a clown car full of millionaires: the 2016 presidential primary thread

let's see who the true leader of the GOP is

i'd love to see a GOP roundtable debate without a moderator or any questions. just 10 candidates (or 15 or 20 or whatever they're up to now) shouting over each other and competing for attention for 2 hours

― 1992 ball boy (Karl Malone),

how do you tell the difference

in my version a fistfight breaks out at the halfway point

between who?

a moderated and unmoderated GOP debate

The god of GOP candidates demands more sacrifices! More! Bring them to me so that I may feast!

lol

i imagine an involuntary eyeroll from lindsay graham could be like the assassination of archduke ferdinand

roy innis should run

they should have round-robin cage-match style debates

they should make them all stand on little poles out in the water, like on survivor. just to winnow it down a little. last five or six get to be real candidates. winner gets immunity for the next primary.

The official 'only 10 candidates' debate has an satellite linkup to an 11th podium in the cage, suspended by chains 8 feet over the floor. There are ladders.

NCAA-style brackets, dude

i think there should definitely be a wildcard "mystery candidate" slot, where one of the candidates eliminated in the early rounds gets to come back and the camera cuts to the stunned faces of the others, who thought they'd gotten away with burning their bridges. oh shit -- now it's on!

finale features final grudge-match battle w reanimated corpse of Ronald Reagan

reagan corpse has been keeping track of how many times candidates name-checked him. his wrath is terrible.

I want Issa to run, if only so he can shout "BENGHAZI!" as the answer to every question

Couldn't stand the guy and he was a recovering alcoholic, but that said, I would've had a beer with Shrubya.

It would've been like me walking into the bar at about 2:30 in the afternoon, and he's there by himself, and I'm just about to turn back out before anyone sees me, but no, he's all WHERE YOU GOING, PLAINS? COME HERE AND HAVE A DRINK. Then he holds up a sketch of a poodle he's drawn on a receipt pad, and I'd be all OK, JUST ONE.

But this zoo that's running now? Not a one. Maybe Rand if I was already blitzed, but that's it.

i would have a beer with W if part of the deal was that i could poison the beer

Sneaky bastard would hold up a vial of antidote between his finger and thumb and say, WAY AHEAD OF YOU, DOC. BEEN TAKING THIS STUFF FOR YEARS.

i'd go to a wedding with carly fiorina

I would have a beer w Lady Lindsey, feel like partying w him could get p weird

all right i tried to dream up some more activity+candidate ideas and that's p much it

xp

like you have a heineken and the next thing you know you're both going with a hippie to a second location which turns out to actually be a drone-control center and you spend the rest of the night blowing up weddings in Yemen

Feel like an afternoon drunk with Lindsey would be full of vague statements and awkward stares.

He'd say, "you understand what I mean by that, right Plains?" and not blink for a solid minute. My mind would bounce back and forth between "Is he talking about his sexuality?" or "does he think I'm racist too because I'm white?"

i'd enjoy a nice afternoon stroll with the jindals, maybe some coffee and gelato, maybe a oh fuck it im kinda diggin bobby jindals wife

whens she gonna ditch the goof with the supercut and get with a real thug

lol @ ethan

which turns out to actually be a drone-control center and you spend the rest of the night blowing up weddings in Yemen

c'mon, this is an Obama fantasy, give credit where it's due

not a fantasy

as you would usually be the first to point out

tried to dream up some more activity+candidate ideas and that's p much it

I would shoot an apple off the head of Scott Walker.

in obama fantasy you'll do a bit of augustine & aquinas reading at the drone-control center

i meant the fantasy of giving Shakey a clearance

wd get stoned with carly but it appears she's anti-pot :(

Jindal has a 27 percent approval rating as gov of Louisiana. 27 percent! I don't understand the mentality of someone who has a 27 percent approval rating as governor and thinks they will/should get elected president.

Christie on his heels

Jindal's been told he's viable for like 8 years now. He's smoking his own dope.

Maybe with enough Abitas I could convince Jindal to try to [exorcise me](http://www.utne.com/mind-and-body/the-exorcism-of-bobby-jindal.aspx).

i caught part of a glenn beck radio show broadcast a few weeks ago. he interviewed jindal and told him at the end that he was one of the top 5 candidates he would support. he also said that jindal is "a good guy"

one of the top 5 candidates he would support

glenn beck has wide sympathies

maybe he does instant-runoff voting all by his lonesome

will Christie be indicted before January, y or n?

really need one of those Bill Safire "Nixon analyzes the race from the afterlife" columns now, alas.

ok wait. seriously, christie is running?

it's like every time i say oh there's no way he'll run now, that guy runs anyway.

you're up, sarah.

Well, Christie is waddling, actually...

http://youtu.be/_K0sRkvX4KE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?t=49&v=_K0sRkvX4KE

YouTube parsing code could use an update, I think...

wtf is that

I think my brain just exploded.

constitutionally incapable of presenting himself as anything but a smarmy jagoff. he's a human cringe. unreal.