shit that looks like an onion article but isn't

Kid kills a dinosaur in a story, gets arrested: http://www.nbc12.com/story/26319685/cops-summerville-high-school-student-arrested-after-writing-threatening-message-on-assignment

I mean first of all, we don't have dinosaurs anymore.

I love this woman

This thing, I swear:

http://m.sfgate.com/opinion/openforum/article/Techies-riding-Silicon-Valley-shuttles-are-not-5704848.php

'So seniors, disabled folks and outraged citizens - please stand back, stop protesting those tech shuttles, and set them free. My son has a dream to get to: the American Dream.'

Susan Ahern of Richmond, Va., is the mother of a computer engineer who lives in San Francisco and works in Silicon Valley.

that kid's either really embarrassed or really troubled

How the Irish Got Jobs at Google

From the headline, I actually thought this *was* an Onion piece:

http://www.salon.com/2014/08/21/college_dudes_worried_that_movement_to_take_rape_seriously_is_ruining_their_sex_lives/

incredible strawman of a headline

best/most onionlike part of that article is the stock photo

http://image.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/286756/286756,1316643581,1/stock-photo-flatmates-enjoying-a-beer-together-85129009.jpg

make a few bucks posing for some stock photos why not, what's the worst that could happen

http://i.imgur.com/LyPP6KP.png

http://www.cnn.com/2014/08/28/us/isis-fort-hood-shooter/index.html?hpt=hp_t2

kinda LOL but mostly sad

h*ll fr*cking no

the NRA tweet is the kicker lmao

http://pitchfork.com/thepitch/234-sun-kil-moon-benji-glossary/

Though the musical components of Sun Kil Moon’s Benji rarely amount to more than Mark Kozelek’s voice and acoustic guitar, its lyrical universe is incomparably vast, spanning countries and decades, populated by dead relatives, high school friends, indie-rock peers, serial killers, and corporate-franchised eateries alike. Like the catalog of samples heard on the Beastie Boys’ Paul’s Boutique, the production credits on Yeezus, or the movie-credits-length list of people who’ve played in the Fall, a supplementary directory of references is required to fully appreciate its magnitude.

Mark Kozelek’s mom: She’s 75, and the closest friend Kozelek has.
Scrabble: A classic board game that Mark Kozelek likes to play with his mom.

Domino’s: The preferred pizza provider for Kozelek and his cousins when staying over at his aunt and uncle’s.
Happy Days: Comedy series created by Garry Marshall that aired on ABC from 1974-84. A favorite among the Kozelek clan.

KFC: a.k.a. Kentucky Fried Chicken—the fast food of choice served at the funeral for Kozelek’s uncle (“and that’s how he would’ve wanted it”).

The Doors: L.A. classic-rock icons who can be found in Jim Wise’s record collection.
Stevie Nicks: Ditto.

Maybe Clickhole rather than Onion proper here.

the mind boggles
Boggle: a classic board game that Mark Kozelek likes to play with your mom

What an amazing insight into Mark Kozelek's shitty taste.

What is a blue crabcakes? Somebody help!

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BwvlwO0IgAEbq0j.png

thats a fucking classic

Helen Mirren: 'Why didn't hackers try find naked selfies of me?'

http://bigstory.ap.org/article/investor-picks-breadstick-battle-olive-garden

http://www.freep.com/article/20140915/NEWS05/309150017/-Tea-party-Satanist-bristles-over-Detroit-temple-s-left-leaning-ways

http://www.standard.co.uk/news/london/cable-firm-boss-blames-the-rain-for-increase-in-pavement-blasts-in-london-9734894.html

^ truly frightening

Probably still safer than Beijing sidewalks.

http://www.npr.org/blogs/deceptivecadence/2014/09/16/348986742/watch-a-sweet-little-butterfly-nearly-crush-a-womans-hopes-and-dreams

more clickhole than onion

http://nypost.com/2014/09/22/the-living-hell-of-the-man-who-orgasms-100-times-a-day/

dear god the picture too

Those photos...

in fact all the pictures, especially the last one

isn't the ny post highly dubious tho, like I know all papers are but some more so. has a daily sport ring to it, this

“Imagine being on your knees at your father’s funeral beside his casket, saying goodbye to him — and then you have nine orgasms right there,” he said. “While your whole family is standing behind you.”

okay

the Sun ran a story a while back abt a woman w/ the same disorder which was a series of gross misrepresentations implicitly inviting the audience to laugh at her predicament ("film at 11" etc). daresay this is along much the same lines

from http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2769462/Is-really-Un-Fears-health-North-Korean-dictator-weeks-without-public-appearance.html:

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y169/eatmorefish/emmental_zpse2d3711d.png

tbf north korea kinda looks like an onion article but isn't

http://www.salon.com/2014/09/29/my_boyfriend_lives_in_a_dumpster/

*Shakes head* White ppl

we prefer "melanin challenged"

Misread 'every now and then a student takes a shift in the dumpster'

Caffeine-infused underwear not a weight loss aid, US regulators say

"Taliban make horrible Twitter gaffe"

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/secretly-located-taliban-official-denies-revealing-whereabouts-after-twitter-gaffe-tags-him-in-pakistan-9775316.html

http://talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/oregon-man-robbed-of-new-gun-by-armed-man

http://i.imgur.com/wc4jOUJ.png

if only there were a good guy with a gun there to prevent the robbery.

Fracking company teams up with Susan G. Komen, introduces pink drill bits “for the cure”

http://media.salon.com/2014/10/10-620x350.jpg

a Komen spokeswoman said that the partnership “grew from Baker Hughes’ involvement in our Houston Race for the Cure” and that “the issue is personal to them and their employees,” adding that “the evidence to this point does not establish a connection between fracking and breast cancer.”

http://theweek.com/article/index/269570/why-the-rise-of-cosplay-is-a-bad-sign-for-the-us-economy

LOL

Many of the 130,000 people who attend the San Diego Comic Con every year invest big bucks in elaborate outfits as a way of showing off their favorite Japanese characters, as well as those from American superhero movies, comics, and "genre" televisions shows such as Game of Thrones.

-- WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THE QUOTE MARKS IN THIS SENTENCE? - Ed.

oh that's great