Marilyn Haggerty's amazing Olive Garden review and the subsequent viral shitstorm

Late period Hagerty reviews, unlike her more famous Olive Garden work, are tinged with a creeping awareness of mortality.

Sounds like every visit to Olive Garden I've ever taken.

You can have all the soup you can slurp, but you're still going to die one day.

Her review of Chuck's Yum Yum Hut was a splendid return to form, easily her best since Scary Monsters.

The breadsticks are unlimited, but your time is not.

That's why in here, you're like family. The people who will pay for your burial.

The breadsticks keep coming long after you have expired, like a corpse's hair.

North Dakota critic Marilyn Hagerty takes a tour of four of her town's fast food establishments and her granddaughters tag along. Her verdict on Taco Bell's chicken quesadilla and Baha Blast soda? "The taste was there. The food was good."

http://www.eater.com/2014/8/7/6174621/marilyn-hagerty-wire

oh man:

My idea of a very nice dinner is a petite filet done about medium with rosemary red potatoes. You mix in the company of friends and a glass of wine on a cold winter evening.

And it is memorable.

the grand forks herald is actually paywalling this? wtf

My trail through the McDonald's restaurants took me to East Grand Forks, where I ordered a medium-sized low-fat latte. I got quick service and paid $3.18. I collect the little cards that come on the lattes in order to get a free one after the fifth purchase.

The lattes cost less than those I enjoy at Starbucks. But they are worthy. The only problem is occasionally, one of the restaurants will tell you their machine is not working.

"Not working?'' I think. I almost foam at the mouth in disgust, but I try to be pleasant

only a broken mcdonald's latte machine can throw marilyn off-kilter

hence her nickname "The Appetite"

I almost foam at the mouth Getting closer to being her own latte machine, while thus triggering associations with Pynchonian themes (see esp. V and the author's introduction to Slow Learner). Some Pynchonians think she is TP, of course.

I almost foam at the mouth in disgust, but I try to be pleasant

#OnlyMidwesternThings

How has the Onion or Clickhole not launched a column along these lines

b/c the Appetite will mock them.t

the grand forks herald is actually paywalling this? wtf

grand forks herald otm

you can read most of her stuff.

such as:

There comes a time in January when a person just wants something basic to eat. I was craving meat and vegetables when I went to the Blue Moose at the beginning of the year.The steak was good. The broccoli was nice. The onion rings were great.

I was doing lunch with friend Sue Huus (SH), who ordered a Chipotle Pork Sandwich ($10). It comes on a grilled hoagie, topped with pepper jack cheese. And it met with approval, although it did not make SH "squeal with delight" as the menu promises.

Which brings me to the menu at the Blue Moose. It's designed like a newspaper. It's clever and easy to understand, although some of the copies reach the point where they could be replaced with fresh, unwrinkled copies.

McDonald's milkshake machines always seemed to be broken back when I ate there regularly. It seemed like it was maybe every fourth visit. Not surprised they have some other machine that breaks down all the time.

Sometimes I break down and eat at McDonalds.

she visited four in Grand Forks.

ty for the extracts, alfred; i remember feeling out of touch when this was happening but i can really feel what everybody was getting from her prose. i hate the comma here but feel like it's doing something profound:

The lattes cost less than those I enjoy at Starbucks. But they are worthy. The only problem is occasionally, one of the restaurants will tell you their machine is not working.

implicit critique of the whole capitalist Big Coffee system

Some people go to the Broken Drum Bar and Grill on North Washington Street to drink. I go there to eat. I went there recently at the recommendation of friends who have "discovered" this unlikely setting for lunch or an evening meal.

Beef tips on toast are served with garlic mashed potatoes and a warm dinner roll. The tips are tender, lean and adorned with onion and green and red pepper. The serving is enormous, and even with my healthy appetite, I could eat only half.

Service is good. I placed my order for eggs, bacon and toast at 12:05 p.m. a week ago Sunday. My coffee came quickly. My two eggs over medium and bacon with plain toast came at 12:25 p.m., during the rush time.

As I waited, I noticed one server with a tray held up to her shoulder by one hand and pouring water with her other hand into a glass on the tray.

This, I thought, is sheer skill. When I asked her how she could do it, she said she just figured it out. Her employer, Norm Braaten, said that is part of the reason Nichelle Larson is an assistant manager in the cafe. She figures things out.

<3

This, I thought, is sheer skill.

