Let's bitch about our stupid, annoying co-workers

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One of my old bosses used to keep his secret santa gift and pass it on to someone else the following year.

Gifts Secret Santa has given me in the past few years include:
- a key ring with a wee torch on it
- the novel adapted from the screenplay of Spiderman The Movie
- the cheapest most useless socket set in the world
- a Jenga set with tiny slidy plastic blocks
- a Celtic FC calendar which I wasn't allowed to hang up in the office

I should adopt my old boss's strategy.

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 10:20 (twenty years ago)

Well I hope I draw Niffy for our Secret Santa - I can pick up a wire brush and some Dettol pretty cheap.

Other 'thoughtful' gifts include: A forest of Magic Trees, a Glade plug in and a cake of carbolic soap.

― Rumpie, Wednesday, 26 October 2005 10:48 (twenty years ago)

Some departments of our company do secret santa. I wasn't invited to join in last year, even with the department I nominally belong to.

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 10:56 (twenty years ago)

None of you work in an office where you have to write what you want on a secret santa wish list, do you? I bet none of you are told you have to spend a tenner either. The wish list is up on the wall already, but nobody has written on it yet.

Last year, I got a 3 little jars of Arran Aromatics lip balm, a box of Dairy Milk and a box of liqeur chocolates that were so undoubtedly an unwanted present from last year I almost cringed visibly. 3 lip balms, 2 boxes of chocs. I mean!

This is where you all tell me I'm an ungrateful bitch.

― Mädchen (Madchen), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 11:14 (twenty years ago)

present from ~~last year~~ the previous year

― Mädchen (Madchen), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 11:15 (twenty years ago)

Somebody probably spent a lot of time deciding on the perfect gift that really was "You". It's the thought that counts, ya know.

― when something smacks of something (dave225.3), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 11:16 (twenty years ago)

If you've got spare boxes of chocolates, I'll volunteer to eat them. It's hard, but someone has to.

― One of those annoying Forest Pines who never puts weight on (ForestPines), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 11:16 (twenty years ago)

Somebody probably spent a lot of time deciding on the perfect gift that really was "You". It's the thought that counts, ya know.

The point of the wish list is to take away all need for thought, innit. I was probably quite stupid by being less specific than they wanted me to be with "something that smells nice; something that tastes nice; something small, simple and silver". Other people wrote down everything except the Argos catalogue number.

― Mädchen (Madchen), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 11:24 (twenty years ago)

Argh, it's so fucking joyless.

― Mädchen (Madchen), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 11:24 (twenty years ago)

This year, write £10 on the list.

― when something smacks of something (dave225.3), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 11:26 (twenty years ago)

it does sound like it misses half of the point of present-buying slightly.

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 11:27 (twenty years ago)

I think this is a fantastic idea. I'm feeling a bit reckless because my contract is up at the end of December and it won't be renewed so I can merrily burn bridges.

― Mädchen (Madchen), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 11:28 (twenty years ago)

.... bridges to the worst place on earth. You'd be doing everyone a a favor.

― when something smacks of something (dave225.3), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 11:31 (twenty years ago)

Last year I bought a "comedy" ceramic ashtray complete with figurine of a charicature rasta smoking a giant spliff. Thinking about it now it might even have been looked somewhat racist. Sex toys seem be the gifts of choice amongst other cow-orkers.

― ledge (ledge), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 11:46 (twenty years ago)

VIC M4S3D4 is a NINETY THOUSAND dollar a year JACKASS and he SUCKS AT HIS JOB and even though he works from 10pm to 630am he manages to annoy EVERYBODY who works here by spamming the office with his PURPOSEFULLY OBTUSE VERBIAGE complaining about how our procedures and systems all need to be changed to suit him EVEN THOUGH HE NEVER KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK HE'S DOING. FUCK YOU VIC, I JUST SENT EVERYBODY AN EMAIL MAKING FUN OF YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK AND THEN I SENT ANOTHER ONE CALLING YOU OUT IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T KNOW AN SMTP FLOOD COMING FROM A ZOMBIE LAPTOP IF IT PUNCHED YOU IN THE BOZACK.

