Craigslist hilarity

This instrument has been vital in both my sexual development and approximately seven abortions. I won't even tell you about the time when i brought the guitar to the Planned Parenthood up in Northeast by the Wild Oats. All I can say is that Planned Parenthoods are a ripe garden of fertile baby caves. Best. Blowjob. Ever

oh my. wonder how this would go over at slam poetry/open mic nite.

having heard something very similar two nights ago i can tell you: carwash clapped off the stage

also

* Location: South Austin

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

to the Planned Parenthood up in Northeast by the Wild Oats.

This is approximately 15 blocks/ 0.75 miles SE of where I'm currently sitting. And to think, the most exciting thing I've ever seen there is that they have a library.

Oh and douchebag pro-lifers will occasionally protest the place and get laughed at.

A large picture but safe for work ("Sarah Michelle Gellar and I").

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/ats/1111457569.html

selling ford truck - $1200 (girard)
Reply to: sale-9ujvk-1163953✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-05-10, 3:37PM EDT

$1200 obo this has been a good truck for me but i have to sell it because i cant ever get to it with all of the bees around it they have been in and around it for almost 2 months now and i havent been able to get near 5 feet or else i get stung and im sick of it i still have welts from months ago stingings and i cant even get to work because i cant get to my truck so i have to sell it test drives at ur own risk i cant go with you too many bees

* Location: girard
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

http://images.craigslist.org/3k93o63pdZZZZZZZZZ95a9d51ae134b8c1fcb.jpg

holy shit. i need that as a link so i can send it to coworkers!

http://snarkerati.com/movie-news/files/2008/08/candyman.jpg

here's the link http://youngstown.craigslist.org/cto/1163953978.html

i cant go with you too many bees

btw I just saw Candyman. wtf was the deal with that movie?

Oh, it's just ONE OF THE BEST HORROR MOVIES EVER MADE

i don't know but this reminded me of tommy boy like where they're driving drunk and they get pulled over so they run out of the car going BEES! RUN! YOUR WEAPONS ARE USELESS AGAINST THEM!

http://www.indiancomedian.com/EddieIzzard.jpg

it's coveredinBEEEEEEES!!!!!!

Knew someone who was genuinely too shit scared to say "Candyman" in a mirror five times

along with being great sociopolitical commentary at the same time, imho

oh beehive...
http://www.anglotopia.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/austin-powers-shagadelic.jpg

It made absolutely no sense to me & was not scary but OTOH I was sick & running a temp of ~102º F at the time.

"Movie reviews by a lady who is stupid and running a fever."

LOL classic self-deprecation there. that would be a good thread. you should do it.

anyway: Candyman the character is the classic 'Other,' the object of Helen's (Virginia Madsen) sexual fantasies...his monster senses her weaknesses, then assumes/consumes Helen to the point that she becomes Candyman. Her salvation comes only when she essentially dies in order to rid Candyman from her psyche; additionally, her 'sacrifice' is representative of an attempt to heal the schisms of racism and racial herding-- the baby that she saves is a 'new son.'

Finally, the film deals with issues of miscengenation as well as race/class tourism's destructive effects on communities.

I believe the last part-- the first part is more the political gobbledygook explanation of a slasher film.

KILLING ME WON'T GET YOUR GODDAMNED TRUCK SOLD!!

http://media.photobucket.com/image/Wicker%20Man%20Bees/GroinGremlin/beesnickcage.jpg

Sounds like a typical bee movie plot to me...

dude

am i that bad

honestly, if i am, i promise to shut my fucking trap forever

no you are not that bad

thank u

Knew someone who was genuinely too shit scared to say "Candyman" in a mirror five times

― snoball, Monday, May 11, 2009 6:41 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

lol

I interpreted for Bernard Rose (Candyman director) on the set of a later and much, much crapper movie, Anna Karenina. He was entertaining and clever if occasionally a demanding bastard. He used to flap his arms and cackle.

rip

http://arstechnica.com/tech-policy/news/2009/05/craigslist-gives-in-will-shut-down-erotic-services-section.ars

Actor needed for emotional role – One day high pay
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2009-04-17, 12:52PM EDT

My deceased aunt gave my two kids a Cocker Spaniel a few months back. The dog has been a terror and become overwhelming for me. I am a single father raising two young children. I cannot face telling the kids that the dog must go. I have found a good home for the dog, and just need someone to transport the dog, and play the villain.

