Blue Saturday

boss told me not to be "too philosophical" when drawing up my own staff development stuff this week, this is the demand the world keeps making of me, quiescence, minimal-reflective action, get along little dogie, get along

― 2 jazz boys 1 jazz cup (Noodle Vague), Tuesday, June 30, 2015 1:07 AM (1 week ago)

been reading d+g if i've got it right i think they say u shld dismantle their faces w/ a brick when they talk like this

that wd align with my reading too but my boss isn't the villain here really, we just have different approaches to our werk

i was gonna respond to what you said about x1000 Plat in the other thread before - rigorous concepts with definitions buried elsewhere in the text or even in other texts - it's all good food (was gonna say "fun" there but let's let it ride) anyway - my copy has Brian Massumi trying to explain some of the concepts in the foreword but tbh i still think of BWOs as intentionally impenetrable knots in the woodwork

think my body without organs is me reified as the little Buddhas figures i like to collect, all solid and rounded and made of one piece of i don't know what really

which would probably serve purpose as brick like projectiles come to think of it :)

marzipan

shd've let this diversion wander into the D&G thread really

LINES OF FLIGHT

i wd've eaten marzipan Buddha even tho i'm not wild about marzipan apart from as necessary element of Christmas/wedding cake

a marzipan buddha overloading a deterritorialized wedding cake = my decade

'who left this cake here?!?'

nomad proverb: "it is dangerous to contemplate cake when the baker's is a week's ride distant"

enjoying this discussion.

that proverb, i mean.

it is not a question of enjoyment

rather it is a question of intensities

yesterday i told my brother i'm angry at my parents and sad he's raising his kid mormon after de-friending him on facebook. i was sad after that but feeling better today if a little fuzzy. nv that kind of behavior training is gross indoctrination and of course you would react to it. xp yeah yeah

families & sadness and gross indoctrination, i feel you. so much of relationships ends up being about protecting yrself, which is sucky. i'm trying to take that consciousness about how other people make me feel and use it to remind me how not to treat the people i care about in future

yeah it's truly more rewarding than castigating the shits who are thicker than yourself, an unhealthy habit like smoking cigarettes made all the more pleasurable by how few people do it, ultimately hollow and destructive though.

god knows sometimes i need a cig or a quick castigate

nagged by the idea that i'm too dilettante and inattentive and that i shd find some subject to get deep into, a project to structure my life around maybe, then my butterfly brain just flits off again going nowehre but round the same tiny back yard of insubstantial flowers

oh I relate. I like to internet-diagnose myself with things as excuses for my inability to get on in various senses and so far the single but all-annulling entry in the Against column of "am I 'on the spectrum'?" is that I have never been deep into anything. I've had fairly narrow interests but even there I have always been content to skim the surface, look at the pretty pictures, and then go back to bed

imagine my surprise on starting my computing degree and meeting the competition

maybe one of these years I'll find something I can get deep enough into that I'll know what I should have done instead

yall going deep is very often going shallow think about it. you have strengths the competition doesn't have.

yeah if i was talking to somebody else i'd make that argument, i guess lately i feel a rootlessness nagging at me and maybe stopping me from getting anywhere i'd like to go - literally as well as psychically.

aps i don't think deep level fixations are an always-present feature of autism, something i've pondered myself too

it is entirely possible to be on the spectrum in a fairly major way & yet feel diffident towards almost everything

regards,

eh I just want a badge to say it's not my fault, but it is my fault, and it's not even an interesting fault because probably most people feel this lost anyway and how arrogant of me to have expected not to

sorry you've had a bad few months, best wishes and stuff

god knows sometimes i need a cig or a quick castigate

― This is for my new ringpiece, so please only serious answers (Noodle Vague), Sunday, July 12, 2015 5:11 PM (3 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

you'll go blind you know

ty xp

was just backing you up - it's a valid factor in behavioural abnormality & altho self-diagnosis is a troublesome proposition, if it helps you rationalise the way you are then it's probably a good thing

