what to do when your roommate doesn't realize you're home and thusly is having loud sex in the living room

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I don't rent. Four bedroom house!

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Friday, 20 August 2004 06:04 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm there!

― Gear! (Gear!), Friday, 20 August 2004 06:10 (twenty-one years ago)

Use the door this time.

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Friday, 20 August 2004 06:15 (twenty-one years ago)

yeah sorry about that window...

― Gear! (Gear!), Friday, 20 August 2004 06:30 (twenty-one years ago)

haha so of course I come home from work and what's going on? my roommate's getting a FOOT MASSAGE on the COUCH while watching The Terminator. This glum-faced indie kid with patchy facial hair is delivering the footrub. I'm really beginning to think she trolls the high schools for indie twinkage.

― Gear! (Gear!), Friday, 20 August 2004 07:10 (twenty-one years ago)

Could it possibly be the same guy without the hat?

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Friday, 20 August 2004 07:12 (twenty-one years ago)

Definitely not, word on the street is that "he turned out to be a jerk!"

I'd also like to add that my roommate has been known to get drunk in public and scream out "I'm hahrny!" in a faux-Irish accent whilst grabbing confused "boys" nearby.

― Gear! (Gear!), Friday, 20 August 2004 07:17 (twenty-one years ago)

Does it look like he's going to be spending the night? Foot massage, that's not really one night stand shit, is it. And watching Terminator. It's like they've been dating 5 years or something.

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Friday, 20 August 2004 07:19 (twenty-one years ago)

As I walked in she informed they had been drinking "Transylvanian wine" and asked me if I wanted some. I declined. I handed her a bill from the mailbox (because she wouldn't have picked it up, it's only 1am after all) and she said "a bill for me! Just like you, Bill! Tee hee!" She giggled, he giggled, I darted off to my room where I sit huddled in the dark under a blanket.

― Gear! (Gear!), Friday, 20 August 2004 07:25 (twenty-one years ago)

how did you end up sharing a flat with this character gear?

― gem (trisk), Friday, 20 August 2004 07:27 (twenty-one years ago)

I shall cut 'n' paste the story from another thread:

Feb 2003, Adam Green show at Spaceland in Los Angeles. I was invited by some friends to check him out, saying I probably wouldn't like him aside from "Jessica", but it was cheap. And so I went. The opener of all people was the dreadful Jesse Malin, and most people were there to see him. After Malin finished his set, Green came out and played to a mostly empty room. After he finished, my friend Mikhail began darting around trying to talk to an amazingly beautiful girl, my friend Sam went off into a corner and sat down, and I went to the bar. This girl (future roomie) came up to me and started babbling away, asking me how old I was, because she had a bet with a friend. I said 28, we started talking music.

Possible warning signs off the bat:

- despite name-dropping The Magnetic Fields, Yo La Tengo, and other very very good bands, she admitted that "emo is a real guilty pleasure for me, tee hee" which I would have taken as "I love emo omg" if I wasn't so drunk.

- she was there to see Jesse Malin and not Adam Green.

- she said that while she was an actress, she "wasn't Hollywood", "never drank", "was just a regular girl", and "loved to read". Which of course meant "I'm not Hollywood, but I'm trying!", "I drink constantly!", "I'm insane!", and "I carry around copies of Glamorama but don't read them!"

we talked for awhile and exchanged numbers and figured we'd hang out. We didn't hang out for awhile, then we finally did sometime closer to summer. We got along well, she really wasn't too bad at that point. We talked about getting a place, just because we got along reasonably well and both wanted to live in a better area. So we agreed to find a place that we'd sign a year lease for, and almost immediately I realized she was a chameleon who presented whatever side would show her in the best light to whoever she was around. So I never saw the side that I see every day now, until it was too late. Now I have to deal with Ryan Adams blasting in my living room at 4am, dishes piled up everywhere, her friends parking in the parking spaces of other people who live in the building, my roommate getting drunk and flashing passerby at the corner of N0rt0n and G@rdner, and trucker hats + emo emo emo all the time.

Ultimately it's my own damn fault, I have no one to blame but myself. I should have made sure!