― TOMBOT, Wednesday, 26 October 2005 11:47 (twenty years ago)

Hi my name is v1Ct0r M4s3d*! "Trend analysis" buh buh buh "negatively impacting" buh buh BUH buh buuhhhhh "existing limitations" buh buhbuh buh Buh? buh "why is the only competent member of 3rd shift being cc'd on this email to me" BUH BUH buh buh buh "accountability of pertinent events" buh buh. "Feasible practice" buh buh Buh BUH Buh buh buhbuhbuh buh buh buh.

Thanks,

v1c

― TOMBOT, Wednesday, 26 October 2005 11:52 (twenty years ago)

NINETY THOUSAND dollars is good jackass money.

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 11:54 (twenty years ago)

Bloody hell, what sort of insane hellhole do you work in?

― RickyT (RickyT), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 11:58 (twenty years ago)

An univeristy!

― Mädchen (Madchen), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 12:11 (twenty years ago)

Secret Bastard Santa. You shouldn't be allowed to choose what you want! You should buy shit and receive shit - it's traditional.

Last year a colleague of mine received STRAW SLIPPERS and a LOOFAH.

Somebody else got a stuffed camel with 'Greetings from Lanazarote' on it.

I was a miserable bitch and didn't even participate.

― Rumpie, Wednesday, 26 October 2005 12:30 (twenty years ago)

1. Boss asks me to setup a screensaver of pictures of his kid, then asks what a screensaver is

2. Boss just gave me a "warning" for upping my resolution from 800x600 to 1024x768 on a 17" CRT

3. Boss "lost his Outlook" and expects me to fix it

...and I'm a contractor handling hurricane relief fund distribution

― salvatóre, Wednesday, 26 October 2005 13:49 (twenty years ago)

Delete all pictures of his kid.

― Rumpie, Wednesday, 26 October 2005 13:52 (twenty years ago)

Photoshop all pictures of his kid.

― Mädchen (Madchen), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 13:55 (twenty years ago)

Push him into spike-filled pit or lava

― TOMBOT, Wednesday, 26 October 2005 13:57 (twenty years ago)

bluddy nora. what a cunt.

― Ste (Fuzzy), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 13:59 (twenty years ago)

guns!!!!!!!!

― jdubz (ex machina), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 14:39 (twenty years ago)

A couple of cute footnotes.

1. Boss doesn't seem to understand that the whole point of having a database is to make information easily and quickly accessible, so I spend 3-4x as much time making an endlessly redundant paper trail (including multiple stickers, a staple remover and lots of red ink) than I do actually doing real work.

2. Boss has issued edict that no set of papers shall ever have two staples in them. EVER. Need to attach a sheet to the back? Remove the staple and put a new one in. It kind of slows things down when you have 2000 things to staple courtesy of above papertrail policy, and you have to pick each one before stapling one more sheet to the back.

3. We have to PAY for coffee.

My employer shall remain nameless but I will tell you that I work for perhaps the largest labor union in the United States.

― salvatóre, Wednesday, 26 October 2005 14:55 (twenty years ago)

my coworker does not cover her mouth when she coughs

― ai lien (kold_krush), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 14:57 (twenty years ago)

she's a superAIDS carrier obv

― salvatóre, Wednesday, 26 October 2005 14:58 (twenty years ago)

Secret Santas? IT'S OCTOBER.

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 15:13 (twenty years ago)

English version: at least 15% of Christmas related activities must begin by the end of november according to the Christ Mass Regression Act 2003

American version: don't you pay attention when you go to Wal-Mart?

― salvatóre, Wednesday, 26 October 2005 16:27 (twenty years ago)

err october

not as funny when you have to re-edit :(

― salvatóre, Wednesday, 26 October 2005 16:36 (twenty years ago)

"tina" is a close talker. when standing, she moves closer to speak within a 12 inch range. if you're sitting when she approaches you, she'll remain standing but practically rest her crotch on your shoulder and correspond from above.

