Craigslist hilarity

For the right-wing babysitter and floor sweeper in your life

About 75% of this job is evening childcare for three very fun boys, 6-year-old twins and a 2-year-old. The remaining time will be divided between blogging about current events and light household tasks (floor sweeping, etc.). Candidates must be available to work 3 or 4 evenings per week from 5:00 PM until 8:30 PM. The political writing will consist of short, tabloid-style blog entries about the news from a conservative point of view.

The location is on the west side of Madison, near the Whole Foods, and the specific days can be determined (partly) by the candidate.

Qualifications:

Experience working with children.
Licensed driver with good driving record: one of the duties is picking the kids up from daycare. Owning a car is a plus.
Excellent writing skills.
Strong references.

https://madison.craigslist.org/wri/5182058568.html

Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter, Breitbart, Is Dead

that is so fucked up

needs an "i'm wanking as i write this" poststript more than anything in casual encounters

holy shit

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CQ0sAwYWoAETIgY.png:large

What's a RINO?

republican in name only

oh that totally makes it

Help doing a cycle of steroids - m4m (castro/duboce triangle)

http://tulsa.craigslist.org/muc/5308091746.html

Alcoholic guitarist with rock star attitude and shitty gear available (Tulsa)
http://images.craigslist.org/00z0z_ityMI1elrww_600x450.jpg

I've been playing guitar for decades and I'm awesome. Looking for a band around here who is into the harder, bluesier, upbeater, dirtier, filthier side of rock n roll.

Influences:
Jerry Lee Lewis
The Stooges
tripping on acid
tripping on mushrooms
Tony Clifton
alcoholism
Hawkwind when lemmy was in it
Satanism

I am in the process of writing songs about liver disease, sex with married women, and more songs about sex and a couple other ones about drinking and how bad ass me and all my friends are.

I'm actually not a dick personally. I'm actually down to earth and nice, but I am a dick through my music, man. It's all a big philosophical thing and shit. Kind of like how Andy Kaufman was a nice guy so he created a character who he could be a dick through named Tony Clifton.

5'6 240lbs black/hazel cut disease free always use protection 420

Oh I have an amp that I need to fix and a practice space, and 3 good guitars and 2 shitty ones.

My name is Sloover
Check out Sloover.com

Toronto missed connections:
http://toronto.craigslist.ca/tor/mis/5297826542.html

You farted in Whole Foods yesterday - m4w (yorkville)

body : athletic height : 6'1" (185cm) status : single
age: 35

You were the tall brunette with the spectacular body in yoga gear that farted in the bread section last night. I was the tall guy next to you that looked over and said "was that you?"

You replied "no it was not me" almost in shock that I had asked. The stench was horrific and I even waved two loafs Ciabatta bread around to try and dispel the odor. During this foray you were still in denial of your flatulence and angrily stormed off.

You are gorgeous, and even though you are a liar and fart like a Clydesdale I'd love to meet up

i dispute that the connection was missed, in fact i would go so far as to characterize it as consummated

loool

turns out fake

Likely won't be up long, but

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/zip/5374228964.html

obviously not. printscreen next time?

FREE 16-hand Massage Tonight! - Craigslist

losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/zip/5374228964.html

http://i.imgur.com/QOOX8C7.jpg

Merry Christmas! It's 11, Me and my friends have had a few drinks and we're ALL ready to give a 16-hand massage to Anyone who wants to come by. Thanks :o ! Txt for address.

There you go!

Ew.

slipknot afterparty

CHOKING

http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/mis/5425400537.html

yall gotta remember to c+p

Need Help From People Of Lakeview (reward)

(Broadway/Stratford)age: 36

I am writing this message to anyone that might have been in Lakeview Thursday night around 9pm.

Specifically I am looking for anyone who was by Stratford and Broadway, which was where my car was parked.

Obviously I have a large degree of humility when writing this because I am seeking people out here to see if anyone has any information about who may have taken a gigantic shit on the windshield of my brand new Tesla Model X.

This is not a joke.

I was on a date with a girl, one who was very conservative. It was our third date and when we walked out, sure enough we saw that someone had taken a very large shit on my windshield comprised of two sizable logs and smaller ball which rolled down to my wipers. Pee was not visible leading me to believe that *perhaps* someone had shit in a container at home and then threw it on my car later.

Now I know a lot of people might find this funny but my date was really traumatized by the whole thing and I have zero leads. What's more, the CPD "absolutely refused" to help me, a tax paying citizen, clean the shit off of my car. But they obviously didn't hesitate to tell me I could not drive with the poop on my windshield because it would obstruct my visibility. I had to use a redeye magazine and a bottle of water to clean it off and that sucked.

