Homemade Jokes

Great stuff!

Egg one is as old as the hills (usually the punchline is "un oeuf is un oeuf"). It's good though!

Un oeuf. Ein ei. Un huevo. ONE BLEEDIN’ EGG!

Going waaaaaaaay back, here's a couple of jokes me and my brother made up:

Q: What do you call a Glaswegian rock 'n' roll singer who is a recovering alcoholic?
A: Chuck Bevvy.

That was mine, this was my brother's:

Q: What do you call a Glaswegian impressionist?
A: Zack Same.

I'm sure there's more I can't remember right now.

I'm sure my brother had one about the World's Greatest Lover and road traffic, the punchline of which was Crossanova. Can't remember the actual joke though.

Presumably involves a Vauxhall Nova

Predates the Vauxhall Nova by some years.

... or maybe not, it appears the Vauxhall Nova is an old car. Apologies, I know nothing about cars.

My initiation to music took place in an old A-registration Jif-yellow Nova. Wonderful little car. There's no punchline, btw

I guess my mum totalled it and it got taken to a dump, where its furnishings were presumably incinerated. Then we upgraded. It was just like playing A-Jif in pyres

I think, the joke was something about crossing over to the other side of the road, rather than any reference to a Vauxhall Nova. A chicken may well have been involved.

Crossin' over vs cross a Nova

the dance eternal

I have a pretty good one-liner idea that I haven't found the exact right wording for, but basically:

"In the latest example of heathen liberals taking God out of everything, TGIFridays is now known as Fridays."

you hear about the grass that got recently converted? christian bale.

I really like that one

"In the latest example of heathen liberals taking God out of everything, TGIFridays is now known as Fridays."

• Spongy baked good now known simply as Food Cake.

XPs you hear about his friend that criticised his new faith? christian slater

ISIS's plan to go after solicitors of prostitution and infidels: Jon Snow, Christian Slater

Not sure if this one is original or I heard it somewhere

Q: How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I'm just asking questions!

Why don't Feeder like going to South Beach?

Cause it's a seedy playa playa playa playa

Also, their drummer committed suicide in Miami so it has bad associations for them.

omg

q: what did the lawyer say when he bought a bag of ice at 7-11 and it was kinda melted into water already?
a: the just ice system is rigged.

What's Eddie Vedder and a kid on Christmas morning got in common?

They both got hit with a surprise left.

- Honey, remember how in fall of 1976 we built a big tent on the backyard and put a stereo system there, so we could listen to music in peace?
- Yeah, I remember that! And during the holidays we invited the neighbours over and played Donna Summer and danced all night.
- It was the the winter of our disco tent.

- Should've never put that tent over Grandpa's burial plot though, especially after you lost your tools and it fell over.

- Listen, it was a grave missed stake!

knock knock
who's there?
al
al who?
al dente

that one's a little underdone

What did the atheist say when they met Jesus?
"You're Jesus? You must be Jew-king!"

When it comes to cheese varieties, I always recommend you pick the sheepest option

the key to coming up with a good tap pun is not to faucet

q: what is a juggalo's favorite breakfast?
a: a baygo

I'm dating a blind woman.

You've really got to hand it to her.

Hiyooooo

What did the farmer say when he saw a cow on his roof?
- Get down.

What did the neighbour say when he saw a cow on his roof?
- Get the farmer next door, he knows what to do.

haha

hahaha thats great

Q: What did seven-time Grammy award winning recording artist Phil Collins, the legendary frontman of British prog-rock group Genesis, as well as a respected solo artist in his own right, after leaving his former life behind him to move to Hermosillo, Mexico with the dream of becoming a landlord, after plunking down a hefty portion of his sizable life savings to acquire multiple moderately-priced apartment buildings throughout the area just so he could live out his lifelong dream of becoming a landlord and renting out small apartments to hard-working but cash-strapped Mexicans, say to his very first, very excited tenant, after of course processing their background check and contacting references, but right before handing over the keys?

A: "Aquí están las claves de su studio."

Classic, though I am a sucker for those kind of Neil Hamburger-ian absurdly long set ups that are generally way funnier than the punchline itself.

What did the farmer say when he saw a cow on his roof?
- Get down.

What did the neighbour say when he saw a cow on his roof?
- Get the farmer next door, he knows what to do.

― attention vampire (MatthewK), Friday, March 31, 2017 7:40 AM (one month ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7e-htZLNAdo

Neil Hamburger-ian absurdly long set ups

I was thinkin Norm MacDonald, but I feel ya brah

also, cow, get down

Jute Gyte walks into a bar and sits down next to another white, Nordic-looking guy.

Gyte: "Hey brother, nice to see there's still some good people left, the way the neighborhood's changing..."

Other guy: "Stop right there sir, I don't think I agree with what you're saying"

Gyte: "I didn't say anything, I'm.... Just Intoning"

xxp OMG the secret is out!

joke i wrote on my fb a while ago:

I want to write a buddy cop movie where Stephen King joins the FBI on request because he's so smart at figuring out crimes, but he needs to work with INTERPOL who have hired Jean Claude Van Damme due to his charisma and fighting prowess, so the two are forced to work together to stop maybe some diamond smugglers or something. With King as the smarts and JCVD as the brawn they face the world's scummiest criminals.

The movie would be called The Brain & Muscles From Maine & Brussels.

still one of my faves tbh

One I wasted on FaceBook before I quit it:

Banal sentence with
Right syllabic properties
Becomes lame poem

For semi-complicated reasons, we had to drive to Sikeston, Missouri, this weekend to pick up our new pooch.

While we were waiting in the parking lot, I said to sunny, Wouldn't it be wild if this was this guy's game, telling families he's got a dog for them, but they have to pick it up in Sikeston? Then when families show up and there's no dog, he sends a text that simply says.... Sike?

TSA: Mr. Kerry Livgren, we need to search your bag. The x-ray scanner shows what looks like a small child stuck in there.

Kerry Livgren: Sir, I appreciate your concern. I just wanted to carry on my wayward son.

did you hear about the time Eminem misplaced his low strong cart without fixed sides, used for carrying heavy loads?

he forgot about dray