issues around diagnosis get trickier as you get older and esp if you're a woman

nothing is an excuse tbh, how can we separate the biochemistry and social surroundings that brought us to where we are? how do we alter our characters unless our characters are already susceptible to mutability? sure there are things most of us can do to feel like we've got more control of our own lives but...i suspect a lot of that feeling mayn't be grounded in something acting freely and unencumbered with psychic baggage

god knows where self disappointment comes from but i suspect it's largely as programmed into us as any of those traits we wish we could change

nothing is an excuse, i mean, just a statement of where we are now and maybe partly how we got here, and a dream of getting elswehre that might only ever be a dream

Just about everybody I have ever liked would probably score high on the Autism Quotient numbers, peace to you all.

"issues around diagnosis get trickier as you get older and esp if you're a woman"

Diagnosis for girls might be problematic as well because there always seems to be a a male majority, my son's last group school photo has a 8:2 male:female ratio and this is at a school that is currently becoming a whole-autism school.

arguments abound as to whether that diagnosis gap reflects a real disparity or whether the current diagnostic criteria aren't adequate for identifying autism in women. i think the latter possibility is under-explored and needs more work.

think the bwo is playing the part of 'intentionally impenetrable knots in the woodwork' in logic of sense but come ao and atp has something more determinate and workable to it, tho not exactly easily so. incidentally, i've seen it fairly convincingly suggested that autism is a better term for what d&g are getting at with the bwo than schizophrenia is.

had never considered that and it is a v interesting notion

visiting mom and dad for a few nights gets stranger the older i get, weird juxtaposition of emotional states and ages, but it helps me think about the now.

pondering whether the desire for romance and adventure is only a delusional sickness at my age or whether it's a sharp poke towards being alive. veering towards the latter, hopeless as it feel sometimes.

Definitely the latter.

i think yeah. first problem is irl magic shit doesn't just happen out of the blue.

No; one has to facilitate its happening. But if you accept that it's the latter, then you can be positive and proactive about it, which is facilitating, surely?

sure. maybe. sure.

there's no desire that isn't heavily contingent on the real world and its infinite fuckery

which is okay, that's the game

bluuuuue

https://scontent-fra3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xat1/t31.0-8/11794200_10152903992596875_7233792094888157036_o.jpg

can't decide if anxiety and resentment are essential elements of parenthood or essential elements of middle age

I would say neither, I'm a middle aged parent and I feel neither of these emotions on a regular basis. ymmv.

ach well, small sample size

Idk I always seem to hear from parents that they're in a constant state of anxiety fueled by love? I guess some ppl are better at pushing it aside to get basic lyfe done but I kind thought it was always there hovering nearby? The joy and the fear, so close together they're almost indistinguishable.

anxiety on some wave-length or other seems like permanent fixture in my life
most of my resentment is self-directed

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-z1qNQOyXHaQ/UpH8HxiA1YI/AAAAAAAAIoQ/m2pRtKR68G8/s1600/IMG_0467.JPG

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/11/b1/b4/11b1b45c0322aa98c0564935efafff25.jpg

https://kurungabaa.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/emil-nolde_mer.jpg

OMG J your tiny babby kids! They were so cute!

^^^
yeah, that's a beautiful photograph

i know - it stirs up the mixedest of emotions :/

(all love, not just eros, bittersweet/sweetbitter)
(nostalgia)

otm

you get to a point, if you make enough wrong decisions - or i imagine for plenty of people decisions are irrelevant - where an emptiness opens up that you have no way of filling, a lostness that you've got no map for. and this isn't depression, because you can function, you can hold down a job, you can close your eyes and mostly make that emptiness and lostness go away. you can drink to fill that hole - it doesn't fill it but it takes a while to drain away and at least it feels - well it numbs - like you're outside looking for your way. but really there's no way and no filling that hole because you've got to a point. you've got past a point.

i would like to put a hand on the shoulder of everybody who passed their point. cities full of people full of unfillable holes. helpless to one another. deep in the soft safe blue.