AGING PARENTS

My dad passed last Monday 9/4. He had had a bad heart for nearly 20 years, really lived years beyond what he should. After going through this, I kinda think he was on point in not having a big funeral or anything.

earlnash <3

sorry for your loss, earl

they want him to stay awake because his blood pressure falls when he falls asleep (kinda seems like this could be adjusted for, but i guess not). so he's lying there sort of half dozing and periodically raising his right arm just to show that he can still do it.

it's a lot more willpower than i have, i'm certain

i'm sorry about your dad, earlnash.

Sorry for your loss, Earlnash.

Sending good thoughts, Mookie.

Feeling for you Mookie. These periods, of fear and helplessness, can be so hard. Wishing you strength and patience.

hope you are all managing as well as possible, mookie. condolences earlnash.

John, I'm so sorry to hear this. I hope he's doing a little better and that you and your mom are doing OK.

also my belated condolences to enbb. i've always thought you were a very good daughter to both of your parents. i hope you find peace after your enormous loss <3

― estela, Sunday, September 10, 2017 9:38 PM (one week ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Oh Estela, thank you. This just made me tear up at my desk.

It's been nearly four months now and it is still so strange/hard. My dad landed in Germany this morning to visit my aunt and uncle for two months which I think will be good for him - getting out of the house they shared where he's been alone and being in a new environment and around family and all. Tyring to think of something he and I can do for Christmas together that doesn't involve being at their house without her.

Good lord this is a hard, harrowing read.

https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/10/09/how-the-elderly-lose-their-rights

i'm not sure i can deal with reading that.

I mean, to be blunt, I really did move to the Bay Area in part because I wanted to make sure I'm much nearer my folks in case of emergencies. Reading that makes me very glad their plan is strictly based on staying at their home with long term health coverage as needed, and California isn't Nevada. I still got jumpy.

I'll have to, later.

My mom told me the other day that she's kind of anxious waiting for the corn harvest season. My grandfather, before he moved to an assisted living facility (and started incurring all kinds of medical bills) was living off of money from tenant farming. He's too old to do work, so someone farms land he owns and he gets a share of the (hopeful) profits. As it is, she's mortgaged about 2/3 of the land to pay for his bills, and if the income doesn't cut it, will have to mortgage the last third. I don't know that selling the land would let them get that much more money.

So the money management part is relatable, but oh boy, the idea of her profiting off of being custodian of his finances sure isn't/

Oh my God. I read the whole thing and I want to throw up. Those people are pure evil.

As a court-appointed guardian for my daughter, that article was appalling. The worst thing about that NYer article is that the court itself was so spectacularly irresponsible. It did not make any attempt at an independent assessment of the couple and relied on extremely flimsy evidence to declare their incompetence, without even notifying the couple of the proceedings against them. That defines a legal process which begs to be abused.

I was just now searching to see what the status of Parks and her immediate accomplices are -- I can't determine if the trial itself is ongoing.

And yeah that judge...it's a different kind of evil but I'm content to put him right up there with that Pennsylvania jurist who got his for the scheme sending kids to prison. So this guy being shunted over TO kids' court is not so good.

ok, I assumed this was about children taking advantage of guardianship, but the person this is about is completely horrible and I'm furious

that's horrific, and heartbreaking

I have thread-appropriate tidings but I’ll wait til that article has been fully bruited

Amazing story

Some of the courtroom scenes described in the article are on Youtube:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ee8XnR56gow

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZixHgeOzko4

no way am i reading about this

One part I'm unclear on is just what the commissioner was getting out of the scheme. I don't think he directly benefitted from funnelling people into guardianship. My guess is that the same private guardians were a constant presence in his courtroom, whereas there was a continuous stream of wards and family members whom he never had to see again and who were much less practiced in talking in front of a judge. So he sympathized with the guardians. That and contempt for elderly people.

Sorry to detract from the article under discussion. But it’s time for one of my characteristic oversharings.

My wife’s dad had a massive heart attack over a week ago (last Monday night) and has been in ICU at Beth Israel Deaconess in Boston since then. So have we - my wife and I and her sister and her sisters longtime bf - except for going to my cousin’s house to pass out at night.

Apparently this was an extraordinarily severe cardiac arrest - the director of cardiac here said it’s the worst one he’s seen in twenty years. Father in law is 80 and as long as I have known him he has literally worked out at the gym every single day. If he wasn’t so fit he would not even have survived this heart attack.

He’s basically been on life support (for three systems: impella pump for heart, continuous dialysis for kidneys, ventilator for breathing) for nine days, except for part of Wednesday when they thought he could start breathing on his own, which he did for awhile but then he started struggling to breathe and the tube had to go back in. Except for that window last Wednesday he had been sedated to the extent that he has the aspect of someone asleep, except that occasionally his eyelids part briefly. He hears what we say a lot of the time. When my wife or her sis talk to him, his blood pressure improves: you can watch it on the screen. He sometimes answers yes or no questions via hand squeezes.

Incredible thing is, Monday and Tuesday there were some signs of his heart improving, starting to heal itself. The odds were very much against this. They’ve said a large portion of his left ventricle was ‘destroyed’.

He could be in this ICU for months inching his way back to autonomy, and months more of a regular ward/rehab type thing. We kind of need to live here for awhile. The NYC friends are being incredible about looking after the dog and birds and my job is playing ball with me so far but I’m scared some of these people will lose patience, especially scared that my cousin will tire of having us in her guest room and of us having to find another free haven in this ridiculously expensive city (we can’t stay at her dad’s house. Its legit not habitable. Long story.)

Her dad was a popular guy around here! Apparently (older) people all around Boston are talking about him being in here fighting for his life.

