Homemade Jokes

So you heard Amanda Palmer announced she was going to give one of those talks again, and then cancelled it? Yeah, it was a real TED-fake.

yup

What does Snape have on his toast?

"Peanut Buttahhhhh"

DIdja hear about the trailer salesman who got fired?

All of his sales were going off without a hitch.

You finished that book on the history of scissors? I just couldn't run with it.

Q. Why is Fetty Wap so concerned with the economics of the Italian automotive industry?

A. He has a stock in his 'rari.

one i came up with when i was really sleep-deprived:
What kind of eggs can you make jam out of?
Traffic eggs

http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/z/fried-egg-shape-traffic-light-25786021.jpg?

An ape got caught up in a candy floss machine at a Verve concert. Richard Ashcroft wasn't surprised: 'Well, it's a bit of sweet chimpanzee that flies'..

one i came up with when i was really sleep-deprived:
What kind of eggs can you make jam out of?
Traffic eggs

― TARANTINO! (dog latin), Friday, April 15, 2016 4:09 AM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

What kind of eggs do you find in jam?

Traffic Eggs.

― village idiot (dog latin), Saturday, August 7, 2010 4:31 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

six years of meticulous revision!

it's a cracker!

I came here from fb hoping youd post that ape one

Cant fp u on fb see

I do it all for the fps

What do you call an agony aunt that doesn't exist when you get close?

Mirajorie Proops.

Where did the rasta cook his teryaki?

In Jah Pan!

if they do decide to ignore the results of the referendum we could call it Votey McVolte-face

Your momma's so dumb she thought abstain was what happens when a guy pulls out

Homemade gross

What do you play when you have coffee in the morning and you're in a rush? Poopmon Go

This one is quite labored and awkward, hope you like it:

Q: Where did the British Crossfit athlete go to feel better after losing the competition?
A: The Chin-Up Bar.

Nice one.

the more labored the better.

....and you two! You're as bad for encouraging him!

I heard farms will no longer produce circular bales of hay.

Cows couldn't get a square meal.

Whole Foods is getting rid of their shredded cheese.

They want to make America grate again.

I heard chefs in France only use one egg in their omelets.

They say one is un oeuf.

Great stuff!

Egg one is as old as the hills (usually the punchline is "un oeuf is un oeuf"). It's good though!

Un oeuf. Ein ei. Un huevo. ONE BLEEDIN’ EGG!

Going waaaaaaaay back, here's a couple of jokes me and my brother made up:

Q: What do you call a Glaswegian rock 'n' roll singer who is a recovering alcoholic?
A: Chuck Bevvy.

That was mine, this was my brother's:

Q: What do you call a Glaswegian impressionist?
A: Zack Same.

I'm sure there's more I can't remember right now.

I'm sure my brother had one about the World's Greatest Lover and road traffic, the punchline of which was Crossanova. Can't remember the actual joke though.

Presumably involves a Vauxhall Nova

Predates the Vauxhall Nova by some years.

... or maybe not, it appears the Vauxhall Nova is an old car. Apologies, I know nothing about cars.

My initiation to music took place in an old A-registration Jif-yellow Nova. Wonderful little car. There's no punchline, btw

I guess my mum totalled it and it got taken to a dump, where its furnishings were presumably incinerated. Then we upgraded. It was just like playing A-Jif in pyres

I think, the joke was something about crossing over to the other side of the road, rather than any reference to a Vauxhall Nova. A chicken may well have been involved.

Crossin' over vs cross a Nova

the dance eternal

I have a pretty good one-liner idea that I haven't found the exact right wording for, but basically:

"In the latest example of heathen liberals taking God out of everything, TGIFridays is now known as Fridays."

you hear about the grass that got recently converted? christian bale.

I really like that one

"In the latest example of heathen liberals taking God out of everything, TGIFridays is now known as Fridays."

• Spongy baked good now known simply as Food Cake.

XPs you hear about his friend that criticised his new faith? christian slater

ISIS's plan to go after solicitors of prostitution and infidels: Jon Snow, Christian Slater

Not sure if this one is original or I heard it somewhere

Q: How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I'm just asking questions!

Why don't Feeder like going to South Beach?

Cause it's a seedy playa playa playa playa

Also, their drummer committed suicide in Miami so it has bad associations for them.

omg

q: what did the lawyer say when he bought a bag of ice at 7-11 and it was kinda melted into water already?
a: the just ice system is rigged.