he been depressed? Maybe this stuff is already upthread.

oh no mookie

sorry for your loss

Good lord. Deepest condolences, sir.

he had a (easy for me to say, but relatively mild) stroke in september. then pneumonia four weeks ago, which involved a week with a breathing tube down his throat. he'd just gotten out of the rehab hospital on wednesday. the pneumonia had pretty much wiped out whatever gains he'd made since the stroke.

i mean, i understand. he was 81; it's not like he had a bright future ahead even if he regained the ability to drive/ride his bike/whatever.

but he shot himself in the fucking eye in my mom's basement while she was upstairs. so she found him gushing blood all over the floor, had to call 911, had to tell the EMTs to let him die, had to deal with the cops' initial suspicion that she'd shot him, and held on to the idea for a full day that it might somehow have been an accident.

i can't sleep because i keep thinking about her voice when she called me.

i mean he was a great guy and i love(d) him and i know it's textbook to get pissed off but that's just so fucking wrong

tbf he always hated holidays; i guess he got his revenge on thanksgiving

Sorry, man. <3 to you and your mom

i’m so sorry mookie, that is awful. <3

Oh mookie, I’m sorry.

thx guys. guess i got through denial pretty quickly

<3

jeez mook, so sorry to hear this. <3 back to you. good luck to you and your mom.

love to you, mookie. I'm so sorry to read this.

Really sorry to hear this, mookie

Sorry to hear about all of this. Death is not easy in any form.

jesus, sorry bud. i'll be thinking of you and your mom.

I'm very sorry Mookie, that is dreadful. Thinking of you and your mom.

I am so sorry, Mookie, thinking of you and your family.

really sorry to hear that - i hope that you and your family can manage to cope.

Damn, sorry Mookie.

Sorry mooks

i emailed you but am bumping this thread again just to say how sorry i am that you and your mom are going through this. i woke up thinking about your mom.

I don’t even know what to say. I’m so sorry, mookie, and have been thinking about you and your mom <3

so sorry mookie<3

Wow so sorry to hear about this.

<3 you, mookie

Mookie I can't believe you had the wherewithal to post an anti-Blackhawks link for me since this happened. Take care of yourself and your family; my deepest sympathies.

Sorry to hear this, Mookie

I'm also lost for words. All my love though <3

So sorry to hear, mookie.

I'm really sorry you and your mom are going through this, mookie.