Homemade Jokes

"I'm taking my girlfriend to Maine this weekend."
"To Bangor?"
"No, we don't believe in sex before marriage."

"I'm taking my girlfriend to Maine this weekend."
"To bang 'er?"
"No, Ogunquit."

Tipper: I'm taking my husband to Maine this weekend.
Hillary: To Bangor?
Tipper: *nods and winks*

that's the one

What was Billy Joel's excuse when he stunk up a Hobbit Hole?
He didn't fart the shire.

Sunny was in no mood to hear my Chan Marshall jokes when we passed this place on New Year's Eve:

http://i.imgur.com/k6I5yZe.png

I later said to her, "Well, I don't blame yooouuuu."

just str8 up busting crayolas at your children
must be the colorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrs and the kids

cross-bar style

What did Ira say to Charlie when they broke up the band?
"You've Lost That Louvin Feelin'"

ok lol

Q. What do you call a moon-worshipping Odinist footballer?
A. Wane Rune-y!

They said they'd pay us in Italian food, but they ended up giving us a voucher that could only be redeemed at Papa Johns. It was a pizza chit.

Q: what do you call a tiger with glasses on?

A: a scientist tiger

^ boo, stolen internet joke

Q: What did Edison say to Tesla after he invented the phonograph?

A: Yeah, bitch, how my acetates!

man alive

One from my brother - he says he made it up but who knows.
Bro: "oh my god did you hear about that actress who got stabbed recently?... Reece... whats her name..."
Me: "Witherspoon?"
Bro:"no, with a knife!"

(and I fell for it, tch)

being that i first heard that >10 yrs ago i suspect he dint make it up

still good tho

Ha yeah I figured as much :)

Yeah I heard that some time ago too, still funny. It's possible he thinks he made it up though I guess

We all know the famous Greek playwrights Euripedes and Eumenides. But have you read about the great Greek shopkeepers of that time -- Eubreakades and Eubiades?

I lol'd

haha that's a good one

hahahahaha!

I feel like I'm going to use that one as a *dad joke* when my kids are older.

that joke would immediately mitigate the next Asterix book, if there's another one coming out.

i used that one on a seven year old recently and even with no frame of reference, she loved it.

Two rabbits are sitting on a log. One of them turns to the other and says, "Hey, I hear there's a new bar opening up in town. We should check it out."
The second rabbit says, "Nah. From what I hear, they always water shit down."

ha !

Nice.

How did Shakespeare write the dialogue for his Master P-ces?
He made 'em say "Uhhh… Anon, anon."

"I'm getting ready to transport my CD collection to my new apartment."
"Didja pack?"
"No, most of them are jewel cases."

"I'm getting ready to transport my CD collection to my new apartment."
"Are you going to throw them into a big pile and carry them with your hands?"
"No... I'm going to use case logic."

Lmaoooooo

Neil Young is hanging out at a party when a guy walks up to him and goes, "Hey, man, is that an angora sweater?"
He shakes his head and says, "No, son. Everybody knows this is Mohair."

ok this actually happened to a friend of mine recently, (relies on the American lady's accent)

(American lady): "So do you read much?"

(British guy): "Yes, I read when I'm in bed"

(American lady): "Do you use a Kindle?"

(British guy): "No I have a bedside lamp"

When I started to develop an addiction to cocaine, I was hoping to at least do so in a way that was ethical and didn't harm anyone in the supply chain.

And I would have got away with it, too, if it wasn't for those Medellín kids.

Version of ^this joke^ appears in Pynchon's Bleeding Edge iirc

I am a poorly-read ignoramus, your honour

XD

That's rather a compliment

Knock knock
Who's there?
Giacomo.
Giacomo who?
Giacomo fee nah ney!

If a capo is a mob boss,
& a capo di tutti capi is a don,
is a capo di tutti furgoni a Donovan?

did you hear about the man who cut a sports car into bite-sized pieces and ate the entire thing without gaining any weight?

..............he practiced Porsche control

Q: What did the Jewish squid say when he crossed himself?

A: Spectacles tentacles wallet watch.

a clumsy seabird tried to plug a cable into the back of a Tolkienesque goblin and it was embarassing. awks aucs aux orcs awks

A lot of the other orchestral musicians envy the easy portability of my violin. But they're just cellists.

― bert yansh (Hurting 2), Tuesday, August 14, 2012 1:49 PM (3 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

really they have no basses for complaint

ugh plz you don't need to toot his horn

I asked the harpist if she could get me some free tickets.

She said she'd try to pull a few strings.