Premise: You will be the dog walker hired by daddy (me) to walk Skittles. I will introduce you to the kids, and you will tell them you are going to help Skittles get her exercise when Daddy is too busy to walk her. At that point you will walk Skittles to your car and take her to her new family 20 minutes from my place. Then return holding just a leash. The story will be that Skittles broke free of the leash and took off. At this point prepare for crying, things being thrown at you, and possibly cursing. My kids are young and dramatic, their girls.

Pay will be $500. The job will take roughly 2 hours at best.

This job is ideal for an actor looking to diversify their role base, or someone who genuinely likes to make children cry. Acting experience is a plus, but not necessary. Please inform me of any prior experience in this kind of situation.

Lil Wayne wanted (DC-MD-VA)
Date: 2009-06-12, 12:27PM EDT

My son is turning 16 and really wanted Lil Wayne to perform for his birthday gala. Unfortunately his schedule will not permit him to make it. I need a Lil Wayne impersonator desperately.

Here is the kicker my son is blind so you do not need to look like the rapper just sound like him. I understand he grunts and mumbles a lot. I don’t care if you are 67 and Jewish if you can sing the songs you’re hired. Money is not an issue. Name your price. Interested individuals please let me know your rap experience, video of you performing as Lil Wayne would be better. If that is not feasible we can arrange for a live audition.

Serious inquiries only, this is very important to my family. Young Money Baby!

someone who genuinely likes to make children cry.

that is so sad ;_; both of them!
why does craigslist want to trick little kids & destroy their dreams?

would do the first....and possibly the second.

Unfortunately his schedule will not permit him to make it.

yes, that must be it.

"Here is the kicker..."

Dog one is a dream job. Unless the dog vomits in my car or something.

Serious inquiries only, this is very important to my family. Young Money Baby!

lmao

http://milwaukee.craigslist.org/com/1233300670.html

TO "PHISH" PEOPLE AT ALPINE VALLEY THIS WEEKENED (EAST TROY)
Reply to: comm-mkrbh-1233300✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-06-22, 1:31AM CDT

I HAVE LIVED OFF OF COUNTY HWY D NEAR ALPINE VALLEY FOR THE PAST 24 YEARS AND OFTEN FEEL THE RESIDUAL NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF THE CONCERTS. NEVER HAVE I HAD AN INCIDENT SUCH AS THE ONE THAT OCCURRED ON SATURDY NIGHT (JUN. 20) FOLLOWING A "PHISH" MUSICAL. OUR DOG WOKE US AT 1:30 AM MAKING A RUCKUS. WE HAVE A SMALL WARMING HOUSE NEAR THE EDGE OF THE HIGHWAY THAT I BUILT FOR OUR DAUGHTERS (NOW GROWN) TO WAIT FOR THE SCHOOLBUSES IN. THE LIGHT IN IT WAS ON AND SOMEONE WAS INSIDE. I PUT ON CLOTHES AND APPROACHED AND FOUND HIM DEFECATING ON THE FLOOR. HAD HAIR LOOKED LIKE A DOORMAT. EYES WERE BUGGY LIKE I REMEMBER ON MEN IN VIETNAM. I HAD A SHOTGUN AND TOLD HIM HE WAS GOING TO CLEAN UP THE DEFECATE. BUT I AM OLD (71 NOW) AND MADE A MISTAKE, RETURNING TO THE HOUSE TO GET A HOSE AND BUCKET. HE RAN IN THE DIRECTION OF THE INTERSTATE AND I DIDNOT FOLLOW.

MY MESSAGE IS THIS: GET YOUR PEOPLE IN ORDER "PHISH". AND NEVER COME TO ALPINE VALLEY AGAIN. SHAME ON YOU. I AM POSTING ON CRAIGLIST BECAUSE I HAVE USED IT TO SELL TRUCK PARTS AND LAWN FURNTITURE AND DOUBT AN EDITOR'S LETTER IN THE JOURNAL/SENTINEL WILL REACH "PHISH" PEOPLE, WHO MY NEIGHBOR SAYS ARE MOSTLY FROM ILLINOIS OR EASTCOAST. I AM ALSO LOOKING FOR AN APOLOGY FROM THE MAN WHO COMMITTED THIS ACT. HE LEFT BEHIND A WHITE HAT WITH AN ALIEN ON IT. ALSO A GLASS THING. I AM GOING TO THROW THEM AWAY.

