Blue Saturday

walk something like this tightrope too

“i remembered something i'd forgot”
for me this hits at night, like night terror, but wave of awful awakening, indescribable dread & anxiety

one time it didn’t dissipate, persisted for days nights days nights weeks months… interminable black hole

maybe i so fear that experience recurring that i’ll take shallow self-distracted quasi-pseudo-contentment
but what if it’s deadened numbness i’m living—
and what if it’s the numbness that eventually leads to the terror

related to regret & mid-life crisis threads
trying to find/live some kind of wakefulness between numbness & nauseating angst
that’s painful but also only possible access maybe to something sometimes sorta resembling ‘happiness’

sorry for emo post

:-) this is ILX's home of emo posts

i recognize all those self-questions. but i also know, when i remember, that right now i'm pretty healthy and reasonably well-adjusted and seasoning that with a dash of "don't repeat all those feckless missteps you made for years" is probly as near-good as it can reasonably get.

and mostly that's ok.

but god there's nothing like an annual staff conference to reaffirm my faith in wanting this way of running the world to come to a rapid halt

and when you've had a half hour of would be standup comedy and retooled CBT and "mindfulness" spewed out in the service of being a more effective tool of yr employers then just a little bit of deadened numbness feels like an ok vaccine

http://player.bfi.org.uk/film/watch-hull-street-scenes-1957/

this is so fucking beautiful, we shd build an internet where a billion silent documents of IRL bloom

aw video not authorized for my location
but found (another?) john turner film here: http://www.yorkshirefilmarchive.com/film/hull-street-scenes-1
so fucking beautiful, yes

i've not gone back and checked but the BFI video may be partly the same footage. Yorkshire Film Archive has a lot of brilliant things on it.

nagged by the idea that i'm too dilettante and inattentive and that i shd find some subject to get deep into, a project to structure my life around maybe, then my butterfly brain just flits off again going nowehre but round the same tiny back yard of insubstantial flowers

& then it transpires that as a functionally straight white male you have nothing of any worth to give, but that you can't even complain about this because you've been the oppressor for centuries and your privilege must be taken down by vast and impersonal means

having a really shit few months myself, obv

:-(

fwiw I do not think the request for more female voices in that thread equated to "str8 men are not allowed to speak ever" (and I do think it was gross that a load of men immediately felt the need to make their own voices heard as tho this was the case)

:\

i'm sorry to hear that dude. hope things get better for you.

^ :(

Bright side at least functionally straight amirite m8s B-)

posting itt as is customary when following someone around inside a dept store hi all

deems are you racially profiling again

perfect

lol

srsly tho and kudos aside, I follow 100% sww with posh accents around dept stores I think I'm doing my bit to break the cycle

i have been familiarizing myself with the work of Alfie Deyes tbf

ty ppl, can trust you lot to be kind & compassionate above all

boss told me not to be "too philosophical" when drawing up my own staff development stuff this week, this is the demand the world keeps making of me, quiescence, minimal-reflective action, get along little dogie, get along

― 2 jazz boys 1 jazz cup (Noodle Vague), Tuesday, June 30, 2015 1:07 AM (1 week ago)

been reading d+g if i've got it right i think they say u shld dismantle their faces w/ a brick when they talk like this

that wd align with my reading too but my boss isn't the villain here really, we just have different approaches to our werk

i was gonna respond to what you said about x1000 Plat in the other thread before - rigorous concepts with definitions buried elsewhere in the text or even in other texts - it's all good food (was gonna say "fun" there but let's let it ride) anyway - my copy has Brian Massumi trying to explain some of the concepts in the foreword but tbh i still think of BWOs as intentionally impenetrable knots in the woodwork

think my body without organs is me reified as the little Buddhas figures i like to collect, all solid and rounded and made of one piece of i don't know what really

which would probably serve purpose as brick like projectiles come to think of it :)

marzipan

shd've let this diversion wander into the D&G thread really

LINES OF FLIGHT

i wd've eaten marzipan Buddha even tho i'm not wild about marzipan apart from as necessary element of Christmas/wedding cake

a marzipan buddha overloading a deterritorialized wedding cake = my decade

'who left this cake here?!?'

