Does the entire Innocent Smoothies aesthetic strike you as deeply fucking irritating?

it's a "funniness" infected with twee tho, partly a bourgeois "too good to use the same swears as the common rabble" and partly a "funny sounds are funny" faux childishness

From the FAQ section of a once-popular British comedy website circa 2003 or so;

http://i.imgur.com/R6nspCn.jpg

this twee swearing stuff is something only English people do, right? (possibly Welsh people as well, idk)

which other bellending nation of felchworn gapepandas would be smegming sad enough?

The twee swearing thing is horrible, but I still think we're generally better when it comes to real swearing

Sam Kriss otm: https://www.vice.com/en_uk/article/how-twitter-ruined-swearing

I am probably being harsh but I was passing a pub in my local countryside - The Woolpack no less! On the sign it reads "FINEST CASK ALES. A REAL FIREPLACE. DIRTY BOOTS AND MUDDY DOGS ARE WELCOME HERE".
It got me thinking of amusing combinations of radge types that would deliberately stand in a dogshit + walk it in along with a snarling Akita that has just rolled in a pile of manure if that pub was a bit closer to the estate.

Working exclusively with out British strawberry growers we turn their excess berries into the rich sweet conserve in these doughnuts. Not only are we wasting less fresh fruit but we are able to make the most of this delectable summer fruit.

• 'excess berries' sounds sinister. Excess dangleberries?
• 'rich sweet conserve' ie, not jam, just mashed up strawberry purée.
• the general self congratulatory smugness of the second sentence...
• ...and the use of the word 'fruit' twice in that sentence.

So, you’ve started saving up for your brand new pug-shaped money box, wahoo!

But those accounts can be confusing; what do all those letters and % mean? And what about the interest you’ll be getting on those savings? And how is it different when you borrow money?

Well, @doddleoddle is with us again to help explain here.
#dodie#doddleoddle#money stuff#nationwide#banking#money#cash#signal boost#gif#fun

http://www.gizmodo.co.uk/2017/06/virgin-trains-are-facing-delays-because-a-trampoline-was-on-the-track/

nothing would cheer me up more whilst stood waiting for a delayed train/missed connection than some light-hearted banter from customer services

imagine the crushing day-to-day horror of life as virgin trains' social media manager

The implicit passive-aggressiveness of the Innocent aesthetic, made explicit:

http://confirmshaming.tumblr.com/

Also:

http://i.imgur.com/uNVG3Vv.jpg

Hi confession I thought "innocent smoothies" was slang for a dude with gently wild hair and an unbuttoned denim shirt who was aggressively no-pressuring you into purchasing a product, not the product itself

Anyone?

https://www.linkedin.com/jobs/view/313979985/

imagining the kinds of twee, cringingly awful shit people will be writing in their applications is giving me a toothache

Yeah but they're not really twee, that's the worst bit of it. These sorts of people are always calculating

Anyone?

https://www.linkedin.com/jobs/view/313979985/

― Chuck_Tatum, Friday, June 16, 2017 5:06 AM (four days ago)

applications are closed :(

This is a more general marketing whine rather than Innocent specifically but some of this stuff is super awful: https://www.facebookawards.com/winners-gallery.html

(NB I work in marketing, sort of.)

jesus fuck, this just turned up in my inbox

Big question for ya. Assuming it arrived without a hitch , is our Beard Balm the mind-blowing, life-changing, marriage-saving experience you’ve always wanted?

Okay... maybe we’re reaching a little bit. Maybe. But a ll jokes aside (for now), do you have 30 seconds to give us your feedback? Perhaps 27.2 seconds, if we may be so bold?

I know, I know… we’re not exactly the first company that ever asked you for honest, unbiased feedback. But at Smooth Viking, we never want to lose touch with what our fellow Vikings think. In other words, we're sentimental. Don't judge us. Pssh.

Besides, there’s thousands of other bearded Amazon shoppers out there that like making informed decisions, so why not give them your honest and unbiased take to help your brothers out?

