Blue Saturday

Wow, right now not so bad, but this week has been an absolute doozy. Totally rinsed. WATCHA GONNA DO ON THE JUDGMENT DAY. I think I *will* rock and roll in the same old way in fact. Hang in there everyone.

i'm gonna go drink because i have an unfulfillable longing for a kind of romantic attachment that common sense tells me is non-existent beyond fiction and i need to extinguish the pain of hopelessness

OR

i'm gonna go drink because i have an addiction (whatever that is) to intoxicants and it uses "free time" and the illusion of romantic longing to manipulate me into sating it

dun't really matter

or

it's this reality or this society I want out of, the inescapable reality of wage work and surviving thru money transactions and adventureless not-quite-poverty. a machine cycle, machine food, machine distractions, free from real hardship but absent any real life or love or joy. moans of affordable ennui but lovelessness can kill, slow and steady.

just keeping the gears turning in an obsolete machine. I am a gear

casually weighing up the lorry paused in traffic in front of me at the bus stop, vivid daydream of laying a head under one of those middle wheels then soft strawberry pop squish as it rolls forward

woman in the queue in front of me has the same pink twizzly hair as an anime girl but I don't think that's the intended reference

might die for lack of sleep or lack of love I can't really distinguish the two lately

Emmalee Bauer of Elkhart worked for the Sheraton Hotel
company in Des Moines until she was fired for using her employer's
computer to keep a journal which recorded all of her efforts
to avoid work. "This typing thing seems to be doing the trick, "
she wrote. " It just looks like I am hard at work on something
very important. "

Emmalee Bauer I salute your fortitude if this century had a place for saints you would be at the head of them

April 26. Mother is putting my new secondhand clothes in order. She prays now, she says, that I may learn in my own life and away from home and friends what the heart is and what it feels. Amen. So be it. Welcome, life! To separate labor from other activities of life and to subject it to the laws of the market is to annihilate all organic forms of existence and replace them by a different type of organization, an atomistic and individualistic one. Such a scene of destruction is best served by the application of freedom of contract. In practice this means that the noncontractual organizations of kinship, neighborhood, profession, and creed are to be liquidated since they claim the allegiance of the individual and thus restrain his freedom. To represent this principle as one of noninterference, as economic liberals are wont to do, is merely the expression of an ingrained prejudice in favor of a definite kind of interference. I go to encounter for the millionth time the reality of experience and to forge in the smithy of my soul the uncreated conscience of my race, such as will destroy noncontractual relations between individuals and prevent their spontaneous reformation.

It seems strange to me that Wu assumes that people automatically experience fragmentation as unpleasant. Dividing up one’s attention into smaller and smaller bits is a mode of mastery; it’s precisely the sort of control that remotes afford. And who always wants to get to the end of anything? The end is ultimately death. But while you are channel surfing you never need to die. The remote becomes a panegyric that lets you feel like you will live forever, as long as you can keep clicking.

the cemented-in Hazels(?) outside my office have been carpeting the pavement with catkins all week, masturbatory waste, clunking symbol of sterility

god is there any way of making life changes that doesn't involve filling out tedious long self-searching checklists? its enough to make you wrap yourself deeper in yr rut.

you could always be incredibly reckless

I fear that's what dug the rut in the first place

why can't I just die already

<3 <3 brims hugs <3

hugs that respect yr personal decisions but hugs anyway because we can't let the innocent smoothie marketing board cheapen all forms of human consolation

thx nv

this life is ridiculous

maybe 50cent can adopt me or something

the discreet charm of lying down on the pavement in the sunshine and going to sleep forever

when I lived in the suburbs I thought some of the more sumptuous lawns looked very appetising for an ultimate doze

However many species of living beings there are - whether born from eggs, from the womb, from moisture, or spontaneously; whether they have form or do not have form; whether they have perceptions or do not have perceptions; or whether it cannot be said of them that they have perceptions or that they do not have perceptions, we must lead all these beings to the ultimate nirvana so that they can be liberated. And when this innumerable, immeasurable, infinite number of beings has become liberated, we do not, in truth, think that a single being has been liberated.

diamond sutra?

yes :)

i love each phrase is unraveled by the next. it's like reading water.