nomad proverb: "it is dangerous to contemplate cake when the baker's is a week's ride distant"

enjoying this discussion.

that proverb, i mean.

it is not a question of enjoyment

rather it is a question of intensities

yesterday i told my brother i'm angry at my parents and sad he's raising his kid mormon after de-friending him on facebook. i was sad after that but feeling better today if a little fuzzy. nv that kind of behavior training is gross indoctrination and of course you would react to it. xp yeah yeah

families & sadness and gross indoctrination, i feel you. so much of relationships ends up being about protecting yrself, which is sucky. i'm trying to take that consciousness about how other people make me feel and use it to remind me how not to treat the people i care about in future

yeah it's truly more rewarding than castigating the shits who are thicker than yourself, an unhealthy habit like smoking cigarettes made all the more pleasurable by how few people do it, ultimately hollow and destructive though.

god knows sometimes i need a cig or a quick castigate

nagged by the idea that i'm too dilettante and inattentive and that i shd find some subject to get deep into, a project to structure my life around maybe, then my butterfly brain just flits off again going nowehre but round the same tiny back yard of insubstantial flowers

oh I relate. I like to internet-diagnose myself with things as excuses for my inability to get on in various senses and so far the single but all-annulling entry in the Against column of "am I 'on the spectrum'?" is that I have never been deep into anything. I've had fairly narrow interests but even there I have always been content to skim the surface, look at the pretty pictures, and then go back to bed

imagine my surprise on starting my computing degree and meeting the competition

maybe one of these years I'll find something I can get deep enough into that I'll know what I should have done instead

yall going deep is very often going shallow think about it. you have strengths the competition doesn't have.

yeah if i was talking to somebody else i'd make that argument, i guess lately i feel a rootlessness nagging at me and maybe stopping me from getting anywhere i'd like to go - literally as well as psychically.

aps i don't think deep level fixations are an always-present feature of autism, something i've pondered myself too

it is entirely possible to be on the spectrum in a fairly major way & yet feel diffident towards almost everything

regards,

eh I just want a badge to say it's not my fault, but it is my fault, and it's not even an interesting fault because probably most people feel this lost anyway and how arrogant of me to have expected not to

sorry you've had a bad few months, best wishes and stuff

god knows sometimes i need a cig or a quick castigate

― This is for my new ringpiece, so please only serious answers (Noodle Vague), Sunday, July 12, 2015 5:11 PM (3 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

you'll go blind you know

ty xp

was just backing you up - it's a valid factor in behavioural abnormality & altho self-diagnosis is a troublesome proposition, if it helps you rationalise the way you are then it's probably a good thing

issues around diagnosis get trickier as you get older and esp if you're a woman

nothing is an excuse tbh, how can we separate the biochemistry and social surroundings that brought us to where we are? how do we alter our characters unless our characters are already susceptible to mutability? sure there are things most of us can do to feel like we've got more control of our own lives but...i suspect a lot of that feeling mayn't be grounded in something acting freely and unencumbered with psychic baggage

god knows where self disappointment comes from but i suspect it's largely as programmed into us as any of those traits we wish we could change

nothing is an excuse, i mean, just a statement of where we are now and maybe partly how we got here, and a dream of getting elswehre that might only ever be a dream

Just about everybody I have ever liked would probably score high on the Autism Quotient numbers, peace to you all.

"issues around diagnosis get trickier as you get older and esp if you're a woman"

Diagnosis for girls might be problematic as well because there always seems to be a a male majority, my son's last group school photo has a 8:2 male:female ratio and this is at a school that is currently becoming a whole-autism school.

arguments abound as to whether that diagnosis gap reflects a real disparity or whether the current diagnostic criteria aren't adequate for identifying autism in women. i think the latter possibility is under-explored and needs more work.