cutting people completely out of your life

word

way to go.

This can be a good thing to do. Life is short. Time is precious. There are too many people on the planet to allow your life essence to be sucked away by vampires and victims. Cutting a bad person out leaves more room for good people.

when does "love" with so many toxic strings attached become "abuse". the hardest for me was dealing with how i missed those relationships (parents) but then realizing what i actually missed was love-minus-toxic-strings-attached, which i never received and will never receive from them, and mourning this in wider context. working on building a sense of love without the strings afterwards, that's actually the hardest. xpost

I have never made a concious decision to cut my parents off, but when it has happened I liken it to an internal circuit breaker that popped and can't be reset. Fuck all that papist quaker-babble about the sanctity of parents! One thing I learned recently is that my mother is just as loathsome as my father and I was blind to this for decades, and she was adding to my low self esteem woes with her slow, hateful attrition.

I guess to give the non-specific version: a friend of ours for a number of years has gone increasingly batshit since her divorce a few years ago, making a series of painfully bad choices in terms of work and dating, and also behaves very frustratingly every time we're around her (showing up absurdly late for everything, having the food ready four hours after you arrive if you go there, etc.) We realized we just couldn't be around her anymore and decided to stop accepting invitations.

Keep hearing this thread title to the tune of Got To Get You Into My Life, with the big horn section and all.

ironically

If you're going to cut someone out of your life, it's best to do with with a big horn section accompaniment.

Someone I considered my best friend did this to me for reasons I truly can't fathom. It was hurtful.

We had friends do it to us once our kid was born. They wanted kids and couldn't have them I think is probably part of the underlying unspoken reason. But they just like refused to make any effort to see us, no matter how many times we invited them. I guess in theory I should be able to say "why would I want someone like that as a friend anyway?" but it's still hard to accept.

When you have a severely disabled kid you realise how fantastic all your friends are as the invites dry up. Sometimes you need extraordinary friends, not many of them fuckers about, nor family for that matter. Sorry for sounding bitter.

We had friends do it to us once our kid was born. They wanted kids and couldn't have them I think is probably part of the underlying unspoken reason. But they just like refused to make any effort to see us, no matter how many times we invited them. I guess in theory I should be able to say "why would I want someone like that as a friend anyway?" but it's still hard to accept.

Having gone through infertility myself, to the point where my children are adopted, I sympathize with your ex-friends.

Yeah, that's a tough one. Sometimes it's really not about you at all. It's just hard to escape how bad it can feel. Not that you're in the wrong, hurting, or that you shouldn't be upset. I've just been on the opposite side of that situation, too. (The worst was going to a kid-heavy event about a year after I had a miscarriage and thinking it would be just fine and realizing after about 15 minutes it was pretty fucking far from just fine, but not wanting to make anybody feel bad. Bleh.)

point taken

Yeah I mean, I almost cut my family out of my life after we had spent $$$ on surgery and IVF only for my brother to call me up at midnight to inform me that he and his wife accidentally got pregnant sooner than expected and, when I called my parents to ask why he would do that to me, my mom said that she had told him he should call me immediately despite his misgivings and my dad said I needed to put aside my feelings and be happy for him and the start of his family. People are often, completely unwittingly, complete and utter assholes about fertility issues and isolating yourself starts to become the only viable alternative.

(I don't yell at my family very often so they take me VERY seriously when I do, and to their credit they've been fantastic about the whole issue ever since, which is why I ultimately didn't cut them out of my life.)

something very similar happened in my extended family, one set having an unexpected child while their sibling was struggling to have kids

im not particularly close to my family so i wasnt particularly aware of the extent of the awkwardness during this phase though it became clearer subsequently

I ought to cut my family out of my life and my inability to do so is a source of grief and anxiety for me.

I didn't really talk to my sister for six months and there are now topics I've let her know I have no interest in hearing about, and it's definitely helped our relationship.

Someone I considered my best friend did this to me for reasons I truly can't fathom. It was hurtful.

