Blue Saturday

god you know what gives me the major anxiety is 'group' conversations where you're all in a sort-of-circle and there are various little alliances and you have no fucking idea what to say ever.

i guess a lot of us are taught that big-headedness is a bad trait and that's part of training yourself not to take credit for things or to feel comfortable hearing other people's estimation of yr value. on the other hand i guess these things will definitely happen when you've had a few drinks, and i guess self-criticism is also sometimes a form of narcissism maybe

it is. not taking a compliment and moving on is a form of big-headedness imo. the issue isn't whether or not you truly deserve it, it's that the other person is making the observation.

i do thank people in the end and accept it in that sense, but the kick in the gut says something like "you'll prove them wrong and let them down somehow, eventually"

Yeah there's that but idk you have to value/trust at least some of these ppl and then acknowledge anyway the ?vanity? in always thinking you know better from a position of solipsism or w/e

right, the 'history' part of it, i mean i think it's ok to be sad about it but it's there to be proven wrong imo, or however you want to make a space for alternative outcomes.

the 'kick', i think i know what you're talking about. ok to feel that way.

yeah, i shd've called this thread "all is vanity" :D

it's easy to take compliments v personally, but they probably tell you more about the complimentor than complimentee ime. compliments are chill though, it means there is or was some goodness in the world

I would like to issue one (1) compliment to all blue saturdayers

Gwan so

http://www.outofeden.co.uk/prodimg/4150_1_Zoom.jpg

http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/1294891240745_8226679.png

are "left-handed compliments" derogatory of left-handed people?

The correct term is 'back-handed compliment'.

The root of my "hate getting complimented" thing was partially rooted in "I don't deserve happiness"

Get up in the night and wobble my way tiptoe thru the lacustrine waste and slime of the park, come home in the night but not home, straight to Haworth to wrap up in alcohole and group therapy what's missing, absent fathers, absent minds, fear of failing my own childers in ways material and paternal, up again in darkness, back to the bus thru more wet ooze, stab of reality that hand-me-dwn money is no legacy, chokey tight cig-throat and aboulia rising always. Struggling.

don't really know what to say but companionable hugs to you nv

Thanks. Just January plus biological obsolescence I guess

No chance at all its just January man?

it might be a cliche but someone who worries about being a good father as much as you could never be a bad father imo/ime

speaking as someone whose father really didn't give a fuck

thank you. i know i project too much - i worry about some disconnection with my kids that mirrors my disconnection my parents, but where there's a problem with communication the two things are totally different really, i know.

there's something unsettling (to me) about looking at pictures of my children, younger. they're people who've gone, even tho that going is necessary and inevitable and the only route to whatever being alive really is. winter is like 2 in the morning, every look back is thru a false sense of "could've done things better". but i know it won't always be winter and it isn't always 2 in the morning and the only real mistake is to fixate on the decisions i've already made.

something has always been inside me that desperately wants to connect somehow with other people and can't quite, and on bad nights i guess my children feel like the closest can't quite of all

<3 NV

desperately wants to connect somehow with other people and can't quite

oh I know that feeling well, so the rest of that sentence is like a truth bomb from another reality for someone who sometimes regrets not having kids (99.9% too late now). I must note that when I see photos of you + kids on ILX there seems to be a real warmth and connection there in the pic tho

anyway take care of yourself

clouds otm, and also lots of <3 for u nv

There have certainly been periods of more bitter distress and of even more harsh destitution, more unbridled atrocities and infinitely more conspicuous cruelty; there never was any so coldly, widely and radically dangerous.

While social ferocity has always existed, it had imperative limits, because labour resulting from human lives was indispensable to those who held power. It is not any more. Instead, it has become a burden and those boundaries are collapsing. Do we fully understand what that means? Never has humanity as a whole been so threatened in its very survival.

Whatever the history of barbarism over the centuries, human beings until now were always given a guarantee: they were essential to the function of the planet as well as to productivity, and to the exploitation of the instruments of profit - of which they themselves were part. So many elements that protected them.

For the first time, the mass of humanity is no longer materially and even less economically necessary to the small number holding power, and for whom human lives outside their private circle have nothing to recommend them, even have no existence - it is more obvious every day - but as utilitarian assets.

Radios? Fine. Syphilis? If you like. Photography? I don’t see any reason why not. The cinema? Three cheers for darkened rooms. War? Gave us a good laugh. The telephone? Hello. Youth? Charming white hair. Try to make me say thank you: "Thank you." Thank you.

