AGING PARENTS

I guess what I'm saying is that we're in the endgame

Oh, ET.

Hi there - long time reader, first time caller. My mom is 70. She had emergency surgery yesterday because of a bowel obstruction, which turned out to be NOT CANCER (phew) but rather a huge but exploded benign ovarian cyst made of pus. Apparently she had polycystic ovaries when much, much younger and one just stuck around, growing to the size of a softball until a week ago, when it went BOOM and she started to feel unwell. She's a total stubborn Minnesota Swede don't-bother-the-doctor type, so am relieved she got help and will get better.

Exactly one week ago we got the "you better stick around - don't make any plans" message. The hospice nurse noticed "the smell" (see link upthread) and irrespective of age, gender, nationality, etc. that distinct smell is the early signal that the body is closing up shop. You've probably heard the stories about cats and dogs being present around the dying and that smell what they zero in on. I'd describe it as an odd hybrid of old mushrooms and burnt sugar. Hospice folks are trained to detect it.

I visited my mom on Christmas day and given her overall situation (she's 90) - she was doing pretty good. We opened up cards (she remembered who they were all from), had a conversation, and she could still manage to eat and drink. One week later and you could obviously feel that master fader steadily being lowered. On Monday she managed a "Happy new year!" By Thursday she wasn't noticeably responding at all.

Last night we'd been playing for a couple hours last night when I just stopped, put my guitar down, and turned off my amps. Nothing alarmist, just a "I need to stop" and my gf and I were talking for a few minutes when I said "the phone could ring anytime." No more than twenty seconds later my sister calls: "It's over."

I was in Trader Joe's earlier in the day and impulsively bought a bouquet of sunflowers for the house. I don't really do that and I had no clue that my mom was going to pass a couple hours later, but they're sure brightening the place up.

http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8654/15635602014_a115d578b9_z.jpg

sorry man.

sorry elvis

My condolences - its been a long road for you.

RIP and wishing you the best

I'm very sorry for your loss Chris. Wishing you the very best.

That photo is wonderful by the way. A treasure.

Ive been following but too scared to pipe up. Now's the time - first, my condolences, and sympathies.

My dad just told me he has a serious neurological disease, made me promise not to tell anyone (aside from partner, who I had to negotiate for) and a week after my trip home I'm kinda quietly freaking out. Handling it, but I can tell I'm not feeling right.

I'm glad your mom is at peace, Elvis. I believe in premonitions too, that part was beautiful.

<3 LL, that is so hard

Not even close to what you all are going through, but the partner of a close older relative of ours was diagnosed with a pretty bad case of prostate cancer. Our side of the family was sworn to secrecy while he waited to tell his side of the family after the holidays were over.

That made for some weird gatherings.

i'm sorry for your loss, chris, but also relieved for both you and your mother - the suffering is now hopefully over.

Hugs to you, Elvis, and to you, LL.

I hope you're able to find some peace in her passing, Elvis.

<3 LL!

My maternal grandfather is going to be in the hospital for at least a couple weeks, and my uncle is checking around for a spot at assisted living facilities, which is excellent.

sorry Elvis - went through this exactly one month ago, hope you can stay strong, focus on all the things your mother did and saw and come to the conclusion that it's been a good life. I know that thought helped me realise that to some extent there was nothing to be sad about my dad's passing.

my father-in-law is out of the hospital!

now he gets two weeks in a nursing home for rehab, and hopefully goes back home after that.

so my dad died last week after more than a year of extreme Parkinson agony. A relief for him, in a way, but man this is tough.
Now I need to figure out what to do with my mom who thinks she's autonomous but really isn't, especially considering her severe alcoholism.
My dad being sick justified the presence of a lot of home care and now that he's gone I don't really know how I can convince my mom to have someone at home who could discreetly watch over her for me.

― licorice oratorio (baaderonixx), Friday, 19 December 2014 19:46 (4 weeks ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

So eventually I stayed with my mom for a bit more than a month to sort out all the paperwork, inheritance, etc.
I thought that after a month of complete abstinence my mom would manage to stay sober for a bit, but now, barely three days after me leaving, she's back to heavy drinking.
This is really the nighmare scenario since, as I posted a month ago, now ther'e really no-one to watch over her (I live a 4-5 hour drive away). When drinkinh she's prone to falling over at home and in the street, epilepsy, getting robbed, etc.
Pondering what to do - I don't really have space to have her stay with me at present and paying somebody just to watch over her seems a bit crazy and unaffordable.
I've just bought a new flat in which I haven't even moved into yet but now I'm wondering if I shouldn't already re-sell it, use the inheritance money and buy a big suburban house in which my mom could live with me and my wife. Seems a bit crazy to have my mom live with me permanently at this age (me in my thirties and her in her sixties) but I'm at my wit's end really...

