pretty sure that's a joke but who fuckin knows anymore
― Meta Forksclove-Liebeskind (forksclovetofu), Wednesday, 30 September 2015 22:35 (eight years ago) link
The modern man is like a super butler mixed with, I don't know, an asshole or something.
― jimmy falloff (GOTT PUNCH II HAWKWINDZ), Thursday, 1 October 2015 03:31 (eight years ago) link
6. Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night.
Busted!
― Mark G, Thursday, 1 October 2015 15:11 (eight years ago) link
tbf, i should start doing that
― Meta Forksclove-Liebeskind (forksclovetofu), Thursday, 1 October 2015 15:13 (eight years ago) link
amended:
1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. Because his spouse is right there with him. Who gets shoes without trying them on? Really? And he knows which brands run big or small. Because he used to work in a shoe shop, I guess.
― Mark G, Thursday, 1 October 2015 15:15 (eight years ago) link
"the market" => barf
― rip van wanko, Thursday, 1 October 2015 15:20 (eight years ago) link
http://i.imgur.com/eXy0yjy.jpg
― I might like you better if we Yelped together (Phil D.), Thursday, 1 October 2015 15:28 (eight years ago) link
tell me what's gauche, guy who calls a grocery store "the market" then tells me to wear Kenneth Cole shoes
― rip van wanko, Thursday, 1 October 2015 15:35 (eight years ago) link
was gonna say kenneth cole so f'n basic
― call all destroyer, Thursday, 1 October 2015 15:35 (eight years ago) link
17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?
― I Am Curious (Dolezal) (DJP), Thursday, 1 October 2015 16:17 (eight years ago) link
serving honeydew melon, uniform shape notwithstanding, is the not-knowing-your-spouse's-exact-shoe-specifications of the modern era. everyone but the most gauche of simpletons should know this
― all my friends are vampires (art), Thursday, 1 October 2015 16:21 (eight years ago) link
modern man's a baller putting melons on the boards
― too young for seapunk (Moodles), Thursday, 1 October 2015 16:23 (eight years ago) link
i want the author to explain this article. he seems to be an amalgamation of 3 or 4 different (modern, apparently) men with wildly different personalities
― 1997 ball boy (Karl Malone), Thursday, 1 October 2015 16:24 (eight years ago) link
WHO ARE YOU, BRIAN LOMBARDI?!?!
http://static01.nyt.com/images/2015/10/02/fashion/02MODERNMAN/02MODERNMAN-master180.jpg
― 1997 ball boy (Karl Malone), Thursday, 1 October 2015 16:25 (eight years ago) link
of DeKalb, Illinois, home base of the modern man
― μpright mammal (mh), Thursday, 1 October 2015 16:25 (eight years ago) link
is that a single tear or a bead of sweat?
― call all destroyer, Thursday, 1 October 2015 16:27 (eight years ago) link
18. The modern man has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn.
Note that the modern man does NOT have a shoehorn; he has just thought seriously about buying one. The modern man procrastinates like a motherfucker.
― I Am Curious (Dolezal) (DJP), Thursday, 1 October 2015 16:28 (eight years ago) link
xp - tattoo
the modern man has a past u know?
― all my friends are vampires (art), Thursday, 1 October 2015 16:28 (eight years ago) link
without a shoehorn he's going to ruin those kenneth coles
― call all destroyer, Thursday, 1 October 2015 16:28 (eight years ago) link
https://31.media.tumblr.com/e2ff51bc06bd2d568ef4f96ea5fa77f9/tumblr_ncow7kOlOE1smr45to1_500.gif
WAIT FOR SOME RUCKUS, DAMMIT
― I Am Curious (Dolezal) (DJP), Thursday, 1 October 2015 16:29 (eight years ago) link
28. the modern man collects beads of sweat in a jar and then flicks them at poorly behaving children in the street, one at a time.29. the modern man pays his mother a surprise visit every once in a while to take her out to dinner.30. the modern man is a psychotic ball of rage turned inside out during waking hours, but contemplative and curious during sleep.31. the modern man completes his taxes early.
― 1997 ball boy (Karl Malone), Thursday, 1 October 2015 16:31 (eight years ago) link
this guy is clearly a) sending up this genre, b) speaking sorta mordantly, sorta proudly about his sorta unmanly married w/kids life, but also c) unlikeable
― goole, Thursday, 1 October 2015 16:31 (eight years ago) link
32. WAAHHHHAAAAAAHWHOOOAAAAAAAAAA33. thoughtful advice34. wwwhoooaoaaaaa
i do complete my taxes early...
― Meta Forksclove-Liebeskind (forksclovetofu), Thursday, 1 October 2015 18:19 (eight years ago) link
the modern man takes his trash out Wednesday night for Thursday morning pick up
― rap is dad (it's a boy!), Thursday, 1 October 2015 18:32 (eight years ago) link
the modern man is boring as fuck
― Meta Forksclove-Liebeskind (forksclovetofu), Thursday, 1 October 2015 18:32 (eight years ago) link
but is modern man just a man?
