suicide

<3 <3 <3

glad you're still here, emil.y

listening to cece peniston, changed the lyrics to 'emil.y'

I've watched this thread for the past couple days, all the while feeling like I should say something, but I can't really come up with anything. But here goes.

I've struggled myself these last few months and I know what it's like to wake up each day with that same empty feeling, that same hopeless/helpless dynamic. You just kind of become numb to it all after a while.

I literally laughed for the first time in weeks upon failing to successfully kill myself — it made so much twisted sense that I fail at having a job, fail at having a relationship, fail at venturing out on my own in life; what's perfect for that pile is another failure to do something properly. I spent two weeks in institution trying to reconcile it. I still don't know if I have.

I take the pills they give me and talk to the people they set me up with, but I can't say if it all does anything or not. I'm still here, but I've kind of become "flat" to the whole idea of it all; like nothing really matters.

I'm 35 and feel thoroughly alone and unsuccessful. And yet, here I am.

There's two things that have kept me here:

1) Confronting that hurt, the failure and worthlessness. This pain is real. This anguish is real. I'm not crazy and I'm not just being dramatic. It exists.

And 2) Music. It's always been the foremost important thing in my life, whether playing or just listening. But now it serves as both a distraction and a savior. It doesn't bring me the same joy it did in my youth, but it is the only avenue of constant positivity I have right now, so I'm sticking with it.

I'm truly sorry to hear about your troubles, Emily. I wish I could say something that could provide some relief, even if it was just temporary. I wish we all could.

Austin I'm not in a place to think through what I wanna write right now but the awkward empathy we try to share with every ilxor at the end of their resources is definitely yours too. I don't like to talk about this stuff for fear of my own ignorance but I've been in similar places and I wish you your own way through

Austin, I think we might actually be the same person. Among other things, this particularly resonates: it made so much twisted sense that I fail at having a job, fail at having a relationship, fail at venturing out on my own in life; what's perfect for that pile is another failure to do something properly. Am kind of still too wrapped up in my own shit to know how to offer consolation/comfort/anything much to anyone else, but I wish I could. It's horrible knowing there are other people in as much pain. Though of course not trying to make your pain about me (I think my level of self-loathing is such it does always risk turning into absolute egocentrism, sorry), just... it's an awful place to be, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Emil.y (and Austin) I am v glad you failed to do this particular item properly, v v glad indeed

I am a self-confessed failure and frequently suffer from low self esteem and depression but never to the extent that I've contemplated suicide. Sometimes I like to think being dragged up has imbued some kind of ability to roll with whatever humiliations life throws at me, but that is probably cliched macho bollocks and I probably just don't know true clinical depression. I really feel sorry for you people who feel it so strong, you feel the need to take your own life because it must be truly terrible to be in that place.

When I was having a crisis a few years ago I decided to cut out thinking about what former work colleagues thought about me because I had become a "benefits scum" carer and I was hearing strong self criticism on a daily basis. I just evicted all these negative voices from my mind because fuck 'em. Sometimes I think my main motivation for remaining alive is just a stubborn desire to outlive loads of people I can't stand, and be a good failure.

Anyway all the best to brilliant poster Emil.y and all others in this place who are going through hard times.

I've been in a 'don't want to keep living' place a couple of brief interludes this winter but not a 'how exactly do I make that happen' place

Good to have you back, Emily. Please keep on keeping on (you too, Austin, and everyone else struggling).

Oh, and I asked this before, but can we get this thread de-indexed?

Otm

done

all the best to you too austin and i wish you better times ahead

Emily, oh my god, glad you're still here.

feel better emil.y

Cheers, mod.

I'm 35 and feel thoroughly alone and unsuccessful. And yet, here I am.

Been there but, believe me, 35 is nothing, you should never despair because of your age, I thought I was past it at 20. Never give up on that basis.

love you emil.y. love you austin.

Emil.y, I don't know you well but I have tons and tons of respect for you. Having the mind you have and putting ideas and opinions from it into the world (virtually or not) with what seems like zero ego-driven fear and no bullshit puts you well out of 'failure' territory. I realize that all that totally fails to address what you get out of the interactions, only what they/we get out of it.

um hi

dammit wrong thread

Don't do it bro

lol

sorry - just read the previous revive and literally LOLd

also I am clearing out bookmarks not bumping this for any other reason just to be clear

Don't do it, sis

wouldn't normally ask a irl question on ilx but not sure what to do. a friend of mine, not someone i know for a long time or necessarily that well, but someone i am close enough to, texted me to say she intends to kill herself when she gets back from a holiday she's currently on with her dad.

