Blue Saturday

And Cain said unto the LORD, My punishment is greater than I can bear.

every working day i wind up being judgey and opinionated and tho they may be important aspects of humanity they're the bits of myself that make me feel most sad and dislikeable

articulated this thought better in my head last night

the World is a grey wet vale of distracted corruption

thinking of maybe winning nu-lottery

if any of youse are a capricious millionaire would you consider paying me a living wage to work full-time as a flâneur? I will endeavour to write one mildly amusing status update per day or, for a slightly larger fee, not to

yeh i have indulged a couple of times lately but tbh more in hopes of an evening's leisure money than permanent retirement

both so unlikely they may as well be equally unlikely

that isn't true but

treu enough tbh

I like to play every few month even tho I know the chance of winning is zero, try explaining this to science bros tho

I don't check the ticket for ages it's awesome

saw a decent explanation that said that the potential lifechange of the win makes the slimness of the odds reasonable to us, especially the more abject real life might be

pascalian

actually i am alone again today so in theory i cd get hold of some money and go and gently elide the day but on the other hand i've got nice tunes on and the odds of meeting the person who might pull me out of this slough compared to the odds of just being 30 or 40 quid poorer next week don't seem v enticing

Very (xp)

saw a decent explanation that said that the potential lifechange of the win makes the slimness of the odds reasonable to us, especially the more abject real life might be

The only time I played regularly was when there was a work syndicate, that's really an odd thing. It's like a protection racket or sth cause suddenly the thing that overrides the logic of you-definitely-won't-win is not the hope that you could but the fear that all your co-workers might

we play once a month or so at work depending how bad the management zeitgeist is at any given moment

actually i am alone again today so in theory i cd get hold of some money and go and gently elide the day but on the other hand i've got nice tunes on and the odds of meeting the person who might pull me out of this slough compared to the odds of just being 30 or 40 quid poorer next week don't seem v enticing

I miss the part of today where I just had nice tunes on

gracias for giving an excellent new inflection to the term "pulling" incidentally <3

entirely unconscious but double apt

i mean there is also the cameraderie of the afternoon drinking crew but there's always that

even getting invites to go out now ffs

must maintain mantra that money borrowed against leisure is a moebius trip

used to be one of those sanctimonious "lol tax on the stupid" bores tbh (my mother was a maths teacher, it's how I was brought up) but then realised that when the chance of buying your way to something better by the "traditional" route seems just as one-in-fortywhatever-million unlikely you may as well dabble. not sure I've ever actually won anything though, maybe the lowest scratchcard prize once

feeling p. autumnal this evening and not in the good way (there is a good way, I felt it on the walk home last week) but in the it's got dark at teatime and I feel sick and jittery and I've wasted my life kind of way. starting drinking as soon as my driving lesson ended mid-afternoon poss a bad idea

eh angst over, time to find those nice tunes or just give up, go to bed and try to get up early for more daylight tomorrow

NB I never get up early but won't let that get in the way of good intentions

feeling p. autumnal this evening and not in the good way (there is a good way, I felt it on the walk home last week) but in the it's got dark at teatime and I feel sick and jittery and I've wasted my life kind of way.

I get this every year really bad.

spent 10 mins in a proper pub tonight, just seconds away from my house but felt like another universe, going outside in October evening felt and smelt really strange, kind of nice. I have not properly been in a proper pub since my old life (pre-baby).

Imagine a scenario whereby every young
person in England thinks about routes to
success from an early age in the knowledge
that they are continuously gaining some
form of relevant experience and exposure to
working life. Also, imagine what it might feel
like to know that you will be given careers
and employability support from a wide
range of sources — maybe some beyond your
wildest dreams.
People who inspire you, places that
invigorate and motivate you to connect
your day-today learning to future work
possibilities, projects that stretch and
challenge you to achieve more. Finally, think
about what success would look like when it
comes to a ‘careers offer’ for all young people
in our cities and towns across England?

http://ash.notearthday.org/images/n2x.jpg

what's going on nv?

just keep coming across deathly depressing "how can we funnel children into a life of drudgery most efficiently?" propaganda this week

steady background anxiety: check
fortnight's worth of casual suicidal ideation: check
restlessness that stops me settling to any reading or other project: check
dunno if this is winter, poverty or loneliness or if those are 3 faces of the same hulking fact of life

i can deal with all this but can't help wanting to do more than just always be dealing

Trying to transform into a pair of ragged claws scuttling etc

Idk nv but your job seems like poison just from your posts. I feel like you just get some of the holes patched in your outlook and then work brings you back to somewhere you don't to be. And yet, dire povery = ALSO a place you/no one wants to be, so I do see the difficulty there, believe me. But, like, I often feel like the root of the problem is not you or your past or your choices or whatever you are counting as your not-successes, it's the demand for emotional labor & fronting like you believe in the cause at your workplace.