― Gear! (Gear!), Friday, 20 August 2004 07:30 (twenty-one years ago)

that story makes it appear as though we hung and and voila, roomies, but it was over the course of many months.

― Gear! (Gear!), Friday, 20 August 2004 07:32 (twenty-one years ago)

see this makes me so glad i decided never to share ever ever again. of course rent is cheap here so i am lucky. i can't stand having flat(room)mates

― gem (trisk), Friday, 20 August 2004 08:07 (twenty-one years ago)

Gear's loss here is so clearly ILX's gain, though.

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Friday, 20 August 2004 08:10 (twenty-one years ago)

so true roxy! errrr silver linings and other such hackneyed cliches.

― gem (trisk), Friday, 20 August 2004 08:10 (twenty-one years ago)

Jules : Whoa... whoa... whoa... stop right there. Eatin' a bitch out, and givin' a bitch a foot massage ain't even the same fuckin' thing.
Vincent : Not the same thing, the same ballpark.
Jules : It ain't no fuckin' ballpark either. Now look, maybe your method of massage differs from mine, but touchin' his wife's feet, and stickin' your tongue in her holyiest of holies, ain't the same ballpark, it ain't the same league, it ain't even the same fuckin' sport. Foot massages don't mean shit.
Vincent : Have you ever given a foot massage?
Jules : Don't be tellin' me about foot massages - I'm the foot fuckin' master.
Vincent : Given a lot of 'em?
Jules : Shit yeah. I got my technique down and everything, I don't be tickling or nothin'.
Vincent : Would you give a guy a foot massage?
Jules : Fuck you.
Vincent : You give them a lot?
Jules : Fuck you.
Vincent : You know, I'm getting kinda tired, I could use a foot massage.
Jules : Man, you best back off, I'm gittin' pissed.

― Velveteen Bingo (Chris V), Friday, 20 August 2004 10:39 (twenty-one years ago)

Why oh why did I never see this thread?

― mcd (mcd), Friday, 20 August 2004 13:28 (twenty-one years ago)

how old's your roommate btw?

― ken c (ken c), Friday, 20 August 2004 13:43 (twenty-one years ago)

old enough

― the neurotic awakening of s (blueski), Friday, 20 August 2004 13:44 (twenty-one years ago)

how do you know this? (thinks back to see if stevem has ever sported a t.hat)

― ken c (ken c), Friday, 20 August 2004 13:45 (twenty-one years ago)

24 years old, I think.

fuck, not again!

every fucking morning, I swear, she gets up and goes off somewhere and doesn't turn off her fucking alarm, and now it's going off, which means I have to gingerly negotiate a minefield of emo CDs, dirty underwear that is not her own, and makeup products in order to shut it off.

― Gear! (Gear!), Friday, 20 August 2004 15:39 (twenty-one years ago)

Couldn't you 'accidently' break it or 'inadvertently' toss it into the street?

― Michael White (Hereward), Friday, 20 August 2004 15:40 (twenty-one years ago)

thinks back to see if stevem has ever sported a t.hat

there is a photo on ile somewhere...but everyone has worn that hat

― the neurotic awakening of s (blueski), Friday, 20 August 2004 15:41 (twenty-one years ago)

That hat is a whore.

― luna (luna.c), Friday, 20 August 2004 15:45 (twenty-one years ago)

seriously guys my roomie would get plugged by anything with two legs, mesh, and foam.

― Gear! (Gear!), Friday, 20 August 2004 15:48 (twenty-one years ago)

i don't know whether to be aroused or baffled

― the neurotic awakening of s (blueski), Friday, 20 August 2004 15:49 (twenty-one years ago)

I have this spare office chair that seems as though it would fit the bill...

― luna (luna.c), Friday, 20 August 2004 15:50 (twenty-one years ago)

some chairs get all the luck

― the neurotic awakening of s (blueski), Friday, 20 August 2004 15:51 (twenty-one years ago)

It's got three legs though, but she sounds as though she's not *too* picky.

― luna (luna.c), Friday, 20 August 2004 15:54 (twenty-one years ago)

Gear, I will buy you a pint if you can say with *total honesty* that you've never beaten off thinking about your roommate. And I'll buy you a chaser if you cried while doing it.

