Severe Anxiety

and they just laid off four people in my dept today. two of whom were on the project (there are only four of us total), effective 6/1.

I am actually sad I wasn't let go. 32 weeks of severance sounds glorious compared to this pile of shit.

i'm really sorry man. that is super fucked.

i have so much 'once-utopian job turning to civil war' anxiety right now. may i vomit it up for the thread's edification?

i work in QA; i have manager in my title but I'm really mainly a document writer and point person for inspections taking place in China

QA department is me, the compliance coordinator, and our boss the Director of Quality. My boss and I have a great relationship and I think he is kind of a genius.

Until last June he/we reported to the VP Finance-- last June some reporting structures got overhauled and we (QA) were put under the VP Engineering. My boss' morale and effectiveness have been on a marked decline ever since, directly due to the shitty attitude VP Engineering has toward him. As far as I can tell it's personal. VP Eng just does not like my boss and either decided to, or just went along with his dickish inclination to, make my boss miserable until something gives.

We had end of financial year performance review a few weeks ago. My boss and I had a heart to heart after he had his with VP Eng and I was fucking stunned and what his boss had told him in his review. Total hatchet job, just disgraceful, in my view naked attempt to demean him into quitting. My boss took the tack of being like 'look you have some valid points, here's my plan to right the course, but i need a weekly touchbase with you to make sure we stay aligned' -- this during a week when my boss was literally not sleeping because of anxiety in the wake of his massacre performance review.

In the time since then VP Eng has bailed on all but one of their weekly touchbases, made shitty comment to him during high-level meetings, shut him out of meetings regarding my projects, and otherwise avoided him. My boss confided in me last week that he had set up a phoner interview with his old company (also a market leader but not in NYC) and essentially had made up his mind to leave because he doesn't want to work this way. It's going to be a crippling loss for the company and doubly so for my work. I'm basically going to lose my mind and/or quit after he leaves. My personal/working relationship with VP Eng has always been fine, I've been here for 12 years and he apparently likes me for some reason, but I don't want to be here sweating for this company if it's gonna be a place that fucks the shit out of people for no good reason like this, and there's no way the people above him don't have at least a general roadmap idea of what he's doing to my boss.

Last night was one of our periodic 'alumni' FAPs where we all hang out and drink and hobnob with former coworkers. For the first time at one of those, i was putting out feelers for later exploration. Also during drunken convos with current employees who have been around as long as I have, got the sense that yep VP Eng has my boss on kill list and yep this place is changing/getting weird/maybe not the sweet spot we all loved anymore

it is SO EASY to see how people go completely off the rails over work shit.

I've been coping with my anxiety fairly well, so I can't complain too much, even though I'm still getting used to it

but one thing that sucks is I have absolutely no stomach for work drama or really conflict of any kind. It just hits me in my gut and makes me miserable and hangs over me no matter where I am or what I'm doing. So it kind of changes the way I have to operate. There are times where in the past I might have stood up and fought for myself, but now I'm a lot more willing to just retreat or take an L so I don't have to put myself through hell.

This is playing out in a legal drama right now with a bad contractor. I'm in the right, but I wonder if I'm doing myself more harm than good by even fighting at all

Hope you find some a way to parachute out of your work situation Neanderthal. That sounds unsustainable.

but one thing that sucks is I have absolutely no stomach for work drama or really conflict of any kind. It just hits me in my gut and makes me miserable and hangs over me no matter where I am or what I'm doing.

Me too, it's like immediate huge adrenaline rush/limbic response + gut curdle

It's even worse if my wife and I have any level of argument, immediate panic state

^^^^ yes

yeah i can't argue with my wife at all. i get too anxious. this can get pretty frustrating for her because it means that if she's ever worked up about something we can never hash it out because i clam up

i totally am with you right now, Evan. I have developed a stammer lately due to it (first time in my life)

This is kinda personal, but when there's conflict with my partner, or when I feel she's being too hard on me (I'm suddenly very sensitive to this), I just kind of shut down and need to lie down a bit, because it makes me feel so tired and fragile. Clam up is the right term for it.

