AGING PARENTS

My condolences, E.

Love and thoughts E

I rememeber reading about your family predicament over the years ENBB - so similar to my own. My deepest condolences. I hope you can find, in time, some serene closure .

May she rest well , my condolences.

Just realized I never said thank you for all the nice messages. Thank you. <3

how are you holding up, E?

Hey! I kept meaning to respond. I am . . . OK. Ish. Last week and this weekend were really really hard. The weirdest part though was that I was just sad and unmotivated and teary in a way I've never been. It wasn't this specific missing of my mom or thinking about her death just this overwhelming heaviness and it hits at the weirdest times and it can be so intense. At first I was confused because I've never felt this way before and didn't know how to process it but then I realized that it is grief and that this is normal. That doesn't make it any less hard or shitty but it helps to remind myself of that that and of the fact that I won't feel this way forever.

<3 <3
over time it sorta, calcifies? like it becomes a part of you without weighing you down. everyone's different though. it takes a lot of time
bendon hugs help i'm sure :)

I realized that it is grief and that this is normal.

Yes. A thousand times yes.

The thing that strikes me the most these days is how it almost doesn't even seem real that any of this happened. I know she's gone but the whole way it all happened made the actual event pretty traumatic and the days after that were such a whirlwind. I feel like I've been a weird daze all summer but lately I've been having these moments where I think "Holy shit, my mom died" but it still feels unreal somehow. I haven't been back to see my dad since I was there in June so maybe that's why - I don't actually notice her absence every day. I feel like I haven't been doing anything except going through the motions of being a person and it's been making me feel bad like I'm not strong enough or something. I know it's only been a few months. Everything has just been so hard for such a long time. I'm tired of it. Also, I don't feel well today so I'm feeling sorry for myself.

it's been making me feel bad like I'm not strong enough or something.

Older cultures than ours understood well how the death of loved ones affected the survivors and they evolved traditions that allowed families to cope with the aftermath. They often prescribed a set of activities that lasted a full year. You're only months into this and more or less afloat and on your own to deal with it. You just experienced one of life's most powerful and disturbing events. It is no wonder your mind still feels disturbed. Just be kind to yourself. Renew that kindness constantly. It's necessary. I wish you sufficient moments of peace to find how to piece this enormous event into your life and make it normal.

In my own case, my 92 year old mother is now in hospice care. I'm back to weekly visits again. Rather than having one terminal problem, all her systems are simply slowing drastically and rather gently fading out. She's not in much pain, but her slow cessation is evident from week to week. She now spends about 22 hours a day in bed. She is losing interest in anything but the intermittent visits from her children. Even then, she only wants to look at me, hold my hand and listen to me talk, although she is mostly blind and deaf now.

I suspect she'll drift along like this, emptying out bit by bit, for five or six more weeks. But this seems like one of the gentler ways to bow out, so I am glad of that.

Thank you, Aimless. Your words are very helpful. I'm sorry to hear about your mom. It's so hard though that does sound gentle which is definitely good.

visiting my parents at the jersey shore and my dad had a stroke this morning

i think it could have been much worse? we were there, the ambulance was super fast. but it's still bad

also i apologize to paul ryan for not using the power of the free market to unlock cheaper and better health care options. we were in a rush

oh no. I'm sorry. I was just listening to a radio show emphasizing that time is of the essence - thank goodness family was around. The wait to figure out what 'bad' is going to actually mean is so hard.

i'm sorry to hear about your dad! at least you are there for your mom.

aww mooks <3 and hugs

<3 mookie

Terrible. Sending best for you all.

<3 mookie, so sorry this has happened, best wishes to you all

also my belated condolences to enbb. i've always thought you were a very good daughter to both of your parents. i hope you find peace after your enormous loss <3

Sorry about your dad! I'll be thinking of you and your family.

<3 thanks dudes

mooks <3

aging parents is hard. my dad's 69, my mom's 64. Few weeks back I told her she looked just as young as ever, made her day. It's sad when people get old and they start thinking they look "bad" in family pictures, like my Mom recently did. breaks my heart

My dad passed last Monday 9/4. He had had a bad heart for nearly 20 years, really lived years beyond what he should. After going through this, I kinda think he was on point in not having a big funeral or anything.

earlnash <3

sorry for your loss, earl

they want him to stay awake because his blood pressure falls when he falls asleep (kinda seems like this could be adjusted for, but i guess not). so he's lying there sort of half dozing and periodically raising his right arm just to show that he can still do it.

it's a lot more willpower than i have, i'm certain

i'm sorry about your dad, earlnash.

Sorry for your loss, Earlnash.

Sending good thoughts, Mookie.

Feeling for you Mookie. These periods, of fear and helplessness, can be so hard. Wishing you strength and patience.

hope you are all managing as well as possible, mookie. condolences earlnash.

John, I'm so sorry to hear this. I hope he's doing a little better and that you and your mom are doing OK.

also my belated condolences to enbb. i've always thought you were a very good daughter to both of your parents. i hope you find peace after your enormous loss <3

― estela, Sunday, September 10, 2017 9:38 PM (one week ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Oh Estela, thank you. This just made me tear up at my desk.

It's been nearly four months now and it is still so strange/hard. My dad landed in Germany this morning to visit my aunt and uncle for two months which I think will be good for him - getting out of the house they shared where he's been alone and being in a new environment and around family and all. Tyring to think of something he and I can do for Christmas together that doesn't involve being at their house without her.

Good lord this is a hard, harrowing read.

https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/10/09/how-the-elderly-lose-their-rights

i'm not sure i can deal with reading that.

I mean, to be blunt, I really did move to the Bay Area in part because I wanted to make sure I'm much nearer my folks in case of emergencies. Reading that makes me very glad their plan is strictly based on staying at their home with long term health coverage as needed, and California isn't Nevada. I still got jumpy.

