cutting people completely out of your life

Jacob, my dad had to cut his mother out of our lives for similar reasons. He's never talked about whether it was a difficult decision, which makes it seem like he just laid down the law and cut her off, but after a few disastrous visiting trips in my childhood, we never went back (as a family, tho my dad and I visited alone once). I think seeing how much it hurt us kids to have our mother insulted and plotted against was probably the last straw. Do what you need to do. Mental/emotional illness is a sad thing but if you want to stop it from continuing down generations, you may have to make choices there.

I ought to cut my family out of my life and my inability to do so is a source of grief and anxiety for me.

― Now I Am Become Dracula (underrated aerosmith bootlegs I have owned), Wednesday, July 2, 2014 5:12 PM (6 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

:( it can be done! i couldn't understand how for years and then one day i just stopped returning phone calls. carl is right that it's fraught but most days i think it's one of the best things i ever did.

nb: i only cut out one person, so i'm not trying to say it's easy. though in my case it was kind of easy tbh. way easier than dealing with the person.

i didn't see or speak to my mum in the two years before she died, and i don't and never have regretted it

― (govtname)mac (darraghmac), Thursday, 19 January 2012 21:33 (2 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

drop that shit imo, do it today.

It's too long and personal story to get into here but my closest friend did this to me for reasons that according to him had nothing to do with me over the summer. There was stuff going on his personal life that I had connections to and he decided that he couldn't have any contact with me until that was resolved. He made a big point of saying that this wasn't my fault and that I hadn't done anything wrong. I asked for a more in-depth explanation at the time and he wouldn't give one. I seriously thought I'd hear from him by now but it's been complete radio-silence.

I don't think anything any friend has ever done to me has hurt more than this. I emailed him a couple weeks ago explaining how bad this has felt and how I felt like I deserved an explanation. Still nothing. I'm so fucking angry it's not even funny. I keep having dreams involving him and the whole thing just sucks. If he contacted me and apologized and explained why he went about this the way he did then I would love to be friends again despite the fact that I think he's acted selfishly and cruelly. I think the worst part is not hearing from him even after I wrote that email. It just makes it seem like he really doesn't give a shit how I'm feeling or that I'm hurt which seems to indicate that he never really cared about me to begin with.

Sorry. I'm just venting. This whole thing has just made me so sad and angry and ugh.

wow that seems kind of extreme

I'm so sorry ENBB :( I know how horrible it feels to get that sort of treatment. You deserve better.

I KNOW. That's what literally everyone I've talked to (including my therapist) has said. Keep in mind this is someone I've known for approx 17 years. We were in each others weddings. I really did consider him one of my best friends. It's extreme and infuriating and confusing.

barring some sort of "I can't hang out and smoke meth with you anymore" type scenario I'm at a loss for what unrelated-to-you situation could motivate this. but maybe he's just being passive-aggressive and dishonest about his motivations.

CRUT1S YOU RULE PLZ CARRY OUR TORCH FORTHWITH ETC

ALSO CUT YOUR HAIR AND PLZ DON'T TURN INTO KENAN

― mookieproof, Saturday, April 12, 2008 12:54 AM (6 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

^ astute advice btw

I don't want to say too much but basically all he told me was that my friendship with this person he was having issues with (to whom he introduced me btw) was problematic and because of that he couldn't have contact with me for a while. I liked the other person fine but offered to never speak to them again if that's what he needed me to do etc. but he still said that his therapist thought it best if he cut contact with me too. Idk the whole thing was just so weird. There HAS to be more to the story. I'm just afraid at this point I'm never going to get it and that makes me really fucking sad.

yeah i'm sorry too
It just makes it seem like he really doesn't give a shit how I'm feeling or that I'm hurt which seems to indicate that he never really cared about me to begin with.
this is total bullshit and i know the feeling and it is not good.

you do deserve better
if he pulls the "i'm an idiot/asshole/bad friend" routine, i think you should accept a return in friendship on a probationary basis. he doesn't get to jerk you around like that!

blaming his therapist is a dick move

outside of shared substance abuse or infidelity/unrequited "feelings," i can't think of any reasons why he would do something like that

^^ agree

he still said that his therapist thought it best if he cut contact with me too

this is ridiculous (xposts)

btw I wrote about it a little upthread but I had a friend do this to me once before. He was very supportive through that whole ordeal and knows how much her doing that hurt me (I've never heard from her since). This whole thing just made me feel the pain of that all over again and I would have hoped he'd realize how unfair this was based on what I went through with that other person. All I wanted was an explanation so that maybe I could understand more.

and if he had harbored feelings for you without telling you and then forced himself to go cold turkey
that's baaaaaaaaaaaaad behavior imo

infidelity/unrequited "feelings,"

I was "friends" with someone with whom he was inappropriately involved and apparently I reminded him too much of her and the temptation to ask about her was too great. Bear in mind I have not seen or even spoken to this other person for months before this and not once since. That seems like such a BS reason that I have wondered if "feelings" for me weren't somehow involved. I agree that the therapist thing is ridic. Even my therapist said that sounded sketchy.

