maybe tomorrow i'll wake up and feel different. i was starting to feel better before i went to bed last night and then i wake up again covered in cobwebs of mind dirt.
― lute bro (brimstead), Sunday, 14 February 2016 23:11 (eight years ago) link
or something
Crap about "fitting in" and "selling yourself." I haven't got the energy or the will to do either. I just want it out of the way.
feeling this hard
― lute bro (brimstead), Sunday, 14 February 2016 23:12 (eight years ago) link
http://mnftiu.cc/blog/images/filing.001.gif
― lute bro (brimstead), Sunday, 14 February 2016 23:19 (eight years ago) link
i find the current incarnation of david rees kind of depressing
― rip van wanko, Sunday, 14 February 2016 23:50 (eight years ago) link
didn't even know he had a tv show until just now
― lute bro (brimstead), Sunday, 14 February 2016 23:55 (eight years ago) link
there's this sanctimonious windbag in my recovery group who pulls the fucking "we" card constantly, like "us addicts, we're all master manipulators". speak for yourself, fuckface, i am NOT a manipulative person!!
― lute bro (brimstead), Monday, 15 February 2016 00:36 (eight years ago) link
So glad to hear you reject that notion brimstead. It's one of my pet peeves.
After a couple of decades of working around and with long-term street drug users (mostly low-income), I've come to the conclusion they're no more manipulative than your average caffeinated middle manager (or myself for that matter). If anything the issue is that the latter disguises his manipulations, so you don't notice it as easily.
― never have i been a blue calm sea (collardio gelatinous), Monday, 15 February 2016 04:01 (eight years ago) link
yeah, for awhile i was just kind of uncritically accepting all these things in the name of humility... and constantly wrestling with my identity and self-esteem... my attitude was sort of "well of course, since i'm terrible in general, i'm probably manipulative too". so my 'identity' gets all jumbled up, AND i end up constantly thinking "am i depressed or am i just a lazy sociopath who's 'manipulating people'". fuck that shit. ask anybody i've lived with/worked with/dated and not a single one would call me "manipulative", i KNOW that.
― lute bro (brimstead), Monday, 15 February 2016 04:13 (eight years ago) link
i don't manipulate anyone in any way other than a wish that maybe they will like me.
― clouds, Monday, 15 February 2016 04:18 (eight years ago) link
Good for you, brimstead, for rejecting that line of thinking. Guilt can be so toxic for people with depression, it's sort of unbelievable how substance recovery programs aren't more sensitive to that danger. iirc AA forces everyone to "make amends," even if you never did anything that bad
― Agent Zero (Treeship), Monday, 15 February 2016 04:36 (eight years ago) link
totally. i mean, i'm definitely NOT doing the steps lol, that is just not gonna happen ANYTIME soon.
the program i attend is very progressive (for the U.S.), from what I understand... the refrain i hear over and over (from people who have gone through other programs) is: "they actually care about you here". the DA hates them of course, lol.
― lute bro (brimstead), Monday, 15 February 2016 04:52 (eight years ago) link
anyway, that's for another thread
― lute bro (brimstead), Monday, 15 February 2016 04:53 (eight years ago) link
i have no advice for anyone in this thread, only love. i pray that you can find peace.
― get a long, little doggy (m bison), Monday, 15 February 2016 05:17 (eight years ago) link
thanks, man.
― lute bro (brimstead), Monday, 15 February 2016 05:51 (eight years ago) link
hey jon not jon, i don't suppose you're referring to alvin b there?
― just1n3, Monday, 15 February 2016 06:08 (eight years ago) link
m bison OTM
brimstead, clouds, Jon, emil.y, all excellent posters and clearly decent humans, love to u all
― the 'major tom guy' (sleeve), Monday, 15 February 2016 07:39 (eight years ago) link
Xpost yeah
― scarcity festival (Jon not Jon), Monday, 15 February 2016 12:13 (eight years ago) link
I live in the Bay Area and have published artists like frank santoro and kim deitch so I was acquainted with him as well . Very shocking news.
― just1n3, Monday, 15 February 2016 16:58 (eight years ago) link
thanks mb & sleeve
― clouds, Monday, 15 February 2016 17:36 (eight years ago) link
people (well two people) keep telling me this is just a temporary setback.. but as bad as i feel now, i'm pretty sure i'm just going to feel worse more and more frequently the older i get. trust me when i say i'm a bigger fuckup than anybody on this thread. i'm only going to get more miserable, more stressed out. hate this planet. hate it.
