AGING PARENTS

That must be a huge relief. How is he adjusting?

Slowly but surely, it sounds like. He enjoys talking to people, so I'm sure he'll grow to like it. I think he's currently telling people about his mean daughter who won't let him go home, but that'll pass.

It seems like bitching about your ungrateful damn kids to the other residents of a senior center would offer good opportunity for bonding through shared misery.

Lord knows I would never say the same about my ungrateful damn parents.

My dad has advancing Alzheimer's and has finally become unmoored enough that his constant agitation and anxiety seem to have disappeared. My mom is so relieved. "He's really so nice and pleasant, he's much more like the person he was when we got married!" Because my dad could be very difficult and hard on her, I'm actually happy for her (along with the soup of other emotions I feel).

The Biggest Threat To Your Retirement Portfolio: Mild Dementia

(follow-up discussion on MetaFilter: http://www.metafilter.com/150240/The-Biggest-Threat-To-Your-Retirement-Portfolio-Mild-Dementia)

I'm fairly certain my mom now has dementia. I'm in the process of trying to get my dad to take her to the doc specifically for this but he's reluctant as he doesn't think they can do anything for it. Apparently she sleeps most of the day but when she's up it's like she's far away and often confused. She starts sentences and stops mid-way forgetting what she was going to say and a lot of the time it's mixed up or incoherent anyway. I'm so unbelievably sad over it. While she hasn't been the mother I grew up with in many many years this is something entirely different. I miss my mom and the fact that I'm now near certain I'll never have her back is something I don't know how to process.

oh enbb, i'm so sorry, that’s pain beyond words

Aw thank you, Drash. I'm sure I'll figure out how to handle
It but it's tough especially since I'm far away. If it's any indication of my mental state rn I just started crying on the T when I read your tweet because I was touched.

very sorry to hear ENBB. This sounds awfully familiar :-/
After denying it through false hopes and what-ifs, I've been grieving over the fact that I'll never have a chat with my "real" mom for a couple of years now.
You'll come to accept it I'm sure but it is indeed a very painful process (after a while it gets even difficult to remember the person when they were healthy, which is yet another kind of sad).

Hang in there, cherish the past but stay invested in your own present and future.

I'm your sister in grief, ENBB. I don't know whether it is helpful or not helpful that my dad has a diagnosis (Alzheimer's) and, as fate would have it, I care for hospice patients with AD pretty much every day. There are many heartbreaking ways to lose a loved one, but dementia is a special kind of heartbreak. Sending you as much strength and peace as can be mustered in difficult times :(

ENBB, quincie I'm so sorry you're both dealing with this. Love to you both.

Elvis that's an interesting and scary article. I regularly participate in a clinic my firm offers where we help seniors put together powers of attorney for medical and financial concerns and I'm pretty evangelical about getting your POA/medical directive paperwork ducks in a row ASAP, as in once you have kids or when you hit 40, whichever comes first.

ENBB that sounds incredibly hard.
That article has me sightly worried about my dad. I don't think he's got dementia at all but he is prone to believing everything he reads about finances and it wouldn't take much in his old age to get him to make awful decisions. I can't count the number of (legit but pointless) 'schemes' he's tried to partake in already.

My mum never really talks about finances with him but does work with elderly and dementia patients so I guess it's a conversation worth having.

visited parents for all of last week. it was bizarre explaining to my dad who his brother is, while at the same time he was sufficiently oriented to know me, my wife, our kids, and what we all had been doing all day. crazy transient memory holes.

more usual was his being able to give addresses and describe the streets in Pittsburgh where each of his granddads had lived in 1944, but not recall where he had lived between 1992 and 2014.

There is a lot of good advice in that article, which reminded me of a few situations I've seen IRL. A friend of my wife only discovered the extent of her father's dementia when she happened to find out he was paying his mortgage several times a month.

When my father asked me to start helping him manage his finances, my first problem was figuring out where all his assets were and how to get access to those accounts. His memory is erratic now, to say the least, and it was not until I had been shuffling through paper statements for a few weeks that I was able to track down everything.

I had always imagined he kept this information in a few orderly files ... he did, but by the time I saw them, the files were about 15 years out of date.

Thanks Quincie and Carl and Kinder and Bad <3

The thing with my mom is that she's on some sedatives and SRRIs and stuff that I think are making everything worse. Even if my dad is right and that a diagnosis wouldn't mean much, maybe it would change what she's being prescribed? I don't know.

My dad is her sole caretaker and pretty much waits on her hand and foot and he's a really young and active 71 year old but has no life and I just feel horrible for him. Being so far away makes it worse and I feel guilty that I can't help. I've even wondered if I should move down there but they're the ones who moved to Florida, not me! :(

She definitely needs a neuro appointment and get her meds looked at.