Sorry sorry. The whole thing was complicated and I don't want to say any more about another person's life but, yeah, no drugs or anything like that. I think the whole thing was handled really poorly and I feel like I was treated unfairly but the thing that hurts the worst is that I miss my friend. A lot.

reading that without knowing the circumstances and allowing for the fact that there might be a number of other reasons, the most obvious interpretation that jumps out is that it is strong feelings for/about you which prompted this extreme, and immature or melodramatic behaviour.

wot la lechera said.

but that is exactly what it looks like.

agree
some people can't seem to understand that being friends with a woman isn't like having a supplemental romantic partner

you do deserve better
if he pulls the "i'm an idiot/asshole/bad friend" routine, i think you should accept a return in friendship on a probationary basis. he doesn't get to jerk you around like that!

Yes, absolutely. I will make that really clear. I just really hope he does contact me one day.

this friend is married, right? could it be his wife putting pressure on him to no longer be friends with you bc of feelings?

Yes. That's occurred to me too. Or just that she was v angry because I was still in contact with this other person (who I haven't seen in person in over a year mind you) and didn't want him associating with anyone who had any connections to her though that makes less sense considering that I offered to completely sever any ties I had with her. I think maybe the issues of inappropriate feelings came up with the counselor and maybe it came to light that he had complicated feelings for me and they decided they had worked on things more he not be in contact with anyone for whom is had nothing but strictly platonic feelings. Again, this is only a theory so idk.

his therapist thought it best if he cut contact with me too.

ugh

It just sucks because it doesn't make much sense and I miss him and his laugh a lot.

I did, however, recently make an awesome new friend at work and I like her so much. I was in need of some local female friendships so it's been pretty awesome.

Thank for letting me vent, guys.

that's good!! i wish friendship weren't so fraught for some people but i guess it is

I'm going through something kinda similar but from the other side ... and it's sad and it hurts ... so ... sympathy

ime if someone is married and cuts contact with a friend of the gender they are into, it is because the spouse has basically forced it to happen. i've been the cutter-outer. i hate that i did it, but i have learnt my lesson now.

In some ways, I wonder if it's not BETTER to be cut off completely as opposed to ALMOST cut off, where the other person is hanging onto friendship by the tips of fingernails - giving all indications of giving it up but just not quite. This has happened with someone I thought of, for years and years, as my best friend in the whole world. Granted, we life far apart and she's had some trauma in her life, but sometimes I wish she'd just never respond to my emails, or would just not email me outta the blue to see how I am.

i really have no problem if people feel a friendship 'isn't working' and sort of let it lapse, for lack of a better term. i just don't quite understand the need to say 'i'm not going to talk to you again', like not even in an angry sense but this manner. it seems even more hurtful than the angry friendship breakup.

*a gender, let's not be biphobic

(This is someone who I once could write huge emails to about anything. Now writing her a birthday card or Christmas card is hell because I have no idea what to say.)

xp well it comes from a place of "i can't handle talking to you (for an undisclosed reason)" rather than "i don't have time/energy for you right now or possibly anymore at all"

the former is selfishly motivated imo, the latter more humane
i'd rather be irrelevant than toxic!

I repeatedly told him that his "explanation" didn't makes sense and asked for more information. If his wife was the reason I honestly would have preferred him telling me so rather than just saying "this is just something I have to do for a while. Please don't be mad at me or blame yourself." That's just . . . mean. I guess I just feel like if you're going to do that to me after nearly 20 years of friendship at least explain yourself especially 6 months later when I write you an email telling you how much it's hurt me.

R Cummings - I'm really sorry that you're going through that. It also sounds very hard.

We live in the same part of town ffs. It hasn't happened yet but how weird would/will it be if/when we run into each other!

I guess maybe I felt like I was too upset about this whole thing and it wasn't as big a deal as I was making it out to be. Thanks for making me feel a little better.

i'd be pissed tbh!

he will be divorced in 2 years tops. then he will crawl back. your call thereafter

xps your theory sounds like the most likely, enbb. it's the only one that makes sense in this situation, and maybe it's a marriage therapist, not a regular therapist, suggesting the friendship-ending. idk, i think i'd take a pretty long hard look at exactly why my therapist was telling me to end my friendship with my bestfriend of 17 years, and how much good that was really going to do me.

yeah, the lack of honesty about his feelings/choices is the most perplexing thing to me. Like, my first thought is ... the "explanation" is that it is something that he doesn't really want to do, and there is probably some messy arguments and resentment that brought it on, and he doesn't want to open that can of worms and tell you everything. But, this guy is an adult and presumably not an idiot, so he could come up with something diplomatic and kind.

ENBB, thanks, and I'm sorry for what you're dealing with too. The vexed spouse thing - I've been there too.

It's less painful than it used to be though, which I attribute to having made other close friends over the past few years.

i think about this sort of thing literally every day because my brother cut himself off from my family years ago without any explanation & i don't know if i'll ever have the chance to see him again. i really hope your friend comes around, E. <3

sorry ENBB, this really sucks.

i'm so tempted to speculate that there's something super serious underlying this, but it's just as likely if not more that it's something moderately serious and he's handling it in a really cheap and bullshitty way

Justine I think you're very otm and sarahell - you too. It's just sad.

Thanks, Goole. Yeah, idk. Maybe I'll find out one day.

Aw man, crut. I'm sorry. Thank you. <3

if was going to go to the trouble of flat-out telling you you couldn't be friends anymore, he should have told you the full story instead of half-assing it. he clearly acknowledged it wasn't your fault, so the very least he owed you was closure.