― lute bro (brimstead), Wednesday, 17 February 2016 06:14 (eight years ago) link
best i can hope for: - job that only makes me want to kill myself once or twice per week- that's it
― lute bro (brimstead), Wednesday, 17 February 2016 06:16 (eight years ago) link
i feel like being dropped out of a plane or something
― lute bro (brimstead), Wednesday, 17 February 2016 06:19 (eight years ago) link
parents, man. parents.
― lute bro (brimstead), Wednesday, 17 February 2016 06:20 (eight years ago) link
Last night I was telling my wife about the nightmares I've been having. And that I'm sure I could take out my dad with kicks to the leg and liver shots. How he's not even the one I'm mad at; I'm not mad at anybody anymore, but I can't drive halfway across the country and try to act like things are okay. I don't know if I can make it halfway across the country. I might stop along the way and get drunk in a motel. forever.
this shit comes and goes for me. brimstead, I hope you'll be okay.
― Zachary Taylor, Wednesday, 17 February 2016 06:30 (eight years ago) link
thanks man. same to you. i had a lot of hope last year but it's all fading away. i need to hold onto that, though.
― lute bro (brimstead), Wednesday, 17 February 2016 06:35 (eight years ago) link
i don't know if it's possible to mask depression with improved competence, but i'm starting to think i've slid back into a serious bout without realising it, because i've been holding it together enough at work for nobody else to notice. and there's nobody else to notice.
or alternatively i'm in the middle of some overwhelming sadness and aboulia and it isn't depression and therefore i can't think it out or deal with it in the same way. i don't know if any of those distinctions are real or meaningful.
medical models do nothing for me now.
― Szechuan TV (Noodle Vague), Saturday, 5 March 2016 11:33 (eight years ago) link
I'm really sorry if the thought of arsenal winning the title has contributed
― Ecomigrant gnomics (darraghmac), Saturday, 5 March 2016 11:55 (eight years ago) link
i've been having a rough time of it lately because for me, depression is a matter of being trapped inside myself, and i try to cope by looking outside and trying to relate to the bigger world. but lately what i see when i do is more fucked up and crazy than the evil stuff that's in my head. and i know i'm not alone, that millions of people are being fucked up by all this the same way i am, and that just seems so much worse than regular depression. i wish so hard that i was the most miserable sonofabitch on the planet.
― diana krallice (rushomancy), Saturday, 5 March 2016 12:36 (eight years ago) link
Much love for everyone one this thread, for what it's worth.
One of the worst things about depression is how selfish it can make me; there's nothing like suffering to make you self-centred. So, that said
Because I've been made homeless I've been put in emergency housing in a place I don't know, far away from my support network. It's a much bigger place than I'm used to, and in the top 5 deprived areas of Scotland. I've had to leave my GP and my psychiatrist, and my CPN, and I'm trying to recreate those relationships but it takes a long time to get a psych referral in an area as impoverished as this. I've never been this isolated, and it's terrifying and dangerous (in a suicide/SPF harm kind of way). The guy I'm sharing the flat with is an active heroin user, who has people coming in and out all the time. I have no moral problem with heroin users - they mostly strike me as very sad and empty. But it wouldn't be a plus when looking to live with someone.
I even went to one of my usual support network, the church; which was very fri sly and welcoming and ended with the minister affirming that gay people go to hell (the Church of Scotland is currently undergoing an argument/schism about such things, which has forced me away from the kirk), so my visit ended with the minister and I having a big argument at the door of the church. Then I sat and cried. I'm trying to get involved in stuff, but I might be here for a month or a year, while I wait for a council house. And I feel like crap, and am already falling into old thought patterns planning suicide/self harm. But where I would normally call my CPN or my psychiatrist I have no one here. Blech, given time it might tun out okay. Nil annoyed the council ignore the NHS advice that I should stay near my support network. I can see why so many homeless people have mental health issues. But I will add that I've slept rough in Glasgow before, and that is no fun. At least here I have a roof over my head.
― inside, skeletons are always inside, that's obvious. (dowd), Tuesday, 8 March 2016 14:52 (eight years ago) link
Godspeed you get through these hard times and into better days, dowd.
― calzino, Tuesday, 8 March 2016 15:48 (eight years ago) link
yes yes yes
take care of yourself and i hope those services that should be looking after you get their shit together and do a proper job
― Szechuan TV (Noodle Vague), Tuesday, 8 March 2016 17:26 (eight years ago) link
nameless, sourceless, creeping dread
― stanley krubrick (rip van wanko), Tuesday, 8 March 2016 18:20 (eight years ago) link
stay up, dowd
― clouds, Tuesday, 8 March 2016 19:23 (eight years ago) link
Really hoping you find the support and material stability you need, dowd!