#SharingIsCaring #TheMoreYouKnow #ThugLife

If that sounds doable to you, shweet. Here’s the link to make it easy:

Tell us your honest/unbiased thoughts while we think of more dumb hashtags

If there's anything I can help you with, don't hesitate to reply and let me know. Thanks for taking some time out of your legendary day to do this, Ross. Take it easy.

Charlie – Smooth Viking

beards, that's where i'm a dipshit viking

honest/unbiased

oh i'll be sending them an honest opinion alright

charlie from smooth viking here, i'd like to increase our email open-to-face-punch ratio. and no, i don't care if it's not physically possible.

the fact that every model on their homepage is sporting an undercut (and one with a bun) makes my purchasing decision extremely easy

I was unsure what I thought of their brand name, but having seen the site I'm not liking it

either they shave and have smooth skin, or they exhibit some sort of viking skill making them worthy of being called "smooth" and I got nothing here

here is a site with guides to mixing your own olive-oil-and-beeswax things btw

http://www.humblebeeandme.com/a-quick-guide-to-beeswax-liquid-oil-ratios/

i think it's the #thuglife part i find most teeth-grindingly aggravating

Dear Mr Drug Dealer

Next time you leave your hotel room in a hurry don't leave your drugs behind

We've your bags and ID too

See you soon pic.twitter.com/jHSw9mkzsy

— GMP Middleton (@GMPMiddleton) July 15, 2017

the rise in police forces using twitter for "banter" is a real pain. imagine being the type of person who happily retweets the flabby arm of the state's horrendous attempts at humour.

I'm guessing you're familiar with the comedy stylings of the Garda Traffic Twitter account...

indeed - also the irish gardai on facebook is a fucking horror show - badly spelled, random, occasionally offensive, they haven't a fucking clue.

That drug-bragging wouldn't be a good look for WYP, especially after one of their plods was caught with 700k worth of confiscated drugs stashed at his house last year.

love a bit of pig banter, drug dealers are really naughty

This Bradford cop who was stealing all the drugs for himself was caught with bales of cocaine (weighing 11 kilograms) at his house!! He probably could have made a Pablo Escobar statue out coke and still made a small fortune on the rest.

http://i.imgur.com/97OiYUI.jpg

one of those twins was clearly getting more nutrients than the other

surely the twins should be a racial mix of black bin and green bin

oh i get it, bins with parents of two different ethnicities are all just grey as far as the general public is concerned

aye but both of those adult bins are male - an important breakthrough for representation of lgbtq+ refuse containers imo

do they think that by announcing the birth of the two bins people will be pleased at having yet more complicated waste disposal practices?

not sure if this counts as Innocent Smoothies aesthetic so much as just rubbish marketing

Hope all is well, I have been trying to reach you over the past few weeks to discuss your 2017 cloud based projects. However, I have not heard back.

This leads me to believe that...

a) at the moment, your company sees no value in taking advantage of all the Google Cloud Platform has to offer

or....

b) 2017 is not the year for your company to realize the performance, scalability and savings of moving to the Google Cloud Platform

or possibly....

c) you are trapped under something heavy, just outside of reach of your PC desperately trying to respond

Whatever the case may be, in efforts to give you some time to mull it over or find availability, this will be my last correspondence. If you would like to discuss any aspect of your cloud computing initiatives via a google hangouts you can book an appointment here . I am always a call or email away.

For the record, this is the goofiest, most infantilizing rejection letter I've gotten since, maybe, first year of college? pic.twitter.com/Mzuf9qil7O

— Jason Scott (@textfiles) September 1, 2017

This actually made me shout OH FUCK OFF at my phone.

lol, when i saw this thread bumped i was JUST about to post that here!

The very same here. Amazing.

https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t31.0-8/fr/cp0/e15/q65/21200747_1928459190514376_3232820399731925753_o.jpg?efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&oh=a7f9dd4306c176e0b487c14c57bb48d4&oe=5A20C888

The scope of newEpicJob is a bit limited.

And those single quotes around Uber look decidedly non-ascii.

Advert/warning on the All4 app. This must be one of the worst things like this I've ever seen.

http://i.cubeupload.com/dsGBCl.png