Depression and what it's really like

Godspeed you get through these hard times and into better days, dowd.

yes yes yes

take care of yourself and i hope those services that should be looking after you get their shit together and do a proper job

nameless, sourceless, creeping dread

stay up, dowd

Really hoping you find the support and material stability you need, dowd!

<3 dowd. you'll get through this.

feel like my cat is the only thing keeping me alive rn

which is also stupid

A cat is a perfectly good reason to stay alive, imo. Lyle always looks worth walking through fire for. A cat is a baseline of worth-staying-alive you can build off.

mookie, I know "<3" doesn't hack it. But <3.
Also, in the spirit of the cancer thread, fuck depression. Also silby otm.

Stress is really turning my brain to mush, but they say they'll move me next week. Can't believe how much progress has been undone so quickly.

man dowd I don't know what to say other than "much love" :(

i'm starting to give up on ever getting back to where I was in my early 30s. I've never exactly been a completely calm individual, no, but I'd reached some kind of equilibrium where I was calm most of the time and at peace. no OCD symptoms, no raging existentialist blues that lasted longer than a day.

now I feel like everything i do is wrong. and that's not an exaggeration - even facts I know I am right about I find myself double checking because I feel convinced that I'm a walking trainwreck.

Sunday I was in a weird frame of mind, ran into someone by chance I briefly had dated but am no longer interested in, and instead of just being polite, I made out with her. and regretted it after.

just a ball of rage 24/7 and much of it inwardly focused. i've missed half my therapy sessions this year due to work and/or travel and I don't think that's a coincidence.

the thing that worries me the most is last year, when I felt this way, I was actively under a lot of stress in my work and personal life. that's all gone away - the antagonizing stressors are gone but I'm not healing this time like usual. I'm just....stuck. i worry about my health to hypochondriac levels which brings on panic attacks.

tonight work was more stressful than usual but i got through it and was all ready to relax and go to a movie when I couldn't find my wallet fora n hour and now I'm just sitting here breathing slowly, ready to give it a second try in two hours.

on the plus side I have a breast cancer benefit next week that i'm helping perform in........

dowd, that sucks so bad - depression is bad enough, hard enough to deal with, but external factors that keep you unstable and on uneven footing are just straws waiting to break the camel's back. i'm so sorry that you're being forced into such a totally shit situation. i really hope something works out and you're able to get back on track.

fwiw, there was a time just after my dad's death when having a cat was one of my mom's biggest reasons to stay alive

yes, much <3 to you mookie, my friend <3

many thanks to Lyle for keeping you alive, because i want you to stay alive

A cat is a perfectly good reason to stay alive, imo.

agreed. my cats are the best thing that ever happened to me

my cat is like my only real friend

I haven't seem my dog for a fortnight now (some of you may remember me having a breakdown and posting tons of crap in one of the threads - best animal friends maybe). He had an operation just before I had to move - nothing serious, but miserable cone-head times. My mums looking after him. Could do with hugging him atm. But sooner or later, no doubt. I might try and Skype with him later.

<3 hugs <3

thanks guys <3

yesterday i read about a retired hockey player who was going to kill himself because he was having blackouts and seizures from all the concussions, but then his dog came in and he was all 'wait, who will take care of my dog?' so he stopped. (unfortunately his dog was named 'coors', but still)

best of everything to you dowd <3

You too, mookie.

big Love to all

<3 to all the ppl itt

i like having all of you around.

I'm very depressed but I'm afraid to write anything about it because I once wrote about it (on another thread) only to have an ILXer make fun of me for it. It was devastating. This thread seems really supportive, though. You all seem nice. But I'm afraid of it happening again.

You're safe here dude

Ppl take this thread very seriously - anyone being an actual dick here would get booted out asap.

Thanks guys. I really appreciate your kindness.

I think about jumping off a local, famous suspension bridge many times a day. I'm not sure if I am serious about it or am just being stupid.

I have made a lot of mistakes and need to make a lot of life changes but I don't know where I will get the energy or motivation. I've been thinking about turning to religion, like alcoholics do, but have no idea what that would actually entail or if I would be forced to adopt a worldview I don't really want to have. Staying deliberately vague here.

don't do it

any worldview you might adopt that leads you through to better times is worth adopting imo. "any port in a storm" has been, for me, a phrase of profound usefulness

it's a bit of a lucky dip but there are plenty of church ppl out there who have an open door and will speak to you in a pastoral/therapeutic role without much or any god chat

^^ and some of them have really nice music

"any port in a storm" has been, for me, a phrase of profound usefulness

i like this.

Started seeing therapist again a couple weeks ago.

Glad I did so.

Moving to a single flat on Monday, and get to see my dog today! Now I just need to find a way to get my meds when I'm not registered to a GP...

right on!

I'm so glad, dowd!

dowd I am glad you will be back in a home

Good news, dowd! I hope your new flat works out well for you and that you got some good dog time in yesterday (oh, and your meds)

things have gotten pretty bad. i don't know where this self-critical/lacerating voice comes from. i don't remember my parents ever talking to me the way i talk to myself. i am starting with a new therapist and stuff so i guess i will be fine.

i guess i am just mystified about where depression comes from. it's so maladaptive. it's stood in the way of so many things i wanted in life: jobs, relationships, educational opportunities. why is it there?

Starts in your brain, then you grow up and adapt to it by instinct without knowing what's happening, then you have the maladaptive thought patterns and the maladaptive coping mechanisms you built around them. Then you try to undo it all a bit at a time.

it's the most annoying, stupidest bullshit in the world.

Even relatively well-behaved brains can be annoying as hell.

the worst part of depression for me is the guilt. my parents are getting older and they shouldn't have to worry about me anymore.

they shouldn't have to worry about me anymore

I'm 61 and I still have to worry about my daughter who is turning 30 in a few weeks. She isn't to blame in any way for that. She can't take care of herself and she never will be able to. She didn't choose to be disabled, but I chose to be a parent, so I accept this as exactly what I signed up for. I would no more want to walk away from that job than I'd want to cut off my right hand. I love her.

I expect you have loving, caring, responsible parents, treesh. They signed up for being your parents and if they love you as they ought, they'll tell you they'll tell you truly and sincerely that there is no time limitation on that. It's part of the deal.

Yes, it may be inconvenient for them at times that you are still struggling to make your way, but compared to what you required from them for the first 10 years, I'm sure you are miles more competent and capable of self care and self guidance.

You aren't guilty of anything if you haven't somehow turned your life into a cakewalk by now. Life is hard and you can only do your best. Do that and you are acing the course.

aimless otm

I don't think I've ever explicitly talked about it here, but about five years ago, I moved back in with my mom for a year and change after a Job-like succession of bad shit happened within a shockingly short period of time and I pretty much lost the ability to properly take care of myself or care whether I could properly take care of myself. I have enough distance now to see that time as not just NBD but what I had to do in order to be well again, but at the time and for a good stretch afterward, I felt ashamed and guilty to have essentially reverted twenty years (back in the same house and room and bed as when I was in high school, with my mom having to take care of me again). Those feelings are probably perfectly natural, but aimless knows what he's talking about. The people who care about you will be there for you when you really need them the most. It comes with the gig. My mom was perfectly happy to be there for me at that time. If it helps alleviate the guilt, do like I did and provide a huge amount of free labor in the service of upgrading your parents' property value. But, coming from the master of masochism, try to take it easy on yourself. Everybody hits those emotional skids at one time or another, whether they're willing to admit it or not. You're just a human being like all the rest of us.