I was craving meat and vegetables when I went to the Blue Moose at the beginning of the year.The steak was good. The broccoli was nice. The onion rings were great.

the idea that hagerty is some kind of prose genius with a tamped-down, everything-is-subtext style is so condescending. i like the cadences of her writing, which speaks to her training as a reporter. she's a good local reporter, and i like some of her observations of other humans. but her job is to write about food -- and she uses the blandest, least descriptive adjectives available. (the only thing worthy in that passage--potentially--is "the broccoli was nice," which sounds like a criticism to me.)

she reminds me sissy spacek's line in "badlands": "this place is nice. the flowers make it nice."

lolol

"Some people go to the Broken Drum Bar and Grill on North Washington Street to drink. I go there to eat."

This is now the opening of my novel....

the idea that hagerty is some kind of prose genius with a tamped-down, everything-is-subtext style is so condescending.

I revived the thread because eating at a tapas place on Sunday night I tried the mussels and thought, "OK, these are nice" and immediately thought of Hagerty.

She isn't a master but I enjoy anticipating what tricks she'll use to avoid discussing the mediocre food. I mean, "As I waited, I noticed one server with a tray held up to her shoulder by one hand and pouring water with her other hand into a glass on the tray"? She's used 50 words of her count.

amateurist, you're missing the first line, which is what makes the whole description good:

There comes a time in January when a person just wants something basic to eat. I was craving meat and vegetables when I went to the Blue Moose at the beginning of the year. The steak was good. The broccoli was nice. The onion rings were great.

The boring basic way of describing the food is meant to evoke the january ennui of the small town food reviewer. It's good writing. It's nice. It's not great, no.

But I like her. She keeps her head down, and does the work. As someone who writes arthouse reviews in Danish for an internet audience in the tens, I kinda admire that attitude. Plus, when she writes about herself, instead of the food, which is honestly most of the time, she does it in a refreshingly banal and unglamorous way. If I lived there, I would read her column year in and year out.

remember: her nickname is "The Appetite."

i'm not convinced that hagerty really dislikes the food she reviews, or rather that she is really that discerning. she seems equally uninterested and non-descriptive when she goes to better places. in a way she reminds me of some of my relatives who enjoy eating well enough for the company etc., but don't seem any more excited or pleased by really good food as by something completely pedestrian. my GF is sometimes a little sad because she'll whip up something marvelous when we're visiting her family, and they will enjoy it, but not really any more than if she brought home some Subway sandwiches or something.

maybe I am projecting, but I've yet to read a Hagerty column that seems either particularly enthused or particularly descriptive; I'd buy Frederik's argument about the "january ennui of the small town food reviewer" more readily if so many of her columns don't read the same way without the pretext. maybe i'm just missing the subtle gradations.

i agree about her refreshing honesty and un-glamorous way of writing about herself. i do like her writing, i just don't think that she's a good food critic, even though her articles seem to be halfway between reporting and review. (as someone notes upthread, local papers usually have two types of restaurant articles: "news" articles announcing new places, revised menus, etc.--which often read like advertising copy. and reviews. hagerty seems to think she's just a reporter, but the structure and content of her articles suggests that the paper wants you to think of her as a reviewer.)

the "January ennui of the small town food reviewer" is a better phrase than anything I've read in Hagerty tbh

a challenger appears: http://www.northumberlandgazette.co.uk/what-s-on/food-and-drink/meal-review-mumbai-flavours-narrowgate-alnwick-1-7354035

I don’t think there’s anything particularly wrong with not venturing away from the village pub or local fish-and-chip shop, but it certainly helps to be a bit more adventurous when dining out.

I'm hooked already.

Doesn't have the passive/aggressive, is she or isn't she character of Haggerty, though. "The waiting area was really nice."

granted, just wanted to post it somewhere really

M-Hag reviews KFC:

Mashed potatoes and gravy have not gone away. It's just that they are hard to find in this world of burgers and French fries.

So I swung into the parking lot where Col. Sanders, with his red and white stripes, presides. It was early afternoon, and I joined a few late lunch people in the dining room that looks out on Washington Street.

One group of five was seriously eating a big bucket of chicken. They were obviously hungry and obviously enjoying a full meal. They didn't talk much, but one of the women occasionally slithered over to the drinks counter to refill glasses.

When they left, they carefully tucked food they had left into one of the red-and-white-striped buckets to take along with them.

There is a wide range of customers at Kentucky Fried Chicken, and long-time manager Rick Hanson says 40 to 45 percent of the business is done through the drive-through window.

I especially like the light brown gravy that comes with the mashed potatoes. The chicken tenders are tasty, although you have to bite through a lot of crispy breading before you get to the chicken.

"slithered over"!

Maybe a table of snakes hoping for a deep-fried rat?

Kevin Hoffman would've thought that KFC review finger lickin' good if she'd published it in '12.

I find her writing to be Hemingway-esque

the parking lot where Col. Sanders, with his red and white stripes, presides

ok that is glorious

The chicken tenders are tasty, although you have to bite through a lot of crispy breading before you get to the chicken.

sick burn