Silicon Valley Techno-Utopianism

the great dickhole die-off

Ugh God the view from inside, though if I'm being fair, I'm more in the midst of vanilla corporatism.

https://mobile.twitter.com/SICKOFWOLVES/status/852241977445953540

NOT A WOLF‏ @SICKOFWOLVES
I LOVE STARTUP CULTURE

WE HAVE OFFICE BEER

THEY GAVE ME A JACKET

I CANNOT AFFORD MEDICINE

AND I GET TO WORK LATE TONIGHT

OOH PINBALL
12:28 PM · Apr 12, 2017
7,213 RETWEETS
23,363 LIKES

https://www.bloomberg.com/news/features/2017-04-19/silicon-valley-s-400-juicer-may-be-feeling-the-squeeze

http://theconcourse.deadspin.com/i-just-love-this-juicero-story-so-much-1794459898

When we signed up to pump money into this juice company, it was because we thought drinking the juice would be a lot harder and more expensive. That was the selling point, because Silicon Valley is a stupid libertarian dystopia where investor-class vampires are the consumers and a regular person’s money is what they go shopping for. Easily opened bags of juice do not give these awful nightmare trash parasites a good bargain on the disposable income of credulous wellness-fad suckers; therefore easily opened bags of juice are a worse investment than bags of juice that are harder to open.

Donald Trump got to be president by holding up the wallet his dad gave him and yelling “I fuck this wallet.”

lol

Silicon Valley Checklist

1. Does it disrupt?
2. Does it scale?
3. ?????????
4. PROFIT

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C94VtndXcAAaxvT.jpg

Forbes suggested that you are more likely to hook people on $8 bags of juice if you remove the $400 barrier to entry, which I can kind of see, but the whole concept is fabulously stupid.

this whole thing

wow

juicero

imo the long game would be to introduce squeezable juice bags, then introduce the machine later once people are into them but they now have arthritis or sore hands from squeezing all your products

I almost want to throw Juicero some money in exchange for the massive lols they have given me

is it pronounced "juice row" or "juice air row"

either way it's stupid

joo-say-ro

i've been pronouncing it joo-see-ro

juicy arrow

i want to start a competitor called juicephus

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=viejY6UZ5Bk

I now have "Juicero! Juicero! Juic-er-o!" going round in my head Barber Of Seville style.

https://youtu.be/5I6Y79-yXtw

christ

Ultra marathon runner and passionate plant-based athlete Rich Roll finally gets his hands on his long awaited Press.

don't mind if i do

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Juice $4,800
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

rickroll warning (xposts)

A graduate of Stanford University and Cornell Law School, Rich is a 50-year old, accomplished vegan ultra-endurance athlete and former entertainment attorney turned full-time wellness & plant-based nutrition advocate, popular public speaker, husband, father of 4 and inspiration to people worldwide as a transformative example of courageous and healthy living.

I hate America

you can sift through that to suss out his likely career arc, and how many years he spent doing each of those things, and it paints a picture

i'm not one to judge others taste in art

"i'll just grab a glass... aand... then i just push a button... for fresh juice?"

http://splitsider.awlnetwork.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2014/01/stevebrule.jpg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYn_iuPueKw

juicifer

The bags should explode if mishandled

Then they can sell a special $200 Juice Cleaner.

I can't live without mine, folks.

owner of company my partner works for cut everyone's commission but then ordered a cold-pressed juice subscription for the office.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0tO6l4Timdg

i cannot get over juicero

Z-ro's vegan sidekick

If you need to know how to pronounce the name (and why it makes juicing so much easier), this video is a must: https://youtu.be/X1oHp-VvhDE.

Sometimes money is just sitting around in a venture capitalist's pocket, begging to be wasted, and Doug, the Head of the Juicero Team, was just the man for the job.

http://gizmodo.com/juicero-ceo-begs-you-do-not-open-our-juice-bags-1794507811

their rebuttal was to recreate one of those "as seen on tv" product commercials where their head of communications grabs the stuff from inside the bag and ineffectually squeezes it over a bowl

lol

direct link to the grim, strange video, worth it for the single comment that slipped through before they were disabled: https://vimeo.com/214030931

very good comment

For posterity

Joshua Sherman
3 hours ago
The question ringing in my ears is "What's Inside This Filmmaker?" I love the Dogme 95 meets ASMR nouveau cinema -- what's inside indeed? As the filmmaker gets closer to the material, we are struck by a great amount of distance -- why end now? Have we, indeed, seen everything? If you cut me open with a pair of kitchen scissors, would I not bleed like this very carrot blitzed Capri sun? It's disposal into the pure white bowl sums it up: we are damaged goods, all of us, commodities striving for a more perfect and lucrative presentations of ourselves, staining the bowls we are destined to rot in. Juice me, oh rotten capitalism, check the QR code of my soul and protect the holy customer from the foodborne illnesses brewing in my heart.

https://thesocietypages.org/cyborgology/2017/04/19/keeping-america-compatible-with-facebook/

good article, uses my fb/zuck as Robert Moses analogy in it, for which I will be demanding recognition

respect knuckles

I'm no Facebook fan, but comparing Zuckerberg to a guy who intentionally cut black neighborhoods off from public transit is going a little far.

well the point of analogies is usually not that they are exact. Zuck has a ways to go