cutting people completely out of your life

more stuff while we're sharing: A couple years ago an aunt of mine who was really close to my mom randomly decided to cut her out. She sent my mom a text saying she needed to 'reevaluate the friendship' and then deleted her from Facebook and stopped talking to her. She didn't explain to anyone why she made the decision (and it was the second time in about five years she'd done this). My mom alternated between despairing about it and brushing it off but I think she was always confused by and sad for it.

In April my mom suffered brutal injuries that put her in a coma. My aunt didn't visit. She very hesitantly came to the funeral (I think my cousin pretty much forced her), took her seat just as it was about to start, and left as soon as it finished.

My aunt messaged me on Facebook a couple months after that and was very nice about things and offered support etc. I should add that in the entire time she boycotted my mom, she still spoke to me and my brother. I forgive her for her weirdness towards my mom -- I'm sure my mom would have extended forgiveness too and would be glad to know that I've my aunt's support this last year.

I still feel really sad on my mom's behalf that my aunt cut her out inexplicably... but I also think that my aunt must feel pretty horrendous about having turned her back on my mom when there's now no chance for reconciliation.

And somewhat related to that, my dad and I have been cut out of each other's lives since early November, aside from a brief 'merry christmas' text. Not talking to him has taken so much stress out of my life it's unbelievable.

sheesh ss, brutal year, hope you're better on the other side tho. been far too long, hope other things are going swimmingly

meanwhile,

was afforded the opportunity to return to them if he left the family (i.e. my sisters, mother, and me)

this is perhaps inside the top 10 most insane things i have read on this website

Yeah, that's fucking crazy. "We don't approve of the way you're raising your children, but if you abandon them, we'll consider letting you back into the fold." Can't even imagine what that must feel like.

A couple years ago an aunt of mine who was really close to my mom randomly decided to cut her out.

This happened with my mum and her sister several years ago (I guess they weren't very close before that but they were close enough that my mum would help my aunt find jobs where she was working and we would see her and my cousins round my grandma's house). To the extent that if my mum bumps into my aunt and her family my aunt will completely ignore my mum even while her family say hello to her. No reason was ever given for this either. My grandma had a theory about why this might have happened but if it's true it's completely ridiculous.

My family is pretty messed up though. My grandma has 4 children and only my mum and her brother are in regular contact with her. Of my mum's 2 sisters, the aunt above has limited contact and the other sister has no contact at all. They all live in the same town except my uncle.

I've gotten into it a bit on the family problems thread, but I'm estranged, shall we say, from my biological father and his entire family except for one cousin with whom I maintain contact mostly via twitter. My paternal grandmother died last year, and my aunts made some very boundary defying attempts to get in touch with me to get me to come visit one last time, come to the funeral, reconnect, do something, all of which I ignored completely. I have really excellent reasons for living a happy life without these dysfunctional bozos in it in any way, but reading some of these posts I wonder if they are puzzled and hurt at my lack of connection.

Not that any of you or any of your families are dysfunctional bozos. Just thinking about different these actions look from different angles.

nb I chose not to visit my dying grandmother or go to her funeral, which I envision as being held in the snake room from Raiders of the Lost Ark, if that gives you an idea of what this branch of the family is like, because the last time I saw her I was 11, and the one time I tried to reconnect with her when I was about 22, she ignored me but provided my contact information to some of my father's other children who then proceeded to attempt daytime talk show style long-lost-half-sibling reunions, which let's just say did not work out the way anybody had hoped. Until my grandmother turned 90 and decided she needed to gather all of her random grandchildren at her bedside for a little deathbed absolution, she had no use for me whatsoever. I sincerely hope she died peacefully surrounded by people who loved her, but there was no reason in the world for me to be among them. And that's just the reason why I didn't respond, not even the excellent reasons why I removed myself from the family altogether. But I can absolutely see them being completely clueless about why that happened.

talked to my (half-) sister for the first time in 18-19 years yesterday

Whoa. How did that go?

my mother railroaded me when i was back in nz last august - secretly organized a family lunch with my older brother who i cut out about 14 years ago. i just ignored him the whole time (i did say hello after my mother repeatedly kicked me, but that was it), and it's the first time in my life i've ever seen the asshole look awkward and uncomfortable. not gonna lie, it was pretty satisfying.

Y'all are reminding me that sometimes families are bullshit

I guess I've been the cutter, but in one case it was at least in part due to being the cuttee for years. My friend G never lifted a finger to maintain what I thought was a pretty good friendship. I would call or email him and arrange to visit, we'd have a great time at concerts/movies/restaurants... I'd go home, and then hear nothing for months until I made the next overture, repeat occasionally for years. Finally, from a mixture of pride and misery, I quit contacting him, and it's been 6 or 7 years I guess. Maybe he thinks I'm mad at him. He could find out if he wanted. Maybe he's glad I finally quit pestering him. I could find out if I wanted.

