Men - do you use the fly or "keyhole" opening in your underwear when you go to the loo?

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I saw a gay porn magazine once that was exclusively photos of men with erections sticking out of their tighty whitey keyholes.

Good lord, I can't imagine trying to maneuver an erect penis through those convoluted tighty-whitey Y-flaps. You might never get it back.

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Monday, 28 November 2005 23:54 (eighteen years ago) link

Nate raises an important point! I don't normally keyhole -- but as soon as I'm in a nice pair of dress trousers, with a light fabric, hook and button waist, a nice belt, and a carefully tucked-in shirt, and suddenly the keyhole becomes an much easier route. In all other instances, though, I don't entirely get it; I usually wear boxer briefs, so using the flap there involves the same kind of convoluted fishing-around as with tighty whities. (I mean, you are pulling your sex organ between two pieces of fabric that usually overlap by several inches; the hand effort required to keep them open, as opposed to Indiana-Jonesing you, is probably more than with the simple tuck-down.)

Have you seen these guys at urinals who tuck the briefs down under their balls, so it catches there and they have their hands free? I mean, this isn't that strange of a thing to do, I don't think -- like, at home -- but I'm sometimes amazed that people will tuck under at a public urinal and then be all leaning back and streching their arms up in the air and stuff.

― nabisco (nabisco), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 00:10 (eighteen years ago) link

The more I think about it, the more I just don't get the notion that you're meant to easily pull yourself out of the tight/white style overlap. I mean, that'd be like reaching in and pulling an arm through the front of a double-breasted suit.

― nabisco (nabisco), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 00:13 (eighteen years ago) link

"several inches"

― dr. william idol (dr g), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 00:14 (eighteen years ago) link

it is an awkward game

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 00:16 (eighteen years ago) link

Okay, good point, like an inch and a half. Still, though.

Also hold the phone: I take back what I said about hooking the underwear underneath the scrotum -- I just went to the bathroom, and now I think this is what I do. Not the hands-in-the-air bizarro part, but yeah, using the scrotum as a kind of hook under which to tuck the waistband. But I dunno, maybe the thread just made me self-conscious and hyper-aware and I wound up doing something different.

― nabisco (nabisco), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 00:19 (eighteen years ago) link

Wow.

― Dan (Talk About TMI!) Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 00:23 (eighteen years ago) link

it takes practice pulling your "arm" through "several inches" of fabric

― dr. william idol (dr g), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 00:23 (eighteen years ago) link

Thanks for ruining "Throw your hands in the air/And wave them like you just don't care" forever, nabisco.

― Dan (While Using Your Scrotum As A Hook For Your Waistband) Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 00:26 (eighteen years ago) link

I had no idea so many grown men wore tightywhities.
I use the peehole keyhole. With boxers, it's easier than undoing my belt, unbuttoning, unzipping, etc. Unbuckling the belt would necessitate intricate body positioning in order to keep my pants from dropping.

― oops (Oops), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 00:46 (eighteen years ago) link

http://cache.boston.com/bonzai-fba/Original_Photo/2005/03/24/1111675740_2845.jpg

― Lemmy Caution (sleep), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 00:53 (eighteen years ago) link

If you're going to go the keyhole route with the pants, then you have to do the same with the undies. You can't very well go through the pants keyhole put pull the undies down with a thumb.

?!?!?! This has been my method for as long as I can remember.

(I haven't had any roofies lately, either.)

― I do feel guilty for getting any perverse amusement out of it (Rock Hardy), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 01:03 (eighteen years ago) link

I usually go through the zip fly and over the waistband. Going through the y-front of boxer briefs can prevent the full length of the shaft from being... uh, shakeable when you're done. Any excess "slack" bound up in fabric binding may still contain treacherous pee which leaks out after you're all tucked away again. (This problem is especially difficult if you are not in a good position to urinate, e.g. pissing into a gatorade bottle in your car out of sheer desperation.)

Come to think of it, does anyone else shake? Besides Robbie Williams, I mean.

― elmo (allocryptic), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 01:05 (eighteen years ago) link

I'm not sure anyone's copped to wearing tighty whities on here, oops -- but boxer-briefs/jockeys have pretty much the same front-flap design.

― nabiscothingy, Tuesday, 29 November 2005 01:07 (eighteen years ago) link

I have tighties, but they're not white. You all know this already.

But yeah, regardless... no, never use the fly on the undies. If the pants are really big and loose and my belt is really complicated or something, sometimes i'll use the fly on the pants, but never on the undies. It just seems risky to me. Like a recipe for pissy panties.

― Paunchy Stratego (kenan), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 01:11 (eighteen years ago) link

Come to think of it, does anyone else shake?

Maybe a bit, but usually I use a single square of tp and dab.

― Paunchy Stratego (kenan), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 01:13 (eighteen years ago) link

Like a recipe for pissy panties.

This explains so many ILE posts.

― Dan (For Real) Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 01:13 (eighteen years ago) link

Urinals notwithstanding. But urinals are a design mistake anyway.

― Paunchy Stratego (kenan), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 01:13 (eighteen years ago) link

Have you seen these guys at urinals who tuck the briefs down under their balls, so it catches there and they have their hands free?

Ew. Splashback. You have to be careful with urinals, you know, if you don't want spotted knees.

― Paunchy Stratego (kenan), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 01:22 (eighteen years ago) link

The Business Executive Hand-on-hips Piss Pose -- practical sanitary urination mechanism, or pointless toilet room meme invented by cockfarmers?

