hey gawker dudes. what the fuck is wrong with you?

a list of food i will likely not eat but might if they're made by someone who really knows what they're doing but otherwise probably not:

extremity, genital and offal related meats: prairie oysters, chitlins, pigs/chicken feet, headcheese, etc
things made with effluvia: birds nest soup, blood sausage, whatever kinda weird cow semen taco you got that's gonna be a no
greek yogurt (this one sucks because i love it but i figured out it fucks me up real bad and causes a few hours of violent stomach cramps)
things served live: crustaceans by and large are fine, but i am not down with your ikizukuri gasping flash fried fish or oldboy style octopus
things that i have been socially indoctrinated not to eat: no dog, no cat, no horse, no gerbil, basically none of the littlest pet shop food groups
birds of prey
most anything semi-regularly bipedal: kangaroos, gorillas, teenagers, pangolins, ASIMO (notable exception: ratites)
cinnamon challenge
probably reptile, i dunno, i reserve the right to change my mind
heavy mayonnaise on basically anything
anything where i'm concerned the people prepping or serving the food have seriously questionable hygiene
szechuan cooking tends not to agree with me. i think it is probably the chili oil and it is a bummer because the food tastes great and then fucks me up
crrrrrrrrraaazy food where the real benefit of the food is the shock value that i'm eating slugs wrapped in squid tentacles or whatever
creatine
been in the purse too long candy
anything where no one is entirely clear wtf the thing is that's being eaten: mystery "fish", pizza with chopped something on top, street hot dogs

so to review:
Whalemeat - i guess
grasshoppers - yeah, done that before, insects as long as they're not live are protein but please remove leg/wings
horse sashimi - no
baked beans - good by me

i don't think i have food that i don't eat because i don't like the taste; it's just that i have a mental or physical aversion

probably reptile, i dunno, i reserve the right to change my mind

alligator is good

yeah, i've never had it but i totally would
there's a video i ended up watching for no reason i can justify of a man flaying and prepping a gator carcass while his dogs circle him and pulling out the loin and calling it a "sweetroll" and yet i could still kinda go for trying it.
i really recommend watching this. it's weirdly fascinating.

why am i watching this again. i've already watched it like three times. it's like because it's a reptile, it's not a real dead thing somehow.

goddamn, the "big white jaw meat"
oh and its a "jellyroll" down by the tail, not a sweetroll.
and the the pig and the dog run around for awhile.

Roo steak is really good eating, and very healthy - low fat. Its ok to eat, cos we need to cull a lot of em anyway.

Also,no shade meant tune! I had the same thinking "oh come on just make the kids eat" til I experienced it. And I'm a non-fussy eater for the most part also, tho I draw the line at fckin cilantro, the devils leaf.

"To be clear, he was raised by parents who offered a variety of foods.....his father is a graduate of the Culinary Institute of America after all!"

― J0rdan S., Thursday, February 11, 2016 11:54 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark

your dad was CIA? damn

i've worked events for the NRA (National Restaurant Association) and the CIA (Culinary Institute of America) and i was like "okay, clearly you guys like fucking with people with these names"

I am down with most of the forks list of foods to avoid except for Greek yogurt which I eat a lot of (although you've given me pause to consider whether that contributes to some of my more regular gi ailments).

Also there is something about cauliflower and rhubarb that I find almost primally repulsive.

roo is A+ red meat. I wouldn't trust it outside of Australia though, based on a wildly optimistic experience in Glasgow once. come visit, forks!

And I'm a non-fussy eater for the most part also, tho I draw the line at fckin cilantro, the devils leaf.

coriander 100% essential in a banh mi imo

I didn't think it was possible, but the cilantro-aversion can be trained away with enough good tacos and Vietnamese food. I still don't seek it out, but I don't pick it off of dishes when it shows up anymore.

Raw tomato is a real and common food sensitivity, but the discovery that you don't have to cook tomatoes much at all to make the gaggy acid go away -- like 10 seconds in a super hot frying pan or grill w/some olive oil -- massively improved my life.