ENBB - a very similar thing happened to me a few years ago, except the friend (at the time my BEST friend) gave no explanation for the cut contact. Eventually I tearfully confronted him and he refused to engage me about it even then, but later texted my BOYFRIEND (instead of me) and asked him to tell me that he would like to talk to me sometime in depth/at length? It was very, very weird. He never did contact me again, and has never spoken to me again at all tbh. He did hand deliver a wedding present for us to Andy (never spoke to me). That was my last "contact" with him. NO THANK-YOU NOTE FOR YOU, DUDE

That said, I still get very sad about it sometimes.

people have weird internal lives and I don't know what the hell they are thinking

fuck em imo. i mean it took me probably 3 years to get to that point but fuck em. not trying to beg for a crumb of friendship from someone who obv doesnt give a fuck about me

http://d1o2xrel38nv1n.cloudfront.net/files/2013/05/60712-Mad-men-Peggy-I-dont-care-gif-uohc.gif

https://41.media.tumblr.com/1e310e72e2311417dd169e91e9eaea8a/tumblr_n0vyfif7Md1qb5yh8o1_500.png

Sorry. I love that one.

aw i cant see it at work

those are both among my fave images

haha is that from Bones?

what are you talking about?

I suddenly feel really old and think that perhaps sleeve has no awareness of the x-files

i've never watched the x-files but i assumed that was what it was from

Yes, X-files, you ding dongs.

I am sorry crut, but... I think we need to consciously cut each other out

oh right, it's been a long time

roxy otm. gif otm.

This has to be a common occurrence. Dad was married in the 80s to a woman with two kids. For 10 years, my blood-sister and I would visit every weekend and have these temporary siblings. My step-brother was a little older, and he got me into rap, taught me a few breakdancing moves. I've talked before about how he and I would explore the entire damn suburb via the drainage tunnels. We'd go on vacations together. We had bunk beds. My dad worked on the weekends, so even my step-mom and I got close. She had a middle child about my age who had died from crib death.

Then around 1990, they got divorced. And that was that. Step-bro wrote me a letter from Operation Desert Storm. Saw step-sis at a 20-and-under juice nightclub before my senior year. Haven't seen my step-mom since she dropped off something for my blood-sister at my mom's house (even step-mom and real-mom got along ok) and said "It'll be ok, I'll see you soon."

I don't miss them terribly or anything. I do have this dream about once every other month where I'm walking around their house alone when all of a sudden someone turns on a light and says something.

people have weird internal lives and I don't know what the hell they are thinking

― valleys of your mind (mh), Tuesday, January 13, 2015 3:49 PM (3 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

idontcare.gif is what im trying to cultivate. i obv still do care!

Rox - that's so weird! Yeah, I don't really get it or understand people either. I'm just really hurt. I'm also trying to cultivate the I don't care attitude but I do care, a lot, and it's just really hard.

Yeah I am dealing with a similar thing and I go back and forth between "okay, your loss" and "omg I miss you". It's like, if you are fine with hurting me on purpose just because I apparently hurt you by accident (?) then you are kind of a mean person.

But but but! I am not even sure that's what's happening, because I'm not being given the opportunity to discuss it, so maybe something else is up and I don't know about it??? What the hell, just talk to me!

this is illuminating what i have believe (and have learned the hard way) to be one of life's sad facts: not a lot of people know how to/will take the time and effort to sustain a longterm close friendship

:(

I'm not talking abt ppl itt obvs

Some longterm close friendships need cultivation and some dont and if you're lucky enough to have enough of the latter it's probably a skillset you haven't had to acquire or interrogate yr self about I guess

it's incredibly easy to let relationships fall away, too

Yep La Lechera, I am (I think) being cut out because over about an 18 month period I didn't put much/any effort to sustaining this friendship. There were outside reasons, and it was not a conscious thing. But I can definitely see how it all just seemed like the effort was one-sided to her and I feel so, so bad.

I have a few friends I see on a very sporadic basis, to the extent a year or two can go by, but we're able to pick up where we left off when we do have the chance to hang out. But having that kind of relationship has to have some depth.

yeah same here, though this thread is making me feel worried/guilty about being a shit friend, tbh :|

(not blaming anyone itt!! Just realising I dont make anywhere near enough effort at things)

IMO you shouldn't feel guilty for just not keeping in touch or letting friendships fizzle out. not talking isn't the same as "not talking," you know?

Sometimes it's hard to know from the outside which one's happening.

and this is why people need to learn how to effectively communicate with each other
seriously
it's a really good skill to have

yet elusive!!

and like one persons communicating may not be what works for the other (if that can then be called communicating), I'm not sure you learn a skill and then boom on you get with people.

duh
give me some credit

ha no shade no shade

I'm seriously thinking of writing her a letter - not accusing or being confrontational, but something like "look, I'm writing this because I care about you, let's just drop all ties, and have a good life."

Doing this right now.