Blue Saturday

issues around diagnosis get trickier as you get older and esp if you're a woman

nothing is an excuse tbh, how can we separate the biochemistry and social surroundings that brought us to where we are? how do we alter our characters unless our characters are already susceptible to mutability? sure there are things most of us can do to feel like we've got more control of our own lives but...i suspect a lot of that feeling mayn't be grounded in something acting freely and unencumbered with psychic baggage

god knows where self disappointment comes from but i suspect it's largely as programmed into us as any of those traits we wish we could change

nothing is an excuse, i mean, just a statement of where we are now and maybe partly how we got here, and a dream of getting elswehre that might only ever be a dream

Just about everybody I have ever liked would probably score high on the Autism Quotient numbers, peace to you all.

"issues around diagnosis get trickier as you get older and esp if you're a woman"

Diagnosis for girls might be problematic as well because there always seems to be a a male majority, my son's last group school photo has a 8:2 male:female ratio and this is at a school that is currently becoming a whole-autism school.

arguments abound as to whether that diagnosis gap reflects a real disparity or whether the current diagnostic criteria aren't adequate for identifying autism in women. i think the latter possibility is under-explored and needs more work.

think the bwo is playing the part of 'intentionally impenetrable knots in the woodwork' in logic of sense but come ao and atp has something more determinate and workable to it, tho not exactly easily so. incidentally, i've seen it fairly convincingly suggested that autism is a better term for what d&g are getting at with the bwo than schizophrenia is.

had never considered that and it is a v interesting notion

visiting mom and dad for a few nights gets stranger the older i get, weird juxtaposition of emotional states and ages, but it helps me think about the now.

pondering whether the desire for romance and adventure is only a delusional sickness at my age or whether it's a sharp poke towards being alive. veering towards the latter, hopeless as it feel sometimes.

Definitely the latter.

i think yeah. first problem is irl magic shit doesn't just happen out of the blue.

No; one has to facilitate its happening. But if you accept that it's the latter, then you can be positive and proactive about it, which is facilitating, surely?

sure. maybe. sure.

there's no desire that isn't heavily contingent on the real world and its infinite fuckery

which is okay, that's the game

bluuuuue

https://scontent-fra3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xat1/t31.0-8/11794200_10152903992596875_7233792094888157036_o.jpg

can't decide if anxiety and resentment are essential elements of parenthood or essential elements of middle age

I would say neither, I'm a middle aged parent and I feel neither of these emotions on a regular basis. ymmv.

ach well, small sample size

Idk I always seem to hear from parents that they're in a constant state of anxiety fueled by love? I guess some ppl are better at pushing it aside to get basic lyfe done but I kind thought it was always there hovering nearby? The joy and the fear, so close together they're almost indistinguishable.

anxiety on some wave-length or other seems like permanent fixture in my life
most of my resentment is self-directed

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-z1qNQOyXHaQ/UpH8HxiA1YI/AAAAAAAAIoQ/m2pRtKR68G8/s1600/IMG_0467.JPG

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/11/b1/b4/11b1b45c0322aa98c0564935efafff25.jpg

https://kurungabaa.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/emil-nolde_mer.jpg

OMG J your tiny babby kids! They were so cute!

^^^
yeah, that's a beautiful photograph

i know - it stirs up the mixedest of emotions :/

(all love, not just eros, bittersweet/sweetbitter)
(nostalgia)

otm

you get to a point, if you make enough wrong decisions - or i imagine for plenty of people decisions are irrelevant - where an emptiness opens up that you have no way of filling, a lostness that you've got no map for. and this isn't depression, because you can function, you can hold down a job, you can close your eyes and mostly make that emptiness and lostness go away. you can drink to fill that hole - it doesn't fill it but it takes a while to drain away and at least it feels - well it numbs - like you're outside looking for your way. but really there's no way and no filling that hole because you've got to a point. you've got past a point.

i would like to put a hand on the shoulder of everybody who passed their point. cities full of people full of unfillable holes. helpless to one another. deep in the soft safe blue.

<3 :(

and yet and yet, but still but still
worlds irretrievably lost, possibilities irretrievably gone; but innumerable potentialities (trails to be followed, or ignored), experiences, points still to come, from which you’ll look back to now & think...

that’s what i tell myself, to rouse myself from torstupor, but tbh not sure that’s any help or consolation (& may be more terrifying)
to one adrift, at sea
(feel lost out in trackless blue too)

maybe, also, matter of opening oneself up to chance, chance still, to gamble & labyrinth of life, instead of shutting oneself off/ down/ away (which of course is gamble too, there’s no opting out of game)
(& of course certain kind of gambling = compulsive escaping)
(bad at taking my own advice, too often withdraw into hermit crab shell, with “:)” upon it as camouflage)

stimes worry about persistent numbness more than anguish, caring for/about others but not really giving a fuck about oneself (feeling that ‘me’ is just, or even less than, ‘one’), as if unconsciously avoiding pain that way, pain of loss & longing (dysfunctional buddhism)
as if
distant (re)call— shrug (vertigo) (until next abyssal night terror)

i would like to put a hand on the shoulder of

same. that gesture means a lot though, even just as letters on a screen

:-) this is ILX's home of emo posts

taking you at yr word here

got fired from muh job on sunday -- part of me is glad cus i wasn't having fun anymore and this forces me to do something different, but still, sucks being told you aren't good enough for something.

i've been spending this week smoking a lot of weed, drinking lots of black coffee and listening to techno with the aromatherapy oil burner diffusing lots of lavender to try to keep from feeling like shit. it's mostly working but still kinda blue.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jc_fzbP_SOs

they're not telling you you aren't good enough, they're telling you they aren't good enough

thanks bud

stay strong c

nice to see you clouds
nv otm

ya know, if i cd just get out from under relentless debt-driven spiral of abject poverishment i think i wd be as close to "winning" as i've been for years

thumbs

<3 clouds

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MsVhwQsh86c

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PMatuGwX8tY

beautiful day tempered by the feeling that the possibility of future emotional intimacy is remote

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yiEFi3FNBPE

not a cloud in the sky and perfectly still

gonna go walk and walk, Han is hanging round town with friends, tonight we'll watch West Side Story together and i'll remember i'm lucky forever

http://www.photology.com/assets/images/GHIRRI%20Luigi/sito1.Ghirri.Strada%20provinciale%20anime.Artissima%202011.jpg

http://imperfect.it/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/luigi_ghirri.jpg

http://www.egglestontrust.com/images/monographs/guide_l.jpg

https://lunamareterra.files.wordpress.com/2013/02/luigi-ghirri-c2a9-formigine-1985-da-il-profilo-delle-nuvole.jpg

http://www.ilpost.it/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/Fossati-Vittore-Oviglio-Alessandria-1981.jpg

http://s3.amazonaws.com/contemporaryartgroup/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/37024_01.jpg

some clouds now

It is a genuine source of irrational irritation when all the cafés/pubs with outdoor seating happen to be in the shade

blue sky Saturday

i shd think so

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEXQaQcwJao

that was meant to be this but whatever antheil is good too

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21SMdsr-i78

Sunday twilight still the cruelest moment of the week