― lauded at conferences of deluded psychopaths (Sparkle Motion)

this happened to me too. i think it was because they crashed at my place for three months and i eventually asked for rent.

I don't know if I could live with my own parents for multiple months without paying some nominal rent, let alone a friend

I ought to cut my family out of my life and my inability to do so is a source of grief and anxiety for me.

It's so fucking fraught and complicated. Try to be forgiving of and kind to yourself here, whatever choices you make.

otm

DJP I'm kind of on the opposite side of your sitch. I didn't know that my sibling had been through IVF when I got pregnant (my mother stopped me from crashing in with my news at least). Also I was aware of a close colleague having a miscarriage a week or so before I needed to announce it, and recently another colleague has had a terrible thing happen baby-wise and I still haven't told her I'm pregnant to avoid any chance of upsetting her. I really didn't (and still don't tbh) know how to act so just trying to keep it minimal.

Someone I considered my best friend did this to me for reasons I truly can't fathom. It was hurtful.

― lauded at conferences of deluded psychopaths (Sparkle Motion)

this happened to me too. i think it was because they crashed at my place for three months and i eventually asked for rent.

― the late great, Wednesday, July 2, 2014 5:36 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

One of my closest friends did this to me over email and flat out refused to tell me why "I learned something today that has caused me to decide to terminate our friendship but the exact reason isn't important and I'm not going to get into it". She even went so far as to say that if I ever contacted her again she would consider it harassment and contact the authorities. It was totally bizarre and out of the blue and none of our mutual friends (who she also cut out) know why either. It hurt me tremendously and I still have weird dreams/nightmares about running into her one day.

I haven't been hanging out here much, so sorry to just jump in, but I'm struggling against what I should do about my mother. My wife and I had to live with her for awhile when I was changing jobs and it was one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life. She's a drunk and sort of useless. My wife made many attempts to befriend her and create activities they could do together, but she only wanted to drink and smoke, something we didn't want around our daughter. She now calls my wife and makes her feels unwanted in my family and veers towards abusive language. I think once again I have to remove her from our lives. I've asked her to not make these phone calls and my wife has asked her to not bring up certain issues on the phone, but a drunk never listens to polite requests. But cutting my own mother out is hard for me, I keep forgiving her and hoping she'll listen and start growing in her life.

I've cut my sister completely out of my life, for reasons I discussed on the sociopaths thread. It's not easy, but it has to be done.

Jacob, my dad had to cut his mother out of our lives for similar reasons. He's never talked about whether it was a difficult decision, which makes it seem like he just laid down the law and cut her off, but after a few disastrous visiting trips in my childhood, we never went back (as a family, tho my dad and I visited alone once). I think seeing how much it hurt us kids to have our mother insulted and plotted against was probably the last straw. Do what you need to do. Mental/emotional illness is a sad thing but if you want to stop it from continuing down generations, you may have to make choices there.

I ought to cut my family out of my life and my inability to do so is a source of grief and anxiety for me.

― Now I Am Become Dracula (underrated aerosmith bootlegs I have owned), Wednesday, July 2, 2014 5:12 PM (6 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

:( it can be done! i couldn't understand how for years and then one day i just stopped returning phone calls. carl is right that it's fraught but most days i think it's one of the best things i ever did.

nb: i only cut out one person, so i'm not trying to say it's easy. though in my case it was kind of easy tbh. way easier than dealing with the person.

i didn't see or speak to my mum in the two years before she died, and i don't and never have regretted it

― (govtname)mac (darraghmac), Thursday, 19 January 2012 21:33 (2 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

drop that shit imo, do it today.

It's too long and personal story to get into here but my closest friend did this to me for reasons that according to him had nothing to do with me over the summer. There was stuff going on his personal life that I had connections to and he decided that he couldn't have any contact with me until that was resolved. He made a big point of saying that this wasn't my fault and that I hadn't done anything wrong. I asked for a more in-depth explanation at the time and he wouldn't give one. I seriously thought I'd hear from him by now but it's been complete radio-silence.