Oh Baad I'm so sorry. That's really my biggest fear - my dad passing before my mom and me not knowing what the hell to do with her. Is there anyone that lives near her that you can enlist to maybe check up on her regularly? Not a carer but a friend or something?

thx ENBB - not really, my mom lives in a big condo in the big city but is pretty isolated - her friends are old, frail and scattered. I think the only solution is to have her live with me or a

oops
... or at least close to me, but I realise that, to some extent, I'm procrastinating in starting this process (ie. sell her house, drive her back with me kicking and screaming) because sub-consciously i'm still hoping/expecting validation from her, that she'd wake up sober one day and say "sure, you're right, I'll come with you". Clearly taht's never gonna happen. Everyone around me is telling me that I'm past the stage where I need worry about her agreeemnt and her comfort and that I should force things through. Pretty difficult to accept though.

Respectfully, rearranging your whole life in order to care for an addict doesn't seem like a good long-term strategy.

well I can't imagine that said addict will live that long tbh - but you're right, problem though is I don't see any alternatives...
My mom is clearly not fit to live on her own but otoh legally I am in no position to impose anything on her (eg. if I dragged her and put her in a elderly home, she'd escape immediately).
Some people tell me that I should resign myself to accept the situation and let her drink herself to death but, besides the moral aspect, I know that I'd just be in a state of constant panic which would prevent me from living my life all the same
Anyway sorry for hijacking this thread with my freak-outs.

I get it. I mean it wasn't my mom but it was someone I cared about, and I've seen other ppl go through similar.

"besides the moral aspect" -- do you think it's immoral to let someone choose addiction/accept that people sometimes choose addiction?

That's very similar to what my parents are going through with my grandfathers. I think, luckily, that my mom's dad is going to end up in an assisted living place after his release from the hospital, which is really what he's needed for years.

I think the addiction part in b's story there is an extenuating circumstance, but it's just another factor that makes someone unable to care for him/herself. If you can't convince someone that it's in their best interest to change their life, you kind of have to wait until their life changes to the extent it's no longer viable. It doesn't mean that you don't want them to have some help or at least compassion, and cutting off all help is really difficult. I think it's a matter of finding the balance where you feel like a decent person without being an enabler.

Also there's something about the end of life that makes me want to throw all the usual things I think are true about addiction/addicts -- extra so when it's a parent. Addiction may be involved but it's just not the primary thing. I totally understand the impulse to house mom under these circumstances.

my main goal atm is getting my parents out of their crumbling house and into a place they are safe and comfortable

do you think it's immoral to let someone choose addiction/accept that people sometimes choose addiction?

Tricky question - not sure where exactly I stand on this on principle, but I get your drift of course.
In the case of aging parents, I still think there is I have some kind of moral responsibility to protect them from themselves (be it from addiction or anything really).
In my mom's specific case, decades of drinking and a pretty horrific accident 4 years ago have significantly affected her intellectual abilities, so I'm not sure I would ever think of her as "choosing" addiction.

People who -choose- addiction can be VERY controlling, even if they are not physically strong.

People suffering from dementia and aging/ illness-related tantrums can also be so manipulative that if you seek therapy for it - as I did - they will tell you to quit feeling guilty and get the hell out. This is what I went through with Dad, but he was so sick I decided to stick with him until he died. My brother and sister bailed on him, though. Can't say I blame them.

problem though is I don't see any alternatives...

When every choice open to you comes with deeply undesirable consequences, the only thing you can do is make the least bad choice that seems most manageable and get on with it. It sounds like you understand this already.

btw, it is ok to feel wretched about the whole thing. that's just one more lousy piece of the situation you'll have to manage as best you can -- and while it may be tempting to shove those feelings aside as unproductive, my experience has been that it works better to find at least a small slice of brain space and time to acknowledge them on a somewhat regular basis.

good luck. I'm sure you're going to do about as well as anyone could in the circumstances.

tbh - I think my mom would probably be diagnosed with mild alcoholic dementia at this point. I guess I've been denying it for a while because dementia seems to imply "CRAY-ZAY!", but it's clear that her short term memory is shot and complex reasoning, planning or decision-making are all out of reach. I don't know to which extent psychiatric help would be of help

Wouldn't that be actual physical damage from alcohol? I'm not sure what is done about that. Epithets like "crazy" aren't helpful.

"dementia" is just a term that means a loss of mental ability, not insanity. psychiatric help is unlikely to restore her mental abilities. even quitting drinking would be more in the nature of slowing the damage rather than reversing it.

