Blue Saturday

going to mom's for a week and selfishly i'm gently anxious. Don't wanna be confronted with company right now. Thought about this last night - I don't think i'm depressed, but purposeless, blank. I don't know what to do with myself at all. Just lay around, read, flail at grasping what's missing. Don't know what I want. I want to be alone, or failing that I want to sit in pubs all day. But I don't crave booze, just that space. Any free space

flail at grasping what's missing.

christ this. it doesn't help that i feel my wits are essentially numb these days, but also extracting meaning has become glassy wall with no foot or handholds.

Modest proposal: arm train conductors so the notion of a quiet carriage can be appropriately enforced

is there enough booze in the world? gonna go n

cricket on TV, pub open, me with a dearth of ideas, I dunno, this country's not set up for sober adult entertainment

If it really was The Golden Age of TV, staying in might have had more appeal.

Mayo Roscommon throw in right now.

there's enough to do at home alone, could've stayed on the PlayStation all day, but that's not gonna cure this dumb restlessness that my booze addiction uses an excuse to get me out.

although you'd think i'd been to the pub enough to know that there are no potential soulmates hanging out in here

Mayo Roscommon is over already tbf

Was gonna question the timing but you've a bank holiday today y?

V much so

This would cheer u.

Plucky Roscommon having won the provincial championship have to go back and play a few extra rounds regardless to ensure that the same big teams get to the semis and getting crucified here.

Mayo, having shat it earlier in the year that usual are now crushing the above just in time for our lfc style hype to be fed into the Kerry schadenfreude machine

It's all v much metaphorically useless noise and colour

They used to pull that shit a lot with Rugby League, it's good when they don't bother hiding the bias

thanks to a rare viewing of Cash Trapped i found out about Brigadier Sir Nils Olav which has been the icing on a decent week

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nils_Olav

http://blogs.ft.com/photo-diary/files/2016/08/Penguin_PA.jpg

omg

haha wow

even the military are cuddly now and then ;)

a+ brigadier, would follow into battle

love it

The honour was approved by King Harald V and Nils was the first penguin to receive such an honour in the Norwegian Army.[11]

You don't say.

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/1/14/Nils_Olav_inspects_the_Kings_Guard_of_Norway_after_being_bestowed_with_a_knighthood_at_Edinburgh_Zoo_in_Scotland.jpg/330px-Nils_Olav_inspects_the_Kings_Guard_of_Norway_after_being_bestowed_with_a_knighthood_at_Edinburgh_Zoo_in_Scotland.jpg

Sir Nils inspects troops of the King's Guard, of which he is Colonel-in-Chief, following his knighthood ceremony in 2008

xp

I notice it only says in the Norwegian army

the playlist in yr first comment is still probably my favorite "shuffle" playlist I've ever seen, btw

thanks :)

it's slightly weird realising that was only 6 years ago

when I'm still sober at this time of night I get so fucking sad I can't stand it.

didn't want to lay that on anybody irl. carry on.

How I wish I was still sober at this time. Grass is always greener etc.

But but transfer deadline

True true. Highly unwelcome distraction of... things.

woooo my yellow bile is off the chart today, somebody get me a phlebotomist

I'm so glad, and I am glad
I am glad, I am glad
I don't know what to do
don't know what to do, I don't know what to do

epiphanic vision of the world on George Street, melted to softness in the rain, breathing, warm. I wanted to sink into it, wrap myself in it; we were together and infinitely, gently sad.

now it's too warm in my office and there's inches of fogged glass between me and the world, there's just people and office systems and my fuzzy head. I can't help, today. people are the enemy.

why would suicide make the survivors feel bad? I ask myself, purely hypothetically

if you honestly answered your hypothetical question I think you'd find there are many reasons, some of which will be about how people feel about themselves, most of which will be about how people feel about you

I guess I was thinking "compared to a heart attack or cancer" but I know, I know.

indigo Monday.

when the void fills my head and excludes all thought and the weight of it drags on my whole body - how do I locate a cause for that, something to work on? how do I explain what that is to anybody else?

nausea in extreme slow motion

i'm not in right now
i'm not, in right now
i'm not in, right now
i'm not in right, now
now i'm not in right
now i'm not in, right
right now i'm in not
now i'm right, not in
now in: i'm not right

I think I photoed a world of ignorance.

Pictures to follow

doesn't seem too difficult but i look forward to seeing them

awwwww shit

i only feel comfortable in certain kinds of company, which makes days like this, when i wake up from a nightmare about loneliness that's coloured the whole day, but i can't go to the pub, difficult to deal with.

it's the type of weather that is the reward for suffering through the summer heat
the type of weather best enjoyed with company
is a lack of suffering, a release from suffering an actual reward
or is it a cruel trigger of malaise, of emotional and existential pain
now that the visceral suffering has ended

With a wide range of unique cocktails created especially for Riddlers being served in a jam jar to an old tin teapot, this really is something different to the Hull scene that's not been done before.

*cough*

I decided yesterday that I couldn't morally commit suicide because suicide always entails an act of violence - at least aggression - against others. but that's just me, other opinions are available. little comedy voice in the back of my head saying "I should kill myself" every couple of hours won't go away tho. I'm not planning tho so it's good. it's just a weird voice, like it's not mine somehow. or to be more accurate like some dumb bit of shtick that I can't turn off.

really want to be left alone by humanity atm tho. can't settle my head on anything: reading, video games, hardly even watching TV. don't know what I wanna do with myself. struggling thru work, tho it distracts me from stuckness occasionally. keep realising my jaw is really clenched, don't know how to unclench it, like it's set. other little voice in my head squeaks "don't look at me" if I make eye contact with strangers in the street. keep breathing too quick and shallow, keep jittering or walking like my legs weigh a hundred tons.

writing this out by way of self-inventory. the shouting and shenanigans of (young) people is nails on a blackboard. everything is soooo heavy.

can you get the voice to append 'waka waka' to that each time, that might help

it's crazy but it just might work

also the motto on my coat of arms

maybe instead you can ask the voice to say 'take my life... please' in the manner of a midcentury catskills comedian

or a suicidal fozzy bear