Blue Saturday

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b05v2xkr/pop-slam-series-2-3-sam-smith-v-selena-gomez

for a limited time only may feature 2 seconds of Hannah around the 2'10" mark

Selena Gomez was on my last issue of V magazine. she looked 12.

told Han 2 years ago she'd've chosen Selena over Sam Smith in a shot

monday morning, dark grey drizzle sky, y/day i realised i got nothing going on but the same empty distractions - which isn't depressing as such, i am fairly firmly post-depression, but it is...pitiful or pathetic or something of that ilk

summer is never going to come, i'm never going to be not bumping along the line of subsistence

ugh

need to empty my head more. outside has been unpleasantly unreal/distant lately.

I have been looking at drugs.com for a safer version of self-medication lately and discovered Rhodiola Rosea, just mentioning it because allegedly it can be beneficial for managing mild to moderate depression and mental fatigue. I couldn't tell you if it is any good because it hasn't dropped through the letterbox yet but I was reading somewhere that it is has been used by the Russian military for decades as an organic stimulant.

interesting

the more i think about it the more i think about how everything revolves around science and chemistry but then there's art which throws me off

i dunno, all i know is that drugs can be a good thing

hey hannah on tv!

wait are we only supposed to post on this thread on Saturdays? oops

no, just on saturnine days iirc

ok got it

I think we agreed it was "blues at ur day"

^^^

Blues a turd, ay

I'm in a readerly mood today, gonna start several books and not finish them

Very nearly bought a copy of bernhard's der untergeher that had been discounted to £1 in waterstone's, even though it was in German

Thinking of reading trollope's palliser novels, they look appealing sitting on my shelf idk

My friend just read all of zola's 20-novel cycle, I forget the name, it was kind of inspiring, kind of what kind of demented hobbyist reads (writes) novels tbpfidkw/e

Took me a thousand years to read Céline's trilogy and I don't know what I got from it

's funny i've got 3 or 4 books on the go atm and can't get stuck into anything, not sure if this is encroaching senility or what

Kristin Davis is gorgeous

no argument here

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51dEUKCMyIk

that spiraling apathy and somnolence that consumes me all weekend... can't tell if it's better or worse than the anxiety that accompanies the work week. i guess with the latter there's less chance of me going off the deep end.

work week anxiety is so fake though. it's like you get home and you think about that thing that happened at work and you're like, was i acting in a play?

weird, that's exactly how i felt the other week - "why do i behave like that? i don't like it, it isn't me"

yea it's like you 2.0

http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/science-sushi/files/2014/05/Deep_desert_PLoS.png

Naran Goohon was very distressed,
Taking his out from between her legs
She pushed the baby away from her.
Sengelen Noyon said to his wife:
“It is a good thing for a man
To have a son born to him
At an age when he will soon become
Old and decrepit.
A son is good for a man,
A yolk is good for an egg!”
He dandled the ugly and unsavory child on his knee,
He put him in his cradle.
The reddish-faced son of Sengelen Noyon
Was decidedly different from the very start.
As soon as he was born he was
Raising his right arm as if to strike,
Bending his leg as if to kick,
The right eye looking straight ahead,
The left eye squinting.

The father and mother were vary surprised,
Naran Goohon was very astonished,
“Raising the right hand so has what meaning?
Bending the leg in this way had what meaning?
Why does the right eye look straight ahead?
Why does he squint his left eye?
When she had said these words in wonder,
The ugly unsavory boy spoke these words as he lay in the cradle:
“I raise my right hand to strike down my brave enemies,
I bend my leg to kick my cowardly enemies,
Glancing with my right eye I see the right way to go,
Squinting with my left eye I see through deception.”
Thus were the words of the little red infant as he lay there.

one day we will all be rebooted please Shiva

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-axunmvg2bNM/UYLFeGHBqwI/AAAAAAAAQA8/fT_v7TF3tbs/s1600/hanginthere001.jpg

hanging on for (another) life

bit blue myself today (deep underwater, staring into void)

thanks for intro to king gesar

http://college.holycross.edu/projects/himalayan_cultures/2011_plans/gkakas/Images/Gesar_01.jpg

blue, it has to be said, has come to be my favourite swathe of colours

https://scaaic.org/app/uploads/2014/12/jmpool.jpg

had a real blip of unexpected depression y/day, full-on sensitivity to too much noise, people, etc., couldn't think at all, heart fluttering around an anxiety attack...hadn't felt like this for months and months

and it was partly ramped up by this innocuous training session all about behaviour management, and the part of me that was fiercely resisting/made nauseous by the model of a sensible and orderly society that the trainer was pitching and my compadres was nodding along to...it's hard to explain, i wanted to argue but i didn't have the strength and it didn't seem pertinent and i figured it was my pathology

what people around me seem to desire and accept as a good world makes me very ill with fear and sadness sometimes. i dunno if not being depressed has involved me hiding this from myself or displacing it or trying to ignore it, or if yesterday was an outlying biochemical accident. but i remembered something i'd forgot. and being functional - in my current social context - seems to depend on forgetting it

i'm far from claiming i'm right and they're wrong but i am really not compatible with Stepford and its ongoing psychic demands

boss told me not to be "too philosophical" when drawing up my own staff development stuff this week, this is the demand the world keeps making of me, quiescence, minimal-reflective action, get along little dogie, get along

question raised also - this thread = symptom of illness or notepad of being awake??

