God bless the goddamn Onion

you've all seen this right

http://www.theonion.com/trumpdocuments

bannon and carson pages have just about ended me. daily briefings too

Ugh, AVClub assimilation into Kinja is a mess.

otm rip an era

Feel like I could probably autogenerate an AV Club comment section for an article by now, tbh.

Day three and it's still a travesty.

http://i.imgur.com/M5qDkQRl.png

lol i was reading an article on a new movie and realized the main text was taking up less than 1/4th the available screen space

that's some good-ass kinja

http://www.theonion.com/blogpost/shooting-isnt-about-gun-control-we-refuse-pass-its-57095

http://www.theonion.com/article/white-house-not-geologic-era-debate-gun-control-57108

WHY MIGRATE THE ARCHIVES TO KINJA WHY WHY WHY

I was reading a thing about how PG Wodehouse is funnier in some fonts than others, and that would seem to hold for CMSs too

this struck a real nerve, look at these numbers:

Popular New Amazon Service Just Comes To Your House And Kills You https://t.co/PkJ10jGkMM pic.twitter.com/QRZNd4I4f4

— The Onion (@TheOnion) October 27, 2017

Senator Anita Hawkins is good but Reductress is the best of the satire sites:

http://reductress.com/post/here-are-some-pictures-of-big-dogs-meeting-little-dogs-since-you-cant-afford-therapy/
http://reductress.com/post/how-to-microdose-so-youre-always-a-little-bit-fucking-weird-to-people/
http://reductress.com/post/white-women-thank-themselves-for-thanking-black-women-today/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MqR9IOrVFPU

The Onion Reviews "Film Standard with Peter K. Rosenthal" youtube series is killing me rn. he has the gravitas to pull it all off without seeming too goofy. it is a nice balance of pretentious and silly. imo this stuff is up there w Sean O'Neal news posts.

his Batman V Superman review has him directly comparing Batman and Superman fighting to his parents' divorce and him wishing they would stay together and going through this silly/serious self analysis that closely mimics the childish Freudian subtext of the film. in another one he reviews Rogue One and most of that review is him talking about a horrible Star Wars puzzle that he is completely baffled by.

omg his Captain America: Civil War review is him wanting all the secondary characters and extras in the film to have origin story films and tv series and zooming in on random people in the background and asking about them lol

lol wow yeah that one is amazing consumerist satire. he spends the entire review saying "How can we make sense of any of this? There are only 12 origin story films! The viewer needs more context. Who is this SWAT soldier that Captain America drop-kicks off the roof of a car? Where is his origin story?"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fm5OimXqoXw

love the Die Hard review, where he mourns the office Christmas party that was meticulously planned and never happened

http://thehardtimes.net/news/breaking-lana-del-rey-ordered-pay-want-radiohead-lawsuit/

https://politics.theonion.com/fbi-warns-republican-memo-could-undermine-faith-in-mass-1822639681

The Peter K. Rosenthal review of Fifty Shades Freed has some things to say about the relationship between reviewer and audience

https://youtu.be/N8OMMMsONf4

that's one of the better late Lynch riffs I've seen

Lucky Bastard Gets To Be In Coma

Ugh reminds me uncomfortably of the uncomfortably fond lack of memory I have about being under general anesthesia.

general anastasia

It's Official: Onion Inc.’s Groveling, Ungrateful Staffers Unionize pic.twitter.com/XVYFYbcU19

— Onion Inc Union (@OnionIncUnion) April 20, 2018

God bless the goddamn Union

there is strength in an onion

It doesn't get any better than the title (so the URL's enough), but it's a great title.

http://www.theonion.com/supreme-court-agrees-to-hear-new-jack-white-album-1825391171

They've been doing some absolutely brutal stuff lately

https://www.theonion.com/idf-soldier-recounts-harrowing-heroic-war-story-of-kil-1826048745

https://politics.theonion.com/trump-fascinated-by-israeli-cultural-tradition-of-mass-1826014445

Sources confirmed Netanyahu concluded the solemn ceremony with a 21-gun salute fired directly into a group of Palestinian protesters.

https://www.theonion.com/netanyahu-announces-day-of-mourning-for-fence-damaged-i-1826046925

https://www.theonion.com/coffee-cultivation-merely-extends-the-system-of-coloni-1826427318

https://www.theonion.com/try-this-filling-superfood-smoothie-to-power-you-throug-1826259036

https://www.theonion.com/immigrant-child-still-hoping-to-achieve-american-dream-1826839711?rev=1529004587757&utm_campaign=SF&utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=SocialMarketing&utm_content=Main

"Everyone in pride parade straight"
https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--N7licUa4--/c_scale,f_auto,fl_progressive,q_80,w_800/ksbxzmd1di9mftehkcuy.jpg

still exhausting: the cycle of a media site getting acquired/starts a hiring spree, inevitably meaning a two-year countdown until people lose their jobs

https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-onion-clickhole-av-club-brace-for-layoffs

Peter Strzok Summoned Before Congress Again For Texts Calling Trey Gowdy ‘A Pissy Little Shithead’

There are dozens more messages just like this, calling our distinguished colleague a ‘pointless fuckwad’ and a ‘moronic scumbag’ that I would like submitted for the record.”

Have we talked about how Morrissey and Onion film critic Peter Rosenthal are slowly becoming the same person?

The Rosenthal videos are fantastic

yes thy are so classic.

this is great too:

The Onion's Future News From The Year 2137

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iKC21wDarBo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gFABajBNDJg

so good

https://local.theonion.com/local-dipshit-planning-on-fighting-trump-administration-1819580140

lol I have actually seen quite a bit of this on local press

earnest btu futile

Morbs knows all about the pleasures of futility

as useless as tweeting against his giant wall of angry anti-tweets he will obviously never read

I still fall back on this one. There are at least a couple people I know who sound just like this. https://resistancehole.clickhole.com/excuse-me-mr-trump-sir-but-respectfully-dr-trump-1825886973

People who talk like that probably un-ironically read "X absolutely DESTROYS Trump in scathing twitter takedown" style clickbait

they follow "Occupy Democrats" or w/e on facebook and unironically repost the images