* Location: EAST TROY
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

lol "A GLASS THING"

Crack pipe, obviously. You know those "PHISH" people.

So it's not your business to flag the RE; poster ? PEOPLE! don't you remember your bully days from grade school ? You allow it ,it festers! Then the bully gets more powerful and finally no one wants to come to school ! Columbine was the culmantion of what happens when you don't keep the bully at check ! ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS FLAG HIM ! but instead you sit back and allow it because you don't agree with my way of dealing with this deviate ! Worse you buy into the "where there is smoke ther is fire " addage Believe what you want ! I am selling ,not retailing ! You don't like the price ? the Eastern Europeans know what to do ! OFFER ME LESS Many people leave with that item at that price ! But to bitch about it openly ! SERIOUSLY ! Go back to your mother maybe she cares ! Don't cry about the price ! ALSO! What the Chinese make is done wih the blessing of the US GOV unless it sports the USA manufacturers name ! Jay Turser is not Gibson you fool ! And to call Jay Turser Shit ! You have a bigot and an idiot roled into the same panty waisted coward ! Lose your job because the chinese do it better ! Sucks to be you ! Go back to school and man up ! Or is crying going to get you another low skill job as you come to work after lunch hammered on legal drugs ! Then the troll says "nice to be here without Bob " all I did was change the text ! I never left !

hammered on legal drugs ... sucks to be you?

Ew.

http://fayar.craigslist.org/mis/1232076168.html

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/19/116450033_4266fb5229_o.jpg

Marvelous DJ needs you!!!! (Los Angeles)
Reply to: job-uw6bt-1269270✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-07-14, 7:48AM PDT

Who wants to work parties with me next March and April and this summer maybe too????

one "Marvelous DJ" needs to hire dancers and employees for Bar and Bat-mitzvah parties ASAP!!!!!!!!

No experience necessary. I'm starting a new company. I have worked for the biggest entertainer in the business for over 10 years as his assistant.

I'm so good at what I have done in the past with my old company that I will start my own shit and make bank!!!!
My boss say I can't not do this, but I dont care.

Share the wealth. Jewish people have lots of money to spend on these parties.

I need dancers & people who know what do at events like if you have bartendering, or DJing, and party hyping experience or whatever.

I don't have a website cuz I dont need one, I'm that good.

so you'll have to call me for an audtion or unless you have videos of yourself dancing. Send sexy pictures only via email. Videos are a plus.

I am willing to pay more than any other DJ company out there cuz these fools dont know there are doing!!!

I dont have an office yet but hopefully I will someday and soon as I start booking more parties. : )

So email me and I will hit you back on my cell!

Also if there is anyone that needs a good party, please please please call me. I'm just getting started on my own, but I have tons of experience and can do a great job. I will only charge $50 per hour for now to make some quick money so I can get things rolling.

bartendering.

http://portland.craigslist.org/clc/cto/1285176217.html

portland craigslist > clackamas co > for sale / wanted > cars & trucks - by owner

In 1982, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court. - $999 (S. Salem)

Date: 2009-07-23, 11:54AM PDT

Reply to: sale-7gnnz-1285176✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when
replying to ads?]

For a crime they didn't commit.
http://i105.photobucket.com/albums/m211/jrbump/cars/bteam-1.jpg

These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Pacific Northwest underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire... The A Team.

1979 Ford Econoline, straight six. $999 runs great, leaks auto tranny fluid so you need to add it every now and then. Roll harder than any motherfucker on the street -includes sticker ready to be applied by the new owner.

* Location: S. Salem
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1285176217

musical synthizer - $50
Date: 2009-07-24, 2:02PM EDT
Reply to: sale-cwzun-1286871✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

synthizermay need repair may not dont kno.

* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/mis/1301431136.html