Whoo I think for a while here I got real lost in midwinter darker than blue. Forget that noise.

Some people really get off on petty oppressions, like how can they feel good unless there's hierarchies to hold them up?

Vice-President Bastard - A slice of raw Bermondsey thug life from this 17 year-old MC who describes his sound as "nu-post-post-post-Grime". Packing raw tales of drug deals gone bad and Green Street 2 torrents that cut out at 97 percent, look to Bastard for tabloid provocation and uncompromising controversy once he's finished his BTEC ND in Music Technology come June.

― Shanty! Shanti! Shanté! (Noodle Vague), Monday, January 3, 2011 6:56 PM (5 years ago)

That 17-year-old was Genie Boy, the Right Honorable Member for The Endz.

2015 was a big one for Genie. He began the year enrolled at Wolverhampton College and ended it on the front cover of Esquire. Having refused several record deals, he continues to manage himself, handling all his own emails and train bookings. He is perhaps the only man who could work with both Preditah and Paul McCartney (at their internet-breaking Brits collab) and come out with his road-credibility intact.

http://www.vice.com/en_uk/read/the-vice-hot-list-2016

i can't die because i have dependents but on the other hand if the abyss wants to intrude into my living room and Belial's knuckly talons drag me into the pit before i have to face another monday i'm unequipped to deal with that would be OK too

saw that lech walesa on the telly this week and briefly thought of u

even tho i am still sometimes drinking i have never gone back to the destroyed mind of 4 years back. i think i wd like to stop even the last remnants of boozetude but i need to go out of the house and be with people more often than i used to think i did

the one thing missing and killing me for its absence is the kind of intimacy you only have with a lover

and this bathetic mewling have-you-got-20p-for-the-bus? hack livejournal is my shoddy substitute for same

god the resemblance to Lech is uncanny

maybe i shd move east

Poland not the best place for engaging a life of sobriety maybe

Lechalike

http://www.relatably.com/q/img/lech-walesa-quotes/2006-02-03_J_17.jpg

"and then whilst shrooming my tits off i came up with the idea for Solidarity"

O Lechy Man!

He actually was a "lechy" by trade in the 70's, he looks like he has pulled a few steel wired armoureds in his time!

hmmmm do i want to be in a Spencer Tunick picture i ask myself

Could kick off a new WDYLL theme ?

think i'd have less qualms on doing it here than in public

Hiding under some coats and hoping everything works out somehow

This is bad, quite quite bad, but in practice involves being Barney J Biergarten and listening to avoid house B-)

jajaja ACID house but that is a very good Freudian autocorrect

I haven't done it years, it can certainly put you through some reet psychological squeezes and ting. Hold in there wins and eat some oranges!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTWsHSN7Qls

Uploaded on 4 May 2011

모든 음악이 그렇듯 재즈도 역시 두 가지 중에 하나입니다. 빠르거나 느리거나, 혹은 시끄럽거나 조용하거나... 공연장의 열기를 몸으로 경험하는 음악은 당연 전자이고, 혼자 일의 지루함을 덜기 위한 혹은 집중을 돕기위한 BGM 그리고 잠들기 위한 (성인을 위한) 자장가는 후자 쪽에 손이 갑니다.
깊어가는 밤을 돕기위한 후자쪽 Jazz에서 Kenny Dorham만큼 적합한 연주자는 없을 것입니다.. [Quiet Kenny]라는 앨범이름처럼 트랙들은 어떤 곡도 분수를 알고 차고 넘치지 않습니다. 그러나 아주 기뻐하지도, 지나치게 환호하지도 않는 담담하고 조심스러운 그의 연주는 Minimal하고 Bluzzy한 의미에서 보면 Jazz의 본질을 겨냥하고 있는지도 모르겠습니다.
트럼펫의 원소리는 금관악기의 재료가 그러듯 견고하고 강렬합니다. 그러나 이 앨범에서의 Kenny의 트럼펫을 그렇지 않습니다. 감당키 어려울 만큼 광채나는 바로크 트럼펫과는 달리 어둠을 뚫고 일어나는 희미한 푸른 불꽃처럼, 온기가 있고 억제된 정열이 있으며 땀냄새가 납니다. 오늘은 이 앨범 중 3번트랙 Blue Friday를 들어보겠습니다.