I am looking for solid intelligence in regards to anyone who might have seen anything. Do not reply with a car type you think you saw or a suggestion. I am writing this to someone who saw something in particular or perhaps, someone who indeed knows the person who pulled this stupid joke on me. As for the latter, if you were willing to leak the name of the person who did this, I promise you that I would spare you of all legal charges and physical retaliation. However I will plan on ruling out you with DNA for I have kept a sample of the shit for I can see someone trying to pull another fast one on me. And trust me, that is not going to happen.

Taking dumps on a person's car is something children do, not adults. And although from time to time, I could see why someone deserves it, this was absolutely uncalled for. And I think it says a lot about the people of Lakeview and those that work at The Rocks (the staff there laughed at me when I told them what h.appened). You are all pieces of shit for watching this happen and doing nothing, probably watching there as some jerk tossed a giant shit on my windshield or perhaps you even saw it drop from his or her butthole as the pee was collected separately, which still makes sense so they wouldn't slip on the pee after it was all said and done.

Listen closely. I am offering a significant compensation to anyone who has good solid intelligence that I will handle in my own way. I am not going to mention dollar amounts here but I work in the medical community and trust me when I say I think the amount I have in mind will not disappoint. After all, I do own a Tesla.

Lastly, a message to the person who did this: I will find you. Do you understand me? I have already had my lawyer draft up subpoenas to acquire footage from nearby security cameras amongst other things. Personally, I think you need medical attention to do what you have done. I am so greatly saddened this city has been over run by thugs and poor people who are having too many children. I cannot be surprised that Donald Trump is doing so well when I see my car had someone shit or toss shit on it in clear view of the public. And maybe he should be doing well if he is better suited at taking on the maniacs who have been overrunning this once great city.

Good Intel on who did this = Good money

I'll end on that.

Michael

© craigslist - Map data © OpenStreetMap(google map)

do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers

(on phone, hope that paginated right)

oh my god

However I will plan on ruling out you with DNA for I have kept a sample of the shit for I can see someone trying to pull another fast one on me.

dude

You are all pieces of shit for watching this happen and doing nothing, probably watching there as some jerk tossed a giant shit on my windshield or perhaps you even saw it drop from his or her butthole as the pee was collected separately, which still makes sense so they wouldn't slip on the pee after it was all said and done.

DUDE

I am so greatly saddened this city has been over run by thugs and poor people who are having too many children. I cannot be surprised that Donald Trump is doing so well when I see my car had someone shit or toss shit on it in clear view of the public.

DUDE

heeee

way to turn a 1 line post AATENTION WHOEVER TOOK A SHIT ON MY TESLA I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL END YOU into some kind of russian novel

Taking dumps on a person's car is something children do, not adults

I wonder about this dude's childhood

it was probably a nostalgia shit from one of his childhood friends. "remember when we used to shit on ppl's cars and not piss so we didn't slip and fall??? good times, good times."

hope someone else gives him some good solid intelligence to handle in his own way

haha didn't Saul (Bob Odenkirk) recount doing this to a roomful of elderly bingo players?

Must be an Illinois pastime...?

recount the STORY to a roomful etc.

A whole run of old people, that would be quite a feat

man, this puts mailbox baseball into perspective

ROOM argh fuck $%GB)!

fyi Hadrian I have been sitting here watching your posts with escalating and complimentary senses of glee and horror

I think I need a chaperone

But for real is there a Chicagoan in the house who can elucidate?

Chitcago

haha didn't Saul (Bob Odenkirk) recount doing this to a roomful of elderly bingo players?

Must be an Illinois pastime...?

― Hadrian VIII, Thursday, February 4, 2016 6:18 PM (Yesterday)

A Chicago Sunroof!

"Obviously I have a large degree of humility when writing this"

xpost lol that's right

The Chicago Sunroof is something children do, not adults.

"For I have kept a sample of the shit" is poetry of a type I think

I'm sure that in his wildest, best-case-scenario dreams the person who sunroofed this guy never imagined he would end up actually carrying around a sample of his shit.

I just don't understand all the dude's talk about lack of pee. Does he somehow think people always also pee when they shit?

No piss, Sherlock!

I was on a date with a girl, one who was very conservative. It was our third date and when we walked out, sure enough we saw that someone had taken a very large shit on my windshield comprised of two sizable logs and smaller ball which rolled down to my wipers.

"sure enough"? Was he expecting this?

Also, why does think a more liberal woman would have been totes cool with walking out to a shit-covered Tesla?