Homemade Jokes

What did the farmer say when he saw a cow on his roof?
- Get down.

What did the neighbour say when he saw a cow on his roof?
- Get the farmer next door, he knows what to do.

― attention vampire (MatthewK), Friday, March 31, 2017 7:40 AM (one month ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7e-htZLNAdo

Neil Hamburger-ian absurdly long set ups

I was thinkin Norm MacDonald, but I feel ya brah

also, cow, get down

Jute Gyte walks into a bar and sits down next to another white, Nordic-looking guy.

Gyte: "Hey brother, nice to see there's still some good people left, the way the neighborhood's changing..."

Other guy: "Stop right there sir, I don't think I agree with what you're saying"

Gyte: "I didn't say anything, I'm.... Just Intoning"

xxp OMG the secret is out!

joke i wrote on my fb a while ago:

I want to write a buddy cop movie where Stephen King joins the FBI on request because he's so smart at figuring out crimes, but he needs to work with INTERPOL who have hired Jean Claude Van Damme due to his charisma and fighting prowess, so the two are forced to work together to stop maybe some diamond smugglers or something. With King as the smarts and JCVD as the brawn they face the world's scummiest criminals.

The movie would be called The Brain & Muscles From Maine & Brussels.

still one of my faves tbh

One I wasted on FaceBook before I quit it:

Banal sentence with
Right syllabic properties
Becomes lame poem

For semi-complicated reasons, we had to drive to Sikeston, Missouri, this weekend to pick up our new pooch.

While we were waiting in the parking lot, I said to sunny, Wouldn't it be wild if this was this guy's game, telling families he's got a dog for them, but they have to pick it up in Sikeston? Then when families show up and there's no dog, he sends a text that simply says.... Sike?

TSA: Mr. Kerry Livgren, we need to search your bag. The x-ray scanner shows what looks like a small child stuck in there.

Kerry Livgren: Sir, I appreciate your concern. I just wanted to carry on my wayward son.

did you hear about the time Eminem misplaced his low strong cart without fixed sides, used for carrying heavy loads?

he forgot about dray

What did the USS John McCain say to the USS Gabrielle Giffords when she cornered him at the P.F. Chang's to ask if he'd like to make a donation to the Hurricane Harvey relief effort fund?

"I appreciate you asking, USS Gabrielle Giffords, but this is a less than ideal time for me as I am currently enjoying a Chinese food meal with my wife here at the P.F. Chang's restaurant."

What's the difference between a campaign finance reform bill and a Brit with dementia?

One is McCain-Feingold and the other "can't find m'kangol"

You received a personal letter from a conservative catholic NYTimes columnist?

Sincerely Douthat.

A French cyclist is bringing out a range of New Romantic themed cycling gear called Spandex Bardet.

Have you guys heard about the new Shakespearean hip-hop artist, Perchance the Rapper?

:D

I went to a restaurant the other day.

The waiter said, “Are you ready to order?”

I said, “Get me my fucking food!”

I went to the dentist the other day.

The dentist said, “How often do you brush?”

I said, “Onry when I’m feering shy.”

Someone else made this one up but I love it:

What is Forrest Gump's computer password?

1forrest1

password strength = weak

What is Terry Riley's favourite nursery rhyme?

In C Wincey Spider

It's too late, I already ate the last of the cheese

It was a feta-compli

It's too late, I already ate the last of the cheese

It was a feta-compli

haha

Did you hear about the leather maker who stubbornly refused to put a nap on any of his products?

He just couldn’t be suede.

Did you hear about the US mayor who put out online instructions for making japanese noodle soup?

Ramen E-manual

Did you hear about the guy who wouldn't put his shirt on?

He just kept putting it off.

-or-

Why did the guy decide not to put on a shirt?

In the end, he didn't think he'd be able to pull it off.

*points to display name*

Why did the dyslexic celiac fly from Stansted?

Because he was Luton intolerant!

What’s red and shakes the windows?
Beets by Dre

What’s waterproof and stays home alone?
McAulay Caulking

Evan Dando & Eminem just released a single: It’s a Shame about Dre

:-)

What's angry and stays home alone?

McAulay Saulking.

excellent

Q: What’s this? : f0otLo053

A: Kenny’s login

mad decent

v good

yes

vg+

https://www.myob.com/au/blog/files/2015/04/login.jpg https://www.myob.com/au/blog/files/2015/04/login.jpg & https://i.ytimg.com/vi/e3xcHeO68oE/maxresdefault.jpg

Logins and Ms. Cena

My 8-year-old niece was very excited to tell me this joke that she made up today:

Why do elves wear clothes?

Because its their elf-fit.

Q: When do you celebrate burping?
A: On your burp-day.

(as told by a real 5-year old)

I've got a fetish for feet, but only for white girls' feet. I went to the doctor and he told me I'm black toes intolerant.

what did the Japanese noise musician say when his wife gave birth?

new sooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

The local pub has started selling a pop-themed buy-one-get-one-free craft ale.

Dual IPA

Didja, didja hear that it's going to take longer to count people in 2020?

XTC's already got a song about it called "Census Working Overtime".

I did think up that brilliant take on my own, but I do have to mention that it was also made here about 15 years ago: I need a good title for a boring paper

My opponent claims that I am an alcoholic who is more interested in vodka than helping my constituents. But that is a baseless smirnoff.

how long does it take to find a mummy's home?
two minutes (tomb innits)

puns requiring parentheses are one of my fav ilx tropes

*Emily Litella Voice* "Why is everyone so up in arms about ice raids at 7-11? When I was in college, we did those all the time, how else are you going to serve cold drinks?"

Drove past Herman Munster's Shoe Emporium

Big place, covers several thousand square feet