An acquaintance of mine drank heavily for twenty years, and now he permanently slurs his words. He can't remember my name half the time, either. It's a waste of faculties that makes me cry.

My maternal grandfather, following his disastrous fall next to his mailbox and hospitalization, is now in a nursing/assisted living facility! We now know he's safe, forced to change clothes on a regular basis, and they bathe him twice per week. My mom had his mail forwarded to her and she can now handle his finances from home, and visit him less regularly, and no longer feels obligated to do his laundry.

Grandfather #2 is still being obnoxious, but my parents already seem like a burden has been lifted.

That must be a huge relief. How is he adjusting?

Slowly but surely, it sounds like. He enjoys talking to people, so I'm sure he'll grow to like it. I think he's currently telling people about his mean daughter who won't let him go home, but that'll pass.

It seems like bitching about your ungrateful damn kids to the other residents of a senior center would offer good opportunity for bonding through shared misery.

Lord knows I would never say the same about my ungrateful damn parents.

My dad has advancing Alzheimer's and has finally become unmoored enough that his constant agitation and anxiety seem to have disappeared. My mom is so relieved. "He's really so nice and pleasant, he's much more like the person he was when we got married!" Because my dad could be very difficult and hard on her, I'm actually happy for her (along with the soup of other emotions I feel).

The Biggest Threat To Your Retirement Portfolio: Mild Dementia

(follow-up discussion on MetaFilter: http://www.metafilter.com/150240/The-Biggest-Threat-To-Your-Retirement-Portfolio-Mild-Dementia)

I'm fairly certain my mom now has dementia. I'm in the process of trying to get my dad to take her to the doc specifically for this but he's reluctant as he doesn't think they can do anything for it. Apparently she sleeps most of the day but when she's up it's like she's far away and often confused. She starts sentences and stops mid-way forgetting what she was going to say and a lot of the time it's mixed up or incoherent anyway. I'm so unbelievably sad over it. While she hasn't been the mother I grew up with in many many years this is something entirely different. I miss my mom and the fact that I'm now near certain I'll never have her back is something I don't know how to process.

oh enbb, i'm so sorry, that’s pain beyond words

Aw thank you, Drash. I'm sure I'll figure out how to handle
It but it's tough especially since I'm far away. If it's any indication of my mental state rn I just started crying on the T when I read your tweet because I was touched.

very sorry to hear ENBB. This sounds awfully familiar :-/
After denying it through false hopes and what-ifs, I've been grieving over the fact that I'll never have a chat with my "real" mom for a couple of years now.
You'll come to accept it I'm sure but it is indeed a very painful process (after a while it gets even difficult to remember the person when they were healthy, which is yet another kind of sad).

Hang in there, cherish the past but stay invested in your own present and future.

I'm your sister in grief, ENBB. I don't know whether it is helpful or not helpful that my dad has a diagnosis (Alzheimer's) and, as fate would have it, I care for hospice patients with AD pretty much every day. There are many heartbreaking ways to lose a loved one, but dementia is a special kind of heartbreak. Sending you as much strength and peace as can be mustered in difficult times :(

ENBB, quincie I'm so sorry you're both dealing with this. Love to you both.

Elvis that's an interesting and scary article. I regularly participate in a clinic my firm offers where we help seniors put together powers of attorney for medical and financial concerns and I'm pretty evangelical about getting your POA/medical directive paperwork ducks in a row ASAP, as in once you have kids or when you hit 40, whichever comes first.

ENBB that sounds incredibly hard.
That article has me sightly worried about my dad. I don't think he's got dementia at all but he is prone to believing everything he reads about finances and it wouldn't take much in his old age to get him to make awful decisions. I can't count the number of (legit but pointless) 'schemes' he's tried to partake in already.

My mum never really talks about finances with him but does work with elderly and dementia patients so I guess it's a conversation worth having.

visited parents for all of last week. it was bizarre explaining to my dad who his brother is, while at the same time he was sufficiently oriented to know me, my wife, our kids, and what we all had been doing all day. crazy transient memory holes.

more usual was his being able to give addresses and describe the streets in Pittsburgh where each of his granddads had lived in 1944, but not recall where he had lived between 1992 and 2014.

There is a lot of good advice in that article, which reminded me of a few situations I've seen IRL. A friend of my wife only discovered the extent of her father's dementia when she happened to find out he was paying his mortgage several times a month.

When my father asked me to start helping him manage his finances, my first problem was figuring out where all his assets were and how to get access to those accounts. His memory is erratic now, to say the least, and it was not until I had been shuffling through paper statements for a few weeks that I was able to track down everything.

I had always imagined he kept this information in a few orderly files ... he did, but by the time I saw them, the files were about 15 years out of date.