I'm really lucky that I have a supportive partner who is pretty good at reading me, at least once I get to that state of fragility, and she's good at building me back up. But again it sucks that this has become our pattern for working through issues; it's not nearly as ideal as being able to proactively confront relationship issues head on. And also the rest of the world isn't nearly so kind to me. I don't have the option of breaking down and resting when I'm at work or interacting with other adults

yeah i can't argue with my wife at all. i get too anxious. this can get pretty frustrating for her because it means that if she's ever worked up about something we can never hash it out because i clam up

Exactly this to a t

I often write as a means od exorbitating anxiety but sometimes I wonder if writing is just a kind of language knitting? I mean does it WORK or just keep your brain busy! (?) !

it's amazing what no longer fearing for your job means to being able to say shit you've effectively unsaid for months because of said fear.

in other words, I just got a whole lot harder to manage.

managed to get through the end of that project without it getting worse and am feeling stable again. though they've just aligned me to another trouble project and so far my resume hasn't really generated much noise (I suspect I need to tweak it and make it less wordy). but....things are still looking up.

the only thing currently bugging me is that dating has just pretty much dried up ever since I opted to stop seeing V!ct0r!a due to some concerning red flags in 2015. I'm realizing I've only ever successfully met women while I've been under the influence of alcohol.

Dating also makes me crazy in a way that I don't want to impose on anybody or myself - OCD makes me jealous and paranoid. I usually internalize it so that my partner isn't aware of it but nonetheless it eats at me and causes me massive personal anguish to where it's just easier to stay single or be casual with someone.

I met someone recently during a theatrical project who is significantly younger than me but very intelligent and with a good head on her shoulders, so I tried to get to know her. First time I got to chat with her, after I left I realized we'd both just talked *at* each other rather than *to* each other the entire time. Yesterday, found out on FB we'd both shared a similar experience that we were briefly bonding over on FB and I was hoping that would be a good conservation starter, but when I finally mustered up my weak courage to talk about it with her, she clearly wasn't interested in having a conversation so I made up an excuse and walked away awkwardly (it was a pathetic sight).

I suppose I'll figure it out eventually. I have hit it off nicely with someone but she lives 90 minutes away from me so it's rarely I get to run into her. I think this bothers me more as I'm on the wrong side of 30 now than it did when I was in my 20s.

w/e tho - still on the up and up as opposed to a month ago.

This is a stupid one but like I got roped into doing High School Musical as Coach Bolton. Small part and I was told it'd have little choreo to worry about (i don't dance).

We have mandatory call at 7 each show. We keep getting told warmups are "mandatory" and they force us into them which ok fine.

But the last few weeks "warmups" have turned into Impromptu Dance Party where they just dance in place to hits and then each person goes one at a time and freestyles (there are a few in the cast who are dance impaired like me so they force them into the middle).

It's stupid but it's nerveracking to me as I am a pathetically horrible dancer and get real self conscious with 25 people watching me do anything im terrible at (singing/acting is fine).

So i always wind up leaving cos it's not warmups and gets me stressed and then i look like a "square"

As i said it's dumb but i wish people recognized that there's three - four people who don't enjoy the activity

Who is in charge? Tell them. A few of us do not like this and it's going to make for a worse show. Stop making it mandatory. Let it be for the people who have fun with it and the rest of us can split off and take a break, or do improv, or a cappella, as preferences and cliques allow.

Probably a third of the cast isn't into it either but not enough to mention or to get out of it?

it's run by two of my dear friends which is why I was treading lightly (didn't want to be curmudgeonly old guy in cast ruining everyone's fun) but humorously enough one of them found me in the dressing room and apologized, saying "I just needed to wake the kids up, they were dragging", meaning tonight it wasn't planned (I was a few minutes late due to the weather).

I'm just feeling p beaten down in general now and need some time to myself soon I think - I'm with a new doctor now and wondering if it's time to try the Lexapro jump. my blood pressure has been higher than ever since my dosage increase for Effexor two years ago and that might be due to my poor life choices but there has been a connection determined in many cases between this drug and blood pressure spikes.

or maybe they can just give me a beta blocker.

the Irish goodbye is becoming a favorite of mine

seasoned extroverts agree, tbf

Nowhere near the worst I've been but these last two months have been brutal.