Monday there was a 17 year old girl in one of the family hangout areas who had just found out her dad had a cerebral hemorrhage and was not gonna make it. She was such a cool kid. Gangly nerd with a nasa t-shirt and a flannel, who wants to be an environmental engineer. It was AWFUL. I held it together until she went back with her mom to her dad’s room and then I cried and cried. This morning I saw that someone different is in that girl’s dad’s room.

Her dad’s status as the sickest guy in the whole hospital, which happens to be one of the world’s best, has clearly energized the cardiac team... I think for underdog-rooting reasons and professional challenge reasons they are incredibly determined to save him.

This morning when we were here for rounds there were two things. One: director of cardiac now says his heart is ‘livable’. Yes part of it is destroyed, but there’s enough there to power him. Two: the infection they started detecting yesterday is worse now, per his white blood cell levels, and is now an emergency.

Wife and her sister fight really badly. When their mom was dying of cancer three years ago, the fighting was almost as traumatic as the situation itself. They have kept it decent these nine days but today they went at it hard. Now there’s talk of shifts so they don’t have to ever see each other. It’s partly because of that relationship that I can’t go back to nyc and leave her here on her own. Her sister drives and she doesn’t. When it’s just the two of them that leads to SIL having the ‘power’ and then really bad shit goes down.

Primarily, jeez this guy who has clawed his way back from a world-record cardiac arrest surely can’t die from an infection? NB he and I aren’t friends. He thinks I’m a schlub who doesn’t make enough money for his daughter and I think he’s a fucking asshole who ruined people’s lives. But I want him to LIVE please.

man that's rough, sending you good vibes.

infections are a huge risk with heart surgeries (my wife is an RN cardiac specialist). she was just telling me how some patient has like 15 teeth pulled, that happens a lot when people with bad teeth get surgeries cuz of infection risks. so yeah, it is probably the #1 post-op concern.

Yeah he didn’t actually have any surgery other than immediate insertion of a stent. His heart was too fucked up for surgery. They think the infection probably originated with the extended time he has been intubated.

Wishing you all the best man, that's a terrible situation. Your description of the sisters fighting... Awful esp in that situation. I've been in a similar situation twice before, going to the hospital every day for months. The odd things you cling to (staff that are good people, others in the waiting room)...

Again, all the very best.

If only this were happening in the city where we live there’d be so many additional stress factors removed (Duh)

Gosh, horrible news. Best indeed to you for sure.

JnJ, it sounds to me like you will be absolutely critical support for your wife as she deals with this and the enormous stress it will put on her family. I hope that your father-in-law's condition soon settles into moving in one clear direction, so everyone involved can begin to prepare for one relatively predictable outcome. Nothing could be more stressful than a series of crises, complications, reverses, with hopes raised and dashed. Modern medicine has a way of prolonging this shit indefinitely, in a way that is not always helpful to the patient or the family. Good luck.

good luck jon -- don't forget about your needs in the process
they are no less important than those of well-liked trooper cardiac patients or their families
like if you need to go back to work in order to support yourselves longterm, that's as valuable as being sibling intermediary/chauffeur
imo
y'all are in my thoughts!

RIP.

this was an unexpected turn of events. He was improving so much he was about to 'graduate' off the external heart impeller today. But then this afternoon he suddenly went into "v-fib", but they shocked him and he was fine again. And then about an hour and a half ago he coded again for the same reason. And then again about an hour ago and they couldn't revive him.

This is going to utterly destroy my wife and her sister. Things REALLY looked good before this afternoon.

so sorry to hear this jon, sending love

Indeed -- best for you all on the road ahead.

oh man, sorry. good luck with everything <3

sorry to hear this, also sort of glad it wasn't protracted or agonizing. good luck -- "best for you all on the road ahead" otm -- esp since it applies to the living.

I'm really hoping that his circle of friends around here will help us with the funeral planning - he has no actual family here and it's just way too fucking much. Also the legal situation is a mystery and a mess. Unpaid bills, things put up as collateral against legal costs, probably no will etc etc etc

Good lord, that all sounds like nightmare fuel waiting to happen.

It sounds like the estate will probably have to bear the cost of some legal assistance to help you sort it all out. if other potential heirs (family members) object to this expense (it isn't cheap), ask them who it is they think will be doing all that work. the best you can do right now it take each day's problems as they arise and try to stay balanced and grounded. good luck.

One of his inner circle is a prominent Boston lawyer so I think that'll help. But yeah it's gonna be hard

Very sad, Jon. I'm sorry.

so my dad killed himself thursday afternoon

so sorry to hear that mookie <3

Ugh. So sorry. How old was he? Had he been depressed? Maybe this stuff is already upthread.

oh no mookie

sorry for your loss

Good lord. Deepest condolences, sir.

he had a (easy for me to say, but relatively mild) stroke in september. then pneumonia four weeks ago, which involved a week with a breathing tube down his throat. he'd just gotten out of the rehab hospital on wednesday. the pneumonia had pretty much wiped out whatever gains he'd made since the stroke.

i mean, i understand. he was 81; it's not like he had a bright future ahead even if he regained the ability to drive/ride his bike/whatever.

but he shot himself in the fucking eye in my mom's basement while she was upstairs. so she found him gushing blood all over the floor, had to call 911, had to tell the EMTs to let him die, had to deal with the cops' initial suspicion that she'd shot him, and held on to the idea for a full day that it might somehow have been an accident.

i can't sleep because i keep thinking about her voice when she called me.

i mean he was a great guy and i love(d) him and i know it's textbook to get pissed off but that's just so fucking wrong

tbf he always hated holidays; i guess he got his revenge on thanksgiving

Sorry, man. <3 to you and your mom