Cilantro is fine in moderation. It's just that most dishes with cilantro contain an immoderate amount of cilantro.

in my experience the most effective palate-broadening parenting technique is for the child to be allowed to refuse foods, but for them to be subtly shamed & ostracised for being such a fussy baby until they shovel whatever heinous veg has been offered into their mouth just to avoid further humiliation

but seriously making a battle over meal times is counterproductive, things taste weird when you're a kid, you relearn how to eat when you're a teenager anyway

just realised what this was all about and jesus christ j0rdan

We always let our kid help make dinner in some way which actually makes him more interested in trying it.

cauliflower profile - if you toss it in a vitamix and purée it, it winds up not dissimilar in texture to mashed potatoes. add some salt and pepper and butter, mix it up, toss parmesan on top, and bake it til the top is brown and voilà! not inedible.

i think most people are picky eaters as teenagers (the things i wouldn't eat...avocadoes and aubergines bc of the texture, a lot of land animal meat bc gristle and fat grossed me out, peppers bc...i have no idea) but there's a point in early adulthood where everything CLICKS and it's like another world has been opened when you realise you can and will eat anything

i can understand not trying foods bc of inertia i guess, like why would you actively eat a banana if you never cared to, but bananas OR raisins OR pineapples, none of them crossed your path?

i'm in agreement w TTWS re: how great it is to have as wide a variety of culinary experiences as possible, a lot of the time at restaurants i'll choose something i've never had before just out of curiosity.

in theory i'm in the "eat what you're given or nothing at all" approach to raising children (and it was how i was raised) but yeah i see this is not so easy in practice, this is basically why i don't want kids. i have no patience at all with adult fussy eaters! (obv not vegetarian/vegan/medical reasons but the kind who will flat-out refuse to venture out of their tiny tiny comfort zone and make everyone go to a pizza express instead of somewhere interesting.)

Just getting out of my parents' house opened up the world of food for me. What a revelation it was to discover the exotic foods beyond those made by La Choy and Old El Paso.

just straight eating a banana is super dull imo. whenever i pack one in my lunch i look at it and squint

wow you're so cool you hate bananas

i am wondering what role economic class plays in this. because i grew up fairly poor and my hippie parents made money before i was born by making stir fried rice in batches big enough to load in a garbage bag and sell on the highway so when they made moussaka or corned beef and cabbage or eggplant parmesan or junket or whatever else they pulled from the joy of cooking / whole earth catalog / moosewood cookbook / julia child, that was what we had to eat and there wasn't many times I remember refusing anything... cause there was just nothing else!

extremity, genital and offal related meats: prairie oysters, chitlins, pigs/chicken feet, headcheese, etc

sweetbreads are amazing. finally got to eat brains (in a curry) at my birthday meal last year! they were delicious. bone marrow always makes things better. have eaten pigs' trotters and they don't seem worth it. never eaten genital-related dishes, prob would though. always think eyes might be where i draw the line but this has never been put to the test

things made with effluvia: birds nest soup, blood sausage, whatever kinda weird cow semen taco you got that's gonna be a no

mmmm black pudding, amazing in a scotch egg

things served live: crustaceans by and large are fine, but i am not down with your ikizukuri gasping flash fried fish or oldboy style octopus

haha this might be a limit of mine too

things that i have been socially indoctrinated not to eat: no dog, no cat, no horse, no gerbil, basically none of the littlest pet shop food groups
birds of prey
most anything semi-regularly bipedal: kangaroos, gorillas, teenagers, pangolins, ASIMO (notable exception: ratites)

have eaten kangaroo, it's nice. the trouble with horse is that i've only ever seen it on french restaurant menus and if i'm in a french restaurant there are like 10 other things i'm salivating over a bit more

probably reptile, i dunno, i reserve the right to change my mind

alligator is really nice. i've had python carpaccio, that was interesting!

i'd like to have opportunity to try insects more, i've had some sort of caramelised mealworm thing that wasn't as weird as i thought it would be, i feel like ~whole insects might be a push - squeamishness less re: the actual consumption but the thought of getting, like, antennae stuck in my teeth. but i would try, i think.

balut, and that sardinian maggot cheese, are almost certainly over my limit

finally got to eat brains (in a curry) at my birthday meal last year!

(and yes this definitely led to me rapping nicki minaj over the table of a michelin starred restaurant at my bf)

lex, if Gawker paid you would you boil water on camera?

sure, but my bf has improved my kitchen skills to the extent where i can almost grate a block of cheese adequately now

although i was made to mix butter and sugar together purely as entertainment for our guests at a recent dinner party :(

hahaha alfred beat me to my exact zing

sure, but my bf has improved my kitchen skills to the extent where i can almost grate a block of cheese adequately now

― cher guevara (lex pretend), Friday, February 12, 2016 10:20 AM (4 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

!!!

i think most people are picky eaters as teenagers (the things i wouldn't eat...avocadoes and aubergines bc of the texture, a lot of land animal meat bc gristle and fat grossed me out, peppers bc...i have no idea) but there's a point in early adulthood where everything CLICKS and it's like another world has been opened when you realise you can and will eat anything

this for sure. i was very picky as a kid/teenager, ate mostly bland foods, all kinds of things i had never tried. then in college i got in a band and started traveling with older dudes who valued trying whatever new foods were around, and started dating a girl who was similarly inclined. i didn't want to appear picky or narrow-minded so i faked it until i made it, and now i am known near & wide for eating everything. social pressure is important.

fyi i would certainly do these things on camera for money

i feel like i've spent much of my adult life making up for all the avocadoes i rejected as a teenager

^^^ first line of your memoir

organ meats in general are things i eat because i'm conditioned to think of "eating a thing I haven't eaten before" as inherently interesting and valuable. But in general I think there's a reason we mostly eat muscle, the muscle is the best part.