I'll have to, later.

My mom told me the other day that she's kind of anxious waiting for the corn harvest season. My grandfather, before he moved to an assisted living facility (and started incurring all kinds of medical bills) was living off of money from tenant farming. He's too old to do work, so someone farms land he owns and he gets a share of the (hopeful) profits. As it is, she's mortgaged about 2/3 of the land to pay for his bills, and if the income doesn't cut it, will have to mortgage the last third. I don't know that selling the land would let them get that much more money.

So the money management part is relatable, but oh boy, the idea of her profiting off of being custodian of his finances sure isn't/

Oh my God. I read the whole thing and I want to throw up. Those people are pure evil.

As a court-appointed guardian for my daughter, that article was appalling. The worst thing about that NYer article is that the court itself was so spectacularly irresponsible. It did not make any attempt at an independent assessment of the couple and relied on extremely flimsy evidence to declare their incompetence, without even notifying the couple of the proceedings against them. That defines a legal process which begs to be abused.

I was just now searching to see what the status of Parks and her immediate accomplices are -- I can't determine if the trial itself is ongoing.

And yeah that judge...it's a different kind of evil but I'm content to put him right up there with that Pennsylvania jurist who got his for the scheme sending kids to prison. So this guy being shunted over TO kids' court is not so good.

ok, I assumed this was about children taking advantage of guardianship, but the person this is about is completely horrible and I'm furious

that's horrific, and heartbreaking

I have thread-appropriate tidings but I’ll wait til that article has been fully bruited

Amazing story

Some of the courtroom scenes described in the article are on Youtube:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ee8XnR56gow

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZixHgeOzko4

no way am i reading about this

One part I'm unclear on is just what the commissioner was getting out of the scheme. I don't think he directly benefitted from funnelling people into guardianship. My guess is that the same private guardians were a constant presence in his courtroom, whereas there was a continuous stream of wards and family members whom he never had to see again and who were much less practiced in talking in front of a judge. So he sympathized with the guardians. That and contempt for elderly people.

Sorry to detract from the article under discussion. But it’s time for one of my characteristic oversharings.

My wife’s dad had a massive heart attack over a week ago (last Monday night) and has been in ICU at Beth Israel Deaconess in Boston since then. So have we - my wife and I and her sister and her sisters longtime bf - except for going to my cousin’s house to pass out at night.

Apparently this was an extraordinarily severe cardiac arrest - the director of cardiac here said it’s the worst one he’s seen in twenty years. Father in law is 80 and as long as I have known him he has literally worked out at the gym every single day. If he wasn’t so fit he would not even have survived this heart attack.

He’s basically been on life support (for three systems: impella pump for heart, continuous dialysis for kidneys, ventilator for breathing) for nine days, except for part of Wednesday when they thought he could start breathing on his own, which he did for awhile but then he started struggling to breathe and the tube had to go back in. Except for that window last Wednesday he had been sedated to the extent that he has the aspect of someone asleep, except that occasionally his eyelids part briefly. He hears what we say a lot of the time. When my wife or her sis talk to him, his blood pressure improves: you can watch it on the screen. He sometimes answers yes or no questions via hand squeezes.

Incredible thing is, Monday and Tuesday there were some signs of his heart improving, starting to heal itself. The odds were very much against this. They’ve said a large portion of his left ventricle was ‘destroyed’.

He could be in this ICU for months inching his way back to autonomy, and months more of a regular ward/rehab type thing. We kind of need to live here for awhile. The NYC friends are being incredible about looking after the dog and birds and my job is playing ball with me so far but I’m scared some of these people will lose patience, especially scared that my cousin will tire of having us in her guest room and of us having to find another free haven in this ridiculously expensive city (we can’t stay at her dad’s house. Its legit not habitable. Long story.)

Her dad was a popular guy around here! Apparently (older) people all around Boston are talking about him being in here fighting for his life.

Monday there was a 17 year old girl in one of the family hangout areas who had just found out her dad had a cerebral hemorrhage and was not gonna make it. She was such a cool kid. Gangly nerd with a nasa t-shirt and a flannel, who wants to be an environmental engineer. It was AWFUL. I held it together until she went back with her mom to her dad’s room and then I cried and cried. This morning I saw that someone different is in that girl’s dad’s room.

Her dad’s status as the sickest guy in the whole hospital, which happens to be one of the world’s best, has clearly energized the cardiac team... I think for underdog-rooting reasons and professional challenge reasons they are incredibly determined to save him.

This morning when we were here for rounds there were two things. One: director of cardiac now says his heart is ‘livable’. Yes part of it is destroyed, but there’s enough there to power him. Two: the infection they started detecting yesterday is worse now, per his white blood cell levels, and is now an emergency.

Wife and her sister fight really badly. When their mom was dying of cancer three years ago, the fighting was almost as traumatic as the situation itself. They have kept it decent these nine days but today they went at it hard. Now there’s talk of shifts so they don’t have to ever see each other. It’s partly because of that relationship that I can’t go back to nyc and leave her here on her own. Her sister drives and she doesn’t. When it’s just the two of them that leads to SIL having the ‘power’ and then really bad shit goes down.

Primarily, jeez this guy who has clawed his way back from a world-record cardiac arrest surely can’t die from an infection? NB he and I aren’t friends. He thinks I’m a schlub who doesn’t make enough money for his daughter and I think he’s a fucking asshole who ruined people’s lives. But I want him to LIVE please.

man that's rough, sending you good vibes.

infections are a huge risk with heart surgeries (my wife is an RN cardiac specialist). she was just telling me how some patient has like 15 teeth pulled, that happens a lot when people with bad teeth get surgeries cuz of infection risks. so yeah, it is probably the #1 post-op concern.