My parents having been chronically incapable of taking care of themselves for the last eight years and running to me every five minutes doesn't help. I fear im probably going to unload on them again like i did earlier this year.

We had come so far too. Sigh.

Its not even just money they just seem to think im fuckin Captain fixit

Ugh, having a (mild) anxiety attack after seeing something on Facebook. I'll be fine but I'm trying to figure out what to do until it passes... is there like, a constructive online outlet for people having anxiety? I guess I don't even know what that would look like. But I don't like to post to Facebook or Twitter about it, because it's way too personal, but I don't know a good way to purge all this nervous/destructive energy

Where are you? Can you go for a walk? That can help a lot (for me it does, anyway).

That's such a good, obvious idea that I'm amazed I never thought of it (especially a couple years ago, when my anxiety was vicious and constant). Dunno what it says about me that my first impulse is to look online for relief.

I work in an office, so I'm pretty much trapped at my computer. But given how little work I get done when I'm dealing with anxiety and the aftermath of an anxiety attack (I feel like I have a hangover right now), I'd probably be better off just leaving and taking a walk. Might do that at lunch.

It’s pretty hard to think clearly when you’re feeling this way. Cleaning sometimes helps as well.

If you don’t have addiction issues, my long term suggestion is to ask your dr for a small rx of a sedative like clonazepam, lorazepam or diazepam - useful for when you’re stuck in an environment you can’t get away from like work. I try not to take unless I feel like I must, but 0.5 mg of clonazepam usually takes just enough off the edge to stop the vicious cycle of anxiety.

After reading an industry white paper on CBD (Cannabidiol) being used extensively as an anxiety med, I started getting into it. It's been great so far, but this may be placebo. Has anyone else tried this out, and what's been your experience

i have used it on a few occasions. I have worried about the placebo effect being a thing, but it has certainly helped me. I have used it when I have been feeling the kind of anxiety which is not crippling, but is constant and unpleasant. Seems to have a reasonably significant effect on me, with the effect lasting a few hours. Have not tried it while experiencing an anxiety attack.

As an aside CBD does not appear to have any great analgesic effect on me.

xxp Yeah I have a prescription. No addiction issues, thankfully, but I try not to take too much of it, for no other reason than I feel proud of myself when I can go long stretches without it. I also only take it at night, because it makes me sleepy, but the challenge with that, of course, is I can't predict whether my anxiety will be triggered the following day.

Do you take it as needed during the day? Does it make you foggy?

Also for mental issues like anxiety I don't knock the placebo effect at all. If there's a sugar pill that makes me feel calmer and has no side effects, sign me up.

i don't have a job that requires a ton of mental concentration, so i take it during the day if i need to - but like i said, just a half a pill, so it doesn't make me foggy unless i'm already super tired. and i only take if i really, REALLY feel like i need to, because it's too easy to build a tolerance.

weed has been pretty great for me. i started using it with a vaporizer a couple of years ago to help with sleep, and it didn't seem to have a huge effect. but i was also on a couple of different sleep meds as well. a few months ago, i quit the sleep meds but continued with the nighttime weed and now i sleep at least 6 hrs a night, almost every night (and hardly wake up during the night!). i quit my antidepressant soon after and have had a lot of persistent moderate-to-severe anxiety ever since, and the weed at night is the only time i don't feel some level of anxiety.

there's a certain placebo effect of just having meds in my possession - knowing i can take something if things get really dire - bc a lot of the worst part of anxiety is the spiraling:

feel vague anxiousness
start feeling stomach-crampy
can't catch breath/heart beating a little too fast
feel more anxiety about what's happening to my body
increased anxiety makes body stuff worsen
anxiety level increases *again* due to inability to control body's reactions
...and so on and so on, leading into full-fledged panic-attack territory

there's a certain placebo effect of just having meds in my possession - knowing i can take something if things get really dire

Yup 100% here too. Just having the meds is more important for me than actually taking them. Big comfort, especially since so much of anxiety is simply worrying about how to deal with anxiety

my anxiety decided to vacay and has been replaced by just pure simmering rage and the desire to hit things

there's really no place for this in the workplace in my life's experience - the reaction to it is usually either the other person goes on the defensive and loses their patience instantly or says nothing but thinks you're a crackpot behind your back. i do my best to NOT let this show, but i have my moments.