That's what I said!! :(

my mom turned 72 today, upon which i learned that she's part of an experimental drug trial because she has alzheimer's markers.

she seems remarkably chill about it, after a period of being not chill/not telling me. she also seems to not be totally following the (admittedly complex) series of historical novels that i gave her and she's claimed to have read.

she's already talking about maybe having to move; some years ago she said she wouldn't survive without her garden.

as an only child i always knew this was coming, but that doesn't mean i'm going to be good at it

ugh, that is my greatest fear about my parents (mom turns 70 next month). so far the aging parents' maladies have been arthritis, prostate cancer, cataracts, and high blood pressure. I know it's gonna get worse though.

oh and type 2 diabetes

Mine will be 76 this year. The tumor in her lung has gotten bigger and she says she doesn't want to treat it. She had a PET scan yesterday to see if the cancer has spread anywhere else. I guess we'll get the results next week and go from there.

spent the last two years m/l helping both my parents deal with the decline of theirs which ultimately has caused a Faulknerian dissolution of extended family relationships (such as they were anyway) on my mom's side. dads estranged dad passed and he wasn't invited to the funeral, not sure if his likewise estranged mom is still alive. All the battles over driving and getting help with daily basic tasks converted to a scramble to find a suitable assisted living/hospice for my mom's mom (she won a spot at an exclusive joint because my dad's beloved grandmother passed there in the 80s and they still remembered her).

It brought my immediate family much closer together and put the issue into perspective for when my parents advance in age, but it has been a hard 18 months or so and my heart goes out to you folks

sorry to hear about everyone's aging parents :(
we have some recently diagnosed issues in my family that i don't feel like typing about but i am pretty into the idea of finding a support group locally where i can talk about it off the record
are there things like that? for only children of aging parents?

Thanks, Elvis. The follow-up discussion is even better, with comments and links.

my mom turned 72 today, upon which i learned that she's part of an experimental drug trial because she has alzheimer's markers.

heyo your mom and my dad may very well be in the same clinical trial, tho my dad is beyond MCI markers and definitely AD :(

xxpost La Lechera idk if these are in your area but there's a number to call, they may have more info to help u find a group

http://www.cityofchicago.org/city/en/depts/fss/supp_info/caregiving_support.html

Thank you. Honestly I can't bear to google for it. I'll look into it at some point but srsly there's a huge feeling of betrayal about typing (on or off record) about my parents. I'm more comfortable talking aloud and letting the words float away instead of seeing them.

I never got to see my father age. Cancer took him away from my mother and me before he turned sixty, so it was illness that robbed us of him, though in helping take care of him I got my first lessons in caregiving, something that proved invaluable when it came time for me to step up and become my mother's caregiver. I was a sort of caregiver to her beginning as soon as my dad passed away in 2003, but when I really became my mom's caregiver was in the middle of 2006, when I stayed with her in the hospital for the very direct time. From that moment on I was with her at practically every doctor's appiintment, during every hospitalization, I drove her everywhere, made all her meals, and so on. I also balanced that with work and ended up paying someone to be a professional caregiver to her for a couple of hours a day while I was at work, just so she could have some time in that time period when I didn't have to worry about her and she could do stuff she couldn't do by herself, such as go to the bathroom or take a shower. But when she had to go on dialysis it provided one setback for me and when she had to do hemodialysis I had to either work part-time to accommodate two of the three times a week she had dialysis into my schedule (and she really needed someone else there to get her stuff from her bag or readjust her or what have you), but when she went on peritoneal dialysis, after a period of time when I had to be off work so she could get through the all-manual treatment period of that type of dialysis, when we finally got to the "cycler" or machine stage, I could go back to work and only worry about rushing home from work to do the one manual treatment for the day and something called the "exit site care" (where you clean the site where the dialysis catheter is -- it's something that has to be done once a day), so I could hook her up to the dialysis machine in time for me to be able to disconnect her before I went to work. That and a host of appointments every Friday was our life from March of 2014 to May 30 of this year, when she was hospitalized for what ended up being her final time. I lost her on July 2 and have aged considerably on the inside as a result. I feel like I'm a sixty-year-old in a thirtysomething's body, and while I have a wealth of hard-earned caregiver wisdom inside me, I also have a giant hole inside me too and it's been very tough trying to recover from losing the one parent I had in this world. But I am relying on some good friends and am eternally grateful for that, as well as a local amputee support group my mom and I had joined in March 2010, several months after she became a right, below the knee amputee (rbka). In fact, I'm typing this message out while at one of their meetings, because they've welcomed me to be a permanent part of the community even after my mom's passing. I am also blessed to have a wonderful primary care physician who saw me two and a half weeks ago and diagnosed me with major depression as a result of grief, and after a little over two weeks of being on some antidepressants I am finally ready to go back to work. But it's going to take me a very long time to recover from this loss, and I'm not going to try to rush it like I did when my dad passed away, which caused me to be a terrible person to be around for a good long while, which is something some of you will remember from the last time I was here around these parts. I have done a whole lot of growing up since then and am jot the same person I used to be, and I am going to let the grief flow through naturally. And then I'll continue to live my life, because that's what Mom would've wanted from me, and I want to honor her with my life for as long as I live.

