Blue Saturday

ach well, small sample size

Idk I always seem to hear from parents that they're in a constant state of anxiety fueled by love? I guess some ppl are better at pushing it aside to get basic lyfe done but I kind thought it was always there hovering nearby? The joy and the fear, so close together they're almost indistinguishable.

anxiety on some wave-length or other seems like permanent fixture in my life
most of my resentment is self-directed

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-z1qNQOyXHaQ/UpH8HxiA1YI/AAAAAAAAIoQ/m2pRtKR68G8/s1600/IMG_0467.JPG

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/11/b1/b4/11b1b45c0322aa98c0564935efafff25.jpg

https://kurungabaa.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/emil-nolde_mer.jpg

OMG J your tiny babby kids! They were so cute!

^^^
yeah, that's a beautiful photograph

i know - it stirs up the mixedest of emotions :/

(all love, not just eros, bittersweet/sweetbitter)
(nostalgia)

otm

you get to a point, if you make enough wrong decisions - or i imagine for plenty of people decisions are irrelevant - where an emptiness opens up that you have no way of filling, a lostness that you've got no map for. and this isn't depression, because you can function, you can hold down a job, you can close your eyes and mostly make that emptiness and lostness go away. you can drink to fill that hole - it doesn't fill it but it takes a while to drain away and at least it feels - well it numbs - like you're outside looking for your way. but really there's no way and no filling that hole because you've got to a point. you've got past a point.

i would like to put a hand on the shoulder of everybody who passed their point. cities full of people full of unfillable holes. helpless to one another. deep in the soft safe blue.

<3 :(

and yet and yet, but still but still
worlds irretrievably lost, possibilities irretrievably gone; but innumerable potentialities (trails to be followed, or ignored), experiences, points still to come, from which you’ll look back to now & think...

that’s what i tell myself, to rouse myself from torstupor, but tbh not sure that’s any help or consolation (& may be more terrifying)
to one adrift, at sea
(feel lost out in trackless blue too)

maybe, also, matter of opening oneself up to chance, chance still, to gamble & labyrinth of life, instead of shutting oneself off/ down/ away (which of course is gamble too, there’s no opting out of game)
(& of course certain kind of gambling = compulsive escaping)
(bad at taking my own advice, too often withdraw into hermit crab shell, with “:)” upon it as camouflage)

stimes worry about persistent numbness more than anguish, caring for/about others but not really giving a fuck about oneself (feeling that ‘me’ is just, or even less than, ‘one’), as if unconsciously avoiding pain that way, pain of loss & longing (dysfunctional buddhism)
as if
distant (re)call— shrug (vertigo) (until next abyssal night terror)

i would like to put a hand on the shoulder of

same. that gesture means a lot though, even just as letters on a screen

:-) this is ILX's home of emo posts

taking you at yr word here

got fired from muh job on sunday -- part of me is glad cus i wasn't having fun anymore and this forces me to do something different, but still, sucks being told you aren't good enough for something.

i've been spending this week smoking a lot of weed, drinking lots of black coffee and listening to techno with the aromatherapy oil burner diffusing lots of lavender to try to keep from feeling like shit. it's mostly working but still kinda blue.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jc_fzbP_SOs

they're not telling you you aren't good enough, they're telling you they aren't good enough

thanks bud

stay strong c

nice to see you clouds
nv otm

ya know, if i cd just get out from under relentless debt-driven spiral of abject poverishment i think i wd be as close to "winning" as i've been for years

thumbs

<3 clouds

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MsVhwQsh86c

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PMatuGwX8tY

beautiful day tempered by the feeling that the possibility of future emotional intimacy is remote

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yiEFi3FNBPE

not a cloud in the sky and perfectly still

gonna go walk and walk, Han is hanging round town with friends, tonight we'll watch West Side Story together and i'll remember i'm lucky forever

http://www.photology.com/assets/images/GHIRRI%20Luigi/sito1.Ghirri.Strada%20provinciale%20anime.Artissima%202011.jpg

http://imperfect.it/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/luigi_ghirri.jpg

http://www.egglestontrust.com/images/monographs/guide_l.jpg

https://lunamareterra.files.wordpress.com/2013/02/luigi-ghirri-c2a9-formigine-1985-da-il-profilo-delle-nuvole.jpg

http://www.ilpost.it/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/Fossati-Vittore-Oviglio-Alessandria-1981.jpg

http://s3.amazonaws.com/contemporaryartgroup/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/37024_01.jpg

some clouds now

It is a genuine source of irrational irritation when all the cafés/pubs with outdoor seating happen to be in the shade

blue sky Saturday

i shd think so

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEXQaQcwJao

that was meant to be this but whatever antheil is good too

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21SMdsr-i78

Sunday twilight still the cruelest moment of the week

maybe commit suicide by reading the John Lennon vs Paul McCartney thread

Eubie Blake is comforting tho

its still rather light and warm in london and forecast to remain settled for a while
sunday evening circa early november is more the ticket for high maudlin verging on dysphoric

oh i know we're 4/5 months downhill from here

And Cain said unto the LORD, My punishment is greater than I can bear.

every working day i wind up being judgey and opinionated and tho they may be important aspects of humanity they're the bits of myself that make me feel most sad and dislikeable

articulated this thought better in my head last night

the World is a grey wet vale of distracted corruption

thinking of maybe winning nu-lottery

if any of youse are a capricious millionaire would you consider paying me a living wage to work full-time as a flâneur? I will endeavour to write one mildly amusing status update per day or, for a slightly larger fee, not to

yeh i have indulged a couple of times lately but tbh more in hopes of an evening's leisure money than permanent retirement

both so unlikely they may as well be equally unlikely

that isn't true but

treu enough tbh

I like to play every few month even tho I know the chance of winning is zero, try explaining this to science bros tho

I don't check the ticket for ages it's awesome