This year I'm saying no to the severe anxiety and intense prolonged discomfort that comes with thanksgiving with the extended family and just having a meal at my house with immediate family

My anxiety is so much better these days, and I’m thankful for that.

But I also have become a sponge for the anxiety of people around me. Being around stressed or edgy people just hits me right in my stomach, and there’s no polite way to tell them “you’re making me anxious,” so I just have to try my best to cover for it. It’s a lot.

These are anxious times. Try to give others a clue, even if it is marginally impolite in your view. If they understand they might be less likely to vomit their anxiety on you.

kind of having that now w/ a new friend of mine but I feel like there are moments where I'm almost starting to claw my way back to the way I was 4-5 years ago, when things were going better for me. infancy stages but hopeful.

I picked maybe the worst possible time in recorded history to try to work on a) grad school applications and b) transition and I am freaking the fuck out on a near-daily basis

Congrats on both! That is awesome! I can only imagine how ridiculously stressful both must be, but they're also huge causes for celebration. You have a good support system?

I was kind of a mess yesterday, just stressed out and irritable beyond any rational justification, drinking up the stress of everything around me. Thankfully I feel much better today. Nice when you wake up and everything resets.

One problem I'm having (and I'm acutely aware of how sad this sounds and I promise my life isn't this pathetic at all) is that my cat, who I got as a kitten after surviving some trauma and who has been a tremendous source of comfort for me ever since, is stressed out and that's manifesting in her overgrooming herself, to the point where she has bald patches. I hate watching her lick herself bald every waking moment of her day, and she's done so much to make me feel better I wish I could do the same for her. I know the cause of her anxiety (my partner moved in with her two cats) but on an irrational level I feel like she somehow internalized my own anxiety and I feel guilty about it.

TT, I remember a time when you thought you’d never even manage to go back to school- not only did you go back but you’re also going to grad school?!? That’s fucking awesome and amazing.

I am medication free, currently. I never felt it did all that much for me, partly as my anxiety is so uneven.

My anxiety is paralysing when its there, and when its not there its a wonderful feeling. I churn up inside when it is and its cost me dearly in many ways. I've come to the realisation for me that my anxiety is related to feelings of control and autonomy, and that I need small obstacles to climb over each day. That I need to focus on the small picture. I feel like life is walking on a high ledge, and if there are some obstacles to focus on....it stops you looking around and realising, fuck, I am on a very high ledge.

I watched this recently and its really Really good, its not specifically related to anxiety its just an amazing story, but the experiences of an English guy who spent 6 years in Joe Arpiao's Supermax prison in Arizona (was originally sentenced to 200 years). The highs and lows of this guys life, and the feelings of anxiety he had in prison, and to be where he is now (giving talks in schools in England). Idk, I got a lot out of it

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9golHCCdg4

Ive had to postpone two job interviews today due to the anxiety. Particularly strong today, pulsing trough my stomach, paralysed and churning.

Luckily there are a lot of job processes in play and these two will be the first I've missed

Thanks- neither is entirely sure yet, though, and my lack of preparation for grad during undergrad means I could be 36 by the time I get started on one of the basic necessities for working in my field of study. That, and the delay in seeking any treatment for The Gender Issue, is feeling kind of hopeless

I have never had a panic attack before but lately I feel on the verge of having a panic attack I'd say...4/5 of the time that I'm awake. Currently trying to psyche myself into giving off calm + casual vibes so I can tutor a ten-year-old without freaking him out.

tip to anyone - stay the fuck away from Mirtazapine

Recommend CBD for sufferers of anxiety. Non psycho-active, the effect is one of pain relief in the body and a subtle mental shield feeling; I find things that normlaly bother me no longer do and the bonus is you can function on it. May want to try 5 mg to start but I would suggest 20 mg as even that dose results in very mild sedation.

*normally

cbd pills are moderately helpful for me. would recommend at least trying them. one note of caution: some pills are better than others. you generally want the more expensive liquid extract pills rather than the solid hemp(?)-based cheaper ones