So... hello again.

Sorry, "very first time", not "very direct time". And sorry for the super long paragraph. I'm typing this while paying attention to the other people's testimonials.

LL, you can also call an area hospital that may offer treatment for the diagnosis and ask about support groups. In my (thankfully at this point limited) experience with Advocate Illinois Masonic, for one specific example, they have really good referral services like that. My insurance plan also comes with a nurse you can call for help with various things, so that's another possible avenue. Also, if this is something that hospice may handle, you could call Illinois Hospice and see if they can direct you somewhere.

Also: <3

mookie, sarah, art, dee - much love to you all

You're a sweetheart, carl agatha (and I don't even know who you are). Anyway, today I'm back at work for the first time since losing my mom and they have been so accommodating to me. But it feels odd not getting those phone calls I always used to get from Mom or knowing that I don't have a reason to rush home tonight. As stressful as it was being Mom's caregiver, I miss it desperately and I still feel like I need my mom, even the mom with disabilities and plenty of medical issues I had for the last six years. I need to hear her voice again and feel her hugging me.

Ok, going to stop right now because I do not like crying at work. But if anyone needs logistical advice, I can try to help.

had weekend of aging parent issues. my mother-in-law has been suffering from the beginnings of dementia for a couple of years now. she has still been living alone, and is still herself, but her short-term memory is extremely poor. she's had lots of doctor's appointments, some tests, but we've never been given any sort of diagnosis.

on thurdsay she couldn't stand because she was so dizzy, and was totally confused. her friend took her to the hospital where she was given tests, she has had multiple small strokes (though none recently, we don't have any explanation for her episode on Thursday). anyway her gp has said he thinks that she has vascular dementia. multiple small strokes and other infarcts in her brain, progressively damaging it more and more. she has high cholesterol but she has resisted her family and her gp's recommendations to eat properly (she hardly eats anything, when she does it's usually chocolate). she has high blood pressure and she refuses to attempt to quit smoking (as in still, she waited a couple of days after her bad experience but she's back smoking again).

so worrying about her health is combined, for my wife at least, with a feeling of frustration and anger that she has pursued this really reckless approach towards her health for so long and against her doctor's constant advice. she's gradually, and this may be linked to her condition, grown more apathetic and more isolated in her life, and she seems unable to take her situation seriously, or just to give a damn about her own welfare - while she remains a very generous person who constantly puts effort into trying to help the people close to her.

with a drastic change in her lifestyle she might be able to stem the deterioration, and to remain independent. but I don't think she will make that change, and so I don't think we'll have long before she's no longer with us - either literally or figuratively.

My mother (83 next month) is starting to feel the urgency to sell property and get into assisted living in the next year or two. My sister and I are for it, but I worry about my brother being an obstacle.

Good for her, imo!

jim in glasgow, you should let your wife know that there are times when her mom's dementia will make it to where she cannot listen to reason or do the right things for herself, and the solution to that is to either have her mom live with y'all and treat her like one of your children or put her in an assisted living facility for the long-term. And, if that still doesn't work, maybe just accept that the dementia is slowly claiming her, because of all the illnesses you have to deal with as a caregiver, that and cancer are by far the most fatal. But your wife shouldn't feel guilty or tie herself in knots over how her mom is acting. That's the disease taking over her mom, not her mom period. That's what my family ultimately had to accept when my maternal grandmother was in the deepest throes of Alzheimer's and making my mom and I cry with her barbs and insults and general nasty behavior. Dad reminded us that this was just the disease taking over Grandma, not my grandma herselff, and for Mom in particular to remember all the good times she had with her mom while growing up as who her real mom was.

otm

My grandmother is still mentally acute but is losing mobility fast due to arthritis and refuses to use a walker (except at night when she needs to get to the bathroom so there's that), only occasionally and reluctantly uses a cane, and refuses to undergo any kind of conservative therapies like injections or physical therapy that might ease her symptoms and give her a little more mobility. My mom gets so frustrated at this because my grandmother's (in her opinion selfish and irrational) refusal to ameliorate her symptoms makes my mother's life more difficult (they live together and my mom is my grandmother's primary caretaker).

