Blue Saturday

hanging on for (another) life

bit blue myself today (deep underwater, staring into void)

thanks for intro to king gesar

http://college.holycross.edu/projects/himalayan_cultures/2011_plans/gkakas/Images/Gesar_01.jpg

blue, it has to be said, has come to be my favourite swathe of colours

https://scaaic.org/app/uploads/2014/12/jmpool.jpg

had a real blip of unexpected depression y/day, full-on sensitivity to too much noise, people, etc., couldn't think at all, heart fluttering around an anxiety attack...hadn't felt like this for months and months

and it was partly ramped up by this innocuous training session all about behaviour management, and the part of me that was fiercely resisting/made nauseous by the model of a sensible and orderly society that the trainer was pitching and my compadres was nodding along to...it's hard to explain, i wanted to argue but i didn't have the strength and it didn't seem pertinent and i figured it was my pathology

what people around me seem to desire and accept as a good world makes me very ill with fear and sadness sometimes. i dunno if not being depressed has involved me hiding this from myself or displacing it or trying to ignore it, or if yesterday was an outlying biochemical accident. but i remembered something i'd forgot. and being functional - in my current social context - seems to depend on forgetting it

i'm far from claiming i'm right and they're wrong but i am really not compatible with Stepford and its ongoing psychic demands

boss told me not to be "too philosophical" when drawing up my own staff development stuff this week, this is the demand the world keeps making of me, quiescence, minimal-reflective action, get along little dogie, get along

question raised also - this thread = symptom of illness or notepad of being awake??

don't want to be like kafa on a downer but those two feel complementary more than exclusive. "this long disease my life" as alexander pope said it.

there's a principle, which is to remove from the approach to life anything that might lead to uncertainty, unhappiness, melancholy or a feeling that life is empty. it's a form of utilitarianism I think, or maybe reverse utilitarianism - an approach designed to deliver the greatest number of goods for me. it's an approach that suggests having a philosophical view, or a style of thought that includes unpragmatic ideals, is unlikely to lead to an uncluttered or usefully productive life and is therefore bad. When held up to the light it frankly looks like some sort of dystopic anti-thought mentality, but at the same time, I'm not so sure it's such a bad thing. Keep it simple. There's enough stuff to bring unhappiness and complication in life without adding to it with post-20th century philosophical involutions. A form of decandence. Why are we so sure about the potential for our unhappiness and tangles of complications to lead to something like truthes? That's even assuming those truthes would be useful, illuminating or good.

Perhaps unfortunately I'm not that person. For better or for worse I've always been with the guy at the end of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. And frankly people who seem to have quite a happy career or house/family/retirement plan give me the heebie-jeebies. Though good on 'em I guess.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUB3ZR4F8vw

I worked hard on getting there don't knock it its p fucking great

darragh i wouldn't undermine your sublime ascension to an enfranchised and corporate mortality, but all us less-fortunate plebs have left to us is a sort of begrimed and filthy resentment and depression. You won't take that away at least will you. I'm drinking fwiw.

he thinks the suffering in Greece is hyperbolic, or is he just constantly trolling?

u misspells hilarious

fzls I was more referring to

"There's enough stuff to bring unhappiness and complication in life without adding to it with post-20th century philosophical involutions. A form of decandence. Why are we so sure about the potential for our unhappiness and tangles of complications to lead to something like truthes? That's even assuming those truthes would be useful, illuminating or good."

tbh

ppl who aren't butchers shd be allowed whatever satori they attain is my take

am enjoying the species v much btw

fuckin phone I swear

selfies

oh I was just fooling around. but yeah I think I'd read your bit as a wry "hey, don't ruin it it for those of us who have attained it" rather than "leave my truthes alone, I like em!"