― Markelby (Mark C), Friday, 20 August 2004 15:57 (twenty-one years ago)

Um, ew.

― tokyo rosemary (rosemary), Friday, 20 August 2004 16:09 (twenty-one years ago)

seriously guys my roomie would get plugged by anything with two legs, mesh, and foam.

Sid & Marty Kroft bukkake party at Gear's house!

― Michael White (Hereward), Friday, 20 August 2004 16:16 (twenty-one years ago)

I have never wanked to mental images of my roommate, but she borrowed a couple of CDs from me which were returned within days, scratched beyond any ability to be played, which did cause some wailing and gnashing of the teeth on my part, if that counts.

― Gear! (Gear!), Friday, 20 August 2004 17:11 (twenty-one years ago)

Ok, how could that possibly count?

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Friday, 20 August 2004 17:16 (twenty-one years ago)

well it's comparable to crying at least.

― Gear! (Gear!), Friday, 20 August 2004 17:19 (twenty-one years ago)

I see what you're saying now.

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Friday, 20 August 2004 17:29 (twenty-one years ago)

The gnashing of teeth imagery suggests worrying comparisons.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 20 August 2004 17:30 (twenty-one years ago)

"Midge" over here just asked me if I needed a roommate, I told him I knew a girl who did. And now he's going on about how he just got a bottle of Jack Daniels and how he wants to break it in. that's for another thread, though.

― Gear! (Gear!), Friday, 20 August 2004 17:31 (twenty-one years ago)

http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B0000019GE.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg

― Gear! (Gear!), Friday, 20 August 2004 17:32 (twenty-one years ago)

If I ever find out that you're just a very creative guy who made up the roommate, the midget, and the guy with the chickens to amuse your internet friends, I will never forgive you.

― Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Friday, 20 August 2004 17:33 (twenty-one years ago)

Personally I would love to play Jack Tripper for this young thing. But I'm bored.

― CeCe Peniston (Anthony Miccio), Friday, 20 August 2004 17:35 (twenty-one years ago)

shit man, get a smart sensible brunette to join in and Don Knotts as your landlord.

― CeCe Peniston (Anthony Miccio), Friday, 20 August 2004 17:36 (twenty-one years ago)

Really?! I think if he turned out to be making up this whole thing I would just surrender to his awesomeness and have no other gods before said awesomeness. xpost

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Friday, 20 August 2004 17:37 (twenty-one years ago)

my landlord sounds and looks exactly like Michael Caine gone to seed.

okay I'll fess up to the chicken feed guy, but I never meant it to be taken as truth!

― Gear! (Gear!), Friday, 20 August 2004 17:39 (twenty-one years ago)

you don't already, Roxy? =(

― Gear! (Gear!), Friday, 20 August 2004 17:40 (twenty-one years ago)

AH! I knew it.

I forgive you. I feel very relieved now, actually.

― Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Friday, 20 August 2004 18:03 (twenty-one years ago)

it's partially true, I did make a half-hearted stab at being an amateur P.I. but only received one phone call, from a guy who wanted me to "kick this jerk's ass, like in Cape Fear!" I reminded him the P.I. didn't fare too well in that film and he shouted "the hell with you!" and hung up. It might have been a prank call.

― Gear! (Gear!), Friday, 20 August 2004 18:11 (twenty-one years ago)

Gear!, please leave her the URL of this thread!

― ())(())()()()(()(LASER)()()()LA(Z)E(R)()()()((L)()()(A)(S(E)R()()()) (ex machina, Friday, 20 August 2004 18:13 (twenty-one years ago)

...bringing the tally of demands to three. Who else wants Gear to leave the url? This is like choose your own adventure except it's some dude's life and involves ass sex.

― roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Friday, 20 August 2004 18:54 (twenty-one years ago)

MY (CODE) NAME IS JONAS

― ())(())()()()(()(LASER)()()()LA(Z)E(R)()()()((L)()()(A)(S(E)R()()()) (ex machina, Friday, 20 August 2004 18:58 (twenty-one years ago)

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