Dee's post about the disease talking is super OTM and a good thing to remember, but also aging parents frustratingly refusing to do things to benefit their own health is also a thing (there are other posts about it in this thread iirc) so jim in glasgow, at least let your wife know that she is not alone in her frustrations.

Also, Dee, I'm so sorry for your loss. Your post about your mom was beautiful and heartbreaking.

(also hi, I'm part of the Chicago ILX crew and have posted since 2004 or so as pullapartgirl, jenny, and now carl agatha, although in the early days I mostly just stuck to the Chicago thread so I don't think we interacted too much. It's nice to meet you.)

My grandmother fell getting out of the shower and refused to call anybody for help even though she was not alone in the house because "nobody wants to see this bitch naked." :(

Also my mom says that when she takes my grandmother shopping, my grandmother refuses to bring her cane or use the little motor scooters at the grocery store and instead uses my mom as a cane. Basically Mom Mom is going to break a hip sooner rather than later and it's very distressing because I don't think she will handle hospitalization/rehab very well.

my mom was like that, refusing to use a cane while her hip deteriorated, until she got a new hip and now she talks about her bionic hip all the time and walks with ease!
from what i remember, it sounds like your mom and your grandma have a really antagonistic relationship and it's affecting your grandma's decisionmaking?
would she listen to you?

It's not like bone-deep antagonism. More like antagonism that has developed over the last couple of years due to proximity. I actually think it's going to get a little easier once my mom retires in October because she won't be so stressed out by work and her long-ass commute. But right now my mom is definitely annoyed by most things my grandmother does, even if they are rational (like not wanting to go out to dinner because her knees hurt. Totally rational, but my grandmother didn't say "I don't want to go because my knees hurt." Instead she said, "I don't want to go because you want to spend more time with Jenny and the baby, and I'll just get in the way." Only later when I went to tell her that she's not in the way did she admit it was pain keeping her in the chair watching TCM).

She'll listen to me a little. I told her the next time she falls naked to call whoever is home right away and have them throw a towel on her. I definitely spent a lot of time during this last visit acting as a translator between the two of them because now they just talk past each other.

yeah that's what i meant, not that they were mortal enemies or w/e
feeling like someone is annoyed at me all the time yet still requiring their assistance would be enough to turn me into a pill too, esp if they're pass-agg annoyed. that smarts. and it's no one's fault it's just not...helping, yknow?

glad your gma listens to you!

like when my dad used to get mad at me when i ordered noodles and butter at a restaurant
i knew he disapproved of my choice (i was picky, i was a little kid) and he made it clear by grumbling and grousing but he didn't SAY anything so he thought he was free and clear. really, he was making me feel extremely embarrassed about wanting/needing to eat noodles and butter.

feeling like someone is annoyed at me all the time yet still requiring their assistance would be enough to turn me into a pill too, esp if they're pass-agg annoyed. that smarts. and it's no one's fault it's just not...helping, yknow?

Oh yeah. Alas mom is not exactly open to suggestion that a different approach might work better. She feels pretty put upon (there's a younger sister who is retired but claims she's too busy to help, which heightens the aggravation) and has always had a bit of pass-agg martyr tendencies anyway.

Really Mom could use some supportive therapy but when I've suggested it she says "Sounds great and when do I have time for that?" Fingers crossed for retirement.

My mom gets the results of her blood tests/PET scan tomorrow. :( I'm scared. I don't have a great feeling about it and knowing she will likely refuse all treatment is hard.

Thank you for letting me know who you are, Carl agatha, and I do remember seeing you around these parts back in the day. You are so very kind and it is wonderful that what I wrote touched you. Any time I think about not having any of my parents around I feel lost and adrift, but it really stings when I think about my mom because we made a team for almost twelve years and we were a package deal, and even when my caregiving demands became more and more stress-inducing (something that was alleviated when Sam's aunt started a wonderful caregiver support group on Facebook that I was welcomed into), it still fit into the routine we had set up for our lives. Anyway, it sounds like your mom is leading the kind of life my mom led in the '90s, when she had to worry about my grandmother who had been rendered stubborn and mean from Alzheimer's as well as working full time, maintaining a separate household, and having me be a teenager. Although I believe my dad and I helped as much as we could and I would hope the same for your mother.

ENBB, I hope that either your suspicions aor that your presumption of your mother's actions post-diagnosis are proven wrong. But whatever happens, try to be there emotionally for her and be a good listener. She will definitely appreciate that regardless of the outcome.