― one way street, Tuesday, 8 March 2016 20:19 (eight years ago) link
<3 dowd. you'll get through this.
― lute bro (brimstead), Tuesday, 8 March 2016 20:19 (eight years ago) link
feel like my cat is the only thing keeping me alive rn
which is also stupid
― mookieproof, Thursday, 10 March 2016 06:19 (eight years ago) link
A cat is a perfectly good reason to stay alive, imo. Lyle always looks worth walking through fire for. A cat is a baseline of worth-staying-alive you can build off.
― petulant dick master (silby), Thursday, 10 March 2016 06:22 (eight years ago) link
mookie, I know "<3" doesn't hack it. But <3. Also, in the spirit of the cancer thread, fuck depression. Also silby otm.
― ljubljana, Thursday, 10 March 2016 15:10 (eight years ago) link
Stress is really turning my brain to mush, but they say they'll move me next week. Can't believe how much progress has been undone so quickly.
― inside, skeletons are always inside, that's obvious. (dowd), Thursday, 10 March 2016 16:46 (eight years ago) link
man dowd I don't know what to say other than "much love" :(
― Neanderthal, Friday, 11 March 2016 00:33 (eight years ago) link
i'm starting to give up on ever getting back to where I was in my early 30s. I've never exactly been a completely calm individual, no, but I'd reached some kind of equilibrium where I was calm most of the time and at peace. no OCD symptoms, no raging existentialist blues that lasted longer than a day.
now I feel like everything i do is wrong. and that's not an exaggeration - even facts I know I am right about I find myself double checking because I feel convinced that I'm a walking trainwreck.
Sunday I was in a weird frame of mind, ran into someone by chance I briefly had dated but am no longer interested in, and instead of just being polite, I made out with her. and regretted it after.
just a ball of rage 24/7 and much of it inwardly focused. i've missed half my therapy sessions this year due to work and/or travel and I don't think that's a coincidence.
the thing that worries me the most is last year, when I felt this way, I was actively under a lot of stress in my work and personal life. that's all gone away - the antagonizing stressors are gone but I'm not healing this time like usual. I'm just....stuck. i worry about my health to hypochondriac levels which brings on panic attacks.
tonight work was more stressful than usual but i got through it and was all ready to relax and go to a movie when I couldn't find my wallet fora n hour and now I'm just sitting here breathing slowly, ready to give it a second try in two hours.
on the plus side I have a breast cancer benefit next week that i'm helping perform in........
― Neanderthal, Friday, 11 March 2016 00:39 (eight years ago) link
dowd, that sucks so bad - depression is bad enough, hard enough to deal with, but external factors that keep you unstable and on uneven footing are just straws waiting to break the camel's back. i'm so sorry that you're being forced into such a totally shit situation. i really hope something works out and you're able to get back on track.
― just1n3, Friday, 11 March 2016 02:02 (eight years ago) link
fwiw, there was a time just after my dad's death when having a cat was one of my mom's biggest reasons to stay alive
― a little too mature to be cute (Aimless), Friday, 11 March 2016 04:04 (eight years ago) link
yes, much <3 to you mookie, my friend <3
― just1n3, Friday, 11 March 2016 06:20 (eight years ago) link
many thanks to Lyle for keeping you alive, because i want you to stay alive
― sarahell, Friday, 11 March 2016 07:00 (eight years ago) link
A cat is a perfectly good reason to stay alive, imo.
agreed. my cats are the best thing that ever happened to me
― HYPERLINK TO RAP GENIUS (BradNelson), Friday, 11 March 2016 12:38 (eight years ago) link
my cat is like my only real friend
― #amazing #babies #touching (harbl), Friday, 11 March 2016 12:51 (eight years ago) link
I haven't seem my dog for a fortnight now (some of you may remember me having a breakdown and posting tons of crap in one of the threads - best animal friends maybe). He had an operation just before I had to move - nothing serious, but miserable cone-head times. My mums looking after him. Could do with hugging him atm. But sooner or later, no doubt. I might try and Skype with him later.
― inside, skeletons are always inside, that's obvious. (dowd), Friday, 11 March 2016 14:37 (eight years ago) link
<3 hugs <3
― Szechuan TV (Noodle Vague), Friday, 11 March 2016 14:44 (eight years ago) link