― F♯ A♯ (∞), Thursday, 1 October 2015 19:14 (eight years ago) link
Q are we not modern
― jimmy falloff (GOTT PUNCH II HAWKWINDZ), Thursday, 1 October 2015 19:18 (eight years ago) link
http://www.pixyland.org/peterpan/Imagezz/pixyVelvetGlitter3_500h.jpg
― F♯ A♯ (∞), Thursday, 1 October 2015 19:23 (eight years ago) link
I can't believe the Peter Pan page is still live.
― I Am Curious (Dolezal) (DJP), Thursday, 1 October 2015 19:32 (eight years ago) link
Thing is, "chopper" is not even the right "wrong" word to use for a helicopter. Professionally, I am sometimes in contact with real military manly-men, who call them "helos." Ultimate manliness comes from knowing the specific type, of course - Blackhawk, Apache, Huey.
Calling a helo a chopper reveals you to be a wussy-ass pansy-boy who got his information about war and the military from watching MASH. Calling it a helicopter reveals you to be a prissy-ass nerd who gets his information from a dictionary.
I fail by all measures, as I can claim neither military manliness nor this weird funhouse-mirror NYT version of modern post-hipster menschiness.
(Although I do make sure everybody's electronic devices are charging before I go to bed. Guilty! If I don't, there will be a cranky 4-year-old up in my grill at 5 AM whining that he can't watch Bob the Builder or play Clumsy Ninja; then it becomes incumbent on me to be just as entertaining as the Internet. Which I am not.)
― forbidden fruitarian (Ye Mad Puffin), Friday, 2 October 2015 15:19 (eight years ago) link
uh I learned about it from films and obviously in my life I often have occasion to yell GET TO THE CHOPPER
― μpright mammal (mh), Friday, 2 October 2015 15:27 (eight years ago) link
the one about pinned tweets, wtf. i have about 10 pinned tweets, does that make me a cave man?
― jill's got heroin (rip van wanko), Wednesday, 7 October 2015 17:14 (eight years ago) link
http://i.imgur.com/40vyQGi.jpg
― 龜, Tuesday, 12 April 2016 12:21 (eight years ago) link
but shaving ruins the disguise
― niels, Tuesday, 12 April 2016 13:04 (eight years ago) link
what if i can change a tire but prefer to have aaa do it for me? half a beard? goatee? standing in front of the mirror rn, razor in hand, looking for answers
― art, Tuesday, 12 April 2016 13:16 (eight years ago) link
i like how 3 of the 4 went with a unmanly beardo, but the fourth is just a guy eating a fish straight out of the river
― Karl Malone, Tuesday, 12 April 2016 13:21 (eight years ago) link
You don't fall a tree, you fell a tree.
Man-lingo fail.
― bodhran run run run (Ye Mad Puffin), Tuesday, 12 April 2016 13:53 (eight years ago) link
"your a chick in disguise"
― i like to trump and i am crazy (DJP), Tuesday, 12 April 2016 13:54 (eight years ago) link
can we just agree that every expression of modern masculinity is terrible and we should all be thrown into the ocean
― i like to trump and i am crazy (DJP), Tuesday, 12 April 2016 13:55 (eight years ago) link
Are there memes that are like, "If you look like this but don't know how to sew a dress or bake a casserole, SCRAPE THE MAKEUP OFF YOUR FACE & QUIT SHAVING YOUR LEGS, YOU PHONY"
― hardcore dilettante, Tuesday, 12 April 2016 13:55 (eight years ago) link
not many, but that's because of the scourge of political correctness that is destroying this nation
― Karl Malone, Tuesday, 12 April 2016 13:58 (eight years ago) link
If you eat raw fish straight from the river but can't change a tire, SHAVE
― jmm, Tuesday, 12 April 2016 14:01 (eight years ago) link
do they mean actually removing a tire from the rim, or just putting the spare on the car? pretty sure they mean the latter, which is changing the whole wheel and isn't that hard
psssssh
― μpright mammal (mh), Tuesday, 12 April 2016 14:05 (eight years ago) link
you need a specialized machine to actually change the tire
― jason waterfalls (gbx), Tuesday, 12 April 2016 14:06 (eight years ago) link
maybe YOU do
actually it's really a complete pain in the ass if you don't have one of those
― μpright mammal (mh), Tuesday, 12 April 2016 14:07 (eight years ago) link
the last time I had to help someone put on their spare I left the e-brake on like an idiot (had it on when jacking up the car since I was a little paranoid) and another dude came by and guessed that within a minute, how embarassing
― μpright mammal (mh), Tuesday, 12 April 2016 14:10 (eight years ago) link
Does changing bike tires count? I have a beard but it would be pointless for me to learn how to change tires to a car, since I don't even have a driver's license.
― Tuomas, Tuesday, 12 April 2016 14:12 (eight years ago) link
if you pass a woman on the roadway with a flat tire, it is your man duty to help her
― μpright mammal (mh), Tuesday, 12 April 2016 14:13 (eight years ago) link
by mansplaining the correct technique for changing a tire, while stroking your luxuriant beard
― Neil S, Tuesday, 12 April 2016 14:15 (eight years ago) link