cutting people completely out of your life

I guess maybe I felt like I was too upset about this whole thing and it wasn't as big a deal as I was making it out to be. Thanks for making me feel a little better.

i'd be pissed tbh!

he will be divorced in 2 years tops. then he will crawl back. your call thereafter

xps your theory sounds like the most likely, enbb. it's the only one that makes sense in this situation, and maybe it's a marriage therapist, not a regular therapist, suggesting the friendship-ending. idk, i think i'd take a pretty long hard look at exactly why my therapist was telling me to end my friendship with my bestfriend of 17 years, and how much good that was really going to do me.

yeah, the lack of honesty about his feelings/choices is the most perplexing thing to me. Like, my first thought is ... the "explanation" is that it is something that he doesn't really want to do, and there is probably some messy arguments and resentment that brought it on, and he doesn't want to open that can of worms and tell you everything. But, this guy is an adult and presumably not an idiot, so he could come up with something diplomatic and kind.

ENBB, thanks, and I'm sorry for what you're dealing with too. The vexed spouse thing - I've been there too.

It's less painful than it used to be though, which I attribute to having made other close friends over the past few years.

i think about this sort of thing literally every day because my brother cut himself off from my family years ago without any explanation & i don't know if i'll ever have the chance to see him again. i really hope your friend comes around, E. <3

sorry ENBB, this really sucks.

i'm so tempted to speculate that there's something super serious underlying this, but it's just as likely if not more that it's something moderately serious and he's handling it in a really cheap and bullshitty way

Justine I think you're very otm and sarahell - you too. It's just sad.

Thanks, Goole. Yeah, idk. Maybe I'll find out one day.

Aw man, crut. I'm sorry. Thank you. <3

if was going to go to the trouble of flat-out telling you you couldn't be friends anymore, he should have told you the full story instead of half-assing it. he clearly acknowledged it wasn't your fault, so the very least he owed you was closure.

i think my strong negative reaction to this type of behavior is partly based in my distaste for melodrama. everyone's got a different threshold, but mine is very low. i do hope it all works out for you ENBB! actively losing friends is so much worse than losing them passively, through attrition or w/e

yeah melodrama is dreadful.

I don't think anything any friend has ever done to me has hurt more than this. I emailed him a couple weeks ago explaining how bad this has felt and how I felt like I deserved an explanation. Still nothing. I'm so fucking angry it's not even funny. I keep having dreams involving him and the whole thing just sucks. If he contacted me and apologized and explained why he went about this the way he did then I would love to be friends again despite the fact that I think he's acted selfishly and cruelly. I think the worst part is not hearing from him even after I wrote that email. It just makes it seem like he really doesn't give a shit how I'm feeling or that I'm hurt which seems to indicate that he never really cared about me to begin with.

i have gone through something like this, on the side of the (your) friend, so on his behalf i have to say, he could easily have cared a lot, but not known how to repair things. i had a pretty good friendship, sort of a professional/intellectual one, as those things go, that went bad when our lives diverged and i was in a very vulnerable and dependent position (unemployed at the time), and he got so caught up in his own life that he effectively neglected me for months, in the wake of a time when i had particularly wanted his friendship. i just sat with my feelings, got bitter, resentful, etc., all while knowing that a lot of the fault was mine (even though we never really had a really emotionally open friendship where i could have just come out and been like, you hurt my feelings etc) but not knowing how to get over that. so when there was an opportunity to make moves toward restoring things, i couldn't do it; he was so oblivious that it just infuriated me and i wasn't able to bring the appropriate sense of perspective and proportion to the matter. i was eventually able to let him know that i felt i'd been wronged, and that i was not happy, but that hasn't permitted me to really try to explain things to him. in a way i feel like an idiot, because i know so much of it was on my side, just feelings i failed to deal with appropriately, but now that that is so, it doesn't seem like such a simple matter to set right. it's less painful just to let it be. so we haven't exchanged any words in months, or really talked at all in a couple years or more.

i don't know the specifics of your friendship, but i do want to say, i think it may be hasty to suppose that it's all about not being respected, not being given what you're owed if the friendship was really important. since friendships involve our making ourselves emotionally vulnerable to our friends, i would wonder (ESPECIALLY if it's dudes) whether it's not more a matter of this being too hard for your friend to deal with.

it's hard to tell someone your relationship is over.

e the feelings/spouse thing had def occurred based on previous descriptions of this from you, but even as an explanation for behaviour its not any excuse for lack of explanation or honesty and it sucks, def

Oh yeah I think I posted on the borad thread when this first happen but I forgot. Life, man.

It just makes it seem like he really doesn't give a shit how I'm feeling or that I'm hurt

Some people are very, very inept at friendship and their insecurity around others stymies them from doing anything at all when they get into an awkward situation. Not sure if this is the case here, but it happens often enough to mention it.