― nein Socken (nein Socken), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 17:19 (twenty years ago)

http://www.cc.gatech.edu/~haro/seinfeld.jpg

― n/a (Nick A.), Wednesday, 26 October 2005 17:25 (twenty years ago)

ibook/ipod girl (yes, her again) works in pictures. you'd think that by now she'd understand it's CMYK, not fucking CYMK, wouldn't you? i know it's a tiny, tiny thing, but every time i hear her say it, i want to scream.

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Thursday, 27 October 2005 10:13 (twenty years ago)

Why don't you just call it 'smick'?

― Mädchen (Madchen), Thursday, 27 October 2005 10:17 (twenty years ago)

because that would break my twee-ometer. i mean, i already have to cope with people who call a schedule a "schedders", and that makes me want to rip heads off left, right and centre.

aaaargh, someone is now sneezing repeatedly in a really ineffective and wussy way. GAAAAAAAH!

hmm. the problem really is me, not them, isn't it? gah.

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Thursday, 27 October 2005 10:20 (twenty years ago)

i love secret santa!! i hope we do one this year. (we did two years ago but not last year)

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 27 October 2005 10:22 (twenty years ago)

i heard someone call a schedule a "skehdule" once. wanted to kill him.

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 27 October 2005 10:23 (twenty years ago)

according to my oxford language toolkit, the american "sk" pronunciation is now common in britain.

i think i alternate between the two, depending on which day it is. which makes me stupid and annoying, i guess.

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Thursday, 27 October 2005 10:33 (twenty years ago)

grimly i told you before, twat her!

― not-goodwin (not-goodwin), Thursday, 27 October 2005 10:38 (twenty years ago)

I find shedule more of a pain to say because sh and d are at the front of your mouth. Skedule has a nice back-to-front rock.

― Mädchen (Madchen), Thursday, 27 October 2005 11:09 (twenty years ago)

there's still some idiots here who cannot open the office door properly.

Try pulling the handle DOWN before you push the door open YOU ARE BREAKING IT, CANNOT YOU TELL BY THE LOUD SNAP IT KEEPS MAKING WHEN YOU COME RUSHING IN !?

― Ste (Fuzzy), Thursday, 27 October 2005 11:27 (twenty years ago)

I’ve heard what’s an attachment too many times.

― not-goodwin (not-goodwin), Thursday, 27 October 2005 11:34 (twenty years ago)

Every time this guy in work sends me an email he finds a reason to send a document to the printer next to me so he can come and collect it and casually ask "Did you get that email I sent?"

"The one that you obtained delivery and read receipts for?"

"Um..."

"If you get a message that tells you I received and read the email then it means exactly that. I received and read the email."

"I wasn't trying to chase you up about it or anything."

"Good, because it wouldn't have helped your cause."

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Thursday, 27 October 2005 11:38 (twenty years ago)

"Can I have 5 minutes to discuss subject x? I've been called to a meeting tomorrow with team y to discuss where they're going with it, and so I want to get up to speed on where you think we're going."

"Is 4-ish OK?"

He's currently playing Minesweeper, having just booked his car in for a service. If he wasn't my boss' boss I'd tell him to go fuck himself. (Although there's no way he can come out of this meeting tomorrow without looking like a cunt)

― aldo_cowpat (aldo_cowpat), Thursday, 27 October 2005 13:02 (twenty years ago)

I should have said, this conversation took place at about half past one. He's still playing Minesweeper.

― aldo_cowpat (aldo_cowpat), Thursday, 27 October 2005 13:21 (twenty years ago)

What time is it now?

― jdubz (ex machina), Thursday, 27 October 2005 13:27 (twenty years ago)

Twenty to four.

Good job I don't have anything better to do than mong about on here otherwise I'd be pissed off by now.

― aldo_cowpat (aldo_cowpat), Thursday, 27 October 2005 13:38 (twenty years ago)

Jan screams, spits and throws a chunk of chewed nectarine across the room. We have a maggot. Other co-workers advise her as follows:

- Phone Asda to complain
- Throw out all the rest of the fruit you bought at the same time
- Never buy fruit from Asda again

― Mädchen (Madchen), Wednesday, 9 November 2005 10:35 (twenty years ago)

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