i'm fairly far out of my depth but i figure the best thing to do is to suggest speaking to a professional person while also being loosely positive without getting into specific responses to any of the negative things she's saying (issues with romantic relationships with people i've never met etc)

i am away myself at the moment which complicates things, but when i get home i've offered to go along and wait outside if she sees a counsellor, or arrange a call. i figure also i should try to find numbers of other older friends, or perhaps family, but i am kind of at a loss about where that becomes a betrayal of trust?

she has agreed to meet for a coffee on sunday - again i don't know whether me asking her not to do anything between now and then is dangerous or puts pressure on her. anyone got any advice or experience - i've never really been in this situation before. i tried googling and looking at samaritans etc and the advice was all for less acute situations, or so it seemed to me anyway.

i mean obv i credit you with knowing how to read a situation well, but theres no chance this is a dramatic turn of phrase as opposed to a statement of actual intent?

no, i really don't think so. like i hoped so at first but it seems really serious and dark.

I can’t offer you any advice except to say this is shit & to ask if you have seen this Mind booklet?
https://www.mind.org.uk/media/5452271/how-to-support-someone-who-feels-suicidal-2017.pdf

then yeah tbh the support youve offered seems a good move

i figure also i should try to find numbers of other older friends, or perhaps family, but i am kind of at a loss about where that becomes a betrayal of trust?

i dont know where one draws the line in "could make a bad situation worse" and obv there could be circumstances where this is v egregiously the wrong thing to do but ...... id be doing this i think

No experience to offer fh but good wishes - I feel like texting this far in advance at least suggests an openness to dialogue? Not saying she’s fishing to be talked down or whatever but just putting myself in that position & wondering why bother texting if ur gonna just do it

That’s what I thought too. I have been suicidal in the past and would not have wanted someone to stop me so I wouldn’t have said anything. Which is not the same as her not being in a very bad place. I think it’s positive if you are reaching out and not shutting yourself off.

she said she has told her dad - i don't know him obv but it sounds like this hasn't helped to change her mind. she said she will talk to crisis tho she has decided to do it, because it might at least give her a second opinion. it is a bit odd as it's someone i met in a pub and we became quite good friends quickly but mostly due to sarcasm/cynicism and a few drunken nights out. hadn't spoken in a couple of months, plus i am a good few time zones today. i might focus for the moment on suggesting we meet sunday as a sort of neutral/positive way of saying not to do anything. thanks for the help. i think i'll also mail samaritans and ask their advice.

xpost yeah wins/gyac i am hoping the same. and also not sure i'd be the person texted either, but obv fairly scary, not least since i am several timezones away and not exactly rock solid with my own mental health.

xxp yes but also, she is currently on holidays with her dad? I would possibly not do this if she’s texting someone else (&presumably not telling her actual family member), possible there’s other stuff going on there that could make the situation worse. Anyway, that’s enough from me and I hope it works out somehow.

that’ll teach me to ignore the “too slow” warning. Ok, that is good to hear!

1-800-273-8255

yeah i know thats all possible/true, gyac

focus on sunday fh, that seems a solid positive.

xp. fuck sake, whiney

best wishes to you and your friend, FH.

Whiney otm. Call them and see what official protocol is.

https://www.rethink.org/carers-family-friends/what-you-need-to-know/suicidal-thoughts-how-to-support-someone

This is a good and relevant organisation

thanks all.

FH my advice to you would be:

1. Keep checking in on your friend until she's back
2. Tell her that you're glad she told you, and you don't want her to die, and that you want to help her get through this, and that you believe in her and that she is stronger than these feelings.
3. Provide your friend with help-line information but do not do so in a way that suggests that you're trying to pass the buck, suicidality is immensely exacerbated by feelings of loneliness and isolation.
4. If you have a friend who works in mental health-- a therapist or a social worker or really anyone with experience in this-- ask your friend-who-is-suicidal if it'd be OK that you speak to that friend, and perhaps try and arrange a meeting with the three of you when you get back.

In my experience, suicidality is hugely caused by outside forces-- financial troubles, professional troubles, relationship troubles, drug or alcohol troubles. Having a friend and a third party (somebody with mental health care experience) sit down with you and try and help would be (and has been) my best-case help-situation for people going through this. Oftentimes the person-who-is-suicidal, in my experience, doesn't really need therapy so much as they need to stop drinking/doing drugs, or to get out of a toxic relationship, or they just need some distraction from a recent traumatic event.

*when she gets back, that is

1. Keep checking in on your friend until she's back

This can't be said enough. A sense of islotaion is overwhelming w acute suicidal ideation. Even if she doesn't want to talk and doesn't take your call—just seeing that you tried can be reassuring.

Best wishes, FH.

All the best, FH

Spoke to my friend today and she seemed a lot better, said she felt a lot lighter after speaking to people yesterday. I mailed Samaritans for advice on protocol, gotta say their response was a bit generic. If it happened when I was in the UK I would just phone I guess.

Still, it seems like things are better today, thanks again, all.