>> Benson and the Jets (ENBB)
Just wanted to say I read your original post, and I identify - you're not alone. I (had - so hard to type) a really close friend from college/post-college that lives in same city as I do that did this to me and another close friend (former '3 muskateer' group of friends) and we're just super sad and still in grief since we have had 'radio silence' for close to two years now. It sucks. I, too, have dreams/nightmares about the former close close friend, and just can't figure out what/why/how/etc. went wrong. The feelings that accompany are some of the saddest I've ever had. I totally empathize.

I think more than anything it's a sign that your friendship was a lot more asymmetrical than you thought? It's usually more evident in those weird relationship break-ups where you figure out one person has been on the way out for a while and you've been getting more invested.

You can have shared experiences, but sometimes the friendship or relationship you thought you had meant something very different to the other person and when that becomes evident, it's really hard to understand or reconcile.

On a more upbeat note, completely cutting off an ex of mine years ago was probably the best decision I've ever made

x-post - Oh, thank you for saying that. I'm sorry that you went through something similar.

The dreams are the weirdest because I can't help them and I always feel so strange when I wake up.

I had dreams like that for ages after a couple falling outs (fallings out?) with people, a girl who I was best friends with and we quickly drifted apart, and a bf I never properly broke up with and he snubbed me for a couple years after. They were always really weird and affecting and difficult to deal with when waking up. Unfortunately in my case it took reconnecting with the individuals in question to make the dreams stop :/ I hope yours don't persist and that you can eventually get some closure about why your friend is being weird and non-communicative.

Read most of this thread just now, and, MAN, so much of this is familiar to me.

I had a tight group of bros in college, and if you'd asked me when I was 22 I would've sworn we'd have ALWAYS been tight bros. But nah. With one exception, there was no formal cutting off, just major, major drift and people living in different places, to the point where I only talk to two guys from the group a few times a year - but those are great talks.

i think about this sort of thing literally every day because my brother cut himself off from my family years ago without any explanation & i don't know if i'll ever have the chance to see him again. i really hope your friend comes around, E. <3

― example (crüt), Monday, January 12, 2015 12:41 PM (2 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

as someone who has done this, just consider that 1) he doesn't owe you an explanation, 2) while i am sure it is reflective of your positive feelings for him and sorrow etc, language like "i don't know if i'll ever have the chance to see him again" is passive-aggressive and possibly symptomatic of a 3) toxic family situation, which are a lot more prevalent than people want to admit, and it isn't the fault of the person who wants to remove themselves from the toxic dynamic for the rupture. leaving one's family completely is not an easy thing to do, it takes resolve and a clear comprehension of why in order to do it and move forward, and if you are bewildered by it, there is prob. a reason you should be prepared to respect if at some point you are ready to see and confront it.

as far as doing this with friends, it sucks, maybe some day you'll understand why, maybe not.

love you matt, but i'm going to ignore that b/c you don't know me or my family or my brother

ok

maybe I am passive aggressive about it because the only other way i can handle it is by screaming and crying and punching

that is a much better way imo, as long as you're punching a pillow or something

my father's parents cut off communication with him 25 years ago in response to his unwillingness to allow them to exert control over his life (specifically as to how i was raised). he humbled himself to them on numerous occasions and was afforded the opportunity to return to them if he left the family (i.e. my sisters, mother, and me). he declined. his father passed last year, and we don't know if his mother or brother are still alive.

With respect - i am very sensitive to the notion that the one(s) who cut(s) themselves free of the family has some appropriate reason for doing so. i do not believe it is always the case and i do not believe it is really appropriate for strangers on the internet to speculate that such a case exists

ok, i hear that and, crut, i'm sorry for overstepping.

nah man it's ok, i feel you. i just don't think my brother's situation is the same as your situation. but who knows. all i know is my mom can't sleep at night because she will probably never see her first born son again and she is heartbroken. and i am heartbroken and wish we did have an explanation, even if he doesn't owe us one.

yeah :(

this is all so sad.
while we're sharing, my grandma cut me out of her life when i was 15 because she claimed that she didn't like the way i brought a friend to a family function -- she thought family functions were for family only.
she did the same thing to my mom when i was 6 mo old bc she didn't like that my mom went back to work (they eventually mended their relationship, we did not)

as the cut-off one, i felt bereft of my grandma a lot but i also didn't really want to have anything to do with someone who would get so pissed about something so inconsequential. people like that scare me to this day.

you otm

feel incredibly lucky to have kept my childhood friends and all my brothers still in my life (daily contact the norm). the latter was touch and go for a lot of my teenage years/twenties but we're good now. me and herself were cut out of our college group when we started dating we were v amused by the process as it only rly accelerated what we'd figured ourselves would be the eventuality.

feel like i ve talked enough/too much about my mum on ilx but def feel matt, times when you gotta go you gotta go and there can't be any accounting for what's owed or what others feel they have coming to them after a really intense breakaway.

LL were you in the mafia when you were a kid?!?

when i've dealt with this (limited experience) it's been pretty cold and harsh but fairly quickly i've felt glad to have someone who'd behave like that far away from me. but to be fair i've only dealt with it w/friends, and not my closest ones and not with family.