don't want to be like kafa on a downer but those two feel complementary more than exclusive. "this long disease my life" as alexander pope said it.

there's a principle, which is to remove from the approach to life anything that might lead to uncertainty, unhappiness, melancholy or a feeling that life is empty. it's a form of utilitarianism I think, or maybe reverse utilitarianism - an approach designed to deliver the greatest number of goods for me. it's an approach that suggests having a philosophical view, or a style of thought that includes unpragmatic ideals, is unlikely to lead to an uncluttered or usefully productive life and is therefore bad. When held up to the light it frankly looks like some sort of dystopic anti-thought mentality, but at the same time, I'm not so sure it's such a bad thing. Keep it simple. There's enough stuff to bring unhappiness and complication in life without adding to it with post-20th century philosophical involutions. A form of decandence. Why are we so sure about the potential for our unhappiness and tangles of complications to lead to something like truthes? That's even assuming those truthes would be useful, illuminating or good.

Perhaps unfortunately I'm not that person. For better or for worse I've always been with the guy at the end of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. And frankly people who seem to have quite a happy career or house/family/retirement plan give me the heebie-jeebies. Though good on 'em I guess.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUB3ZR4F8vw

I worked hard on getting there don't knock it its p fucking great

darragh i wouldn't undermine your sublime ascension to an enfranchised and corporate mortality, but all us less-fortunate plebs have left to us is a sort of begrimed and filthy resentment and depression. You won't take that away at least will you. I'm drinking fwiw.

he thinks the suffering in Greece is hyperbolic, or is he just constantly trolling?

u misspells hilarious

fzls I was more referring to

"There's enough stuff to bring unhappiness and complication in life without adding to it with post-20th century philosophical involutions. A form of decandence. Why are we so sure about the potential for our unhappiness and tangles of complications to lead to something like truthes? That's even assuming those truthes would be useful, illuminating or good."

tbh

ppl who aren't butchers shd be allowed whatever satori they attain is my take

am enjoying the species v much btw

fuckin phone I swear

selfies

oh I was just fooling around. but yeah I think I'd read your bit as a wry "hey, don't ruin it it for those of us who have attained it" rather than "leave my truthes alone, I like em!"

loving the e in truths it is a helpful reminder to an uncultured paddy

selfie series is amusing me mightily for now, plus documenting the mondane

obv my irl self is a perma-dialectic between blandly smiling acceptance and tortured sophist boychild and i wdn't give the laurels to either of those guys

i killed the monday depresso in quick order - have acquired some skill in not thinking - but think is still the deep dark ocean i flounder in for better or woerse

i remembered something i'd forgot. and being functional - in my current social context - seems to depend on forgetting it

oh i know this feeling, and the sudden horror of "how could i allow myself to forget this for so long when in reality it gets worse every day" versus "i need to forget this again or i will feel it getting worse every day"

good vibes people

liked the fizzles post obv

walk something like this tightrope too

“i remembered something i'd forgot”
for me this hits at night, like night terror, but wave of awful awakening, indescribable dread & anxiety

one time it didn’t dissipate, persisted for days nights days nights weeks months… interminable black hole

maybe i so fear that experience recurring that i’ll take shallow self-distracted quasi-pseudo-contentment
but what if it’s deadened numbness i’m living—
and what if it’s the numbness that eventually leads to the terror

related to regret & mid-life crisis threads
trying to find/live some kind of wakefulness between numbness & nauseating angst
that’s painful but also only possible access maybe to something sometimes sorta resembling ‘happiness’

sorry for emo post

:-) this is ILX's home of emo posts

i recognize all those self-questions. but i also know, when i remember, that right now i'm pretty healthy and reasonably well-adjusted and seasoning that with a dash of "don't repeat all those feckless missteps you made for years" is probly as near-good as it can reasonably get.

and mostly that's ok.

but god there's nothing like an annual staff conference to reaffirm my faith in wanting this way of running the world to come to a rapid halt

and when you've had a half hour of would be standup comedy and retooled CBT and "mindfulness" spewed out in the service of being a more effective tool of yr employers then just a little bit of deadened numbness feels like an ok vaccine