loving the e in truths it is a helpful reminder to an uncultured paddy

selfie series is amusing me mightily for now, plus documenting the mondane

obv my irl self is a perma-dialectic between blandly smiling acceptance and tortured sophist boychild and i wdn't give the laurels to either of those guys

i killed the monday depresso in quick order - have acquired some skill in not thinking - but think is still the deep dark ocean i flounder in for better or woerse

i remembered something i'd forgot. and being functional - in my current social context - seems to depend on forgetting it

oh i know this feeling, and the sudden horror of "how could i allow myself to forget this for so long when in reality it gets worse every day" versus "i need to forget this again or i will feel it getting worse every day"

good vibes people

liked the fizzles post obv

walk something like this tightrope too

“i remembered something i'd forgot”
for me this hits at night, like night terror, but wave of awful awakening, indescribable dread & anxiety

one time it didn’t dissipate, persisted for days nights days nights weeks months… interminable black hole

maybe i so fear that experience recurring that i’ll take shallow self-distracted quasi-pseudo-contentment
but what if it’s deadened numbness i’m living—
and what if it’s the numbness that eventually leads to the terror

related to regret & mid-life crisis threads
trying to find/live some kind of wakefulness between numbness & nauseating angst
that’s painful but also only possible access maybe to something sometimes sorta resembling ‘happiness’

sorry for emo post

:-) this is ILX's home of emo posts

i recognize all those self-questions. but i also know, when i remember, that right now i'm pretty healthy and reasonably well-adjusted and seasoning that with a dash of "don't repeat all those feckless missteps you made for years" is probly as near-good as it can reasonably get.

and mostly that's ok.

but god there's nothing like an annual staff conference to reaffirm my faith in wanting this way of running the world to come to a rapid halt

and when you've had a half hour of would be standup comedy and retooled CBT and "mindfulness" spewed out in the service of being a more effective tool of yr employers then just a little bit of deadened numbness feels like an ok vaccine

http://player.bfi.org.uk/film/watch-hull-street-scenes-1957/

this is so fucking beautiful, we shd build an internet where a billion silent documents of IRL bloom

aw video not authorized for my location
but found (another?) john turner film here: http://www.yorkshirefilmarchive.com/film/hull-street-scenes-1
so fucking beautiful, yes

i've not gone back and checked but the BFI video may be partly the same footage. Yorkshire Film Archive has a lot of brilliant things on it.

nagged by the idea that i'm too dilettante and inattentive and that i shd find some subject to get deep into, a project to structure my life around maybe, then my butterfly brain just flits off again going nowehre but round the same tiny back yard of insubstantial flowers

& then it transpires that as a functionally straight white male you have nothing of any worth to give, but that you can't even complain about this because you've been the oppressor for centuries and your privilege must be taken down by vast and impersonal means

having a really shit few months myself, obv

:-(

fwiw I do not think the request for more female voices in that thread equated to "str8 men are not allowed to speak ever" (and I do think it was gross that a load of men immediately felt the need to make their own voices heard as tho this was the case)

:\

i'm sorry to hear that dude. hope things get better for you.

^ :(

Bright side at least functionally straight amirite m8s B-)

posting itt as is customary when following someone around inside a dept store hi all

deems are you racially profiling again

perfect

lol

srsly tho and kudos aside, I follow 100% sww with posh accents around dept stores I think I'm doing my bit to break the cycle

i have been familiarizing myself with the work of Alfie Deyes tbf

ty ppl, can trust you lot to be kind & compassionate above all

boss told me not to be "too philosophical" when drawing up my own staff development stuff this week, this is the demand the world keeps making of me, quiescence, minimal-reflective action, get along little dogie, get along

― 2 jazz boys 1 jazz cup (Noodle Vague), Tuesday, June 30, 2015 1:07 AM (1 week ago)

been reading d+g if i've got it right i think they say u shld dismantle their faces w/ a brick when they talk like this

that wd align with my reading too but my boss isn't the villain here really, we just have different approaches to our werk

i was gonna respond to what you said about x1000 Plat in the other thread before - rigorous concepts with definitions buried elsewhere in the text or even in other texts - it's all good food (was gonna say "fun" there but let's let it ride) anyway - my copy has Brian Massumi trying to explain some of the concepts in the foreword but tbh i still think of BWOs as intentionally impenetrable knots in the woodwork

think my body without organs is me reified as the little Buddhas figures i like to collect, all solid and rounded and made of one piece of i don't know what really

which would probably serve purpose as brick like projectiles come to think of it :)

marzipan

shd've let this diversion wander into the D&G thread really

LINES OF FLIGHT

i wd've eaten marzipan Buddha even tho i'm not wild about marzipan apart from as necessary element of Christmas/wedding cake

a marzipan buddha overloading a deterritorialized wedding cake = my decade

'who left this cake here?!?'