Granny Nonna leaving my little pony heads in your bed when you were a bambina

Xp

xp i'm not allowed to talk about that

times when you gotta go you gotta go and there can't be any accounting for what's owed or what others feel they have coming to them after a really intense breakaway.

I just wanna be clear that I agree w/this & absolutely want everyone to do what they need to to be happy/free/functioning

I just wanna be clear that I agree w/this & absolutely want everyone to do what they need to to be happy/free/functioning

ah man crut that wasn't in any way a swipe at you, you know

like I can't imagine being put in yr shoes.....

more stuff while we're sharing: A couple years ago an aunt of mine who was really close to my mom randomly decided to cut her out. She sent my mom a text saying she needed to 'reevaluate the friendship' and then deleted her from Facebook and stopped talking to her. She didn't explain to anyone why she made the decision (and it was the second time in about five years she'd done this). My mom alternated between despairing about it and brushing it off but I think she was always confused by and sad for it.

In April my mom suffered brutal injuries that put her in a coma. My aunt didn't visit. She very hesitantly came to the funeral (I think my cousin pretty much forced her), took her seat just as it was about to start, and left as soon as it finished.

My aunt messaged me on Facebook a couple months after that and was very nice about things and offered support etc. I should add that in the entire time she boycotted my mom, she still spoke to me and my brother. I forgive her for her weirdness towards my mom -- I'm sure my mom would have extended forgiveness too and would be glad to know that I've my aunt's support this last year.

I still feel really sad on my mom's behalf that my aunt cut her out inexplicably... but I also think that my aunt must feel pretty horrendous about having turned her back on my mom when there's now no chance for reconciliation.

And somewhat related to that, my dad and I have been cut out of each other's lives since early November, aside from a brief 'merry christmas' text. Not talking to him has taken so much stress out of my life it's unbelievable.

sheesh ss, brutal year, hope you're better on the other side tho. been far too long, hope other things are going swimmingly

meanwhile,

was afforded the opportunity to return to them if he left the family (i.e. my sisters, mother, and me)

this is perhaps inside the top 10 most insane things i have read on this website

Yeah, that's fucking crazy. "We don't approve of the way you're raising your children, but if you abandon them, we'll consider letting you back into the fold." Can't even imagine what that must feel like.

A couple years ago an aunt of mine who was really close to my mom randomly decided to cut her out.

This happened with my mum and her sister several years ago (I guess they weren't very close before that but they were close enough that my mum would help my aunt find jobs where she was working and we would see her and my cousins round my grandma's house). To the extent that if my mum bumps into my aunt and her family my aunt will completely ignore my mum even while her family say hello to her. No reason was ever given for this either. My grandma had a theory about why this might have happened but if it's true it's completely ridiculous.

My family is pretty messed up though. My grandma has 4 children and only my mum and her brother are in regular contact with her. Of my mum's 2 sisters, the aunt above has limited contact and the other sister has no contact at all. They all live in the same town except my uncle.

I've gotten into it a bit on the family problems thread, but I'm estranged, shall we say, from my biological father and his entire family except for one cousin with whom I maintain contact mostly via twitter. My paternal grandmother died last year, and my aunts made some very boundary defying attempts to get in touch with me to get me to come visit one last time, come to the funeral, reconnect, do something, all of which I ignored completely. I have really excellent reasons for living a happy life without these dysfunctional bozos in it in any way, but reading some of these posts I wonder if they are puzzled and hurt at my lack of connection.

Not that any of you or any of your families are dysfunctional bozos. Just thinking about different these actions look from different angles.

nb I chose not to visit my dying grandmother or go to her funeral, which I envision as being held in the snake room from Raiders of the Lost Ark, if that gives you an idea of what this branch of the family is like, because the last time I saw her I was 11, and the one time I tried to reconnect with her when I was about 22, she ignored me but provided my contact information to some of my father's other children who then proceeded to attempt daytime talk show style long-lost-half-sibling reunions, which let's just say did not work out the way anybody had hoped. Until my grandmother turned 90 and decided she needed to gather all of her random grandchildren at her bedside for a little deathbed absolution, she had no use for me whatsoever. I sincerely hope she died peacefully surrounded by people who loved her, but there was no reason in the world for me to be among them. And that's just the reason why I didn't respond, not even the excellent reasons why I removed myself from the family altogether. But I can absolutely see them being completely clueless about why that happened.

talked to my (half-) sister for the first time in 18-19 years yesterday

Whoa. How did that go?

my mother railroaded me when i was back in nz last august - secretly organized a family lunch with my older brother who i cut out about 14 years ago. i just ignored him the whole time (i did say hello after my mother repeatedly kicked me, but that was it), and it's the first time in my life i've ever seen the asshole look awkward and uncomfortable. not gonna lie, it was pretty satisfying.

Y'all are reminding me that sometimes families are bullshit