love how*

drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son

or the only way, I don't know

Google Maps doing a beautiful Greenland spread today

https://www.google.com/streetview/#greenland-highlights/glacial-lake

wish I was here

same

due to algorithms youtube dot com simply will not stop recommending me 'violet' by seal

i listen most times tbh but it's been at least six weeks

idk it seemed the right thread

it's on the spectrum, yeah

https://media.licdn.com/media-proxy/ext?w=800&h=800&hash=WwVE74VP%2FHbVrBz1vhJYisK0rFg%3D&ora=1%2CaFBCTXdkRmpGL2lvQUFBPQ%2CxAVta5g-0R6j3QIOyxEmrq2OoACm7Qh2ZqHWA26hDFCpj8rYISO8L5aaJfa__h1B

nowadays waking up battered wondering how much money i wasted and where i was yesterday is a very very rare occurence, so i should recognize the progress i've made and not be too hard on myself, but jesus, ouch

it's so good knowing everything is your fault, alone, away from all sympathy including your own, hating what you're doing and watching it get worse. just sinking, resenting everyone who isn't, running out of patience, waiting for things to get to the point at which you snap and burn your bridges. the more important and essential it is that I do things, the more I feel myself just melt into the air

i hear you

only I could fuck me up this much

the chain of decisions that all seemed, if not sensible, then either reasonable or enjoyable at the time, until they add up to jfc what happened?

at times like this i like to think about shooting horse botherers

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNmzc_B2XNI

just momentarily overwhelmed more than surprised. it's the totally predictable consequence of not being invested in My Life, all my goals were just to get things to a level where i could think about that stuff as little as possible, so its mostly inertia, then making some misguidedly optimistic bad decisions that i hoped might address the underlying malaise and shift me into a better way of being. but no, i've just done a lot of damage, and now i have a lot more work to do from a worse position and some of the time it feels like it's not going to end well. this is all a lot of rubbish and i will feel better later. but sometimes all you can think about is shooting that guy, no matter the consequences

just been emailed a job ad for a lighthouse keeper on spurn head. felt like this was the one job i was cut out for until i read it and it's mostly about meeting and greeting the public amd not so much being stuck up a tower being idle and desolate all day long :(

Spurn does get cut off in the winter tho

http://www.sixthtone.com/news/lonesome-honor-keeping-lighthouse-legacy-alight

“No people; simple, repetitive work; bad air; and the seawater is not blue,” Ye says, pointing to the smoking chimneys across the water that, when the wind blows a certain way, fill the air with the smell of rotten eggs. “It’s just not what I thought it would be.”

“Lighthouse work is very easy nowadays,” Fan says. “It’s kind of like being retired. It’s just a waste of time for young people.”

Ye and his mother are Christians, and Ye met a woman at church whom he dated for a while, but things didn’t work out between them. “I react slowly; I don’t know how to express my thoughts, and sometimes my thinking is too simple,” he says. His parents and relatives made further attempts at matchmaking, but most women did not look favorably upon his career prospects and salary.

mate. <beats heart with fist emphatically>

ah, the end of the holidays and the age-old question arises: work or suicide?

answer never gets any easier

would take the lighthouse job in a heartbeat

should I spend 90 quid and my entire weekend on a John Grant curated Scando-tweetronica festival, I am v torn

https://www.hull2017.co.uk//app/uploads/2017/04/North-Atlantic-Flux-schedule-and-map.pdf

I mean Lindstrøm vs Cobby & Litten is quite aggravating

I wanna rave but I also could go see Toni Erdmann tomorrow, watch Joshua-Klitschko in the pub and eat a lot of pizza all weekend

city of culture biting me hard for the first time this year

nah that's a simple choice isn't it? Lindstrom unlikely to ever play Hull again.

North Atlantic Flux looks great but can't justify the cash this month.

the cash is a big part of my reluctance, plus I really have other domestic things I could do rather than a 4 day freakout

my inner completist won't let me just do the 2 days

leaning quite hard towards doing this anyway, I suspect it's undersold because at one time there was supposed to be a third tranche of tickets at £120+ and that's disappeared

C&L on earlier on the Saturday afternoon too by the look of it.

sleep and pizza and boxing and video games are good tho.

the fact that Gate Number 8 is ten minutes walk from my house is a lure

"He bid me lie in green land down"

do it nv, you can always take a break later

I cracked a tooth at lunchtime, second time this week, which is giving me pause in case I end up with raging toothache at some point over the weekend.

I always forget that much as I love sweet twinkly music I kinda hate gigs