I don't think anything any friend has ever done to me has hurt more than this. I emailed him a couple weeks ago explaining how bad this has felt and how I felt like I deserved an explanation. Still nothing. I'm so fucking angry it's not even funny. I keep having dreams involving him and the whole thing just sucks. If he contacted me and apologized and explained why he went about this the way he did then I would love to be friends again despite the fact that I think he's acted selfishly and cruelly. I think the worst part is not hearing from him even after I wrote that email. It just makes it seem like he really doesn't give a shit how I'm feeling or that I'm hurt which seems to indicate that he never really cared about me to begin with.

Sorry. I'm just venting. This whole thing has just made me so sad and angry and ugh.

wow that seems kind of extreme

I'm so sorry ENBB :( I know how horrible it feels to get that sort of treatment. You deserve better.

I KNOW. That's what literally everyone I've talked to (including my therapist) has said. Keep in mind this is someone I've known for approx 17 years. We were in each others weddings. I really did consider him one of my best friends. It's extreme and infuriating and confusing.

barring some sort of "I can't hang out and smoke meth with you anymore" type scenario I'm at a loss for what unrelated-to-you situation could motivate this. but maybe he's just being passive-aggressive and dishonest about his motivations.

CRUT1S YOU RULE PLZ CARRY OUR TORCH FORTHWITH ETC

ALSO CUT YOUR HAIR AND PLZ DON'T TURN INTO KENAN

― mookieproof, Saturday, April 12, 2008 12:54 AM (6 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

^ astute advice btw

I don't want to say too much but basically all he told me was that my friendship with this person he was having issues with (to whom he introduced me btw) was problematic and because of that he couldn't have contact with me for a while. I liked the other person fine but offered to never speak to them again if that's what he needed me to do etc. but he still said that his therapist thought it best if he cut contact with me too. Idk the whole thing was just so weird. There HAS to be more to the story. I'm just afraid at this point I'm never going to get it and that makes me really fucking sad.

yeah i'm sorry too
It just makes it seem like he really doesn't give a shit how I'm feeling or that I'm hurt which seems to indicate that he never really cared about me to begin with.
this is total bullshit and i know the feeling and it is not good.

you do deserve better
if he pulls the "i'm an idiot/asshole/bad friend" routine, i think you should accept a return in friendship on a probationary basis. he doesn't get to jerk you around like that!

blaming his therapist is a dick move

outside of shared substance abuse or infidelity/unrequited "feelings," i can't think of any reasons why he would do something like that

^^ agree

he still said that his therapist thought it best if he cut contact with me too

this is ridiculous (xposts)

btw I wrote about it a little upthread but I had a friend do this to me once before. He was very supportive through that whole ordeal and knows how much her doing that hurt me (I've never heard from her since). This whole thing just made me feel the pain of that all over again and I would have hoped he'd realize how unfair this was based on what I went through with that other person. All I wanted was an explanation so that maybe I could understand more.

and if he had harbored feelings for you without telling you and then forced himself to go cold turkey
that's baaaaaaaaaaaaad behavior imo

infidelity/unrequited "feelings,"

I was "friends" with someone with whom he was inappropriately involved and apparently I reminded him too much of her and the temptation to ask about her was too great. Bear in mind I have not seen or even spoken to this other person for months before this and not once since. That seems like such a BS reason that I have wondered if "feelings" for me weren't somehow involved. I agree that the therapist thing is ridic. Even my therapist said that sounded sketchy.

Sorry sorry. The whole thing was complicated and I don't want to say any more about another person's life but, yeah, no drugs or anything like that. I think the whole thing was handled really poorly and I feel like I was treated unfairly but the thing that hurts the worst is that I miss my friend. A lot.

reading that without knowing the circumstances and allowing for the fact that there might be a number of other reasons, the most obvious interpretation that jumps out is that it is strong feelings for/about you which prompted this extreme, and immature or melodramatic behaviour.

wot la lechera said.

but that is exactly what it looks like.