Winners:
excellent sweetbreads are excellent (but I would only order this in a fancy place, indifferent sweetbreads not worth the money)
foie gras (but there's the cruelty issue)
heart (but only technically an organ, this is basically muscle)

Fine:

Tripe, omasum: these are fine, and they work in a "variety meat" mix / soup, but whenever I order a dish that's mostly this I feel like I'd slightly rather have had muscle

Chopped liver: would never order this off a menu, but enjoy it in a "post-bar-mitvah kiddush" or similarly culturally weighted context

Not for me:

crab lung

brain -- just kind of mild, like a much less interesting sweetbread to me

hunk of liver

kidney -- worst thing I've ever eaten, what the fuck is wrong with you britishes

there's a point in early adulthood where everything CLICKS and it's like another world has been opened when you realise you can and will eat anything

btw this is otm and reflects my experiences with eggs, anchovies, and men

nice

on second thought i have enjoyed sweetbread, liver and osso bucco on occasion. again, it's the mental issues that are problematic with offal and having never eaten them as a kid.
balut falls into the category of crrrrrrrrraaaazy food for me but it's common enough for much of a continent!

but I would only order this in a fancy place

a loooooot of foods i took against as a teenager were because i'd had a substandard version of them; a great cook makes such a difference

Osso bucco is marvelous but, yeah, the cook makes the difference.

I'll never warm to liver. Eating a la italiana can't hide its muddy taste.

man, the weird food google search rabbit hole led me to this thing and no
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kiviak

This is Kiviak, a traditional winter foodstuff consumed by Greenlandic Inuits. It may look like a seal's carcass stuffed with whole, fermented birds because, well, it is. Kiviak is relatively simply to make. First, collect approximately 400 Auks. Then, stuff them—beaks, feathers, feet, and all—into the hollowed-out body cavity of a seal, Tauntaun-style. Next, press out as much air as possible from the carcass and seal it with seal grease to prevent spoilage. Finally cover the meat bag with a large rock pile for approximately 3-18 months. During this time, the Auks ferment within the seal until they can be eaten—raw. Thanks to a layer of fat within the seal sack, the Auks soften while they ferment allowing every part of the bird—save feathers—to be consumed.

i certainly get it as necessary for the environment and the culture but sport eating here is pretty heavy on the crrrrrrrraaazy

I'll never warm to liver. Eating a la italiana can't hide its muddy taste.

― The burrito of ennui (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Friday, February 12, 2016 10:38 AM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

what about chicken fried with some grilled onions

yeah, that's higado a la italiana more or less

nah i'm talking closer to this http://images.media-allrecipes.com/userphotos/720x405/808324.jpg

nope too muddy I think you meant this:

https://tomfernandez28.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/o-john-dean-mitch-mcconnell-facebook.jpg

one of our toddlers' favorite meals is fried chicken livers with onions and rice

toddler otm

my godson was eating mushroom risotto, grilled snapper, and Brussel sprouts at 18 months, which thrilled me.

a loooooot of foods i took against as a teenager were because i'd had a substandard version of them

See also: liquor. People who dismiss things like gin, or tequila, or bourbon outright surely bought the cheapest, easiest to attain version of them at an impressionable age, drank too much and got sick, then blamed the spirit but not the quality. I've seen people (adults and children alike) caught in this same vicious cycle, of sticking to an inferior/plain/boring version of something and then wondering why they don't like it. I've had friends who didn't like Chinese food because ever since they were kids they would order the gross, sticky, boring sweet and sour chicken. Well, of course you don't like Chinese food, because what you've been eating is not it! Same with gin cocktails, or tequila/rum (if they're accustomed to impure swill) or bourbon (if they got drunk on Jack Daniels once in college, swigging from the plastic bottle in a cornfield).

That said, I've eaten immaculately prepared lamb brains, but I'll never eat them again. Like savory melted marshmallows.

My kids are both super picky in totally different ways, with maddeningly little rhyme or reason.

I've had friends who didn't like Chinese food because ever since they were kids they would order the gross, sticky, boring sweet and sour chicken.

what kid doesn't like this? my kids are crazy for crap steam-table panda-express level chinese food though they're happy to eat better stuff too