Thx io. I feel like inasmuch as my job hurts it's the hurts of working under Capital. The day to day and the people I work for are pretty inspirational for me. But here we are in a system that turns all relationships to money/shit. The abiding sadness I moan about on here is...some poison of my own, I guess

a further point: i have been a monster. everything from now on forward is fully earned payback.

they are and have been monsters in the world and you are not one of them - p much regardless of circumstances that's the case. if you're anything like anyone else you will have made some poor decisions, sometimes small ones, sometimes big ones, and have been selfish or lazy, and alienated people you shouldn't have alienated, or not made effort where effort should have been made. none of that makes you a monster though. in fact having a low opinion of yourself is, in my experience, the surest possible way of continuing to make poor decisions. again, in my experience, having a low opinion of yourself also creates an underlying impression that bad things should happen to you, and that other people also have a (justifiably) low opinion of you, and therefore the less you're in their lives, or the lower profile you keep the better. and anyway even when you're in their company it's nothing special for them, even if it is for you.

all of that is very unlikely to be the case. people who you are close to, sometimes even those you are not, will almost certainly want you in their lives, but not as someone who has a low opinion of themselves, but someone who looks after themselves much as you might look after something important and precious to you, like a valuable heirloom or even a bike. That is, something to be maintained, kept in good working order, to be looked after. For me, perhaps because I'm English or because I'm a type, it can take an effort to remember to value myself and realise that my presence in other people's lives is or can be valuable to them, and therefore I should make the effort to seek them out and also to look after myself and ensure I do things that are good for me. I did terribly at this this year. I lost relationships as a consequence of not valuing my part in them, and my interior life became moribund as a consequence of too much focus on work and not enough effort ouside work, but that only serves to remind me to redouble the effort.

That said my bike's in a bit of a state too.

thx:) never knowingly undermelodramatic

thank you for that post fizzles

yes thank you

i am about to go into my university's tuition collection office to discuss how the hell i'm going to pay them $7000+ and whether i'll even be able to register for classes next quarter, so that was v good to read

gl clouds

fizzles https://iamlinah.files.wordpress.com/2013/01/big-tick.jpg

yes, good luck clouds. and glad the post went down well. never hurts to renew these sorts of positive thoughts even if they're hard to maintain i guess.

fizzles u are exemplary imo

so many friends visiting whom i haven't seen in years and wanting to do things when my heart's desire is to not see another living soul

5.00pm Promise self I won't lash back if my dad starts up with traditional spiteful criticism of my parenting and all-round personality

7.20pm Lash back when he starts up

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

what is the world/my brain coming to that I am even feeling this feeling at the start of the weekend?

(work-related angst excised bcz hey, Friday evening, put all work thoughts out of the mind. going to buy some fruit & veg, mostly to get out of the flat for 20 minutes but also I've just realised how crisps/Coke/vodka-centric my diet has been lately)

love your post Fizzles. hope other Blue Saturdayers are well.

I just got my shoes on and torrential rain started out of nowhere

more vodka and Coke instead then

i got faggots and sprouts and Oblivion and that'll do i guess, this feels like a sentence i cd've written with several different signifiers

vodka and coke trumps torrential rain def yes

's funny i was going to post earlier because at the end of work the sky was an astonishing sunset blue fading out into whiteness before it started to darken at the horizons and there was a kind of low key ecstatic peace

I talk to God but the sky is empty.

I still feel Sundays have their own qualitatively different order of gloominess ("Sombre Dimanche"), which is of a higher order than Saturday - especially in winter months.

Sundays are the worst, sure.

the Saturday i sat down to write this was a very subjective blueness at the time.

and now I sounds too blue to fly

bad shoe cripplefeet, shambly Smiley demeanour, anonymosity writ small, a perfect little background filler removable from the scene at any point now, waaaay out in the steppe, wineskin-empty

You're lucky, these auditors have me front and centre and seem to find me absolutely fascinating