― dali madison's nut (donut), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 01:24 (eighteen years ago) link

The easiest way to avoid urinal splashback is to not hump the urinal.

― Dan (No One Wants To See Your Cock Except For That One Guy) Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 01:24 (eighteen years ago) link

at the urinal, what are the alternatives to the shake? do people perpetually have bits of Bounty woven into their leg hair or something?

― oops (Oops), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 01:32 (eighteen years ago) link

The easiest way to avoid urinal splashback is to not hump the urinal.

That's not foolproof, though. It's a shame that we have these great things that can aim pee, but the urinal by its design gives us nowhere to aim it that's totally splash-free. You have to kind of angle it down the back wall and hope for the best. If I were king, urinals would have 8-inch deep and four-inch wide drains, so you could aim and go full-stream without fear.

― Paunchy Stratego (kenan), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 01:48 (eighteen years ago) link

ahh, so many jokes

― dr. william idol (dr g), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 01:50 (eighteen years ago) link

Unless you've got bladder pressure that could rival a firehose, the intrinsic parabolic design of the back of a urinal is meant to make it about as hard as it can be to splash urine on yourself.

― Dan (Old Faithful) Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 01:52 (eighteen years ago) link

I disagree. Perhaps you do not make as much pee as I.

― Paunchy Stratego (kenan), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 01:54 (eighteen years ago) link

http://www.straightdope.com/columns/030509.html

― Dan (Science Says You Are Fucking Nasty) Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 01:56 (eighteen years ago) link

Good lord, I can't imagine trying to maneuver an erect penis through those convoluted tighty-whitey Y-flaps
I think it's like the pear-in-the-liqueur-bottle thing. You get it in position before it's so big.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 02:00 (eighteen years ago) link

Now I'm getting off this boy thread. Ew.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 02:02 (eighteen years ago) link

http://www.marketlaunchers.com/wilkin3.gif

Uninals by H.R.Geiger and Georgia O'Keefe.

― Paunchy Stratego (kenan), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 02:08 (eighteen years ago) link

in all my philosophie i never suspected the unzip/ pull-down boxers with finger/ and wangle-it-through combo ...

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 02:14 (eighteen years ago) link

Like I said, you need loose pants to make it at all practical.

― Paunchy Stratego (kenan), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 02:22 (eighteen years ago) link

this thread has the phrase "may still contain treacherous pee" which is kind of amazing.

― Kim (Kim), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 02:50 (eighteen years ago) link

thumbin' down the waistband--it's the only way to go.

― jay blanchard (jay blanchard), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 02:55 (eighteen years ago) link

We don't wear those things over here.

― jim wentworth (wench), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 03:10 (eighteen years ago) link

if it's zip yes. not if it's button. also it is fiddly but it's fun cos you get to fondle your penis a little bit.

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 04:04 (eighteen years ago) link

xpost Waistbands? Do you all walk like penguins?

― Paunchy Stratego (kenan), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 04:05 (eighteen years ago) link

"was he hung?"
"yeah, it was like reaching in and pulling an arm through the front of a double-breasted suit."

― jed_ (jed), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 09:45 (eighteen years ago) link

oh god i misread 'pants' throughout this thread, and it wasn't making any sense at all. 'trousers', people.

― Theorry Henry (Enrique), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 10:02 (eighteen years ago) link

I just piss down me leg. Saves drinking time.

― Amity Wong (noodle vague), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 10:59 (eighteen years ago) link

Jed is naughty. And I have never heard this "keyhole" term before. Fly of pants (trousers) and either pulling down the band of boxers or else using the fly (especially if there are no buttons on the fly of the boxers, which I'm not a fan of because they're more awkward to wander around the house in, but whatever). And really, only boxers. Seriously. Only. Boxers. Or nothing.

I am fairly certain that Bryan and I have talked about his peeing-while-sitting habit. Ah, ILE.

― Casuistry (Chris P), Tuesday, 29 November 2005 11:08 (eighteen years ago) link

I never would have guessed that people would use the pants keyhole but then reach inside and pull down the waistband of their undies underneath the pants. It just seems bizarre to me. It seems like it would be easier and more comfortable to go through the undies keyhole too. It's not that hard once you get the hang of it, a simple finger-dig motion is usually all that's required.

― o. nate (onate), Wednesday, 30 November 2005 18:22 (eighteen years ago) link

Yes, but some of us have a penis.

― Paunchy Stratego (kenan), Wednesday, 30 November 2005 18:23 (eighteen years ago) link

ZING!

― o. nate (onate), Wednesday, 30 November 2005 18:25 (eighteen years ago) link

For the record, I am not one of the people sharing Kenan's penis.

― Dan (Wanted To Clear That Up) Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 30 November 2005 18:26 (eighteen years ago) link

In the land of the dickless, the one-penised man is king.

― o. nate (onate), Wednesday, 30 November 2005 18:28 (eighteen years ago) link

Think of how complicated life must get for those who prefer to wear multiple pairs of briefs. Under this one, over that one, round the corner, through the keyhole, OH NO!!! HOW DID I END UP HERE????

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Wednesday, 30 November 2005 18:55 (eighteen years ago) link

Outside of strip-poker games, who wears multiple pairs of briefs?

― o. nate (onate), Wednesday, 30 November 2005 19:00 (eighteen years ago) link

yeah, wtf?

― AaronK (AaronK), Wednesday, 30 November 2005 19:13 (eighteen years ago) link

YOU MEAN YOU DON'T???? Sheesh.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Wednesday, 30 November 2005 19:16 (eighteen years ago) link

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